Birthday party snub - WWYD? - Page 2

[oliversmum2000]

Originally Posted by Twocoolboys

GREAT advice! I wish the mom that called and was nasty to me because her son didn't get an invite to my ds's b-day party understood this.

i guess ou can see it from the other perspective having been on the receiving end

i guess i was hurt and embarrassed and felt a little, used i guess, good enough to enjoy my hospitality - regularly but not good enough to migle with her real friends

[Twocoolboys]

oliversmum - Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if the mom and her son showed up at my door during the party. I would like to think that I would have been kind enough to invite them in, but I don't know if I would have had enough favors and I wouldn't want the boy to not get one if he was there.

I think your situation sounds awful and I can definitely see how you feel the way you do. And, since your ds was only two, I think parties for kids that age tend to be more about the adults getting together anyway, so I understand about you feeling like you weren't one of her "real" friends. My ds was five and it was definitely about him and his friends running around and being crazy five year olds. The other parents didn't even stay.

[ParisAnne]

Originally Posted by Bella's Mama

I am not sure what I would do, but I just want to say... Wow! That just seems SO mean! I don't get some people...

I don't think this is at all mean. It doesn't sound like you were best friends. I totally understand the frustration though.It's irriating to me to have to deal with this stuff already. My dd is 4 1/2 and in her second year of preschool.

This reminds me of a recent situation. My dd has a friend she went to school with last year and til recently took jazz class with. Some weeks after class we'd go over to their house. But that started happening less and less, and her mom hasn't called us since class ended (it's been over a month now). So my best friend was at the park the other day and recognized the little girl from Patyon's party last year. She called and we were talking and it turns out she was on a playdate at the park with another little girl they went to school with together. Kind of hurt that she hasn't bothered to call us. Though personally I wouldn't have wanted to hang out with the other mom and little girl as I really don't care for them, so I guess it's for the best, but I was rather hurt.

I personally get irritated with the people that feel the need to throw a party with 20 kids, or invite the entire class. Their child probably isn't friends with all those kids and you know they are going to focus on their few best friends most of the party. My dd was invited to one of those parties and I knew she wasn't friends with this little girl. She's little miss I like everybody and want everyone to like me, so she just had to go to it. I've read a good rule for bday parties when they are younger is their age plus one. I wanted to only have about 6 kids at her bday party last year, but it ended up being more like 9. It's hard to tell her no to so many people.

This year her party is already planned for Little Gym (won it at an auction cheap) I think they allow up to 20 for a party w/out extra cost, but I'm going to keep it to 10 kids. I don't think parents should all expect just b/c your child came to theirs that you will invite them. That might get a little chaotic.

[mommy68]

I wouldn't say anything if I were you. It's hard but I really wouldn't.

I have a very similar story. I also had this happen to my child last year. We had a friend that we had known for almost 6 years and her youngest daughter was turning 4 and our daughter was 3 at that time. These people are part of a small group from church that gets together and we all have children around the same age. Anyway, I was at church one Sunday after her birthday and heard the mom of this 4 yr old girl laughing with another mom (also my friend) about how much fun her 4 yr old daughter and son AND grandmother had with all of them at her party the day before. In fact, she went on and on about inviting all the kids in their neighborhood. I was crushed. Ofcourse my daughter has no idea she was left out but these were people we saw several times a week back then.

This is what I did..... our daughter's birthday was the next month and guess what I did, yep, I invited her daughter to our daughter's party. YES! I totally did it to make her feel bad and I really hope she did. We are no longer friends at this point since we stopped going to that church earlier this year but my bet was that she wasn't going to invite our daughter this year either. :

Time will take it away. It will be a very distant memory very soon. Please try not to let it worry you or make you feel bad. I did that last year and it tore me up trying to figure out why my child wasn't good enough to be there but everyone else she knew was AND that they all threw it up in my face the very next day at church.

I just totally do not understand some people.

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by ParisAnne

I personally get irritated with the people that feel the need to throw a party with 20 kids, or invite the entire class. Their child probably isn't friends with all those kids and you know they are going to focus on their few best friends most of the party.

Wow, I'm surprised by this line of thinking, even though I shouldn't be. When my DS was in public school, the rule for the entire school was, if you are going to bring invitations to class, you had to invite the entire class OR all the boys or all the girls...that was to avoid hurt feelings and the popularity cliques. I thought this was a wonderful idea. In the end, some parties only have 8 kids at them and some had 15 but at least everyone was invited.

We have always had large birthday parties, because we have always been very social and because we haven't wanted to pick and choose. Sometimes my birthday child doesn't get to play with every child but we usually have long enough parties (4 hours) that they really do spend some time with each one. And if they don't spend time with them, then my other child will, not to mention all of the other children. I always make sure to have group activities, games and crafts, so there is plenty of ways for all the children to interact and have a wonderful time. Yes, it is probably chaotic but memorable, I have had so many, many children and parents tell us that the kids talked about the party constantly for days after, which simply makes me happy.

Then again, even if we have a family dinner, I like to make sure that everyone is entertained, happy, well-fed and content and hopefully they all go away saying what pleasant hosts we are, so it makes sense that this would roll over into child's parties.

Originally Posted by ParisAnne

My dd was invited to one of those parties and I knew she wasn't friends with this little girl. She's little miss I like everybody and want everyone to like me, so she just had to go to it. I've read a good rule for bday parties when they are younger is their age plus one. I wanted to only have about 6 kids at her bday party last year, but it ended up being more like 9. It's hard to tell her no to so many people.

