Unhappy Family Members

[mamama]

Is anyone else having problems with family that is less than thrilled about your pregnancy? I have an older sister who does not yet have children and seems to be angry at me for being pregnant. She can't say anything to me without saying something nasty. I'm not sure how to cope with this. And I'm especially worried what will happen when the baby arrives.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this or have any advice?

[Ranjhu]

Your sister/family members are being very selfish. How is it your problem that she doesn't have any kids. That fact is that you are pregnant and soon will have a baby. When the baby gets here, she will fall in love with him/her. Don't worry about it and enjoy your pregnancy!

[mamama]

Thanks for your response. That is what I'm trying to do, and it certainly is the rational thing. But my sister is not being too rational, and I can't help but worry she won't change even when her nephew arrives. But I suppose there's nothing to do but wait and see.

[Bethla]

None of my pregnancies were supported by my family. They've said some pretty mean things. I just tried to stay away from them as much as I could and surround myself with more positive people. My family loves my children and has never treated them badly, but it still hurts to remember some of the things that were said.

[Satori]

Is it possible your sister is struggling with infertility and just hasn't said anything about it?

[sophiamama]

(hugs) Sorry you are dealing with this! I'm having a lot of "resistance" to this pregnancy (my second) because a cousin is pregnant with her first and we are due within a few weeks of each other. Everyone seems to think that I got pregnant just to spite her!:

[mamama]

My sister's situation is more complicated than infertility. She's a lesbian and she and her partner haven't figured out yet how they are going to have a child. They haven't tried anything yet, so she has no idea if she's infertile or not. That's part of the jealousy -- that it's easier for me.
I'm so sorry to hear that other folks have unsupportive family. I can't understand why everyone isn't happy to welcome a new family member!

[Gabe_n_Pippas_Mum]

Hugs to you!!

I sometimes try to remember that hurtful words said by other people have nothing to d o with me and everything to do with those people. When people say mean things and my ds4 hears, I say, "Those people aren't very happy in their hearts. That's why they're saying those things. But we know they aren't true."

I know that's easier said than done!!! Sending positive thoughts your way.

Beth

[c_something]

It sounds like your sister is being very selfish and it is not your problem that it is easier for your to get pregnant!!

[ameniahsmommy]

Originally Posted by c_something

It sounds like your sister is being very selfish and it is not your problem that it is easier for your to get pregnant!!

I agree there are many options for your sister and her partner, they just need to make up their minds and make a move.. You should not be troubled with her problem...:

[phillychiquita]

I am sorry that your sister seems so angry.Your news deserved a more positive reaction, but I think that your compassion towards her situation and the likely feelings she has is really important in making sure your relationship doesnt suffer further strain.
I can kind of identify with her feelings though, and can tell you that in hindsight, I am embarassed to have acted that way towards my own SIL.

For us it was that I wanted to TTC and DH still wasnt ready. His younger brother was in the Army, and when he got home from Iraq, he made an announcement (I" am going to knock her up") which I found offensive. At the same time my SIL had privately told me she wasnt ready to have kids, and wasnt feeling like she would ever want kids and then all the sudden, they get pregnant and call us while we are on vacation to tell us. I cried that whole night. I was angry and jealous that 1) they had beat us to it 2) they didnt seem to take getting into parenthood as seriously as I felt I would 3) my SIL didnt seem to want a baby, when I was dying for one.
It felt like a slap in the face --and I see now that I made it all about me -- their pregnancy news had just brought up a lot of the issues that DH and I felt unresolved about and it hurt that we were so unresolved. After a while, I tried to get more involved and be supportive -- and was lucky that my SIL let me participate a bit in her pregnancy (we went shopping together for maternity clothes) an gave me the benefit of the doubt. I really tried to be happy for them. When the baby was born, I again cried and felt very very jealous but then we went to meet/hold her and I fell in love with my niece.What I learned about myself and my own relationship during that time was that although it was hard to wait, it was the best choice for my own relationship (to postpone kids for a while and work out the commitment and other issues).

Someday, your Sister will probably come to that same conclusion. For now, she's probably just feeling left out and jealous and uncertain of her own future. That's her stuff though -- and she shouldnt put it on you!

