or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › daughter moved out, now feels rejected
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

daughter moved out, now feels rejected - Page 2

post #21 of 67
Thread Starter 

WOW! what a eye opener. here's what we did.

WOW, thanks everyone for both sides of dealing with this predicament.
Yes, i am ashamed to say, i think we moved too fast without her input. i talked to my huband, and he still is on the side of "you want to play house, you cannot expect your room to stay in limbo." but, i got him to agree that we should put some of her stuff back, not the stuff on the wall, but her basics. boy, i wished i had heard about the "one year, i won't touch your room", before this fiasco.that would have been easier than this heartbreaking upsetting episode we caused her. i have never wanted to make my kids feel unwelcome, and boy did we screw that one up. but we are going to try to make it right. Not make it like it was, but a little more more grown up with her stuff.

We painted over her red room with a sage green. I hung her black curtains back up, put her entertainment center back (moved to paint, but she thought it was gone), put her lights back. i washed her clothes that were in her drawers, hung up what i could in the closet, and will put back her undies and socks in a smaller dresser i am painting (hers was destroyed, broken drawers, painted with vulgarity,swastikas and racist remarks). i have three beautiful pictures she won awards for painting in like 9th grade, that i am going to buy black frames for hang on the wall. i put her shoes and 50 or so pairs of black dock marten boots back in her closet. and i put some of the pictures of her and her friends on the entertainment center, and put a rug down to cover the black hair dye, bleach, makeup, and oil paint that smeared her carpet.

thank you everyone. we are going to try to communicate with her again today, to get together and talk. she would not answer her phone yesterday, can't say i blame her. but i can today see we were premature with this whole thing.

to build back her trust,respect will be a difficult thing. but we will try.
post #22 of 67
Wow. I thought eighteen-year-olds were supposed to be adults, especially ones that move out of the house. Please don't let the people bashing you on this thread (donosmommy04 being a notable exception - what a marvelous way of stating a position that other posters are wielding like a weapon) make you lose sight of that fact.
The other posters that said that you can explain without apologizing have a point. It IS your house, and you have a right to keep it as you wish. Don't forget that this can be a learning experience for her as well.
post #23 of 67
i'm all for easy, gradual transitions and all that...

but i would not tolerate swastikas or other neo-nazi paraphanalia in my house. no way. the line is drawn where a person's "individuality" is expressed in racist remarks etc...

i think it sounds like what you did looks nice, still young, but nicer.
post #24 of 67
Interesting to see how many people seem to believe GD and AP turn off like a light switch at 18 or moving out. Wow. I had to double check my address bar.
post #25 of 67
Quote:
Interesting to see how many people seem to believe GD and AP turn off like a light switch at 18 or moving out. Wow. I had to double check my address bar.
That's harsh. Perhaps you believe that AP and GD at 3 yo looks exactly the same as it does with an 18 yo. (It's kinda hard to fit that 5"8 teenager into a sling, though. )
post #26 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by liawbh
Interesting to see how many people seem to believe GD and AP turn off like a light switch at 18 or moving out. Wow. I had to double check my address bar.

ITA where am I again?


Quote:
i talked to my huband, and he still is on the side of "you want to play house, you cannot expect your room to stay in limbo."
sounds like his motivation was to punish her for leaving, but I am glad that you are working on rebuilding trust with dd.
post #27 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by liawbh
Interesting to see how many people seem to believe GD and AP turn off like a light switch at 18 or moving out. Wow. I had to double check my address bar.
I thought the whole point was to raise healthy, independent, responsable adults......At some point, and an 18 year old that insists on moving out of the home is one of those points, you have to let them be adults and experience adult experiences. It's just the natural order of things.
post #28 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by sevenkids
I thought the whole point was to raise healthy, independent, responsable adults......At some point, and an 18 year old that insists on moving out of the home is one of those points, you have to let them be adults and experience adult experiences. It's just the natural order of things.
How is getting all your stuff tossed, and your space violated an "adult experience" or the "natural order of things????" Even if you get evicted, you get notice.

