Advice on giving advice, please

[mamadonna]

Hi mamas,

I have a new neighbor that moved in down the street from me. My ds (2 1/2) and I met her and her almost-2-year-old ds the other day.

In the short time that we were there, I saw her ds repeatedly say the "f" word (which I guess he picked up from daycare, not home), repeatedly run his toy into her, and I saw her yank him violently away, yell at him, and threaten him. I didn't see it but she also referred to spanking and washing his mouth out with soap

The thing is, though, that she asked me for advice! And while I'm thinking that wow, this would be such a great opportunity to help a mama out who is obviously feeling lost and frustrated and unsure, I could think of nothing intelligent to say.....I felt like such an idiot. My ds and I were both sort of overwhelmed by the situation and ds was obviously just rather bewildered by it all.

My heart feels for this mama. She obviously realizes that what she's doing isn't working and she obviously feels lost as to what to do, and she is obviously open to suggestions.

So my question for some of the wise and gentle mamas here is how do I go about giving her those suggestions? I don't want to see her again, have a repeat scenario and just stand there like an idiot again and say, "Oh gosh, I know how hard it can be..."

Thanks!

[aira]

I would hand her a copy of whatever book you like (I think Unconditional Parenting, book or DVD, is great for this purpose) and say that this has helped me soooo much and how things are so much better since I read ...

Then you're not the bad guy.

Personally, I'd buy a paperback copy and give it, but if money is tight, just lend something...

[veggiemama4]

Hi,
If you are up for a real heart to heart I would go for it. Tell her of a time that you were really stressed and frusterated and realized that something you were doing just wasn't working. Tell her that sometimes you feel like washing out your ds mouth with soap but you read somewhere that it is really damaging for their mouths and can poisen them(sometimes little white lies can help other people) . Let her know that you never punish your child while your upset, maybe she just doesn't know simple things like that.



Let her know what works for you, time outs, naughty step whatever and tell her that children just immitate what they see, so if she is saying, "f@#$" then it's normal that he is... If she is reaching out then this is a good time to give as much advice as possible, you might be able to change their lives for the better!

[mamadonna]

Thanks for the suggestions. I like the book idea, and since I will be giving her some other information on GED programs it would not be such an obivous thing...just a natural extension of the giving.

This is such a new experience for me. I don't really know anyone IRL that parents like me but I've never been in a position to share my style either. It's scary!

I would still love to hear other ideas anyone has or anecdotes on your own personal experiences.

[Hazelnut]

Well I may be way off, but I personally think that some of the popular ideas here and books suggested would be so foreign to a mainstream parent who is yanking, yelling and threatening to spank. It was hard for me (and still is) to have a paradigm shift away from any punishment whatsoever, and I wasn't threatening to wash him mouth out with soap, believe me. I actually think someone like that would respond better to some really basic, gentle ideas. I'd commiserate and validate all the fury and frustration she is likely feeling, but say that getting mad and threatening and giving a big reaction doesn't work; it only aggravates the child, etc. etc. Your basic Humane Discipline 101. Even some mainstream books like the Toddler Whisperer cautions against yelling and is about being gentle and firm. Not trying to be a party pooper, I just can't imagine someone like that suddenly reading all these books and embracing the idea that you can't control your kid.

[aira]

Well Hazelnut, that's why I thought of UP for this purpose. I think Kohn does really well in bringing readers along to a point of non-punishment. It's really big stuff, that paradigm shifting! No easy task to persuade anyone toward.

But I also have seen remarkable changes in people who are asking for a better way. The fact that this Mama did tells me that she may be ready for great changes!

[Twocoolboys]

I have a different opinion on giving advice irl - I say don't do it! At the most offer a book suggestion, but I think that if you ever hope to be friends with that woman (if you even want to), just say no.

I have been burned by this before. I have had people ask me point blank for advice, I give it and they get mad at me. I've also been on the receiving end of advice from people who parent way different than me and think they know it all. I just know how angry and annoyed I was at them. I didn't ask for it, but I am no longer friends with one woman who did that to me often and I am constantly annoyed at my sister who does it to me as well.

Anyway, I think giving advice is a slippery slope even when people ask for it irl. I say show by example.

[mamadonna]

This is such a trickier issue that I thought it was on the surface....I really have to think about it now. And I think I need to feel her out a little bit more, too....Thanks to all of you for helping me think this through. You've saved me from just blindly blundering into a situation that I wasn't really prepared for.

[mbravebird]

Can you, instead of giving advice, ask her what she hopes for her son and herself? We all have incredibly similar hopes for our children and our relationships with them, despite the different choices we make. And I mean core hopes, not "I want him to listen" but "I want him to feel good about himself" or " I want him to see me as a resource"

If you start by understanding those hopes, then she feels understood and supported, and is less likely to react with fear to whatever new information you provide.

Also, if the new information you provide is based on trying to meet her own goals rather than yours, then she will feel more helped and less criticized.

Also, let go of your expectations and set your boundaries well. I agree, a loving example and kind words to her is often enough. It does seem neat, though, that she's asking. It speaks well of her that she is able to ask. That takes guts.