It's great that this works for others, but there is just no way that I could give my child a limit and stick with it, as there would be SOMEONE left out, no matter what. I remember having a sleepover birthday party once as a child and my mother told me that I could only invite 3 children BUT I had 4 best friends and it was horrible, I couldn't convince her otherwise no matter how hard I tried. Well, indeed that 4th friend ended up being very hurt and stopped being my friend. It caused all sorts of trauma in my 10 year old life and in our social clique, really unnecessarily, in my opinion. I can't stop every trauma in my children's lives but I can avoid that exact one from happening.

Originally Posted by ParisAnne

This year her party is already planned for Little Gym (won it at an auction cheap) I think they allow up to 20 for a party w/out extra cost, but I'm going to keep it to 10 kids. I don't think parents should all expect just b/c your child came to theirs that you will invite them. That might get a little chaotic.

Well, I'll tell you one thing, My Gym is going to have 4 or 5 adults working that party, in addition to any parents that are there, yeah, like 1 adult working to entertain 2 kids. We had a My Gym party a while back and it was the least chaotic party we've ever had and there were 20 kids... My Gym is great at entertaining the children so that the parents can relax and mingle. Enjoy your party!

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

My son doesn't know about it but *I'm* feeling pretty hurt. I know that DS is not going to be invited to everyone's birthday party and we didn't invite everyone to his but I *thought* that he would have been invited to S's party.

I totally understand, I would have been hurt, too. But indeed, there is no point mentioning it to her, unless for some weird reason, she ever brings it up. Recently, we saw a friend & her daughter and we have always been invited to her parties (one is coming up soon) and we are inviting her to our daughter's party then the friend mentioned that they were just having a small party for the daughter, a sleepover and I totally understood and wasn't hurt at all that we weren't invited, because I know how hard it would be to limit guests to just 3! But when someone you spend much time with has a large party and doesn't invite you, that seems much more hurtful, even if that isn't rational at all and perhaps even a little silly.

Regardless, she's moving away so let the hurt go, laugh it off if you can and wish them well in their new home.

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by RiverSky

I totally understand, I would have been hurt, too. But indeed, there is no point mentioning it to her, unless for some weird reason, she ever brings it up. Recently, we saw a friend & her daughter and we have always been invited to her parties (one is coming up soon) and we are inviting her to our daughter's party then the friend mentioned that they were just having a small party for the daughter, a sleepover and I totally understood and wasn't hurt at all that we weren't invited, because I know how hard it would be to limit guests to just 3! But when someone you spend much time with has a large party and doesn't invite you, that seems much more hurtful, even if that isn't rational at all and perhaps even a little silly.

Regardless, she's moving away so let the hurt go, laugh it off if you can and wish them well in their new home.

Actually, it was a pretty small party (which I know because I ended up driving past her house to take DS to taekwondo during the party and they were out front. Not on purpose, that's just the way we go.) You know, I think I would have felt better about this if she had told me about it like your friend did.

I had asked her on Thursday if they had any big plans for Memorial Day weekend and she said "Nope, we're not doing anything." So she basically lied to me and I think that's a big part of why this bothers me. Because really the party wasn't a big deal. It was just a couple kids who DS sees quite often at the park, pool, etc. It's not like the whole class was there except for him or something.

I think if I'm ever in this situation of not inviting one of my friend's kids to a party, I'm going to tell her and not let her find out about it from someone else.

[Alkenny]

Maybe she didn't purposely lie to you. When people ask me if I have Memorial Day plans (or weekend plans), I tend to think of THAT DAY in and of itself. Maybe she doesn't have plans today/Monday?

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

I had asked her on Thursday if they had any big plans for Memorial Day weekend and she said "Nope, we're not doing anything." So she basically lied to me and I think that's a big part of why this bothers me. Because really the party wasn't a big deal. It was just a couple kids who DS sees quite often at the park, pool, etc. It's not like the whole class was there except for him or something.

I think if I'm ever in this situation of not inviting one of my friend's kids to a party, I'm going to tell her and not let her find out about it from someone else.

I still feel bad for you. Having been through something VERY similar I feel the same way you do about things. Anyway, it's probably best to let people know when you can't include their children in parties and such. That's what I will do from now on. : I won't intentionally leave someone out and not give them some kind of explanation for it.

The friend that didn't invite my youngest child to her child's party ALSO lied about other things. An ex: once she lied and told me her daughter wore a size 11 shoe when her feet were only a size 7 1/2. Why on earth did she feel the need to lie about her child's shoe size to me?? I only knew what size her daughter wore because we were doing an activity that day where she needed to take her shoes off and the size was in plain view inside the shoe. I no longer keep in touch with this woman. I think she was just a habitual liar and really didn't mean to hurt anyone by it. But it got on my nerves anyway.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Alkenny

Maybe she didn't purposely lie to you. When people ask me if I have Memorial Day plans (or weekend plans), I tend to think of THAT DAY in and of itself. Maybe she doesn't have plans today/Monday?

or she may have been embarrassed to say they weren't going anywhere special like the beach or something?

Although - I'll play devil's advocate and say that is STILL no reason to blatantly lie to you about it when she did obviously do "something" that day. If you ARE considered someone she respects why lie to you. She should know that you could care less about judging her for staying home on a holiday if you are truly her friend. So who knows.