Was there warning? Did she have the chance to get her own stuff? What if she decides to go to college, and wants to come home? What if it doesn't work out?
Sounds like you, and many here, are punishing her for moving out. Nice.

It isn't like years have gone by, and her stuff is collecting dust.

It seems a bit like the old "throw 'em in, they'll learn to swim."
post #29 of 67
SHE decided to move out, did she not? It was her choice, she had her own 'notice'. Very few people in this world have the luxury of having two home-bases, two places where their stuff is sacrosanct and untouchable. Wouldn't we ALL (no matter our age) love to have spaces that other people pay for and that we are allowed to keep our things arranged just so and be left untouched? I want to live in THAT world.

If she needs to come back, I imagine she would be welcome. Her room might look a little different, but really, how big a deal is that?

Edited to add: remember, the OP said:
Quote:
We asked her before she left to please take down the filthy posters and vulgar words off her walls, pack up her un- needed clothes and stuff and pack it in the basement. She did not.
post #30 of 67
LIke I said, interesting to see how GD this all is.
post #31 of 67
Thread Starter 

just to summarize

She has been a "free spirit" child since she was young. Always busy with friends, going places, not a home body. That taken into account, when she started talking about leaving ASAP (january, when her huge insurance settlement, talking 6 figures, came to her hands) (which i thought would be AFTER she graduates hs) we had discussed that she would take her stuff and her cat. she had no problem with that. She said even up to the week that she was moving out that she would pack her UNUSED clothes, and stuff she would not be taking with her.
We asked her to remove the swastika and racist stuff from her walls. Not my taste, personally, but her expression. it was her room. i never enforced what was in my kids rooms, because it is their space. but it was not to overflow our home. we explained (many times to her through tears), that if YOU CHOOSE to move out, you are taking the step of acting as an adult, thus taking the responsibilities of your stuff that is yours. both here and in you new place. We had spoken many times in between the original move out and the day we packed her stuff, and she is "too busy" to stop by (on her way home from high school which is down the street from our house), to pack up her unused stuff and act upon our request. so my husband felt that she needs to understand she made a deal and we warned her and that is why we would do it. not angry, not in spite. there are consequences to your actions. to premature, yes, but we talked to her about it repeatedly. we did not THROW it out. we packed it in boxes neatly, labels with detailed labels. and placed it in the basement.

we did what we said we would do. is that so bad?
post #32 of 67
I don't think you didn't anything wrong at all. It was her choice to leave the nest, not yours. When I moved out at 18, I could've cared less what my mom did to my room. I was too excited to even look back! Of course, I knew if I ever needed to move back, I could (luckily, never did), but I would be moving back as an adult, not a child. Things change as we grow up, and it has nothing to do with GD.
post #33 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by liawbh
How is getting all your stuff tossed, and your space violated an "adult experience" or the "natural order of things????" Even if you get evicted, you get notice.

Was there warning? Did she have the chance to get her own stuff? What if she decides to go to college, and wants to come home? What if it doesn't work out?
Sounds like you, and many here, are punishing her for moving out. Nice.

It isn't like years have gone by, and her stuff is collecting dust.

It seems a bit like the old "throw 'em in, they'll learn to swim."
First, The racial slurs and swastikas would have been gone long before she moved out, in fact, she would have had to remove them herself and paint over the walls long before she even thought about leaving. No way in hell would I have tolerated, er, respected , that sort of "self-expression" in my home.

Second, if you move out of an apartment, your former landlord is not going to hang on to your things or your apartment, just in case you change your mind. I gaurantee they will be gone in the next bulk trash pick-up, and as soon as the paint dries, someone else will be using that space. You are responsable for removing them yourself or making suitable arrangements for them, and if you don't, someone will do it for you. That is what is expected of responsable adults.

Third, it's not her space anymore. She gave it up of her own free will and handed it back to her parents. It is now their space to do with as they will.


If she wants to come back, the OP made it clear she was welcome. However, the dynamics have been changed. It has nothing to do with being punished and everything to do with moving on, growing up, and dealing with the consequences of her decisions. When my oldest 2 moved out, they understood that they were welcome back if necessary, but it wasn't going to be exactly the same as when they left. They knew that if and when they returned home, they would be coming back as adults with adult responsabilities.

