I'm not lucky to stay at home

[mamalisa]

There, I said it. We sacrifice a lot of "things" by me staying home. Please don't brag about your "huge rec room" and how you just remodeled your house and how you "need" a new car and tell me how lucky I am to stay home all in the same breath. I'm not lucky, we made choices that enable me to stay home. There's no luck involved. We moved away from our family and friends for the opportunity for me to stay home. It was a tough choice, not luck that lead us here. Grrrr.

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

I hear you! I know there are some people out there who's income is so low that they simply can not afford to live on one income. And of corse there are single parents who have to make a living somehow. I feel blessed that I'm not in one of those situations but when women who's dh's make the same or more than mine tell me I'm lucky...It's one thing to choose material things over time with your kids (I'm talking 2 cars and a big house not food and shelter) but be honest with yourself about your choices.

[artgoddess]

I don't let comments like that bother me. Because I know I am lucky. There are a whole lot of families out there that do not have the options I have. Sure we live on a budget, but I never had to choose between paying rent or feeding my son. For that I am grateful.

[CNutty]

I couldnt agree more, we live in a tiny little house (ds's roon is about the size of a closet! ), dont buy lots of "stuff" and we have very little savings for emergency....and WHY?!?! because I felt that for me there was no other option but to stay home. Im not lucky, Im deturmined.

[Daisie125]

ITA!! We live on a single income that is only slightly higher than minimum wage, if we can do it, anyone can. I'm not lucky, I sacrifice, and wouldn't trade it for anything.

I also can't stand it when people give me the whole "I couldn't live without __________" (cable tv, a second car, going out to dinner, etc) They obviously don't want to stay home that bad, then.

[cynotgirl]

I have a neighbor who has a baby 1 month old than ours. She and her husband work. She tells me ALL THE TIME how LUCKY I am to be able to stay home, to get cleaning done... laundry... um... that's NOT why I'm home :

It makes me crazy. The amount of money she'd save if she cut out day care and cartons of cig's would allow her to be home.

It's a wierd social standard, I think, for a lot of women, to feel thier "worth" while staying home.

I LOVE It. We have hardly any stuff. Less to worry about, less to clean. (my weakness, though, is kitchen stuff and clothing for myself, and sometimes I admit I wish I could buy that stuff.) We have internet (my pt at home job pays for that.) we have a car. We have a one bedroom apartment. Ellie has 10 toys and diapers and clothes. blankets, dolls. What else does she need? I think she can forego the tea table and giant doll house.....

[Sustainer]

Thank you so much for posting this thread! I am SO sick of the "must be nice" attitude that I get from people who are way better off financially than I am, as if I'm indulging in some kind of luxury. You don't have to be rich to stay with your small children, but you do have to have the right priorities. They're just fooling themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling guilty!

[jkpmomtoboys]

Yeah I agree with this. We gave up a nice salary for me to stay home and I hear all the time from people who could arguably afford for one parent to stay home how "lucky" we are. For many of my friends, it's a choice they could make but choose not to, so don't tell me how lucky I am.

My SIL, with her two new Lexuses (Lexi?) and jaunts around the world, said to me that she doesn't "have the luxury to stay at home". WTF? I blew it off, but years later, it still irritates me...

[Sustainer]

Exactly! It's not "luck"! It's a CHOICE!

[Sisyphus]

Originally Posted by artgoddess

I don't let comments like that bother me. Because I know I am lucky. There are a whole lot of families out there that do not have the options I have. Sure we live on a budget, but I never had to choose between paying rent or feeding my son. For that I am grateful.

True dat.

I am one of the luckiest people on the planet. I don't have to worry about food or shelter or clothing. That's more than 90% of the world's population.

If you don't realize your privilege it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Edited to clarify my thought.

[BabyBumblebee]

I'm with ya! Being a SAHM has nothing at all to do with luck: it was a very real choice that entailed weighing up all kinds of factors. Do I feel glad in my choice? Yes, but that just shows that it was the right choice for me. Are we financially waaaay worse off than we could be if I went back to work outside the home? Also yes...but that's the sacrifice we chose to make.

[afishwithabike]

My mom raised three children on a mere $6.00 an hour. There was only ONE car. Usually a cheaper one with high miles. We did thrift store and garage sale shopping. Co-ops for food.

DH and I have a small home. We do however have two cars but NOT two car payments. We do thrift store shopping. Hand me downs for DD. DS is too young to get them from his cousins. Closest boy in our family is five years older.

