Repetitive hitting from one toddler to the next

[PapayaMom]

I have a 22 month old dd and we watch a friends little guy, who is two weeks older, two days a week. Most of the time everything is great, they love eachother talk about eachother when they aren't near and in general do great.

They are very similar parents to us and R and Maya have grown up almost the same and have been around eachother for most of thier lives, we started watching R back in december so this is not a new arrangement that we are just getting used to.

Let me preface this by saying he has had recurring ear infections for the better part of three months and is in a fair amount of pain, i know he is frustrated and there is a huge difference in his frame of mind when he is on the upswing, then he gets another earache and it all goes downhill again.

Recently little guy has been hitting dd for no reason. Just a random walk up and whack on the head over and over. I can handle the situation when there is a conflict over a toy or something, but the random hitting is hard. I normally make sure dd is okay first and then get down to R and say "ouch that hurt Maya". to which he looks at me and says "hit" and raises his hand and tries to do it again. I usually try to redirect as well but to no avail.

Clearly what I am doing is not working, dd is starting to get nervous when he is too close to her. I want to help him overcome this but I don't have the right tools. DD expresses herself totally differently and in general is a non-physical child, so part of it is just the difference from one kid to the next. His othe rbig thing is to throw things, this is les of an issue as I am just tryign to keep dd safe but also need help with the throwing stuff too.

I feel like my safe happy "yes-environment" has turned into a "no" one, I need some ideas, I am starting to feel angry about the whole situation and am tired of the hitting and throwing.

[marsupial*mama]

You sound very rational and seem to have analysed the situation well. I don't know what to recommend aside from vigilance and ultra-congruence in communication. Sounds to me like you already do this so ....

I have a friend whose daughter went through a similar phase. Perhaps a hit can be pre-empted or even redirected to a stroke or a pat (eventually...) but until he has control of his impulses I don't think there are a lot of respectful alternatives. Perhaps some separate activities or highly supervised but fun activities that will provide some variety of attention and challenge for growing skills?

Your dd's cautious response is quite natural and congruent and is perhaps part of the learning experience for R. It sounds to me like you are dealing with it very well and while I understand it can be tiring to be constantly on the defense, at least there is some consolation in knowing that he will outgrow it. In my friend's case they were over the worst of it in around 6 months.

[Ayala Eilon]

Recently little guy has been hitting dd for no reason. tryign to keep dd safe but also need help with the throwing stuff too.

There is no such a thing as hitting "with no reason." You don't know the reason. He has an unconscious reason obviously. Your best solution is to learn to understand his reason so you can really eliminate the cause. The best help that I know of with understanding the reason behind aggression is the book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort Ph.D. Which you can find in book stores and on amazon. Also, go to www.AuthenticParent.com where you can book a phone advice session.

[PapayaMom]

thank you for your kind responses.

Perhaps some separate activities or highly supervised but fun activities that will provide some variety of attention and challenge for growing skills?

I am going to try this idea this week, perhaps I have been a little relaxed and have not provided them with well-thought out, fun filled days. I am going to look up some fun activites that will keep them occupied and I will try to stay right near them as much as possible. Makes getting lunch together a little more challenging, but maybe it will help.