I'm worried about my friend and don't know what to do.

[JamesMama]

My best friend had a baby 5 weeks ago. She was very set on bf'ing and is so far doing great. The baby is doing great and all that.

But she keeps doing things that I think would impact her supply and it freaks me out, I don't know what to say or do!

Like, not letting the baby finish, she pulls him off when she thinks he's had enough. I commeneted about that and she said she usually does but sometimes she needs to do something so she has to stop him....okay...

Or, she went on a 9 hour long car trip and she drove and her mom (who doesn't drive) sat in the back and gave bottles. ETA- I guess she said they did pull over a couple times so she could actually nurse, and her brother (they picked him up where they stopped) drove home. Her DH gives bottles (EMB) fairly frequently and has since baby was 3 weeks old (advised by her midwife so she could get some rest). Maybe I read too much into that because he seems to switch fairly well.

She is planning on going on her honeymoon (first honeymoon was supposed to be in FL but Hurricane Katrina had other plans) at the end of July and leaving the baby with her MIL. I talked to her a little bit about that and advised her to either take the baby with or take her MIL and the baby with so MIL can watch baby so her and hubby can have time and she can be around to nurse if need be.

Now she's already back at work, and I don't think she really NEEDS to work (for financial reasons). She lives with her mother and father, her husband works full time...I just don't know what to do. I'm really worried about her but I don't want to sound like a bossy know it all if I start telling her my fears. I loaned her Dr. Jack Newman's book, she has all the Dr. Sears books. She really wants to be AP, she leaves the bucket in the car (unless it's cold or raining...which I understand), she holds the baby or else carries him in a carrier or sling, they cosleep for the most part...she thinks CIO is akin to child abuse...her mom is VERY pro-breastfeeding...her mom was unable to bf due to whatever (ignorance of dr's in the 80's I'd guess) and is really pulling for her daughter to nurse.

Please give me some advice here! I don't know what to do. I've thought about putting a 'Things that impact breastfeeding' list in my myspace blog because I go off on tangents like that fairly frequently so it wouldn't be a big deal...maybe something about the crappy maternity leave in the states having an impact on establishing nursing? Any stats on that?

Thank-you!

[wawap]

I dunno? I did all of those things except for the going on vacation part (IMO - it's WAY too early for that & it *will* have a very negative impact on bfing...) But we're still breastfeeding after over 2 1/2 years. No, it's not ideal or perfect, but if she's got support & dedication she'll get it figured out. Except for the vacation part. (I keep mentioning it, I know.)

I'm not sure there's much you can do. The blog route is probably the best if she reads it. Depending on how close you are, you could directly mention that some of it may have an impact on the nursing relationship, focusing on the vacation part. I wouldn't bring up the whole going back to work part because I am 99% sure that it would infuriate her (it would me). Sometimes people are really good at keeping their real financial situations concealed.

[TinkerBelle]

I think that you are a good friend to be concerned, but the part about her going back to work is kind of overstepping a bit. You really may not know everything about their financial status, and really, a lot of mothers BF and still work.

[aisraeltax]

it sounds like she is doing a really good job with bf'ing. as long as the baby is thriving, i dont know that i woudl say anything. she can read the books you gave her and if you feel compelled to do, then write in your blog.

i guess im a bit more tolerant b/c i see so many ppl ff their babies. sounds like she is doing a good job of bf'ing and has a lot of support.

the vacation is another thing. that is really early. i am not one of the moms that would never leave my child with a MIL or dh for years, but less than 6 months seems a bit extreme. BUT, having said that, moms do it all the time, right? as long as she has expressed enough bm before she leaves, maybe the bf r/s wont be negatively impacted. i just dont know if i could feel comfortable i left enough food and then what if he runs out. there is only one option: formula. and if he gets that, it will negatively affect HIM and her milk supply.


good luck!

[JamesMama]

Thanks mama's...I guess the work thing isn't such a big deal, I'm more worried about the vacation I guess...

I'm going to talk to her about that again, she did seem kind of leery of leaving him...but in the end I think she wants some time with her DH (DS was a honeymoon baby, they haven't had real 'couple' time) *sigh*

Thanks.

[pinkmilk]

Oh my god!!! I'd worry more about mom and baby being separated at such an early age...how long will her honeymoon be???That will be devistating for their nursing relationship and their emotional relationship!!!

You have to say something. If she really truely wants to do the best for her baby and be a true AP then she has to know how aweful this would be for her baby. Hopefully all it takes is some gentle words from a loving friend.

