I have lost control of my 4 and 6 year old

[sebrinaw]

Please help me! I have three boys. Ages 6, 4 and 2. My 6 and 4 year old are out of control lately. My 4 year old espcially has a REALLY bad temper. When he gets upset he screams, throws things and tries to hit me. My 6 year old does the same but to a lesser extent. For instance this week my 4 year old didn't like what I made for dinner so he threw a glass cup across the room. He is usually apologetic later but I am getting so angry with them. I really try to listen to what they want and need. I am homeschooling them and just last week my 4 year old said he would like to give school a try so I enrolled him in the local school. His teacher absolutley loves him. She says he is the sweetest kid in the class and she would like to keep him ( I may take her up on that, lol). How can he be so great for her and so awful to me? Both boys are also much better behaved for my husband. He is MUCH stricter than I am. He doesn't believe in spanking them but he will give lots of time-outs and such. I have always believed in listening to my kids and giving them choices but now I wonder if have been doig this all wrong. I am wondering if my GD techniques are turning my kids into monsters. Today I am a poopy head, I shutter to think what they will be calling me when they are teenagers

My 2 year old is following their lead too, just last week he called me a poopy head and tried to hit me. If I don't don't get a hold of this problem I am going to have three out of control kids. We are also adopting a baby. She will probably be coming home late this fall and I am really starting to worry about how I will handle 4 kids
Sebrina

[bewitchedmama]

ickkkk

if i may, what are some of the ways you deal with them when they act out? what are your responses?

as far as managing an angry child, provide him with an acceptable outlet to release the tension and emotion he is experiencing

the name calling--i have repeatedly stated to mine that it is simply unaccepatble in this home--reiterating that I am the parent, and therefore it is my job to teach them how to be a good human

the throwing and hitting? again with the "this is unacceptable behavior" redirect, redirect, redirect time outs, i have used these to show them that if they choose the behavior, they will be separated from the family

at times i have also used sitting in the corner, with a small mirror placed at their eye level so that they have to look at themselves

my 2 cents
pm me if you want to chat

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I don't have any advice, just an observation. Sometimes it seems when two parents use different parenting techniques, the parent who uses less punishment gets less respect and the child seems to develop anger towards that parent.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it has to do with the child never wanting to believe his parents could ever be wrong. He needs to believe they are perfect to feel secure (at least while very young). When one parent is using punishment or harsher discipline, the child assumes the parent is doing the right thing and the child assumes he needs that punishment. So when the other parent doesn't also use that punishment, the child feels lost and like his needs aren't being met. Maybe.

Or maybe its too dangerous to show anger towards the harsher parent and the more lenient parent gets to receive the full brunt of the anger.

Or maybe the child has discovered that he likes the limits placed on him by his other parent and his teacher. Maybe having firm rules makes him feel cared about and secure.

But I do think your troubles right now are not due to the way you parent, but the fact that there is a significant discrepency between the way each of you parent. Its not your "fault" and its not your DH's "fault" - but it might be useful to try to come to an agreement and consistency in parenting styles.

[sebrinaw]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I don't have any advice, just an observation. Sometimes it seems when two parents use different parenting techniques, the parent who uses less punishment gets less respect and the child seems to develop anger towards that parent.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it has to do with the child never wanting to believe his parents could ever be wrong. He needs to believe they are perfect to feel secure (at least while very young). When one parent is using punishment or harsher discipline, the child assumes the parent is doing the right thing and the child assumes he needs that punishment. So when the other parent doesn't also use that punishment, the child feels lost and like his needs aren't being met. Maybe.

Or maybe its too dangerous to show anger towards the harsher parent and the more lenient parent gets to receive the full brunt of the anger.

Or maybe the child has discovered that he likes the limits placed on him by his other parent and his teacher. Maybe having firm rules makes him feel cared about and secure.

But I do think your troubles right now are not due to the way you parent, but the fact that there is a significant discrepency between the way each of you parent. Its not your "fault" and its not your DH's "fault" - but it might be useful to try to come to an agreement and consistency in parenting styles.

I think you may be right about this. My husband is much firmer than me and he is also very consistent. Of course he is only hear with them total of 2 hours a day so when he sees them behaivng this way it is the first time however when I see it it is the 30th time. I have no energy so at times I am letting the name calling and throwing slide. Other times I get really angry with them. Other times I give them a time-out. I know I need to be more consistent with them. But where do I find the energy? Plus I feel guilty when I punish them. I feel like there has to be a better way but I am not sure of what it is.

Sebrina

[sebrinaw]

Originally Posted by bewitchedmama

ickkkk

if i may, what are some of the ways you deal with them when they act out? what are your responses?

With the name calling I have tried a few different things. Lately I have been making it a joke. So if I get called a "poopy head" I will say something like "eeewwwww I have poo on my head? Yucky, get it off, get it off!!!!" That usually turns the whoe thing into a giggle fest. I find this works better than freaking out.

The bigger issue is the throwing, yelling and hitting

[robin4kids]

I have a child like that and...

It is getting better! It all started when he was 3. He is the second child and our first is a boy as well. There are also 2 years between the two. He is now 8. It all started with VERY bad temper tantrums over silly stuff. If someone was outside our house when he was having these tantrums, they would have thought we were beating him, when we were not anywhere near him! I am the stricter one. I can only tell you, that you need to work on a couple bad behaviors at a time. For example, throwing things and name calling. There has to be a consequence for EVERY time they do it. There was one point that I had to p ut my son in his room and hold the door shut. He would not sit in time out!

You also have to be strong! There is NO NAME CALLING aloud by anyone in our house. If someone does they go to time out, or loose something, like tv. There is NO HITTING, or THROWING of anything!

I have AWSOME kids and even my 8 year old is VERY SWEET. He just has this temper. Now that he is 8 we can talk with him better. He is starting to understand that there are times that he needs to remove himself from certain situations. i send him to his room when i see him have "that look". He is getting better.

I get angry when I see other parents do NOTHING when their child is clearly mean to them or another child. Be strong and consistent. Sit with your Dh and come up with consequences that the BOTH of you will use. By the way we are due to have #5. Three of our kids are boys. We Don't allow any fighting or wrestling of any kind between the boys. Some parents think it is ok, but we just don't believe it results in anything, but injury.

Stay strong and consistant. you may have some bad days, but it will pay off!