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Please help me understand something... - Page 3

post #41 of 97
Pregnancy and birth are more than a physical happening. It is much greater than some imagined list of horrible symptoms. I can say this - while I have experienced none of the self urination and non-stop vomiting I would pee myself everyday for the rest of my life to have the opportunity to share my life with my children. I would vomit for them gladly because they are not "dealing with problems", they're not the products of gestational constipation but good, bright, curious people. As were we all.

I wonder why the women who bore the children in the original posters family - mother, grandmothers and so on - I wonder why the "did this to their bodies and their lives". I hope the original poster can see some value in her own life, in her contribution and those of her family, of anyone who has ever been born.

With that said, I am very pro-choice and I don't believe a woman who does not wish to have children or a particular child do so regardless of what the partner feels. I hope only that the original poster, if her choice is abortion, goes ahead with it quickly. I will never understand what it means to be in her position for many reasons but by the time I am 45 I will have been a mother for more than half of my life. It is what I know and most beautiful thing. I wish her only the best, no judgements.
post #42 of 97
Wow, everybody have written such beautiful responses, perhaps I could add my own.

I did not want to get pregnant either. I was terrified of the thought of labor, and the thought of having this tiny thing totally dependant on me. Whenever I would show symptoms of pregnancy, I would go through denial, because I so badly did not want to know if I was.

At the insistance of my husband (after mood swings he could barely handle, i.e. i broke up his credit card, not letting anything come within 3 feet of my breasts because they were so sore, and an impending period that never came) who went out and bought a pregnancy test for me, I took it just to humor him. I was so irritated by the notion that he could even think I was pregnant.

When I saw those 2 little lines, I had a panic attack. I could not breath, it had the be the worst moment of my life. I ran to my husband, who at my hollering thought somebody had broken into the house and was trying to attack me or something. I was shaking all over and crying. I have never felt like that before. He had to reassure me that everything was going to be alright.


Then the sickness came. I was throwing up constantly. It was horrible. Everyone assured me that it would only be for the first few months, and then it would get better. It didn't. I threw up off an on during my entire pregnancy.

I had incredible intense cravings. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I developed high sugar, and could not even act on my intense cravings. I was sick, big, hungry, i wanted CHOCOLATE and couldn't have it. I had heartburn. I was miserable. I was having premature contractions whenever I stood up to long, that would leave me doubled over. I could not get comfortable during sleeping, and I could not handle the smell of anything. Since my sugar was high, I could never get enough to drink. I could not have my orange juice that I craved (too many carbs, sent my sugar through the roof) and I could not have my caffeine because my baby would be turning constant summersalts in my belly.

I was so disconnected with my baby. I wanted it to all be over with. I was just pretty much going through the motions of pregnancy. I did not even buy very much for him during pregnancy because I was so disconnected. It did not seem real to me.

During labor in the hospital, I felt so subdued. The waves of pain would come over me, and I just did feel like I wanted to die. I was afraid of pain, and ended up getting an epidural because I was so afraid and so nervous that i was not dialating. I would dialate at home, and as soon as I got to the hospital with my midwife, I would stop. Birthing at home was not an option for me at the time.

I was sleepy when they gave me my epidural, I didn't care. They told me they could see the head, I didn't care. They put a mirror up so I could see. I watched the head come more and more. And then all of a sudden, they told me to stop pushing, then they told told me to take his shoulders and pull him out.

One look at that little pug face, and I was crying tears of joy. One look at him, and I realized that I would go through all of it all over again.

Feeling him latch onto my breast. Seeing him nestled in my husband's arms, seeing his first smile. Seeing him take his first wobbly steps.

Parenting comes so natural to me.

And after all of that, know what? when my monkey turns 5, we will be starting on number 2.
post #43 of 97
I want to thank you women for the beautiful, beautiful words that you have written here. I really hope the OP comes back to read them. I feel so sorry for you OP. Babies are SO wonderful.
Please, please don't abort your baby. I will adopt it for you. Your child deserves to live. It doesn't need to die just because you don't want it. I want it & I know of lots of people who do.
Think of your SO. How is it fair to him to not even tell him about his child?
There is an organization called Rachel's Vineyard (rachelsvineyard.org) that offers healing retreats after abortions.

