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Let's Brainstorm How to Improve the SAHM Forum

post #1 of 144
Thread Starter 
Aren't we all tired of threads turning into the same old arguements and getting locked?
post #2 of 144
What do you suggest? It would be helpful if you gave everyone a jumping off point. I do get tired of reading the same arguments over and over. However, being a SAHM and doing the job that a SAHM does is a very touchy subject among women.

I would love for this forum to try to take a more positive spin on things. Perhaps, when a thread starts getting argumentative, more people should chime in about keeping the thread calm and supportive. Maybe more of us should just agree to disagree and take the high road more often. You can walk away from a thread without posting, I know it's hard, but it can be done.

I would like to see the SAHM's show more respect towards each other. It's not a contest to see who the best mom is, it's a forum.

Besides we all know the best mom in the world is Britney Spears and how can we compete with that.
post #3 of 144
I would like this be a place where SAHMs can vent about their own personal experiences -- without WOHMs nitpicking and claiming that generalizations are being made.
post #4 of 144
I agree with RedWine. I love checking out this forum because of how much support I get just from communicating with other mom's with similar values.

Obviously, that is going to center around my decision to be home with my children.
post #5 of 144
Quote:
I would like this be a place where SAHMs can vent about their own personal experiences -- without WOHMs nitpicking and claiming that generalizations are being made.


Absolutley! I would have no problem with someone venting the other way back, either.
post #6 of 144
Thread Starter 
I think the conflict is mostly between us SAHMs.

I think we disagree on whether SAHMing is ideal. I think that is our main problem. We don't disagree nicely.

I think certain things are ideal.
Breastfeeding is ideal.
Natural birth is ideal.
Kids shouldn't watch a lot of TV, ideally

I can freely say these things on MDC. The odd person may point out how these things are not always true. They may say...
"What if the child has a cleft palate and can't nurse and the mother has supply issues? That happened to me and I use formula."
"I HAD to have a C-section. It was the best thing for me. I might have died without it."
"I need a break from my son or I'll go crazy. He watches wholesome shows and he likes it and learns a lot. TV is good for our family."

I don't mind people saying they disagree or pointing out situations where the ideal really not ideal. It is okay to disagree and see exceptions to the rule.

However all heck breaks loose after someone even hints that SAHMing is ideal. Some SAHMs really disagree that SAHMing is ideal. They post and call it judgmental. I've even read posts saying no one should say SAHMing is ideal. It turns a debate and it gets ugly. Then the thread gets locked and we never resolve anything.

I am not trying to blame all the ugliness on those that do not think SAHMing is ideal. I had to admit this but..The pro-SAHMers do end up saying things that go beyond just being pro-SAHMing. We end up seeing statements that really are a slam to certain WOHMs. It doesn't start out as a slam, but the arguing does get out of hand after a while. No one slams a mom who works to put food on the table and a roof over her families head. It's the Moms who work for other reasons, who are the subject of some not-so-nice talk.

How can some of us express how we are pro-SAHMing respectfully? How do we disagree about whether SAHMing is ideal without turning a thread into a disaster zone? KatyMom has some ideas.
post #7 of 144
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedWine
I would like this be a place where SAHMs can vent about their own personal experiences -- without WOHMs nitpicking and claiming that generalizations are being made.
I think venting about your personal experiences is fine. It's whan you vent about someone elses personal experiences that it becomes a problem.
post #8 of 144
Quote:
Originally Posted by KatyMom
What do you suggest? It would be helpful if you gave everyone a jumping off point. I do get tired of reading the same arguments over and over. However, being a SAHM and doing the job that a SAHM does is a very touchy subject among women.

I would love for this forum to try to take a more positive spin on things. Perhaps, when a thread starts getting argumentative, more people should chime in about keeping the thread calm and supportive. Maybe more of us should just agree to disagree and take the high road more often. You can walk away from a thread without posting, I know it's hard, but it can be done.

I would like to see the SAHM's show more respect towards each other. It's not a contest to see who the best mom is, it's a forum.

