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Please help me understand something... - Page 5

post #81 of 97
I hope we were all able to help you. I hope you have peace in what ever you decide.If you do chose to have your baby, you will learn a bunch about being a parent here at MDC.

Kaitlin
post #82 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dar
I don't want anyone believing that they are aborting a baby who would be unwanted - I want him or her.

dar
I agree,


Every child is a wanted child, if not by the birth parents,
then by some other couple who has a void in their life
that can only be filled by a child.
post #83 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by ACesPlace
I am very serious about this, very serious, this is no joke. Would you please tell me why you would want to have a child? Here's my situation in a nutshell.

I am now in the position where I am going to have to have another termination, which is fine with me, but the father is a great guy and I can't tell him about it. He has two kids, loves them, and will flip out. He agreed that we will not have a child, due to my age, but that was before this took place. He will want it, and I can't handle it. I would rather shoot myself quickly than be pregnant or go through labor. The whole thing makes me sick. I love him and I feel badly for him, though.



Maybe there is something about this I don't understand. I never did understand it, but then again, with the first termination my then-husband didn't want it, either. I didn't think twice about this question. We divorced for reasons other than the termination.

Maybe you can help me understand why you would do this to your bodies and lives. I guess I missed something somewhere.

Good luck to all of you with your pregnancies!:
This is saddest post I have ever read, my heart aches for you.

You are right, there really is something that you don't understand.




You mention how scared you are of pain/suffering: no one ever said that life will be pain free, physical or emotional.
Ironically thought, it is the those things for which we have suffered the most that are the most valuable in our life and that transform us from the very core in our spirit.



I have four wonderful children, and I have puked my way through all the 3 years total of my life that I have spent pregnant, I have surfed the contractions of labour and pushed four beautiful lives into this world, and I would do it all again.




Having children is an investment, not one of the financial kind, but an investment in your life.

Think of this; when you will be old, and you are suffering from an ageing body, who will be there for you? When you are on your death bed, as all of us will be one day, what would you think about your life?

As Antoine de St-Exupery said in "The Little Prince" : "It is the time that you have lost for your rose that makes your rose so important".
post #84 of 97
yeah, you just don't understand and you really shouldn't have kids.

Quote:
why do these people want to have children, be pregnant, deal with the problems, pee themselves for the rest of their lives, vomit for months on end, and then deal with labor?
1. i never wanted children originally BUT...
2. at the time that i got pregnant with my son, i was a pro-ilfe activist, and so i kept him and dealt with pregnancy.... and i realized i LOVED being pregnant, and despite the pain of labor i gladly and joyfully did it again. and if i had the emotional strength + financial resources i honestly wouldn't have minded having LOTS more.
3. i'm offended that you think mothers "pee themselves for the rest of their lives." kegels were invented for a reason, yk. and i haven't peed myself since i was 5 years old.
4. and "vomit for months on end" doesn't happen all that frequently; more often, women deal with a much more mild form of morning sickness, and some don't have any.

you say you don't know any women who would do it again.... well, then i have to say that you're among the wrong crew to be posing this question. i think most women on these forum WOULD do it again. ethically though i believe it is more important to give homes to children who are in the adoption system, which is why i personally chose to get sterilized. but i honestly did love being pregnant, and i loved giving birth, even though it was hard. my daughter's birth was one of the most beautiful, transformational experiences of my liffe.

i can see though that it's not right for you.

i have to ask ~~ if you knew you felt this strongly about never wanting children, why did you keep yourself fertile? why not get your tubes tied? it seems irresponsible to me when you knew you never wanted children, and especially after having already had one abortion....
post #85 of 97
Why did I want children? Wow...that's just such a huge question...

When I was a teenager, I didn't want kids. All my friends used to talk about them, but I wasn't interested. They seemed like such a huge imposition on my life. Then, when I was about 18, I found myself staring at cute kids in the stores and on the street, and thinking, "I want one" all the time. I never really thought about why.

I had a terrific first pregnancy - no morning sickness, no blotches, no weird aches (except once when I got stuck leaned over). My skin glowed...I felt absolutely gorgeous - more beautiful than I ever have before or since. I was hyped about labour, and was in my element. One of my friends called me "the Earth Mother", which was kind of funny, as it was just so NOT me. Another friend noticed that my emotional ups and downs - moodiness - evaporated when I was pregnant. Pregnancy lent me emotional stability and put me on an even keel - I was mellow.

