Can't seem to DTD....TMI, I know....but HELP!

[jrose_lee]

Okay, had ds almost 5 months ago. I'll admit, he was fairly big at 9.1 and he came out with his arm up by his head! So, I had some substantial tearing, but everything was fine. Here's the only problem...dh and I have been trying to DTD for months now and are having absolutely no luck. I'm sorry, I know it's TMI I just don't know where else to turn b/c all my doctor said is, "You're not relaxing....just relax and stop tensing muscles." I told him I AM relaxing. He won't really listen. I am putting all my effort into just relaxing. I swear, dh just doesn't fit anymore! He cannot get in there! This is ridiculous! Not only do we need this intimate part of our relationship but how will we ever have more children later on! Isn't five months a long time to have this be so painful and uncomfortable and just plain impossible? And please don't suggest lubrication....BTDT. Nothing Works! If anyone might have a clue what could be wrong with me...please tell me! I seriously feel like my body just doesn't work in that way anymore Is there something I just don't know?

[AnnesMoM]

I'm not sure I'm posting this right, but we were talking about this here last week. It sounds a lot like vaginismus - It can happen for many reasons, childbirth being one of them. Unlucky me - I've had it since dh and I married 11 years ago. I'll try to link to the post, if I doesn't work, look for the post titled "pain w/sex but no bad tearing". Good luck

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=446861

[QueenOfThePride]

For me it took six months for sex to feel completely comfortable again. I also had a nine pound one ounce baby, but only minor tearing. I hope you can find a solution. *Hugs*

[Quagmire]

My first babe was only 6 lbs 12 oz and I still had a really tough recovery. I had a labial tear and things were just *really* sore and uncomfortable for a long time. We didn't even try sex until 3-4 months pp, and it was similar to what you described... "just doesn't fit" It was like that for 3-4 months, and then (without a lot of practice in between) the pain just vanished, and sex was better than ever I think I just needed time. Give yourself space to heal, and maybe think about seeing a different practitioner. Your doctor sounds like he's being dismissive of your concern, which is not at all helpful, for the problem or for you as a woman.

[Quagmire]

My first babe was only 6 lbs 12 oz and I still had a really tough recovery. I had a labial tear and things were just *really* sore and uncomfortable for a long time. We didn't even try sex until 3-4 months pp, and it was similar to what you described... "just doesn't fit" It was like that for 3-4 months, and then (without a lot of practice in between) the pain just vanished, and sex was better than ever I think I just needed time. Give yourself space to heal, and maybe think about seeing a different practitioner. Your doctor sounds like he's being dismissive of your concern, which is not at all helpful, for the problem or for you as a woman.

[poetesss]

Don't despair, mama! I'm sorry your doc was not supportive...unfortunately most doctors, unless specialists in the issue, are woefully uneducated about how to deal with sexual pain in women. I had one doctor just ignore my obvious symptoms and pain (including an intact hymen after being married for months...didn't even mention it after the pelvic exams) and another just prescribed muscle relaxants before sex (umm, like I'm gonna be on these relaxants for the rest of my life? Besides the fact that those just don't work for some women during sex).

I agree that it sounds like it could be vaginismus. Because you have successfully had sex before w/penetration, if it is vag then it would be "secondary vaginismus" which sometimes does happen after childbirth or sexual abuse/trauma.

I had vaginismus for a few years before I could get over it...I know that feeling of "it just won't fit"...it's very frustrating, I'm sure even more so if you have had successful sex before.

I posted these suggestions in the thread linked to above, but I'll just repeat in case and try to add to it. If you suspect that it may be vaginismus, then perhaps you could give some of these a try and see if they help:
--try using dilators--they start out shaped small, almost like tampons and you practice inserting them to help stretch and retrain your pc muscles (the ones in the vagina). You can see what they look like at http://www.vaginismus.com

--before that, try using your fingers. see if you can get one finger in, then two, three, etc. Do this (and the dilator exercises) along with some deep breathing and muscle relaxation exercises.

--if you can't/don't want to get dilators, try using other stuff that has the size and shape you need, and just cover it with a condom...I know some women who swear by zucchini!

--try EFT, a type of acupressure therapy you can do yourself or with a therapist. it stands for emotional freedom techniques.
(http://www.emofree.com) Even though I didn't have emotional issues associated with the vaginismus (as far as I knew) EFT is also useful for physical complaints as well. It helped me get over my first dilator in one session when I had been trying it unsuccessfully for months. I then went from the smallest to the largest size within a week using this technique, which is an unusually fast rate.

--go to yahoogroups and do a search for secondary vaginismus or just vaginismus. There are a lot of women who have similar issues w/sex and will give tons of great advice and support. You might even be able to get referrals for practitioners in your area.

--if your self therapy attempts don't work or you'd rather just see someone for help, try and find a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor treatments, or an OB who is knowledgeable about the various vulvar pain disorders who can point you out to a specialist who can help.

BTW, on the having kids issue, don't worry--even if it takes time to get over this and you want to get pg during that time, there are ways, like using a narrow syringe to shoot the semen up there, etc. But I'm confident you'll get through this soon!

I hope all this helps... my heart really goes out to all women who are suffering with pain during intercourse and I wish them the best in getting treatment and support.

[brewgirl]

With dd, I ended up with a lot of stitches. I think we first tried dtd at around 3-4 months and it was AWFUL. Way, way painful. I think around 6 months we tried again, still bad news, but slightly better. If I remember correctly, by about 8 -9 months it was feeling mostly "normal". It just really took me a long time to heal. I REALLY hope that I don't have the same experience this time around. I am always amazed at those women who can go back to sex after only a few weeks. That would be awesome!

[velcromom]

I took at least 8 months before I could even try to dtd and then I felt just like you are describing - and that was after my c/s!!!

It was exactly like you explain - lube didn't help, relaxing didn't help... finally went to the dr, she offered me some cream with estrogen. Not a natural remedy by any means, but nothing else helped and it sure wasn't improving on its own so I accepted the prescription. I only had to use it a few times before things started going back to normal. I wonder if it was vaginismus, I have had the same symptoms at other times in my life without the trigger of childbirth, or since the cream worked so well, perhaps it was just the hormonal state of my body.

Trying EFT is a good suggestion!

[MaryJaneLouise]

Thanks everyone for the info. I had a surgical birth, but penetration has been painful for me ever since that time (I was carrying 15 1/2 pounds of baby, wonder if that had anything to do with it Thanks for the web site. It's good to know it's not "just in my head."