Birthday party snub - WWYD?

[lindberg99]

My DS is in kindergarten. We've been playing after school and getting together once or twice a month (at the park or whatever) with this boy in his class and his mom. I don't think the boys are really "best friends" but they do get along with each other and play together when we get together. And I *thought* his mom and I were friends. My son had his birthday party a couple weeks ago and while DS didn't suggest inviting this other boy (S), I made sure to invite him. S came and had a good time. I knew S's birthday was last week and had overheard something that made me think he was having a party today. Well, I found out at school today that he is and didn't invite my son. My son doesn't know about it but *I'm* feeling pretty hurt. I know that DS is not going to be invited to everyone's birthday party and we didn't invite everyone to his but I *thought* that he would have been invited to S's party.

I'm not sure if I should say anything to this other mom about it or not. What do you think you would do? Would you tell her that it hurt you? Or just ignore it? I'm really not sure what to do. We're moving in July and I'll probably never see her again and I'm seriously considering just avoiding her until we move!

[RedWine]

I would ask her if anything was wrong. That you know her son's birthday is coming up, and that you were wondering why your son didn't receive an invitation. Try to ask in a very concerned way -- concerned as though maybe your son did something to her son and you didn't know about it, etc. This might make her feel less defensive.

[Bella's Mama]

I am not sure what I would do, but I just want to say... Wow! That just seems SO mean! I don't get some people...

[katallen]

I would ignore it and just continue to let the boys play and have fun if they do enjoy being together. It may be that the boy is having a private party with close friends and family and you aren't close enough to qualify. Or perhaps the little boy go to pick a certain number of friends and your son wasn't one that he really wanted to have over. If your son isn't bothered by it then I would just let it go. Every friend out there is going to do something that annoys you and if you let it get to you you will not have many friends soon.

[Kirsten]

I would ignore it - but I wouldn't go so far as to avoid her til you move.

How are the playdates each month set up? Is it always you calling her or does she ask/plan some of them too?

How big was the party? Most times there is a limit - you can invite 8 friends or whatever. Maybe this boy has a lot of friends from preschool, neighborhood buddies, cousins, etc.

I can see how it would be disappointing. But I think you should try to understand that not everyone who your child plays with or is in class with or even who comes to HIS party will invite him to theirs.

Some kids have parties with 20 kids. Some kids have parties with 5. Some invite just same sex friends - so my dd1 who invited a certain boy from her class to all of her parties for many years didn't get invited to his ever. No big.

My kids have a hard time deciding whom to invite. I assume other kids have the same issue. I try not to let it upset me if one of them misses a party invite. It seems like a snub to you - but I'm sure that was not the intent. Just let it go.

[lindberg99]

OK, I'm starting to feel better already! I'm sure his mom did limit the # of kids a lot because she's not a real "crowd" person.

When we get together, it's usually pretty casual. There is a park by her house and one of us will call the other one and meet up there. Or sometimes we both happen to go to the pool or wherever at the same time. Who knows, maybe DS didn't get invited because the kid figures he sees him outside of school more than some of the other kids.

Thanks for helping me put it in perspective!!

[onlyzombiecat]

I'm glad you are feeling better.
Wish the little boy a happy birthday and enjoy your playdates until you move.

[Twocoolboys]

I would ignore it. I am the type of mom who lets my ds choose his guest list for his b-day party. I've always let him invite the number of people for how old he is. When he turned 5, I had a friend with a boy a year younger than my ds. They had played together, but he was by no means in my ds's close circle of friends. He was not on my ds's list of 5 kids he wanted to invite. And, the five that he chose were all his good, good friends. I would not make him replace one of them for this other kid.

I didn't say anything to my friend about my ds's b-day party, hoping she wouldn't find out. She did find out and she was p***ed to say the least. She called me up and yelled at me, telling me how hurt she was, blah, blah, blah.

But, it was my son's b-day. It was HIS day. It wasn't about her or her son. We chose long ago to keep our children's b-day celebrations simple and if I start inviting everyone that I may feel "obligated" to invite, that list would get pretty long.

Anyway, I still let him choose and I always will.

But, she made me defensive and I was a little hurt that she would attack me like that. It's a kid's b-day party, not an invite to the Inagural Ball.

I am editing this because as I reread it, I think I sound crabby about it all! That just goes to show that two years later, I am still annoyed that she questioned me on this! LOL - I need to get over it!