Then, at the end, my son was taken from me by "emergency" c-section. It was horrible - it really was. I woke up drugged, and didn't know where I was or why I was there. Then, on my way to the maternity ward after recovery, they placed my son beside me on the gurney in the hallway...just for a few seconds. There are no words on this earth to explain how I felt when I touched his little cheek and he opened those big eyes and looked at me...he knew who I was, and I'd never felt so totally in love, so committed, so in awe of another human being in my life. That moment was pure and total magic.

I can't really imagine what it feels like to be pregnant with a baby you don't want. After my first, it took me ten years to have another one...monthly heartbreak when I had a period...hours and hours of tears with each of my three miscarriages...then, finally I had my daughter, and now I know what a miracle really is. I'd almost given up, and there she was - another baby to fall in love with at first sight. Then, ds2...a third. I never did have morning sickness, and never did have the aches and pains, aside from a mild bout of sciatica at the beginning of my pregnancy with my youngest.

There's pure magic in feeling your baby fall asleep in your arms.

There's no feeling in the world like nursing a baby while it rests its hand on your breast, or holds onto your finger, and stares into your eyes.

There's no...recognition in the world like when your new baby first opens its eyes, and knows you.

Watching them grow and develop as people is a privilege and a joy. Watching those little minds soak up ideas and knowledge is inspiring.

The feeling of belonging to a family - our family...vacations, Christmas morning, rolling around on the floor with kids climbing on me, teaching them ABC's, counting, yoga, cooking, etc., etc., etc., etc. It's...a trip...

I don't know exactly why I wanted children - I think it may have been because I wanted to see the world through their eyes again. I was cynical and somewhat jaded by the time I was 15 (drugs, alcohol, sexual abuse, bullying, etc., etc.), and I think I wanted some of that childhood wonder back. I got it...but I got sooooo much more...

I want one more - four children sounds about right to me...
post #86 of 97
I'm going to step out on a limb here, and really expose myself, ACe.

I have also had a termination many years ago when I was a teenager. It wasn't what I wanted, I was very much coerced into it, and I think about that baby daily, even now, when I have a live babe in my arms. I'm accutely aware of what I gave up, and regret it.

Abortion is something that touches many peoples lives - depending on the statistic you beleive, it's reported that almost half of US women under the age of 45 have had at least one termination. It's a taboo subject, and as a result, many women suffer with the aftermath in silence.

Maybe I'm putting my feelings into your posts, but your prior termination does seem to affect how you feel about children - it did for me, but in the opposite way. Either way, it's not healthy. I saw someone has posted a link to Rachel's Vineyard, a retreat for post abortive women. I have never been on one, but understand it to be of a Christian POV. If this isn't your cup of tea, there are non-biased support groups.

If you so desire, check out www.afterabortion.com or the messageboards that go with it www.passboards.org They don't support abortion, it is not a pro-choice website, nor a pro-life one. It's just support from women who know the hurt.

Good luck with your choice. It's not an easy one, but no one needs to tell you that, I'm sure.
post #87 of 97
well i could say so much but there are a couple of things that I really want to say in regards to the OP's pov.

1.) i love my children. I love being pregnant (sometimes) i don't love giving birth (who does?) but it gets the baby outside.

2.) I don't like other people's children. they are loud and I don't know them and they seem to be alien or monsters. not that they are just that I personally do not like anyone who i am not around a lot.

3.) I seem to remember you saying something about kids not giving anything back...I would like to question teh parenting practices of the parents of the kids who don't show any affection for their parents...my son is almost 15mos and he shows me daily how much he loves me. its precious little compared to the sheer amount of energy (physical, emotional and mental) that motherhood takes out of me but i am a SINGLE mother and so am doing it all alone.

4.) i second also the PP who said what she did about abuse. i never considered this but i never wanted a daughter and perhaps my past abuses is part of that. I don't know I ended up with both boys so its a nonissue.

oh also i'm looking at having my wisdom teeth pulled (4) and cavities filled (4) and i really would prefer to give birth then go through that. even knowing i won't feel anything.
post #88 of 97
i don't generally like other people's children either. shhhh! :
post #89 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by klothos
i don't generally like other people's children either. shhhh! :
i don't know anyone who likes other peoples children. no one i know likes my child. why? because he is MY child and not theirs. *shrugs*
post #90 of 97
Yeah, I've never liked other people's kids either (and I used to be a nanny, scary, I know!).
post #91 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by CalebsMama05
i don't know anyone who likes other peoples children. no one i know likes my child. why? because he is MY child and not theirs. *shrugs*
Everyone likes my son. Really, I'm serious. They do. But maybe it's just his personality that sucks them in.

