Regarding guilt...

[pdx.mothernurture]

On many boards, hesitation/uncertainty/guilt/regret is poo-pooed, or parents are given a pat on the back and supportive comments like, "Don't feel guilty! You made the best choice for your own family/in your own circumstances." While I have a lot of compassion for parents who circumcise without enough information, I don't believe that their guilt should ever be minimized or consoled away...it should be acknowledged and they should be encouraged to process those feelings HONESTLY.

I posted this on an Intact Care board I host on another parenting site, and wanted to share it here as well:

Regarding guilt, while unpleasant it can often be a productive emotion encouraging us to look at our own past decisions critically so we can hopefully avoid the same mistakes in the future. I don't think it should be ignored or avoided---it should be investigated.

Nobody can make you feel guilty about something you are completely comfortable with or proud of. For instance, I've read some rotten things about breastfeeding/breastfeeding in public/extended nursing, etc on various boards, but it never made me feel guilty because I know that I've made the best, evidence-based choice regarding nursing for my son.

There are other issues, like vaccination, where I'm not so sure I did the right thing...and that feeling of uncertainty and potential regret is a sign to me that I need to do some more research before I'm ever faced with the choice again.

Guilt is necessary and beneficial; but we shouldn't wallow in it. What's done is done. You can't change the past, but you can make better choices in the future.

Jen

[Revamp]

I agreed with you there and I agree with you here, excellent point and superbly worded.

[imgr8ful]

i agree, but how in the world do i stop wallowing in it? how do i stop feeling like the absolute worst mother in the world for allowing my child to be mutilated? will it get any easier when he's not in diapers anymore and i'm not reminded of it every time i change his dipe?

some days are harder than others, today sucks.

[Treece]

I'm so sorry for you. No one should have to confront the guilt you are feeling. There is a sticky for parents who've circed and regret it.

Mama, you did what you were told was best.

[Revamp]

Originally Posted by imgr8ful

i agree, but how in the world do i stop wallowing in it? how do i stop feeling like the absolute worst mother in the world for allowing my child to be mutilated? will it get any easier when he's not in diapers anymore and i'm not reminded of it every time i change his dipe?

some days are harder than others, today sucks.

Just remember that you were deceived.

It is not really your fault, without the liars this would never have happened.

[hunnybumm]

Originally Posted by imgr8ful

i agree, but how in the world do i stop wallowing in it? how do i stop feeling like the absolute worst mother in the world for allowing my child to be mutilated? will it get any easier when he's not in diapers anymore and i'm not reminded of it every time i change his dipe?

some days are harder than others, today sucks.

I am in the same boat as you. My DS is now 2yo and I realized when he was between 2 and 4 months what a mistake I had made, yet still, on a daily basis, I feel an extreme about of guilt. I thought having DS#2 intact would help that guilt, but I think it has made it worse. I compare the two on an almost hourly basis with all the diaper changes, and it hurts to know what I did to DS#1 when I think about what a great decision I made with #2.

Also, I don't think I have been given the opportunity to really mourn the loss of DS#1s forskin. Anytime I try to talk to someone they tell me not to feel guilty and to pretty much get over it. Or they are pro circ or pro DH deciding (it's amazing how many of my friend's aren't pro circ but wouldn't want to *gasp* cause arguments with their DHs so they would let him decided or at least are "on the fence" because of how their DHs feel - but that's a whole nother post).

So, I don't know if it gets better when they are out of diapers, but after over 2 years it hasn't gotten any better for me.

[LavenderMae]

I do think guilt has it's place but it is very easy to become consumed by it. Which is not helpful and is harmful. But I'm not sure how you move on from guilt. I have my share , just not over circ (I am forever greatful I knew about circ before my son was born).
My heart truly goes out to all of you who are living with this guilt, may you be able to find peace and forgiveness.

[Revamp]

It must feel awful but just remember that at least you are admitting to causing harm. Some are aware of the facts but refuse to relent, continuing to persist from fear of it, often to the extent of circumcising more of their boys because of it.

There is a moderator at another forum who is in labour today, within eight days I am certain her son will have been circumcised and there is nothing that can be said to stop her.

[nd_deadhead]

I have nothing but hugs for parents who regret their decision to circumcise - but I also have a lot of respect. Not everyone has the courage to admit - even to themselves - that they made a mistake; some are so overcome with ostrich syndrome that they continue to circumcise later sons, just to avoid admitting that the first one might have been a mistake.

I like calling what you are going through a grieving process - and as with every other type of grief, evryone handles it differently, and has a different timetable. My Dad died 18 months ago, and I sure don't want anyone telling me to "get over it and move on".

I hope that sharing your feelings here can help a little bit.

[Revamp]

I do find it highly brave, noble even.

To admit to yourself and confess to others that you have done something terrible to those you have a duty and obligation to protect is the height of courage.

[pdx.mothernurture]

Originally Posted by nd_deadhead

I like calling what you are going through a grieving process - and as with every other type of grief, evryone handles it differently, and has a different timetable.

I completely agree, and actually parents who come to learn about (and deeply regret) circumcision after the fact often to through the same 'stages of grief' of a someone who has lost someone close to them.

They don't always happen in the same order, but when you share circumcision information with other parents on expecting clubs and debate boards, you will often encounter these emotions and I think it helps a lot to put them in perspective: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

One site explains, "Grieving only begins where the 5 Stages of "Grief" leave off. Grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality"

I think this can certainly apply to parents grieving the decision to circumcise as well.

Jen

[Revamp]

You are clearly very knowledgable on both the topics of grieving and circumcision, thank you Jen.

[kati6110]

Originally Posted by pdx.mothernurture

You can't change the past, but you can make better choices in the future.

Well said.

I can't change the past. I circ'd and regret it but I make sure something positive comes out of it by being the best advocate I can be for my kids. That's a big step for me because I was raised to be a people-pleaser.

Cathy