[EVC]

Well, I think you're lucky and I mean no offense! I am a student mama so during the academic year I'm in class, but during the sumer I am a SAHM mom and, believe me, I LIVE for summer and I know how lucky I am to have the opportunity to stay at home with dd. Yes, one could argue that I have made a choice to go to school and I could just as easily choose not to and sahm all year round, but right now my fellowship is what pays out rent. It's either go to school or be homeless. So I do agree that sahm is in part choice, but not everyone is lucky to have the choice. Again, I mean no offense by this.

[Sharlla]

I agree, it's not luck that has me staying at home, but a lot of sacrifices to make it that way.

[artgoddess]

Just wondering: If a woman says you are lucky to stay home, do you ever tell her she is lucky to have a job she loves as well?

[CinnamonDeMarco]

Ha!

Ha! This is so true. Someone who was helping her 3 kids out of her new SUV so they could run off to private school said to me,

"I don't have the luxury of staying home."

and she said it in an insulting tone of voice.
I was walking with my stroller and K-Mart clothes. Luxury? Whatever.
I think she is jealus of me

[mamalisa]

Originally Posted by artgoddess

Just wondering: If a woman says you are lucky to stay home, do you ever tell her she is lucky to have a job she loves as well?

Funny you ask. This particular woman and I had a conversation about how much she loves her job. How long she's been doing it, that she only works part time, what she does, ect. We actually did talk about how lucky she was to really enjoy her job because after hearing my friends talk about all the crap they deal with at work, I have no desire to go back out there. She said she was lucky to have a job she loves and I agreed.

[daytripper75]

I agree that it isn't luck but I as a WOHM I know that I always want to say something nice and encouraging to SAHMs and it usually comes out as "You're lucky."
Coming from me personally, "You're lucky" can mean:
I think you're doing a great thing and some days I wish I could too.
Enjoy staying home!
Your kids are fortunate that you are determined to stay home with them.

The option of staying home is not there for me but I often dream of the day when I can cut back my hours at work and spend time playing in the grass with dd, keeping up with my household duties, not running from pick up to drop off...

So, I would bet that it would be irritating to hear but I think in a lot of cases it is other mothers trying to convey a kind feeling. Enjoy the envy.

[Dechen]

Of course luck has something to do with. There are many people living in dire poverty that can NOT find a way to make it on income. They don't have the choice. There are single parents who get no support from the other parent, and don't have the choice to stop working because they are the one income.

I agree that its obnoxious for people who could make the choice but choose not to talk about how "lucky" SAHPs are, but it doesn't change the fact that we are fortunate to be in a position to make that choice, even when that choice involves substantial sacrifice.

If someone tells you that you are lucky to SAHM, say "Thank you! I am." and take a moment to feel grateful for the life you have chosen. You can even say "Yes, it has certainly take a lot of sacrifice but I'm so grateful we were ale to make it happen." Because most of us are, aren't we?

Being a SAHP is not pure luck, but there IS an element of luck/good fortune involved and I think its important to be thankful for it.

[japonica]

I'm so glad this thread was posted as well. I never know how to answer the ones I usually get:

1) You're so lucky!

2) It must be nice to stay home (well, it is...sheesh)

3) It's great if you can afford it (spoken like raising our daughter is an expensive holiday or something)

Most of the women who have said this to me are the ones in the neighborhood whose hubbies have nice city jobs or govt jobs but the moms still work anyway and choose to put their kids in daycare. They tell me that even though their DH has a swell job, they "need" to work. But then they also have new cars and go on nice trips and remodell their houses. We live in a small bungalow and take in a tenant downstairs to help pay for the mortgage, my computer is 8 years old (the last time I brought it in for repair, the tech begged me to buy a new one), we drive 2 used cars that we got at auctions (we've never owned a new one), and the last holiday we took was a 2 day getaway not far from home. No trips to Disneyland for us. Since our DD arrived, there is no other time in our marriage when we've had such money issues, but I will not go out to work (if some P/T consulting comes my way that I can do from home, then I won't turn it down). Luckily, my DH agrees about not working (he says plenty of time for that when she's older) so there's no pressure there.

Hey, maybe being around to watch our little sweeties grow and learn new things every day does make us lucky...

When I hear it again, I'll say, "You know...you're right! Being home with my DD to see all her 'firsts,' to see her learn new things, to cozy up with her in bed on a rainy day and nurse her to sleep makes me the luckiest person in the world."

J