The natural order of things is children grow up, make mistakes, learn the lessons life has to offer, and become strong and healthy adults. The natural order of things is parents raise them to be adults and let them be adults.

She hasn't been thrown in, she jumped willingly. And her parents, instead of jumping in after her, are watching close by, ready to assist her if she sinks.
post #34 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by liawbh
LIke I said, interesting to see how GD this all is.
Why would an 18 year old adult even need GD?
post #35 of 67
The OP didn't specify the nature of the "vulgar" stuff on the walls until page two. From the original vague wording I thought it was just like, a stupid Aerosmith poster or something. Now that I hear the details, it sounds like there is a much more serious problem going on with this young woman.
post #36 of 67
Ciarra, I think what you did was respectful, and not out of line at all. You obviously have talked to her for quite awhile about this. I don't see this as being "unap" at all. Of course ap changes over the years. It has to, as do our children. As they grow and mature, they have to be responsible for more and more each year. She made the choice to move. She didn't respect your wishes as to her part of the work involved in moving. You respectfully boxed and labeled her things. It is your house. She was just using that room til she moved out. My mother use to always say, "we raise our children to leave", meaning that we raise our children to be independent, responsible, effective human beings. Once they are gone, it is their life to run, but of course us moms will always be there for them when they need advice as they start spreading their adult wings. Sounds like you are doing a great job! I have talked to my teen (almost 18) about the fact that her room will not remain her own personal space once she's not living her the majority of the year. Even when she goes off to college, unless she goes to college nearby and lives here at night and on weekends. There are others living here and who will remain here for years to come who could use more space.
post #37 of 67
Sevenkids, ITA w/why would an 18 yo even need gd? By that age, and esp. if the said teen is not living at home anymore, they should have a good foundation for self-discipline already. If not, they will fall and learn to pick themselves back up again. That's part of learning to be an adult.
post #38 of 67
Ciarra, I just wanted to share a tale of two rooms with you.

My mother was a homeowner and I was very much a homebody. I had few friends and spent most of my money from my part time job on fixing up my room. I left home very young (fifteen) and never returned except for brief visits. I didn't take anything with me except the clothes on my back and a toothbrush. My mother always hoped I would come home to stay and kept the room exactly the way I'd left it. She said that cleaning it was heartbreaking for her; I had way too many houseplants that required too much care, and she says that there was one fern in particular that would fall in her face and remind her of my hair.

When I did come back to visit, the room felt "creepy" too me. During my last visit, I had a three year old daughter, a six month old infant, and a moribund marriage, but being thrust back into the room of my teens felt like walking back in time and Mom and I argued over childhood issues that should have been forgotten years ago. I had to cut my visit short and Mom was crying as she walked away from the airport.

My daughter also left home at fifteen and moved into my old room at my Mom's house. That was what finally motivated Mom to reclaim that room.

The other room was my daughter's room in a rental. The house is a two-bedroom that we had to grab on very short notice to avoid becoming homeless. I have two children of opposite genders, so of course the kiddos got the bedrooms and I slept on a couch in the living room. The house is not designed well for this, although it is a nice house, and dd and I both had sleep deprivation issues. A lot of her furniture was damaged in the move and we could not afford to replace it.

For about a year before she left home, she took many frequent trips to visit friends and family, and had no problem with me sleeping in her room. My friends encouraged me to do so, since my back problems were exacerbated by sleeping on a worn-out couch for four years. I could never bring myself to do it and we wound up with the pathetic situation of my daughter's unpleasant cat having its own room for months at a time while I was dumped on the couch like an unwelcome visitor.

When dd moved away, I had fears of becoming a Miss Haversham with the closed off shrine to the dear departed. She packed what she wanted to take threw away what she wanted thrown away (no peeking) and I forced myself to sleep in her bed that night. It took about a year before I moved all of her stuff out except for one little corner where her TV used to be and her Princess Leia folder and Lisa Frank notebook still remain on a milk crate filled with Laura Ingalls Wilder books. She always encouraged me with suggestions of how she imagined my "Linux Geek Lair" should look.