"Rachel's Vineyard is a safe place to renew, rebuild and redeem hearts broken by abortion. Weekend retreats offer you a supportive, confidential and non-judgmental environment where women and men can express, release and reconcile painful post-abortive emotions to begin the process of restoration, renewal and healing.

Rachel's Vineyard can help you find your inner voice. It can help you experience God's love and compassion on a profound level. It creates a place where men and women can share, often for the first time, their deepest feelings about abortion. You are allowed to dismantle troubling secrets in an environment of emotional and spiritual safety..'



Please consider contacting them as you are probably enduring trauma from your first abortion whether you know it or not. It is probably effecting how you feel about this baby.

Please don't think I am judging you. I would just like to help you.


Thank you again for the beautiful affirmations about motherhood.
post #44 of 97
:

Everyone has said such eloquent things, I'm not sure I have much to add... But I'll try

My twins were a bit of a surprise pregnancy. And although I'm pretty left-wing, I couldn't personally have an abortion, just couldn't do it. Never thought of it.

I was a little scared -- I'd never been around babies, wasn't sure I liked babies, and hated how everyone coo'ed and talked weirdly to babies, ya know? I didn't want to talk like that to MY kids.

But from the moment I learned of my pregnancy, I felt like a mother. And it was just something I felt and wanted, deeply.

I think it's a bit strange that ALL your college friends had bad experiences with pregnancy/labor/delivery to the point where they all had only children. How many women are you talking about? 2 or 3 is not a majority of humanity.

I puked through my first trimester with my twins, and another pregnancy 2 years later, I have never peed myself (the women I know who do that had episiotomies; I didn't), and the pain of labor sucked but it was 10 hours out of my 27 years, so it's barely a blip on the radar. I look forward to having more.

I think it's good to realize that being a mother just isn't for you. I'd suggest you get your tubes tied or do some other type of permanent birth control.
post #45 of 97
Thread Starter 
I received your private messages in my email account. As you suggested, I did review all the postings. I don't frequent forums of this nature--I'm not a big internet user--so I am not familiar with troll. Nevertheless, thank you for both your private and posted comments. I appreciate your insight.
post #46 of 97
i was not a huge oh i want to be a mother myself.... i am glad i had kids tho.
it sometimes makes my life suck- but the payoffs are worth it to me.
i do not think you will pee yourself the rest of your life btw.
sometimes things are placed in front of us for a reason.
at 45 i do not know what i would do....
do you realy never want to be called mother?


wow. mothering- good mothering takes maturity. lots of times it comes after the baby.
would adoption be an option for you? how far along are you?
good luck to you.
post #47 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilie
i do not think you will pee yourself the rest of your life btw.
Yes, that is a point worth talking about.

Pregnancy. It won't last the rest of your life. Birth, however painful and the pushing, however difficult, will also not last forever. It will be over almost before you turn around and hop a stick.

If the op, does indeed proceed with pregnancy and decide to have and keep the child, even if she has the worst most miserable pregnancy possible, or even an emergency c-section, will come to look with fondness, and even miss her pregnancy. She may possibly miss the "push-of-war" moments she had while daydreaming lazily, or talking on the phone, etc, and pushing her baby's little unknown body parts through her tummy, as her fetus pushes back. She may miss the days where she lied awake in bed, unable to sleep, perhaps because of pregnancy gas, or other (we all know what that's like! ), while carressing her new small bulge in her tummy, feeling the little light taps and light brushes as her tiny itty bitty fetus tumbles and summer-salts underneath her hand.


She may possibly come to miss how beautifully womanly and feminine, and powerful she felt and looked as she looks had her naked body swollen with child in the mirror right after a shower. She may miss the challenge of trying to dress her pregnant body. She may miss the respect she recieves from strangers trying to accomodate her by holding the door, etc, in malls and stores.

Even months/years after birth, she may miss the power and rush of adrenaline she felt the moment she delivered her child. The anticipation, the excitement. I know she would miss the feeling of her newborn, wet with afterbirth, is placed on her body, and the first time she looks into it's little face.

These are things to be cherished, things that only last for a few seconds in the least, to a few moments, to a few months at most. Then it's over. All too soon, your child will be an adult. And all of these "horrible" anticipations about pregnancy and birth will be a thing of a long past memory.
post #48 of 97
This is you trying to understand?