[oliversmum2000]

i sort of had this happen when ds 1 was 2. we had a friend who we saw a lot and did lots with, well her dd's bday was about 10 days before my ds's.

we called and said we had a present for her dd and could we drop it off, she asked if we could come by in the morning and not the afternoon, well as it happened we didnt manage the morning so went by in the afternoon - they were in the middle of a big party with lots of kids, she stood in the doorway and never asked us in and made us very unwelcome, ds saw the party cakes and really wanted one but she never offered.

her dd had already been invited to ds's party but she refused to invite us to her dd's

the next day we phoned and told her ds's party had been cancelled - i was really hurt about this.

people can be so weird

[ollineeba]

Originally Posted by oliversmum2000

i sort of had this happen when ds 1 was 2. we had a friend who we saw a lot and did lots with, well her dd's bday was about 10 days before my ds's.

we called and said we had a present for her dd and could we drop it off, she asked if we could come by in the morning and not the afternoon, well as it happened we didnt manage the morning so went by in the afternoon - they were in the middle of a big party with lots of kids, she stood in the doorway and never asked us in and made us very unwelcome, ds saw the party cakes and really wanted one but she never offered.

her dd had already been invited to ds's party but she refused to invite us to her dd's

the next day we phoned and told her ds's party had been cancelled - i was really hurt about this.

people can be so weird

How rude! I would have been really hurt, too.

[ollineeba]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

I'm not sure if I should say anything to this other mom about it or not. What do you think you would do? Would you tell her that it hurt you? Or just ignore it? I'm really not sure what to do. We're moving in July and I'll probably never see her again and I'm seriously considering just avoiding her until we move!

I would feel a little hurt, but there could be a lot of explanations, like pps mentioned. Sometimes it's hard to keep it to a minimum and bday parties can be expensive. It's possible that it was mostly family with only a friend or two.

[callmeluci]

OK, I guess I am a bit weird. I really, truly dislike kiddie parties. My son typically goes to maybe 3 a year. Where we live you are expected to spend a minimum of $25 on a gift. That adds up fast if you go to every party for every child that your child knows. And honestly, I hate seeing my son hyped up on cake & candy. Additionally, I have never been to a party where somebody didn't cry. For my son's birthdays, we have done something different each year, usually only inviting his two 2nd cousins or his best friend. We have way more adults than kids in our family. Last year we had his party at a winery & it was a big hit. As far as saying anything to the other mom, why bother? She is either oblivious to what she did or just doesn't care. {{{HUGS}}}

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by oliversmum2000

we called and said we had a present for her dd and could we drop it off, she asked if we could come by in the morning and not the afternoon, well as it happened we didnt manage the morning so went by in the afternoon - they were in the middle of a big party with lots of kids, she stood in the doorway and never asked us in and made us very unwelcome, ds saw the party cakes and really wanted one but she never offered.

I can imagine that would be an uncomfortable situation for all concerned. But it sounds like she tried to avoid it - she made it pretty clear that she wanted you to come by in the morning. You came exactly when she asked you NOT to. At that point, maybe she was too embarrassed to invite you in, or maybe she didn't have enough goody bags to give one to your son and thought it would be less hurt to just stop there.

There could be a variety of reasons - if she invited your son then it means she'd need to invite the rest of the people in that group of friends, and that number was just over the top of what would fit in her house? maybe your son and another guest don't do well together and she was trying to avoid conflict on that day? maybe her mom has a weird allergy to your perfume?
Maybe her child is older than yours and just wanted "big kids" at her party? Some moms make their kids invite the children of their friends; some moms let the birthday kid decide.

There will be many, many years of birthday parties for our kids, and ALL the kids they know. That is a LOT of parties. Some of them will include our kids and some won't. It is hard to see your child sad when he/she isn't invited. But I try to explain to my kids that the child can't invite everyone they know (just like WE can't invite everyone we know). It isn't a personal snub.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by katallen

I would ignore it and just continue to let the boys play and have fun if they do enjoy being together. It may be that the boy is having a private party with close friends and family and you aren't close enough to qualify. Or perhaps the little boy go to pick a certain number of friends and your son wasn't one that he really wanted to have over. If your son isn't bothered by it then I would just let it go. Every friend out there is going to do something that annoys you and if you let it get to you you will not have many friends soon.

:

The last two years that dd has had birthday parties I invited her whole
preschool class so not to have hurt feelings. This year her class doubled
in size and there are many children to play together often and have made
friends with dd, and some who haven't as much.
So instead of handing out invites to the whole class today (last day of
school, summer party in June), I am mailing them out to just a select
few kids who are close to dd.