[Arwyn]

When my SIL told her mother about being pregnant (their first! I'm an AUNT! ), her mother said "Oh god, but I already have 11 grandchildren!"

Oy.

I think she's pretty much come around, though, now that the kid is here (and named after her ).

Don't people know that the only appropriate response when informed of a wanted, welcomed pregnancy is some variation on an excited "Congratulations!"?

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by mamama

My sister's situation is more complicated than infertility. She's a lesbian and she and her partner haven't figured out yet how they are going to have a child. They haven't tried anything yet, so she has no idea if she's infertile or not. That's part of the jealousy -- that it's easier for me.

So she's basically being mean to because you're heterosexual? Cute--not.

Tell her flat out that you don't like her being mean to you about this and tell her that you hope to be supportive of her and her partner when they have children.

[heabrook]

We only have a few family members that didn't seem to be that happy about it. Some said we should have waited longer. What kind of comment is that? It seems to me, that it is solely our decision whether or not we want to have a baby now or later.

Personally, my firm belief is that you should not criticize someone about something that has already occurred. It just does not make sense. If something has already occurred, it more than likely cannot be undone.. so why waste time and energy criticizing someone about it? Especially, if the people whom are being criticized actually wanted the occurrence to occur.

Sometimes, if you are perfectly happy with your current situation, people will criticize you merely because they are envious that their current situation isn't as good as yours. The best thing to do is to not let anyone bother you. If they cannot treat you with respect and kind words, then they should not speak at all.

[kewpie-o]

Originally Posted by heabrook

Sometimes, if you are perfectly happy with your current situation, people will criticize you merely because they are envious that their current situation isn't as good as yours. The best thing to do is to not let anyone bother you. If they cannot treat you with respect and kind words, then they should not speak at all.

Wish people like that could just be happy for others who are being blessed w/ good fortune.

[HeavenLeighGrace]

I've been the jealous SIL.

Not out of spite or anything....It's just hard when you are going through infertility and you hear mamas announcing their news! It's not that I wanted to be upset....it just happened!

Not being your sisters case though I don't know what to say.

If you can, maybe talk with her on general ground. Ask her her feelings and ask her if she wants to talk.
Maybe there is something else bothering her and she needs her sister!

Hugs mama!

[mamama]

Thanks for all the kind words. I'm so sorry to hear about all the other unsupportive family members out there! I can definitely feel for folks who have a hard time with jealousy because they want a child so badly. But I just don't understand it taking over to the point where that person drops away completely, which is what my sister has done. There's a lot of baggage about me being the younger sister and having a baby first, and also she has always thought I've been treated better by my parents (classic older sibling stuff, I guess). I just can't believe she would let such issues cut her off from her family. It seems so senseless. I really hope that once there is an actual baby to relate to that he will cause her heart to melt. But I just don't know. Anyway, thanks again for all the support!

[terrordactyl]

people can be pretty rude. just ignore it. it seems to be more her problem if she just can't decide how to have children. of course its going to be easiar for you to get pregnant

[angela-wds]

I understand how you're feeling. I had my first baby when I was 19 and my sister was very unsupportive although it was understandable since I was very young at the time. My son is almost 4 years old now and she loves him more than anything. I'm still married to the same guy and we're now 7 wks pregnant with number 2. She is not thrilled at all and thinks I'm being irresponsible to be having another baby at this time. I know that she loves me and I try my best to understand her point of view. It's very hard, though. Right now we're in the process of relocating to Las Vegas. My husband has a good job and we're doing well. The one and only problem is that we're not completely stable yet, as in we haven't decided where to buy a house or anything like that as we have been living overseas for a few years. We're both very excited about the baby and to have my sister be so negative is just really upsetting for me. She even said that she won't allow herself to be directly involved in this matter in any way. It really hurts as I'm 23 and very responsible. I've raised my son very well and she knows it. I'm not really sure why she is the way she is when we've been so close ever since we were kids. I just wish that she could be as happy for me as my mom and friends are.

[mamama]

Wow, Angela, sounds like our sisters should get together. Your experience with your sister sounds similar, though for different reasons. I'm 28 and this is my first, so my sister can't really claim I'm too young -- and she's not super forthcoming about her feelings, though it's clear that she's jealous. Let's hope that once each of our sisters sees their new tiny family member they won't be able to help being involved!