Besides we all know the best mom in the world is Britney Spears and how can we compete with that.
You know what, I did that yesterday and I got completely overlooked. Others did that and they were practically attacked for it, accused of censoring.
post #9 of 144
I am new to MDC, but it never occurred to me that people would see this forum as a place to debate whether to SAHM or WOHM. It seems so obvious that this forum would be a place for people who are SAHM to connect, support each other, vent, share insights and advice. That's why I come here and those are the threads that I've participated in.

Perhaps a simply sticky that outlines the purpose of the forum?

I mean, do people go to the step-parenting forum or the adoption forum or the single parenting forum or the queer parenting forum to have ideological debates about whether it was okay to be a parent in that situation? That would be offensive and absurd.

Why should this forum be any different? People SAH for many different reasons -- some ideological, some practical, some do it for along time, some for a short time. All sahp should be welcome here.

Just my .02.
post #10 of 144
good post, I totally agree.

maybe most threads become heated b/c most are venting? not necessarily debating, just regular old venting gotta get this stupid comment off my chest venting? maybe some see it as being attacked and therefore become defensive then thats where the arguing starts?

maybe if we can take the venting threads for what they are - a quick complain fest. I'm all for personal growth and asking myself, "why does this comment bother me? what am I missing" but sometimes I just want to complain with others who will understand. Misery loves company, right?
post #11 of 144
Quote:
Originally Posted by artgoddess
You know what, I did that yesterday and I got completely overlooked. Others did that and they were practically attacked for it, accused of censoring.
Well, you tried and that's what matters. Accusing others of censoring is just childish, however, and it makes us all look silly. We are all adults here and we should be able to treat each other as such. I think we have a hard time letting a thread die when we get emotional over it. Of course, that's kinda a personal problem.

I have never understood the need for validation that some mothers have, but I think that is where the problems begin. Someone doesn't agree with someone else and all hell breaks loose - whatcha going to do? It's human nature, and the whole "Mommy Wars" thing is getting completely out of hand. I don't think a SAHM is any better than a WOHM, as long as they both care deeply for their children and are working hard, in their own ways, to provide the best possible enviroment for those children to grow and florish.

I think that a little more mutual respect and common courtsey will clear up the problems in this forum. Unfortunately, the anonymous nature of the internet makes this an unattainable goal. People have always and will always post and run, just for the sheer joy of stirring the pot. It was a noble idea, however. Kudos to the OP for trying.

ETA: Maybe the OP has accomplished something, just by giving her concerns a voice. Maybe, the rest of us should try to be a little more sensitive to the threads OP's intent and give the support they are seeking.
post #12 of 144
Quote:
Originally Posted by artgoddess
I think venting about your personal experiences is fine. It's whan you vent about someone elses personal experiences that it becomes a problem.
Agreed.
post #13 of 144
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shenjall
good post, I totally agree.

maybe most threads become heated b/c most are venting? not necessarily debating, just regular old venting gotta get this stupid comment off my chest venting? maybe some see it as being attacked and therefore become defensive then thats where the arguing starts?

maybe if we can take the venting threads for what they are - a quick complain fest. I'm all for personal growth and asking myself, "why does this comment bother me? what am I missing" but sometimes I just want to complain with others who will understand. Misery loves company, right?
ITA.
post #14 of 144
I don't post much on this forum - mainly because of the arguing. I tend to read and then choose not to post if things get out of hand.

Perhaps if we could focus on our own experiences rather than our philosophies? If people wish to discuss philosophies, they could make a note of that in the thread title?

A few questions that come to mind: What do we share in our SAHP experiences? What are the differences and how can we use these differences to learn from one another and support each other rather than judge and attack each other?
post #15 of 144

One More Thing.....

If everyone could just remember that...

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, it's when you decide to share that opinion that the problems start. For the most part, you will not be making any major theraputic breakthrough's for others in an online forum.

