How do you discipline your 3-4 year olds?

[mama_moo]

I was just curious how everyone else goes about dealing with their 3 and 4 years olds when they do something their not allowed to (ie... hitting, pushing, talking back, not listening... ext ext...)

[hipumpkins]

Each example needs it's own thread. I don't have one rule to follwo it depends on the situation. DD doesn't hit so that one is out for me but you will find a lot of threads about 3 year olds right here on the front page. 3 is apparently a very tough age for almost everyone.

[Piglet68]

I had a hard time adjusting to the change in DD's behaviours when she turned 3. But after about 4 months of floundering, and another 2 months of getting "back on track", I feel well adjusted and capable of dealing with this age now.

What I did was remind myself of some of the principles of GD: when a child feels right, he/she acts right. Also, when a child is at their worst, that is when they need you the most.

We had big issues with DD hitting her little brother. Finally I realized that what she DIDN'T need was to be reminded it was wrong. She knew it was wrong and had known that for some time. Second, her empathy for DS was starting to noticably develop: the same child who would whack him one mintue, would later come running if he had fallen down and hurt himself - she would be obviously concerned, ask if he was okay, and comfort him. I realized her hitting him was not out of a desire to hurt him. So I treated her hitting as I would like to be treated when MY parenting is not up to par, when *I'M* running low on mental resources, and when I go and SCREW UP....I comforted her. I acknowledged her feelings, and that it can be really hard to not hit when we're frustrated or angry. I let her know that mama sometimes does things in anger that I know are not okay. I'd hug her and leave it at that (btw, at the same time I was saying this I was also comforting DS with hugs and nursing). Then later we'd talk about alternatives to hitting when we're angry/frustrated.

It may sound as though I was rewarding her for hitting. But what I was doing was just as the GD principles say. I was assuming that her intentions were good (i.e. she was not hitting to deliberately hurt him, or because she specifically knew she was not supposed to). I gave her my unconditional love and acceptance of who she was, when she was "at her worst". I can tell you, that within a few short weeks our hitting issues were GONE.

"Defiance", "No!", "Talking Back". Well, I have found that simply not engaging in arguements is key here. I'll say "it's time for a bath" and she'll say "NO. I dont wanna have a bath". I'll mutter something like "oh, you don't want a bath right now, huh" and then continue with getting the tub ready, and then I use some Playful Parenting to get her laughing, and some Redirection like asking her what toys she'd like to bring to the bath, or I'll offer to read a story to her while in the bath, etc. Works every time.

There are many situations like this where she will knee-jerk respond with a "NO!". I think this is normal and healthy for her. I don't argue about it. I validate it by repeating what she's said, but I don't change my action (this is for general it-needs-to-be-done stuff, like baths, leaving playgrounds, getting ready to go out, etc). I feel she gets the "no" out of her system and I don't get sucked into an argument. I guess you could say I "ignore" the No's and the defiance, and just keep using techniques to get her moving along. Sometimes we'll play a game where she'll say "no we're NOT" and I'll say "yes we ARE" in a playful voice and we'll go back and forth, then I'll change to "no we're NOT" and she'll say "yes we ARE" and then we both end up laughing.

Trying to seek attention through unacceptable behaviours: She went through a spitting in the house phase. At first I got sucked into responding, and it got worse. Then I just ignored it and maybe would mutter "I don't like spitting in the house" but that's it, I'd continue with my business. Within a couple of days she had stopped.

But I also make sure there isn't something else going on. When she began tackling me every time I sat down, I eventually figured out she wanted to play, and so I started doing some "kissy monster" wrestling a la Playful Parenting and that cured the tackling me stuff really well, too.

The bottom line is, I've made it through this challenging phase without resorting to power struggles, imposing consequences, punishment, or bribery/rewards. It took a while to find what worked, but I just refused to consider coercive/power-based techniques. I'm SO glad I did, because as DD is heading towards age 4, I'm seeing some wonderful examples of her modelling this approach in her own conflicts with DS and other children she plays with, and I've watched her empathy for others grow freely. It's been very rewarding. But man, it was tough going for a while!

[ZanZansMommy]

Originally Posted by Piglet68

We had big issues with DD hitting her little brother. Finally I realized that what she DIDN'T need was to be reminded it was wrong. She knew it was wrong and had known that for some time. Second, her empathy for DS was starting to noticably develop: the same child who would whack him one mintue, would later come running if he had fallen down and hurt himself - she would be obviously concerned, ask if he was okay, and comfort him. I realized her hitting him was not out of a desire to hurt him. So I treated her hitting as I would like to be treated when MY parenting is not up to par, when *I'M* running low on mental resources, and when I go and SCREW UP....I comforted her. I acknowledged her feelings, and that it can be really hard to not hit when we're frustrated or angry. I let her know that mama sometimes does things in anger that I know are not okay. I'd hug her and leave it at that (btw, at the same time I was saying this I was also comforting DS with hugs and nursing). Then later we'd talk about alternatives to hitting when we're angry/frustrated.

It may sound as though I was rewarding her for hitting. But what I was doing was just as the GD principles say. I was assuming that her intentions were good (i.e. she was not hitting to deliberately hurt him, or because she specifically knew she was not supposed to). I gave her my unconditional love and acceptance of who she was, when she was "at her worst". I can tell you, that within a few short weeks our hitting issues were GONE.

The bottom line is, I've made it through this challenging phase without resorting to power struggles, imposing consequences, punishment, or bribery/rewards. It took a while to find what worked, but I just refused to consider coercive/power-based techniques. I'm SO glad I did, because as DD is heading towards age 4, I'm seeing some wonderful examples of her modelling this approach in her own conflicts with DS and other children she plays with, and I've watched her empathy for others grow freely. It's been very rewarding. But man, it was tough going for a while!

Thanks I needed this & I can't wait to try it.

[gardenmommy]

Piglet, thank you for posting that. I have a 4.5 yr. old. She is usually very sweet, but can be very difficult. It is hard sometimes not to engage in power struggles. I wish that I had taken the time to investigate this forum about 6 yrs. ago when my oldest was just little. I feel like I'm having to really backpedal a lot to change my relationship with him. What you posted is very good advice! Very helpful.