Well, guess what? She came home.

I'm constantly offering her old room back to her, but she turns me down. The living room is more personalized and less of a "living room" than it was when I slept on the couch, which feels appropriate to me. It's not any easier for her to sleep on the couch than it was for me, but I see appreciation for the four years I "made do" instead of entitlement to the other bedroom.

I'm also less afraid of visiting my mother and morphing into an unhappy teenager again now that the "room that time forgot" is gone.

I hope our story makes you feel better; there really is no right answer about what to do with a grown child's room; my grandmother kept my mother's and my aunt's rooms exactly as they had left them and Mom and Aunt Betsy found it comforting rather than creepy.

You did what you did. It's just a room. Your relationship with your daughter is what matters, not a bunch of material objects in an empty space.
post #39 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by sevenkids
Second, if you move out of an apartment, your former landlord is not going to hang on to your things or your apartment, just in case you change your mind. I gaurantee they will be gone in the next bulk trash pick-up, and as soon as the paint dries, someone else will be using that space. You are responsable for removing them yourself or making suitable arrangements for them, and if you don't, someone will do it for you. That is what is expected of responsable adults. ...
Are you REALLY equating a childhood/family home with rental property? That they contain the same width and breadth of emotion? Because my dad still got a bit teary when my grandfather sold his childhood house about 5 years ago. Something to the effect that he really COULDN'T ever go home again now and my dad's over 50.

And your right you move out of an apartment the stuff is GONE if you don't take it. But if you move out of your family home the same is not expected. You seem to have a really hardass attitude on this and can't seem to find away to see why her daughter MIGHT feel rejected.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sevenkids
Third, it's not her space anymore. She gave it up of her own free will and handed it back to her parents. It is now their space to do with as they will.

...

The natural order of things is children grow up, make mistakes, learn the lessons life has to offer, and become strong and healthy adults. The natural order of things is parents raise them to be adults and let them be adults.

She hasn't been thrown in, she jumped willingly. And her parents, instead of jumping in after her, are watching close by, ready to assist her if she sinks.
You talk about making mistakes and her parents being there to assist her if needed, but can't see how she might be wondering if moving out WAS a mistake, or at least a scarey step and MAYBE, just MAYBE she's feeling adrift now. What if her choice doesn't work out and she doesn't have a "nest" to fall back to? You can't see how that would be at least disconcerting to her? REALLY?

OP:
I think you've handled it well. I hope your daughter comes around now. You didn't mean harm, but it was inflicted. We all make mistakes. We do our best to fix the damage and move forward! Good for you for trying to fix the damage and move forward!
post #40 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by sevenkids
First, The racial slurs and swastikas would have been gone long before she moved out, in fact, she would have had to remove them herself and paint over the walls long before she even thought about leaving. No way in hell would I have tolerated, er, respected , that sort of "self-expression" in my home.
There were several non-GD replies waay before that info was given. That is a sep. issue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sevenkids
Second, if you move out of an apartment, your former landlord is not going to hang on to your things or your apartment, just in case you change your mind. I gaurantee they will be gone in the next bulk trash pick-up, and as soon as the paint dries, someone else will be using that space. You are responsable for removing them yourself or making suitable arrangements for them, and if you don't, someone will do it for you. That is what is expected of responsable adults.
So we're just landlords to our kids???
Third, it's not her space anymore. She gave it up of her own free will and handed it back to her parents. It is now their space to do with as they will.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sevenkids
If she wants to come back, the OP made it clear she was welcome. However, the dynamics have been changed. It has nothing to do with being punished and everything to do with moving on, growing up, and dealing with the consequences of her decisions.
The OP, and the later post re: the DH's response sounds a LOT like punishment, or "oh, yeah, take that."

Quote:
Originally Posted by sevenkids
The natural order of things is children grow up, make mistakes, learn the lessons life has to offer, and become strong and healthy adults. The natural order of things is parents raise them to be adults and let them be adults.
She hasn't even finished HS yet.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › daughter moved out, now feels rejected