Could have fooled me.

Get the abortion, do what you wish. Only you know what's best for you. But don't come here comparing our lifestyle to that of the Keebler freaking Elves.
:

-Kelly (who didn't piss herself, vomit once--let alone for months on end--or deal with labor)
post #49 of 97
there's no good reason for having a baby besides wanting to and knowing you have love to give to it. if you aren't a loving or caring person, forget it. I'm not saying you're not, I don't know you.

most people have two or more children based on national averages, and worldwide it's even more, so that tells you your friends are in the minority. I suspect they aren't very good parents, and aren't good examples of people to ask about parenting. just because what they say is true *for them* doesn't make it true for me, or you, or the majority of parents. far from it. sure, not everything is rosy and perfect and an episode of leave it to beaver. but labor, and pregnancy, are normal, natural functions of a female body, and while parts of it are uncomfortable and even painful, it's worth it to someone who actually wants a kid.

do you remember being a child? (I'm not being sarcastic. some people either have very fuzzy memories of childhood or have blocked it out because it was traumatic) I suspect people who don't understand the reason for having a child either had a bad childhood, dysfunctional relationship to one or more parents, and/or have not spent any substantial amount of time around children or infants. The opportunity to actually raise a human being, contributing to their personality, is a huge responsibility and honor in my opinion.

another draw for most people is having a little family, going to the beach, cookouts, birthday parties, sharing holidays and special events together. most people find it fun to watch their kids play and help teach them how to do things, like ride bikes, swim, read, etc. as a parent you get a feeling of accomplishment when you have put time and work into your child and get a reward such as the above. if those things aren't appealing, then having a kid isn't a good idea.

you're right; it is about perspective. if your perspective is that having kids is something that's brainwashed into people, that they do without reason, that they don't truly enjoy and are lying when they say they do OR are delusional about it, that pregnancy and childbirth are gross and not worth the pain, then okay, you're entitled to that belief- please don't bring a human into the world who has to bear the burden of trying to prove to you that they are good enough to have been worth it.

but consider that all animals reproduce, and that the human animal is special above and beyond any other on this planet, and that billions of people who have chosen to have more than one child, who love their children more that life itself, who have dealt with the pain and the inconveniences and still want more kids, probably aren't wrong. having a child should be the greatest joy of a parent's life. when it's not, it's the saddest thing in the world. I knew that when I was a child, and I know that now that I'm a mother.

and I've never peed myself, either. swear to God.
post #50 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by gabysmom617
Yes, that is a point worth talking about.

Pregnancy. It won't last the rest of your life. Birth, however painful and the pushing, however difficult, will also not last forever. It will be over almost before you turn around and hop a stick.

If the op, does indeed proceed with pregnancy and decide to have and keep the child, even if she has the worst most miserable pregnancy possible, or even an emergency c-section, will come to look with fondness, and even miss her pregnancy. She may possibly miss the "push-of-war" moments she had while daydreaming lazily, or talking on the phone, etc, and pushing her baby's little unknown body parts through her tummy, as her fetus pushes back. She may miss the days where she lied awake in bed, unable to sleep, perhaps because of pregnancy gas, or other (we all know what that's like! ), while carressing her new small bulge in her tummy, feeling the little light taps and light brushes as her tiny itty bitty fetus tumbles and summer-salts underneath her hand.


She may possibly come to miss how beautifully womanly and feminine, and powerful she felt and looked as she looks had her naked body swollen with child in the mirror right after a shower. She may miss the challenge of trying to dress her pregnant body. She may miss the respect she recieves from strangers trying to accomodate her by holding the door, etc, in malls and stores.

Even months/years after birth, she may miss the power and rush of adrenaline she felt the moment she delivered her child. The anticipation, the excitement. I know she would miss the feeling of her newborn, wet with afterbirth, is placed on her body, and the first time she looks into it's little face.

These are things to be cherished, things that only last for a few seconds in the least, to a few moments, to a few months at most. Then it's over. All too soon, your child will be an adult. And all of these "horrible" anticipations about pregnancy and birth will be a thing of a long past memory.

