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I'm not lucky to stay at home - Page 3

post #41 of 260
mamawannabe,

post #42 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kleine Hexe

I have not seen anyone slam a work out of home mom on this thread.
How bout this:

"You don't have to be rich to stay with your small children, but you do have to have the right priorities. They're just fooling themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling guilty!"

"wrong priorties" and "fooling themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling guilty" sound a lot like a slam to me.
post #43 of 260
Quote:
Say our rich lawyer friend, Adam, tells us about his week-long vacation in the Bahamas. We respond "You are so lucky." Adam gets irked at us for not recognizing the sacrifices they went/go through (7 years of school, never going out in college so they could make the grades they needed, working 60 hours weeks in a high pressure environment). Adam vents on a message board that people need to aknowledge that it isn't circumstance but a choice he made, a choice that comes with sacrifices. Adam complains that his friend could make the same choice and so shouldn't call him lucky.

But I doubt Adam would get irked, at least not if he is happy. Which is why I think this thread is more about our frustrations with the unique challenges of sahm at the end of the 20th centruy than with the comments of our wohm friends.
There are 2 differences:

1. A vacation in the Bahamas is a luxury. Staying at home with small children is not a luxury.

2. If a person who was richer than him made the comment, with the attitude that he is able to afford things that they can't afford, then yes, I would expect him to be annoyed.
post #44 of 260
Definitely a sacrifice!

We went from being a family who did what we wanted, when we wanted to being a family who has to consider which bill is going to get paid this week.

Its NOT luck....if I were "lucky" money wouldnt be an issue.

I wouldnt trade it for the world though. Nobody could put a price on watching my daughter grow for the last 17 months.
post #45 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by artgoddess
Wanting admiration and humility from a WOHM with a fancy car and house for me simply being a parent the way that works for my family would be like expecting my right-wing FIL to give me credit for the time I spent volunteering with the Democratic Alliance for Action. It's just not the same lifestyle, and complaining about not receiving the gratitude I wouldn't expect from own family smacks of thinking you are better than someone else because of those differences.
Admiration and humility no, but validation yes. They are different. Just like I commend a woman for being able to balance work and "mom duties." Being a mom is not easy whether you stay at home or not. The women that irritate me are ones who do not validate the things I do to be able to stay home. My college friend I spoke of before has told me I'm "wasting my education" and in the next breath tell me how lucky I am to be able to afford to stay home. Well, she could afford it but she acts like she can't. She'll also complain to me about how she's tired of her daughter always being sick, of her commute in traffic, among other stresses working moms have and this bothers me because she repeats over and over that she has no choice. It's when you pretend like you don't have a choice when you do, and while doing so you act like my life as a stay at home mom is a walk in the park. So I'm not looking for admiration or humility....I'm looking for validation that being a mom is a hard job whether it's your only job or not.
post #46 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe
Say our rich lawyer friend, Adam, tells us about his week-long vacation in the Bahamas. We respond "You are so lucky." Adam gets irked at us for not recognizing the sacrifices they went/go through (7 years of school, never going out in college so they could make the grades they needed, working 60 hours weeks in a high pressure environment). Adam vents on a message board that people need to aknowledge that it isn't circumstance but a choice he made, a choice that comes with sacrifices. Adam complains that his friend could make the same choice and so shouldn't call him lucky.

But I doubt Adam would get irked, at least not if he is happy. Which is why I think this thread is more about our frustrations with the unique challenges of sahm at the end of the 20th centruy than with the comments of our wohm friends.
I think it is more like this analogy.

Adam and Harry make the same amount of money. They have about the same amount of debt and bills. Adam saves his and goes on a fabulous vacation. Harry spends his on gambling, cigarettes, fast food, trinkets, whatever. Then he says, "Boy Adam, you sure are lucky to get to go on vacation."

Harry chose to spend his money differntly. He could have went on vacation if he had made different choices. It is annoying for him to say Adam is lucky.

I feel like we have the politically-correct-police watching this board.
post #47 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe
"wrong priorties" and "fooling themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling guilty" sound a lot like a slam to me.
I did NOT say that all WOHMs are fooling themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling guilty. I said that the wohms-by-choice WHO MAKE NASTY COMMENTS are fooling themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling guilty.
post #48 of 260
I know it sounds so Leave It To Beaver, but all I've ever wanted "to be when I grow up" is a wife and mother. Who knew it would take 40 years, but I'm finally here, and I do feel lucky beyond words. I feel lucky that we can content ourselves with garage sale clothes and used cars, a small, modest home, and not much in the way of luxury; lucky that simply being with my precious boy fills me to the brim and leaves me wanting nothing.

Some women are simply not designed this way. Some women would open a vein if their entire day's conversation revolved around lame knock knock jokes and over-the-top praise for pooping in the potty. And perhaps the world today demands so many hands to keep it running that half of the population choosing to stay home would be disastrous. Maybe it has to be just a lucky few.

Perhaps when another mother says to you, "You're lucky to get to stay home," what she really means is, "You're lucky to want to stay home." I think often women who know they are not cut out for being with their kids 24/7 wrestle with demons of guilt.