As long as dd is happy, I'm happy. Your ds is happy, be happy.

[oliversmum2000]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

I can imagine that would be an uncomfortable situation for all concerned. But it sounds like she tried to avoid it - she made it pretty clear that she wanted you to come by in the morning. You came exactly when she asked you NOT to. At that point, maybe she was too embarrassed to invite you in, or maybe she didn't have enough goody bags to give one to your son and thought it would be less hurt to just stop there.

There could be a variety of reasons - if she invited your son then it means she'd need to invite the rest of the people in that group of friends, and that number was just over the top of what would fit in her house? maybe your son and another guest don't do well together and she was trying to avoid conflict on that day? maybe her mom has a weird allergy to your perfume?
Maybe her child is older than yours and just wanted "big kids" at her party? Some moms make their kids invite the children of their friends; some moms let the birthday kid decide.

There will be many, many years of birthday parties for our kids, and ALL the kids they know. That is a LOT of parties. Some of them will include our kids and some won't. It is hard to see your child sad when he/she isn't invited. But I try to explain to my kids that the child can't invite everyone they know (just like WE can't invite everyone we know). It isn't a personal snub.

we werent in a group of friends so inviting my ds wouldnt have meant any more guests, we both only had one child and so no older children, plus it was not a small party her house was heaving with children.

it wasnt really about the children it was about the fact that i had thought we were pretty good friends and that we had already invited her dd to my ds's party and that she hadnt invited us to hers but had invited a really big group of other friends

i figured being friends with us wasnt important to her

plus i didnt see why the heck i should get my ds to be nice to her and her daughter when he had been left out in the cold by her

i havnt seen her since

[oliversmum2000]

Originally Posted by mama2babybeans

How rude! I would have been really hurt, too.

thanks

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by oliversmum2000

it wasnt really about the children it was about the fact that i had thought we were pretty good friends and that we had already invited her dd to my ds's party and that she hadnt invited us to hers but had invited a really big group of other friends

i figured being friends with us wasnt important to her

plus i didnt see why the heck i should get my ds to be nice to her and her daughter when he had been left out in the cold by her

Yes, that is exactly how I feel about this.

We ended up driving by this boy's house on the way to taekwondo during the party (I didn't know when it was or I would have gone another way). THere were only a few kids (and of course DS noticed it and commented on who was there) so I'm sure she did limit the number of kids he invited. I still think the fact that the mom and I are friends, she should have invited my DS.

But obviously, she isn't me. I'm looking at this as she's not friends with me because she didn't make her son invite my son to the party. But she is probably looking at it as she told her kid to invite X kids and he didn't pick my son. So I need to quit feeling like this all has something to do with ME.

I've decided not to say anything to her because it would probably just hurt her feelings and what is it going to solve anyway? It's not like she is going to throw another party and invite my son or something.

[Twocoolboys]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

So I need to quit feeling like this all has something to do with ME.

I've decided not to say anything to her because it would probably just hurt her feelings and what is it going to solve anyway? It's not like she is going to throw another party and invite my son or something.

GREAT advice! I wish the mom that called and was nasty to me because her son didn't get an invite to my ds's b-day party understood this.

[veganf]

I'd ignore it, and let that "friendship" disolve since you're moving anyway. But that's me! Life's too short to worry about stuff like that.

- Krista

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

I'm looking at this as she's not friends with me because she didn't make her son invite my son to the party. But she is probably looking at it as she told her kid to invite X kids and he didn't pick my son. So I need to quit feeling like this all has something to do with ME.

I really agree with the second part of this! Just because you and the other mom are friends has absolutely NOTHING to do with who goes to a kid birthday party. Just because you are friends with her, does that mean that your husbands have to be friends? Does your sister like her sister; do they invite each other to parties? One just doesn't have anything to do with the other.

Your friend let her child choose "x" number of kids to come to the party. Your child didn't make the short list. I wouldn't focus on it or let it get you upset.

I had an IRL friend that this happened to. The moms were close friends, babysat each other's kids, etc. Other mom's son had a birthday and didn't invite first friend's dd. That mom was really hurt. But just because the moms are friends, and the kids are basically forced to play together because the adults set it up that way - doesn't mean that the kids would be friends on their own. Not everyone clicks with everyone. Even if they do, you can't ask everyone you know to the party. It wasn't a snub.