this might be kind of long
K, with the exception of a few hours of crying when this first sunk in, I have been doing pretty well. Thursday morning however was a completely different story. I was fine until I had to pack my bag for the hospital, you know, just in case. It just didn't seem fair to have to be ready for the baby to come when I'm only six months along. And that's lunar months, not calendar months. It didn't phase me to pack up my older daughter and send her down to Utah while we figure things out. I wanted to protect her from the situation for as long as possible. It didn't phase me to pack my younger daughter's overnight bag with enough clothing and diapers for 4 days, just in case. But packing my bag (and I had already been putting things in a pile as I came across them over the last few days) really broke me down. I was crying so hard I couldn't see. I didn't know what I was going to do. I couldn't quite pinpoint exactly what I was feeling, but I was definitely feeling a lot of whatever it was. I think it was mostly a feeling of helplessness, suprisingly there was no fear. I had prepared as much as I could in the time I had (I still plan to keep preparing as much as possible) and knew there was nothing more I could do. Not knowing what is going to happen, let alone when and WHY, is very difficult. I have known that this is all in the Lord's hands and that He has a purpose for what is happening. He has made that clear from the beginning. I would never do anything to change His plan, I know this is going to be something that will change me forever. But that doesn't make it easy.
Somehow I made it through the morning and got the things done I needed to get done. Luckily DH got off work an hour early, so we got to leave early. (did I mention this all hapened on his birthday? poor guy) The next morning I stopped by Walmart. While I was meandering through the baby section checking out the preemie stuff (good brands even, and very reasonable prices. Only have the larger preemie sizes though
) I ran into an old youth leader from growing up. She was pregnant too and we got to talking. It turns out that after I moved away to college she got pregnant with her third child and from the beginning there were problems. She spotted weekly for the first tri and at 19 weeks her water broke. She was put on complete bed rest (every time she even moved her feet fluid would gush) for the rest of her pregnancy. She spent most of the rest of her pregnancy in the hospital. Miraculously (sp?) she managed to avoid infection and carry her daughter to 30 weeks. Because of the fluid issue however, the baby's lungs never developed. She managed to live for 6 hours and they were blessed with the oppertunity to hold her before she died. Her two older children didn't get to meet their sister until the next day. The oldest was three and the youngest was 19 months (the same age Zoe is now) and they still talk about the day they met their sister.
I am so glad I ran into her. After talking with her I felt so lucky. I am 25 weeks along and I am in perfect health. I am not limited at all in what I can do right now. I have not yet had to stay at the hospital, I am free to carry on my life as normal. We are well ahead of the game with the baby. Most of the time this problem isn't discovered until birth because VERY FEW u/s techs are even trained to see it. The surgeons have been alerted as to the situation and are already preparing for whichever of the possible outcomes we might be facing. I have really good doctors and a top rated NICU. Even better...Things stayed the same over the last two weeks! I have a little more time to carry my child before she comes into this world. What more could I ask for. Besides, I have been reminded..."Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things...". Just because I don't know what my Heavenly Father's plan is or the reasons behind it, doesn't mean I can't have faith. Some things aren't meant to understand at the time. If you understood all the reasons it wouldn't have such a profound influence on you.
Well, thanks for listening (if any of you actually made it all the way through). I guess I really just needed to talk.