[JamesMama]

The vacation is going to be a week I think?

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by pinkmilk

Oh my god!!! I'd worry more about mom and baby being separated at such an early age...how long will her honeymoon be???That will be devistating for their nursing relationship and their emotional relationship!!!

You have to say something. If she really truely wants to do the best for her baby and be a true AP then she has to know how aweful this would be for her baby. Hopefully all it takes is some gentle words from a loving friend.

:

[Ruthla]

Maybe you can talk her into a weekend vacation now and then a longer vacation when the child(ren?) are older.

Going back and forth between breast and bottle, once BF is well established, isn't a big deal. Getting bottles of EBM while mama works is no big deal either.

[schatz]

the bottles of ebm or the working don't freak me as much as the vacation does. both my kids had both bottles and breast right away (because they were premies and in the NICU -- fwiw, my son had very few bottles in the NICU because by then I knew about the problems that can cause; luckily, my dd switched completely to breast when she was 3 weeks old) And I too went back to work (part-time) pretty early before transitioning back to full-time work (and I pumped until dd was 18 mos and I'm pumping as I typed right now).

anyway.... I have travelled for my job on several week-long trips while both my kids were nursing. Tell your friend that pumping all day and overnight for a week straight so that you don't lose your supply will SUCK!!! It is sooooo not fun. And, af might come back for her early (it did for me). And, unless she has a HUGE over abundance of milk, pumping ahead for a work will suck too. While on vacation, she'll have to get up in the middle of the night to pump - how romantic is that? Not to mention that she will miss her dc terribly! She'll really have a more enjoyable vacation if they wait until the dc is a bit older.

This is not a post to get her to quit bfing because pumping is hard but rather to send the message that bfing is way too important to treat it so trivially and go on vacation w/o a baby at that age.

[siobhang]

I guess I have two thoughts.

First, obviously there is stuff your friend is doing that may negatively impact bfing - especially the vacation.

However, my second thought is I think it is really important to step back a sec and recognize that this is *her* life and her family - you can be supportive and provide information WHEN REQUESTED but anything beyond that, in my opinion, is overstepping.

And it may be this is all you are intending, but I know how fired up I can get when I see someone doing something "wrong" and my desire is to jump in and "fix" it. I have had to stop myself on more than one occasion and ask myself "is this my business? Did she ask for help? If no, then SHUT UP".

I mean, how many times do we hear unsolicited advice ("get that baby out of your bed!", "you are spoiling her", etc) that doesn't respect us as competant parents? It is vitally important that we don't do the same thing to other parents who are not making the same decisions we are.

For me, lactivism means creating a supportive environment for breastfeeding - but that stops at shaming or cajoling a woman into bfing.

And that might mean biting your tongue sometimes or trying to give alternative perspectives that do not sound like advice or judgements.

It is DAMNED hard to do, especially when you hear stuff that obviously will negatively impact breastfeeding. But I do not think it is our responsibility to become the breastfeeding police, YKWIM? And in fact, when we start acting that way, THAT is whenI think we do lactivism a real disservice.

My two cents

Siobhan

[Joannarachel]

Hmmm....it does seem that she is sabotaging her breastfeeding, but what strikes me more than that is she appears to be sabatoging her attachment.

In fact, I'd say significant damage has all ready been done to her attachment if she can even consider leaving her brand new baby for a full week. Heck, I can't bear to leave my 19 month old for an overnight, and I haven't been seperated from my 3 month old, EVER.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by Joannarachel

Hmmm....it does seem that she is sabotaging her breastfeeding, but what strikes me more than that is she appears to be sabatoging her attachment.

In fact, I'd say significant damage has all ready been done to her attachment if she can even consider leaving her brand new baby for a full week. Heck, I can't bear to leave my 19 month old for an overnight, and I haven't been seperated from my 3 month old, EVER.

ITA!! (I've been agreeing with alot this poster has had to say lately...) My oldest is about to turn EIGHT & hasn't been away from me...not at all. I don't understand the thought process that leads to believe leaving a nb for a week is alright.

[JamesMama]

Thanks mama's. I'll talk to her again if it comes up...James is 15 (almost 16) months old and I get nervous if DH takes him to the store without me.

[JamesMama]

Phew...I talked to her again today and she said her and her DH decided to take the baby with. Sans MIL and make it a family vacation.

I'm so happy.

[Joannarachel]

Thank goodness. What changed her mind?

[JamesMama]

I'm not sure, her DH was the one that suggested it, I think they just decided he was too young to leave while to go halfway across the country.