If someone has set their minds against a certain idea, there is no amount of capital letters, overuse of punctuation, and childish name calling that is going to change that. You should mearly provide links to your resources and references and leave it at that, they can look at them if they wish. We are still a society that encourages the free exchange of ideas and opinions, we should try to be more respectful of that. Besides, if everyone agreed with everyone else, it would be a very boring place.
post #16 of 144
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KatyMom
Accusing others of censoring is just childish, however, and it makes us all look silly.
Some people here believe that no one should post things like, "SAHMing is the best thing for babies." They think it is
1. untrue
2. offensive and judgemental
3. just going to lead into all heck breaking loose

On our most recent blocked thread someone said the solution to our problems is to not say "SAHMing is ideal." You can say it is good for your family. That is one possible solution. (I don't like it too much but we are brainstorming here)
post #17 of 144
Quote:
Originally Posted by artgoddess
I think venting about your personal experiences is fine. It's whan you vent about someone elses personal experiences that it becomes a problem.
This is what I did. Artgoddess, you are the only one who gave me support. Others said I was being judgmental.

I'd like to be able to say that I believe that making a child a higher priority above having nice material things is good parenting. (if you have to sacrifice the needs of your child to get the nice things is what I'm talking about. If you can have nice things and meet the needs of your children then you are where I'd like to be some day. ) Just like I can say that I believe that breastfeeding is a higher priority over other things like mom having her body back, mom being able to leave when she wants, or dad being able to feed the baby, etc. I can say that I believe that a baby's needs to sleep with mom should be a higher priority over mom and dad wanting to sleep by themselves. I just believe that a child's needs should come before a parent's needs and/or wants if it's possible to meet those needs. I understand that we can't all meet every need our children have at every given second. However, when I have a personal experience where I see a child's needs repeatly not being met because the parents have other prioritys (and these priority's are not necessary) I'd like to be able to come here and vent. Especially when these same people do not respect my choices and parenting.
post #18 of 144
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kleine Hexe
This is what I did. Artgoddess, you are the only one who gave me support. Others said I was being judgmental.

I'd like to be able to say that I believe that making a child a higher priority above having nice material things is good parenting. (if you have to sacrifice the needs of your child to get the nice things is what I'm talking about. ... However, when I have a personal experience where I see a child's needs repeatly not being met because the parents have other prioritys (and these priority's are not necessary) I'd like to be able to come here and vent. Especially when these same people do not respect my choices and parenting.
Uh Oh it's getting juicy now!

Let's remember that whether or not we agree with Kliene's view is not the issue. Let's not hyjack this thread by stating whether or not we agree with her. You know this thread will crash and burn if we start talking about whether or not we agree.

Let's focus on how to help this forum.

Kleine is what I call Pro-SAHMing. She thinks SAHMing is ideal (right?) So when we see a post like hers, what should we (collective we) do differently? What do we need to change so we stop having the same arguing. Or do you think she needs to change something about her post?
post #19 of 144
I'm not sure there's a way to please all of the people all of the time on ANY forum. It's very easy to get offended online because you can't hear the voice or see the person behind the post. I personally don't find anything offensive about someone stating that they feel SAHM is beneficial to children, or that WOHM is beneficial to children. I can't tell someone what they should think. It would be nice though to be able to say what *I* think without being accused of being judgmental or whatever. I personally don't think judging others' choices is all that bad of a thing, necessarily. How can you decide for yourself what's best for you if you're not considering options and judging whether or not they are right for you?
post #20 of 144
Yeah, I don't know. I see this board as a support place. I get nothing out of coming here and bitching about the way someone else parents. I'm not saying that I don't see parenting that bothers me on some level. It just never makes me feel better to complain about it.

From my post in the locked thread in response to alisaterry's question what do we want from this board :

Quote:
I want from this board, not just the SAHM forum, is support for my choices without having to bash another persons differences to get that support. I see threads started at MDC all the time with titles like "Why even have children - VENT" or "What parenting things do your mainstream friends do that makes you angry?" I don't understand how threads like that are productive or foster a growing, caring, nurturing environment for any parent. What fills my cup as a parent is hearing people say to me, "hey that's great you are BFing your toddler." it does nothing for me to hear about that bitch someone saw at the mall with one of those hands free bottle things. Same goes for this forum, I want support for what I am doing, not complaints about what someone else is not doing.
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