WOW! what a eye opener. here's what we did.WOW, thanks everyone for both sides of dealing with this predicament.
Yes, i am ashamed to say, i think we moved too fast without her input. i talked to my huband, and he still is on the side of "you want to play house, you cannot expect your room to stay in limbo." but, i got him to agree that we should put some of her stuff back, not the stuff on the wall, but her basics. boy, i wished i had heard about the "one year, i won't touch your room", before this fiasco.that would have been easier than this heartbreaking upsetting episode we caused her. i have never wanted to make my kids feel unwelcome, and boy did we screw that one up. but we are going to try to make it right. Not make it like it was, but a little more more grown up with her stuff.
We painted over her red room with a sage green. I hung her black curtains back up, put her entertainment center back (moved to paint, but she thought it was gone), put her lights back. i washed her clothes that were in her drawers, hung up what i could in the closet, and will put back her undies and socks in a smaller dresser i am painting (hers was destroyed, broken drawers, painted with vulgarity,swastikas and racist remarks). i have three beautiful pictures she won awards for painting in like 9th grade, that i am going to buy black frames for hang on the wall. i put her shoes and 50 or so pairs of black dock marten boots back in her closet. and i put some of the pictures of her and her friends on the entertainment center, and put a rug down to cover the black hair dye, bleach, makeup, and oil paint that smeared her carpet.
thank you everyone. we are going to try to communicate with her again today, to get together and talk. she would not answer her phone yesterday, can't say i blame her. but i can today see we were premature with this whole thing.
to build back her trust,respect will be a difficult thing. but we will try.