Ahhhh man!! Now I wanna e pregnant again!!!! That was beautiful and so very very true!!
post #51 of 97
Thread Starter 

Thank you

With the exception of Kelly and the troll person, this has been a very useful forum. Much thought has been generated, and I am printing it off to take to talk over with a very supportive and non-judgemental friend. I have to figure out what to do soon, so your perspectives are of use. Yes, it clearly is about perspective.
post #52 of 97
im sure your mother didn't think the way you do.

i too never thought of having children when i was younger...it was never my goal in life. but now i realize that its the best thing in life i have done, and thats after several college degrees and a professional career. nothing ranks the same as my children do and the thought of not having them is devastating. of course, prior to their birth, i never thought that without them i would be less than a woman (i was told when i was 17 that i would never have children).

having said all this, if you dont want children but are pregnant, the best thing you can do for a the child is to give it up for adoption. you can terminate it if you want, but it woudl be nice to at least give it life and allow it to make its own way in the world. im not anti-choice, but you seem to be in a position where that would be possible. and i don't think its right to terminate simply out of convenience...its such a waste of life.

good luck to you.
post #53 of 97
I am glad you are getting benefits of the answers you've gotten here, and hope that you make the decision that is right for you, and brings you peace.

I personally am single, and desperately want to be a mother. I never liked kids or babies much until I started working daycare to earn money during college. There's nothing quite like seeing a little one's face light up when you come into the room, or rocking a not-quite-asleep baby as they gaze drowsily into your face, sharing something you enjoy with someone brand-new who thinks everything you do is amazing, teaching someone something new, or knowing that years down the road you had a hand in shaping this wonderful person. The absolute TRUST that children give - it's both awe inspiring and a huge responsibility. I look forward to pregnancy, feeling the first movements of a new little creature, wondering what he or she will look like and what kind of personality he or she will have. I want to see how my body changes. I look forward to labor - I expect it will hurt, and challenge me tremendously, but it will me a chance for me, plain old ME, to participate in a miracle.

I look forward to loving this little person more than I knew I ever could. I know there will be bad days, inconveniences, pain, messes, times I'll wish I could just walk out the door, but I know that in the end, it will all be worth it. I look forward to being a mother, and a grandmother, and knowing that the things I did in creating and raising this child will carry on and on.

I also have other, more frivolous reasons - to buy cute kid clothes, take my child to Walt Disney World, share favorite books from my childhood, give my child experiences I never got to have.

If your friends experiences were the norm, no one would ever have more than one child. That is obviously not the case!

And I don't know anyone who's ever peed themselves forever because of pregnancy. My mom has some bladder control issues apparently related to menopause, but not pregnancy (and she had 3 kids, all by C though).
post #54 of 97

You should ask them if they gave birth in a hospital.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ACesPlace
Hmmm...it's good to know that you all had these great birth experiences, but I don't know anyone personally who has had anything remotely as wonderful as you all project. To a person, none of my friends from college who have a child would do it again. To A Person. They all had such a bad experience it wasn't worth it. One of them has a PTSD problem to this day and was suicidal afterwards. Another one has permanent sciatica, and they all have peed themselves. Hmmm..that kind of labor I can't handle, and frankly, I am not doing that to my body. I attended one labor in my lifetime and I was violently ill. It disgusted me, it really did.

As far as this primal stuff is concerned, to each her own and all, but I am not a granola-eating earth mother type. That's one of the reasons I think this gig is not for me. I have about as much belief in this primal woman business as I do the the Keebler elves.

I think maybe it's my lack of connection with the the caregiving and bonding stuff of little kids who don't reciprocate in a way I seem to understand, coupled with primal woman business that doesn't appeal to me, that makes it just not my gig.

Maybe I just don't get it. That's what I am starting to think. There must be a connection mechanism that isn't there for me. Hmmm...
Generally, when mothers are asked about their birth experiences, you will observe that those who birth naturally (without drugs or medical interventions or procedures, whether in the hospital, at home or at a birthing center) admit theirs was a positive one while many women who had a drugged or surgical hospital birth say that it was devastating. This is because hospitals have come to use intervention to make more money instead of only when they are needed. I have done some research on this and come to know the following, which may surprise you:

Only 5% of women need C-sections, according to research. The current going rate for them in America is 1 out of 3 women. The C-section presents a cascade of problems for mothers and babies, many of them not evident until after birth.

