What isn't a hot button for me these days? I am beyond the beyond when it comes to being stressed out as a parent, lately.
*Making messes on purpose. Not playing with some rice and water and making a mess -- that doesn't bother me, as I've usually instigated that and have set up a space for it. It's the upending of the plate of food or cup of milk, or the deliberate splashing of water ALL OVER THE BATHROOM when you could have just closed the bathtub door and splashed without making a mess. Or how about DD taking all of her clothes off and pooping on the floor so that she can play in it?!?
*Defiance/disrespect. I know it's normal, I know it's a part of the learning process, I know I shouldn't take it personally. But it infuriates me. When I give DS warnings about what is coming up, and then we get to the point of no return, and I ask him to switch gears, and he says, "No" in that snotty voice. OMG it makes me want to scream the house down. "Uh-uh, I won't" or "Yes, I WANT to play games" when he's being told that he can't. Just typing it and thinking about it is pissing me off.
*Screaming. DD is in this phase where she screams constantly. This high-pitched, glass shattering, nails on a chalboard kind of scream. She does it when she's pissed, does it when she wants something, does it to get my attention, does it when her brother is not doing EXACTLY what she wants him to do, does it when she doesn't get her way IMMEDIATELY, does it because she's tired. All. The. Time.
*Asking of the same questions over and over and over again. When DS was two, or even three, I could see that he needed to ask the same questions over and over again to help him order his world. Now he's almost five and he's been asking me the same questions for three damn years. Questions he knows the answers to. They haven't changed in the last thirty seconds, in the last six months, in the last three years. After three hours of the same three questions over and over, I just want to pull my hair out. Or his. I don't, but I want to.
*Hurting me. Both of them hurt me all the time. DD will NOT stop pinching, scratching, tweaking, pulling and generally hurting my free nipple while she's nursing, no matter what I use to try to distract her. She's also recently started doing the same thing to a couple of skin tags I have, to the point of making them bleed. I have to literally hold her hand down so that she won't do it, or just stop nursing, and those both lead to her having a major meltdown tantrum, during which she hits me. DS is rough, and just completely oblivious of other people. Steps on my breast when he's climbing into bed. Jumps on me with both feet right in the crotch while we're playing. Steps on my hair while climbing out of bed to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. Scratches me while we're tickling. Steps on my foot in his hurry to get outside to play. Smacking me across the face with his rubber dinosaur while we play, accidentally, but with a lot of force. Just all the time hurting me.
*Why can't my children be alone for five minutes? Not even alone, just in another room? Why can't they just go play while I make dinner? Or while I take a crap? Why must they both be glued to me 24/7? Is it SOOOOOO terrible to just go to your room, the one filled with toys and books and puzzles and games and fun things to do, and play for awhile while Mama does something else? Why?
*Oh yes, the food. DD likes to spit pretty much at least one bite of everything back out and hand it to me. If she's eating one thing, and sees that I am about to serve something else ... even if that first food she was already eating is her favorite food, she will spit the bite in her mouth out and refuse to eat anymore because she wants the new food. And DS is hungry all the freaking time. All. The. Time. No joke. Half of my grocery budget is dedicated to him. And I have to be so damn creative to get healthy foods into him. So it's just a huge amount of work, and it's never enough, because he is always hungry. He's so crazed for food, he will actually take food off his sister's plate after he's finished his own , and I can try to stop him, but he just keeps coming back. He will even wrestle it out of her hands, and I've had to send him to his room so that DD can finish her meal, as she always eats slower than him. WTF?!? I, too, hate the waste and the not trying things and the refusal to eat because I've decided that I will not play short order cook. Wanting only the food on my plate, because it must taste better ... but then it doesn't, so I end up with half-chewed bites littering my plate. So very appealing.
*Tantrums. Especially in public, but even at home. Full out, lay on the floor, kick and scream, huge tears, red faced, meltdowns. Not just one. Not just a few. All day, starting first thing in the morning and going on until sleep finally wins the battle. It's not everyday, but there are sometimes weeks where every day is like this. How am I supposed to keep my calm after days of that?
I feel like the worst parent on the planet. Why are my kids like this? I do all of this work to be a good parent ... to be an attached, respectful parent, and it doesn't seem to matter. The more I give, the more they take, the more they want. So everything's a hot button for me lately. I am miserable. I hate my life.
