wounds

[A&A]

Previously there was a (pulled) thread about choosing intact partners. Well, this isn't the same topic, but that thread got me thinking.

Unfortunately, we all come out of childhood with wounds, regardless of how "good" or "well-meaning" our parents were. (Speaking of emotional wounds, not just physical). My dh's circumcision was just one of the wounds inflicted upon him in childhood. His parents' divorce deeply wounded him, too, as politically incorrect as that is to admit. (And circumcision is, of course, a much more primal wound.)

It also wounded him that his mother would use the line, "I won't love you if you don't ________________________ " (filled in with whatever the demand of the day was.)

And I have my own wounds, as well. Part of the task of marriage, I think, is to somehow help each other heal from those old wounds. And a major task of parenting is to minimize the wounds to our children, as much as possible. (And I know sometimes that's not possible.......divorce becomes necessary, etc.)

Of course I'm not a perfect parent, but at least I know that I didn't inflict any genital mutilation upon my children. That's a really good place to start, I think.

And referring a little back to the other thread, I think it may be a little premature to eliminate a partner because of a particular childhood wound, since we all have them (as long as the partner is willing to not perpetuate that same wound on the next generation.)

[Revamp]

Hmm... Now this one is tricky to me.

I certainly do not hold anything at all against RIC victims, I could never. That it was not their choice is the entire point and thus they are not responsible at all.

The difficulty is with, well, finding them attractive. I am really not into scars and seeing a circumcised penis tends to make me feel a good deal more squeemish than sexually aroused. Perhaps I should be better at dissassociation but I can not help but think of what was inflicted upon them.

I have seen (and, even worse, heard) footage of circumcisions being performed and...Well, they were without a doubt the furthest thing away from arousing that I can imagine. Perhaps I should somehow stop drawing the images of circumcised penises and the operation that got them that way but I really can not and thus it is close to impossible for me to enjoy viewing them.

So would I prefer an intact male partner? Yes, as much as I would prefer an intact female partner. I would find it very difficult to have a full relationship with either a man or woman who had had that forced upon them, in all other aspects but sex things would be fine but I do not see it as shallow to say that sex matters.

[Galatea]

thanks for changing it - even though I use it myself

[Revamp]

Removed it, I tend to frequent forums with a far more rough arrot and as a consequence my judgement over the appropiate nature of such words is occasionally impaired during a lapse in my mental functioning.

My apologies, I assure you that it shall not occur again.

[Past_VNE]

It's all I can do not to use that term when discussing adult male anatomy. To me, at least, it's the sweetest and best nickname for the penis.

But, alas, I can see why it's not family friendly. Our literate little ones would pick it up far too easily, looking over our shoulders.

[Revamp]

Seconded, it is perfect overall IMO but not appropriate in this venue.

[Minky]

Don't know what the controversy was about, but if you can't accept your partner, wounds and all, do them a favor and move on before you get into things deep enough to break a heart.

I feel like rejecting a man circ'd in infancy is every bit as shallow as rejecting a man for being intact. In saying that I don't think I could handle having an intact partner as I was abused by an intact man when I was young. And that's my own scar to bear.

But yeah, if you're going to be shallow, be shallow. Ask on the first date. Let your potential partner know how shallow you are before they get attached. I did it with DH before we became intimate but I already pretty much knew the answer--military family, fully vaxed, his younger sis was forever on antibiotics.

[trmpetplaya]

Originally Posted by Minky

But yeah, if you're going to be shallow, be shallow. Ask on the first date. Let your potential partner know how shallow you are before they get attached. I did it with DH before we became intimate but I already pretty much knew the answer--military family, fully vaxed, his younger sis was forever on antibiotics.

My ex-boyfriend was intact and he was born into a military family. Father was circ'd. ex-bf was fully vaxed

I wouldn't discount someone because of circ, but I'm very very glad that I ended up with an intact dh and hope dd will too I'll try and refrain from asking all her future bfs about their circ status though

love and peace.

[baybee]

this is a previous thread that addressed some of these issues

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=370615

[Revamp]

I wouldn't discount them but it would be very difficult. Maybe this is something I could get over, I am really not sure yet. But I would find it hard.

[phatchristy]

My son wacked the keyboard and of course, lost my post .

Anyhow, I will repost basically what I wrote. I have to say that I do sometimes feel sad when handling/examining DH's thingie. I will just say that once you know what "should" be there it can be sad to see what is remaining/what is missing/what the damage is. Sad to know what he is missing and what the remants are ...and that where he should be feeling blissfull stimulation there is pretty much NOTHING . I see scar lines, and suture holes and raised scarring in a couple of areas. I try not to think about it, but if I take time to look it is obvious. The doc who did his circ apparently didn't like frenulums either, and decided to scrape all his out .

Anyhow, I try not to focus on that. I think it sucks though that DH doesn't get as much out of it as he was intended to...sigh. Restoration is going to help (has helped somewhat aready), but we won't obviously know what things would have been like if his parents had left him whole. If I did have the chance ever again to date I would search out a foreigner most likely. I have to say men with accents as well are a plus . Neither DH or myself believe in divorce (he is a great partner/father and my best friend and we get along well), so if I am ever in the situation I will just have to hope I am still a hottie when I am a senior citizen .

[phatchristy]

double post...oops!

[MamaLouisa]

I hear you.

My DH was circ'ed fairly brutally as an infant as well and due to some complications has extensive scarring and I can only imagine pretty significant loss of sensation as well. I wish like crazy that he'd consider restoration for HIS sake, but selfishly I know I'd enjoy some benefits too. He's so far rejected the idea largely because I think he can't fathom the idea of looking so different. That and I think that the process would be really tough because of the scarring.
Our boys are happily intact (with DH's absolute approval)... I hope if I ever have a daughter that she falls in love with an intact fella. I have days when I truly think the impact on our sex life is that significant.