Effects on epidurals---drugs taken for only a few hours of pain relief during labor and administered through the spinal cord---can result in the following:

Prolonged spinal headache for days following delivery
Permanent numbness from the waist down or partial numbness in one leg or the other
1 out of 5 women do not experience pain relief from the drug
The epidural never completely eliminates the pain---it is useful sometimes in mothers without the ability to relax and work with their labor.

I could go on, but I think at this point, I will say that you must realize that any choice you make now you will feel for the rest of your life. If you terminate your pregnancy, you may have feelings of loss and regret that will plague you for the rest of your life. In my experience with birth using the Bradley method, even though it lasted 48 hours and it was arduous, I would do it again simply for the incomprehensible joy of seeing my new baby's face and loving him. There is nothing like the love you experience for your own child after birth.
Also, abortion can cause life-threatening effects on the mother, including hemorrhage and hysterectomy---it sometimes results in death. It is always excruciatingly painful, and it is not the type of pain you can manage, unlike childbirth pain, which is a tightening of the uterus that comes on gradually and can be managed without drugs.
I feel you owe it to the young one living in you to give him or her a chance to see the world. Right now, he likely has fingernails, eyelashes and toenails and may just be starting to suck his thumb. He would certainly feel the pain of having his limbs ripped apart from a suction abortion or the burn of acid from a chemical abortion. Go through birth and, if after seeing him, you decide it will be too much for you, give him up for adoption. Life is precious, even at such a young age. Good luck to you and check out www.bradleybirth.com for birthing method classes and get the book Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way by Susan McCutcheon---this method has a 90% return rate for drug-free labors.
post #55 of 97
Hello. I am yet another woman who did not vomit or pee herself during or after pregnancy.

But mostly, this is why I'm responding. Are you asking just as a general question, to pass the time? Or is there a small part of you somewhere that might, just maybe, want to see the love you have for this man reflected in a child? You obviously care about him enough to worry that he'll be upset when you abort his and your child. Perhaps you should think about this a little more deeply.

I had no pain during childbirth. I used hypnobirthing, had an active birth, and surrounded myself, on purpose, with women who had wonderful birth experiences. Yes, my circle of friends changed...but is change ALWAYS a bad thing? I don't think so. It's just change. The world is changing constantly, and that's how the world goes.

If you're interested in educating yourself, many of us could suggest a plethora of wonderful books to read. And one of the pp's is right. It's not that the women on this board hate doctors. There are actually a couple of really wonderful docs who frequent this board. The FACT is that when a woman finds a practitioner who follows evidence based medicine, and this is mostly, but not always a midwife, they not only have a better experience emotionally and physically, but it is generally a safer birth for both mother and baby. The correlation here is causitive. OB's are surgeons trained in the science of the things that go WRONG with birth and how to fix those problems. They are not trained in normal and healthy pregnancy and birth, and that they should be left alone, to develop how the mom's body and the baby will it to happen. This really is scientific fact. If you're interested, again, there will be plenty of people, including myself, willing to help you find the information for yourself.

So, really, birth could be empowering for you, if you chose the right attendant, educated yourself about what was going to happen to you, your baby, and your body (and not the procedures, but the actual physiology) during labor and birth. And I highly suggest that, if you choose not to abort this little miracle (and with faithfully following birth control, that's basically what this child is), you find a doula to attend you as well as a midwife, during your birth. A doula in attendance makes it significantly more likely that you will come through birth without negative effects...she makes it less likely that you'll need forceps, episiotomy, narcotics (which make it harder for you to deal with what's happening in labor), epidural (which has a HOST of negative side effects that are really never told to you before you get it...and those side effects are a slippery slope that can send you down into a nightmare). She makes it significantly less likely that you'll suffer from post partum depression and/or ptsd. She makes it significantly more likely that you'll bond well with your newborn child and that you will breastfeed successfully if that's what you choose to do. There are definately ways that you can choose to make your birth experience better than those of your friends who have children have had. It is only in the knowing that we are able to improve our lot...they may simply not have known better. It is the birth culture in the United States that causes so many horrific birth experiences (and I've heard some doozies, I'm a doula...most of my clients seek me for second births because the first ones were so awful), NOT the nature of birth!