I am lucky, and so is my husband, and so is my kid.
post #49 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sustainer
There are 2 differences:

1. A vacation in the Bahamas is a luxury. Staying at home with small children is not a luxury.
In my experience, you are wrong. It IS a luxury to be able to stay at home with your children. It comes from a vast base of privilege, and a certain material allowence to be able to do. It IS a LUXURY. One thousands of women in the US do not have open to them. You don't get to qualify statements like that with ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sustainer
I did NOT say that all WOHMs are fooling themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling guilty. I said that the wohms-by-choice WHO MAKE NASTY COMMENTS are fooling themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling guilty.
Or by saying you weren't talking about the POOR WOHM's. Just the uppity ones you don't like.
post #50 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maggies*Mommy
We went from being a family who did what we wanted, when we wanted to being a family who has to consider which bill is going to get paid this week.

Its NOT luck....if I were "lucky" money wouldnt be an issue.
Money is apparently not enough of an issue to place your family in a position where both parents *must* work to sustain the same standard of living that you currently enjoy on one salary. I'd call that luck.
post #51 of 260
.
post #52 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pynki
In my experience, you are wrong. It IS a luxury to be able to stay at home with your children. It comes from a vast base of privilege, and a certain material allowence to be able to do. It IS a LUXURY. One thousands of women in the US do not have open to them. You don't get to qualify statements like that with ...

Or by saying you weren't talking about the POOR WOHM's. Just the uppity ones you don't like.


What the heck?
post #53 of 260
What? Was there a part of it I need to clarify? What part didn't I make clear.

My stance on why SAHP IS a luxury? Or why you don't get to say you weren't talking about THOSE women. It was the other ones?
post #54 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by CinnamonDeMarco
I think it is more like this analogy.

Adam and Harry make the same amount of money. They have about the same amount of debt and bills. Adam saves his and goes on a fabulous vacation. Harry spends his on gambling, cigarettes, fast food, trinkets, whatever. Then he says, "Boy Adam, you sure are lucky to get to go on vacation."

Harry chose to spend his money differntly. He could have went on vacation if he had made different choices. It is annoying for him to say Adam is lucky.

I feel like we have the politically-correct-police watching this board.
Not politically correct police, just sahms who don't want to be part of a sahm community that engages in the mommy war crap.

Would Adam get irked. Not if he was happy about not gambling and buying fast food trinkets (he may be somewhat bemused). That is a differerce I am trying to highlight. The problem isn't with Harry telling adam he is lucky while Harry doesn't save his money, but with Adam's frustration with having to save instead of gambling and buying trinkets.

In other words, the problem isn't wohm saying we are lucky, but our own well grounded frustrations with our finacial etc. sacrifices. A more productive answer would be to address our frustrations head on (i.ee. the how to be a happy sahm thread - which was a great thread)
post #55 of 260
What I would lie to know is where are all these SAHMs who get all their housework done. I need to slap them for making me look bad.
post #56 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen
I know it sounds so Leave It To Beaver, but all I've ever wanted "to be when I grow up" is a wife and mother. Who knew it would take 40 years, but I'm finally here, and I do feel lucky beyond words. I feel lucky that we can content ourselves with garage sale clothes and used cars, a small, modest home, and not much in the way of luxury; lucky that simply being with my precious boy fills me to the brim and leaves me wanting nothing.

Some women are simply not designed this way. Some women would open a vein if their entire day's conversation revolved around lame knock knock jokes and over-the-top praise for pooping in the potty. And perhaps the world today demands so many hands to keep it running that half of the population choosing to stay home would be disastrous. Maybe it has to be just a lucky few.

Perhaps when another mother says to you, "You're lucky to get to stay home," what she really means is, "You're lucky to want to stay home." I think often women who know they are not cut out for being with their kids 24/7 wrestle with demons of guilt.

I am lucky, and so is my husband, and so is my kid.
I love you.
post #57 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by alisaterry
What I would lie to know is where are all these SAHMs who get all their housework done. I need to slap them for making me look bad.
NOW THAT I can get behind! :giggle:
post #58 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pynki
In my experience, you are wrong. It IS a luxury to be able to stay at home with your children. It comes from a vast base of privilege, and a certain material allowence to be able to do. It IS a LUXURY. One thousands of women in the US do not have open to them.
You obviously have a different definition of what a luxury is than I do, if you put staying at home with children in the same category as bermuda vacations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pynki
You don't get to qualify statements like that with ...

Or by saying you weren't talking about the POOR WOHM's. Just the uppity ones you don't like.
Whether you accept it or not, my comments about fooling themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling guilty were NOT directed at "WOHMs." They were directed ONLY at "certain WOHMs-by-choice who make nasty comments." Go back and read my post. I absolutely did NOT say or imply that all WOHMs are fooling themselves in an attempt to avoid feeling guilty, and if people keep accusing me of that, I am going to get mad.
post #59 of 260
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pynki
In my experience, you are wrong. It IS a luxury to be able to stay at home with your children. It comes from a vast base of privilege, and a certain material allowence to be able to do. It IS a LUXURY.
Yes, it is a luxury. I give up other luxuries to be able to have this luxury. However, if you have the ability to have the same luxury of staying home and you don't choose it....then don't make comments to me that you can't afford it. Cause you can. Also don't act like my choice to stay at home has purely to do with luck....it also has to do with the work I do to make it work.

Why do women who can afford the luxury of staying home but choose not to, feel the need to justify their choice by saying they can't afford to stay home? I'm sure it's the double standard that society puts on moms. There's also a notion that stay at home moms want for nothing and have it all.
post #60 of 260
<edited>

I came to this board(Mothering.com) because I didnt think there would be all the bickering like on mainstream boards. Im HIGHLY disappointed. Ive been on a couple of threads and have seen the same crap. Sad.
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