I will repeat that I experienced no pain during my childbirth. I have had both impacted wisdom teeth and a shattered ankle, and I would choose an educated and calmly attended childbirth in a millisecond over the other two choices without a second thought.

Why do I want children? I was a nanny before I had my own. I worked for eighteen years for women who wanted the status that children brought them, but didn't want the responsiblility of caring for them. I say this without meaning to insult anybody, I actually had several of the mothers mention this to me. They were all rich and established, and didn't need children to fulfill them. I certainly didn't need the "experience" of childrearing to fulfill me. I'd raised several children sucessfully (on to wonderful colleges...ivy league, even, and kind, good people) by the time I had my own. I do, however gain such insight in watching a child, of any age, learn something new. I am thankful for the chance to have a pair of arms that belong to a child that I grew within my own body...what a miracle, and nourished after thier birth with the milk from my own body, wrap around my neck for a snuggle. I rejoiced the first time I heard both of my children say that they loved me. Not becased I am loved, but because they have been taught the capacity to love...what an amazing thing!

Childbearing and childrearing really is a thing that goes beyond the self. Maybe this is the universe's way of telling you that it's time to grow beyond yourself? To challenge yourself to grow in a way that you never thought possible? Not every woman who has a child has to be either crunchy or absent from the child's life. I also worked for a couple of families that HAD to have both parents working. The moms loved the children but couldn't be with them during the day. They made the most of the time they had in the evenings and during the weekends, and made sure that they had a quality, well educated, caregiver, who they knew would bond with and give top notch care to their children.

You could also carry the child, and have it adopted. Yes, I know, a selfless act. But as much as you may not want the child, there are thousands of couples waiting for the phone to ring to tell them that they are going to be adoptive parents! What a miracle that would be. You could save the life of your child and make the yearnings and dreams of a couple come true, too. Just a thought. A long shot, I know. Coming from somebody who donated bone marrow to a man who had less than a 5% chance of survival, though, I somewhat understand the perspective. I underwent surgery and six weeks of painful recouperation so that a man could have a waaayyyy long-shot at survival. Know what? He lived. Sometimes, things happen for a reason.

Maybe this happened for a reason. Whatever that reason may be, whether it's to grow beyond yourself, or that the child is meant to be a scientist who discovers the cure for Lou Gherig's disease, or that a couple who desperately wants to see their love for one another reflected in the life of a child can actually see this happen...maybe there's a reason. And you can grow beyond the fear into reality. Reality is never as bad as what you've imagined it to be!

Blessings in your decision, whatever it may be.
post #56 of 97
i'm not sure how to respond. i've thought about it for a while, and i guess it just boils down to some sort of faith for me. it must, because i can't *quite* put my finger on why it's so deeply beautiful for me to look at my children.

it's not because i am responsible for helping to guide them safely through their destinies

it's not because they look like a combination of myself and my husband

it's not because i get to re-experience the small joys in life through their eyes

it's not because there is nothing like a hug from a little child

it's not because they love me fiercely and without hesitation

it's not because i love them fiercely and without hesitation

it's not because i'm ensuring that my "legacy" will live on

it's not because of any of that. they're all true, but it hardly seems even respectful to the sacredness of the bond i have with my children to make a list like that. as a mother, i just plain old can't tell you *why* it's the most amazing thing i've ever done or will ever do. because it encompasses me. it's like asking why there's air. why there is night. and, i suppose, why there is God. does it help me to know *why* i had kids? not really. and i'm sorry that i can't really explain it to you, because i do believe that you want to know. i believe that you want to be struck with the same fierce passion for your potential fetus that we've had for ours. maybe you won't, but believe me if you do - it'll just happen. it will likely hit you suddenly and...well...fiercely.

it is a valid choice to have no children, of course. but i think that the answers you're looking for cannot really come from any of us. nor can they come from the friends you speak of who have regrets. they have to come from you.

but you asked here...so i'm trying to offer you some semblance of an answer, and i know that i'm rambling. i suppose i thought that something brilliant would hit me mid-post and just leave you astounded and hugging your belly. because i know how amazing motherhood is and i know how deeply it has changed me. but maybe you don't want to be changed. change is scary. and it isn't always pretty. and pain sucks. but sometimes, pain is worth it.

i don't know if you are a spiritual person or if you believe in God. so maybe what i'm about to say will fall on you like a dead weight. but nonetheless, i suppose i think that one of the millions of reasons that i wanted to be a mother was so that for one instant, i could be God's assistant in the creation of a life. i know you don't believe in the primal 'mumbo jumbo', and of course that's your right. but it is something that i experienced and it knocked me to my knees. where there was once one life, then there were two. two human souls occupied the same space. i suddenly had two hearts beating within me...and i guess i just don't think that any list of "reasons" could ever adequately express what it is to be a mother. to bear a child.

i wish you peace with your decision. for the sake of the life that might be stirring within your womb, i pray that you'll find a spark of longing to bring that life to the world. and if you do, you'll have an entire community here to offer support.
post #57 of 97
Why did I want children? I never had any particular desire for children early on, but as I really approached that childbearing time, I wanted them in the theoretical because of the value I place on family. My parents, grandparents, sister, cousins, aunts, uncles, neices... they're just central to what I think is important in life. Being surrounded by you family - what a beautiful and aggravating thing. The history, the commonality, the closesness, the suuport, marking all life's major milestones with each other. I value it. And I guess having kids is all part of having and perpetuating family.
Now, that's all in the theoretical. In the pratical, I had a hard time coming to grips with actually having to be responsible for, and the primary caretaker of, a small, slimy, incomprehensible creature. That cries. And stays that way for an inconcievably long time. And then potentially only gets more annoying. The idea of really having to grow up and place someone else's immediate needs above my own was just scary, ha. My husband very much wanted one. I really felt we should just get a new puppy. Well, I inadvertantly became pregnant, and spent the pregnancy pretty ambivalently hoping it would just turn out to be that puppy... sorta looked like one on that ultrasound anway. I'm not hippie, or crunchy, or in tune with mother earth... but unexpectedly birth *was* empowering. And my biggest fear during pregnancy was that I just wasn't going to find a way to learn to love the baby, but it turned out I loved her beyond reckoning at first sight. Which I flatly didn't believe in, lol. I love my daughter more than I thought it was possible to love another human being. It's terrifying, awesome and glorious all at once. I'm pregnant with a second now, which I felt pretty confident I wanted, but now that I'm pregnant, I'm ambivalent all over again. Only with more faith it'll all turn out well =)
Honestly, a year in a cast sounds worse than 9 months of pregnancy, and shattering an ankle is worse that labor and childbirth, and you clearly handled that. It's okay to just not want children. It's a bigger issue to live a life ruled by irrational fears. So for you, it sounds like the real conflict you're having is about the man you're with, and your fear of losing him over a child you just don't want. And maybe this is the sort of issue you do lose him over. But he has a right to know that this is who you are and what you can and cannot handle. The real you, as it were, for better or worse. I'd really discuss it with him. Maybe he's done with children, and isn't really invested in this one. Or maybe he's so interested he'd want to have it, and be willing to raise the baby without you. However things go, my best wishes to you =)

And oh yeah.. never peed myself. It's old age that does that to so many women, rarely childbirth - so you can look forward to that eventuality right along with the breeders
post #58 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by ACesPlace

This is the right board for me, although my presence here might make some others quite uncomfortable. Chin up, I will be gone soon, and then you can all say good riddance!
I wouldn't say that...but I would ask this- why should the child be punished because of your "mistake"....I am 50 and my husband of 4 years and I are trying to conceive. No artificial ingredients. If I can maintain a pg past 3 months, well and good, if not, well, then it wasn't to be. But I would not terminate, just because the child was inconvenient, which in your case seems to be the rationale. That is sad. Labor isn't that bad. Especially if you have the baby at home. Then you could release the baby to someone who wanted a child, and be done with it....you hope. Your body will always know you carried a child, for however many weeks it was there inside ... I hope you let the baby live, and let someone who welcomes children raise him/her.
post #59 of 97
I have nothing else to add except I only vomited once during pregnancy and I'm pretty sure it was food poisining, not baby related (ate some nasty ravioli and it effected dh too) and only peed myself before baby (some jokes just really make me laugh...)
post #60 of 97
Thinking of you....
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