But yeah, I don't always like other people's children, or often I just don't know what to do with them. But I have no trouble with my own! I do like some other people's children. I teach a 2 year old class at church, and those kids are so much fun to teach. There are some that I really get attached to, and some that I'm just glad they're not my child. :

When I see ill behaved children in a grocery store or something... No, I'm not sucked in by them. For example, I walked into Walmart the other day and saw this 6-7 year old (?) boy HITTING his mother. I mean swinging that arm back and slapping her! I didn't particularly like that child, obviously! And at that age, seems like he should have been taught LONG ago not to hit (even my not quite 2 year old knows better!). I can see why someone would see a child like that and decide they don't want kids. But then I see children who stay with their mom, listen to their mom, help their mom with the groceries, and look very happy and well adjusted - those kids make me want children.
post #92 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by boscopup
When I see ill behaved children in a grocery store or something... No, I'm not sucked in by them. For example, I walked into Walmart the other day and saw this 6-7 year old (?) boy HITTING his mother. I mean swinging that arm back and slapping her! I didn't particularly like that child, obviously! And at that age, seems like he should have been taught LONG ago not to hit (even my not quite 2 year old knows better!). I can see why someone would see a child like that and decide they don't want kids. But then I see children who stay with their mom, listen to their mom, help their mom with the groceries, and look very happy and well adjusted - those kids make me want children.

Yeah, but its sad for them too. Obviously they're so starved for positive attention they're forced to demand attention, even if its negitive. When I see kids like that I'm usually more irritated with their parents. My brothers are like that, crazy, abusive kids. My mom is totally not a parent to them at all... I was raised by my grandmother, thank goodness! There are kids who have higher needs than others and there are kids who have mental issues that cause behavioral problems, but I really don't think there is such a thing as a "bad" child. Just parents who don't meet the child's needs or set proper boundries.
post #93 of 97
nice to know i'm not just a mean person. I really love Caleb and i adore spending time with him but the only other kids i like/can tolerate are the ones that i've spent a lot of time with. maybe because i see them as *people* and I generally am slow to warm up to people. if i spend time with other peoples kids i can get to know them and usually like them.

very interesting.

Vera-my 15month old is learning quickly that hitting is a definate no no. the one i'm having problems with is kicking...he's constantly kicking me during diaper changes. drives me batty!
post #94 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by grace's voice
Yeah, but its sad for them too. Obviously they're so starved for positive attention they're forced to demand attention, even if its negitive. When I see kids like that I'm usually more irritated with their parents. My brothers are like that, crazy, abusive kids. My mom is totally not a parent to them at all... I was raised by my grandmother, thank goodness! There are kids who have higher needs than others and there are kids who have mental issues that cause behavioral problems, but I really don't think there is such a thing as a "bad" child. Just parents who don't meet the child's needs or set proper boundries.
it especially angers me when people's kids act like that and you point out their behavior and they say "oh they are just doing it to get attention" UM HELLO GIVE IT TO THEM!! i just don't get it...

oh sry for hijacking the post
post #95 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by CalebsMama05
i don't love giving birth (who does?)
I do! Well, okay, I could do without the really painful part (about two hours of intense back labor) but the rest of it (speaking of my spontaneous nonmanaged births that took place in privacy) was awesome. And the part where the baby comes down and out and the immediate minutes after birth? I wish I could remember that feeling for the rest of my life. Granted, I had pretty much an ideal birth for me, nobody fooling around with my genitals or ordering me around, no need to feel self-conscious, flooded with endorphins and oxytocin. I would do it again and again and again if I could.

Quote:
2.) they are loud and I don't know them and they seem to be alien
Come to think of it, I feel that way about a lot of adults...

Quote:
I seem to remember you saying something about kids not giving anything back...I would like to question teh parenting practices of the parents of the kids who don't show any affection for their parents...my son is almost 15mos and he shows me daily how much he loves me.
Oh wow, yeah. That is the best thing about being a parent. It's impossible to describe to someone who hasn't been inside it, I mean, how do you describe any emotional experience to someone who hasn't ever been in it? The description is always going to fall far short of the reality. But it's amazingly wonderful. It's been such a huge gift. But yeah, it's not something that just happens. Like any deeply intimate, trusting love relationship, it has to be cultivated.
post #96 of 97
Gosh, now I feel like a weirdo, because I do like most children. And I'm not really a stereotypical lovey-dovey mommy type either.

Of course, I also like most adults, which may also make me odd.
post #97 of 97
I don't dislike most children, I just don't feel anything special about them. That's true, for me, with adults in general, too, though. The difference is that I'm more likely to be able to find some way of making a connection with an adult, because the adult is more likely to be able talk on my level, and have a similar understanding of the world. Children are in such a different place, emotionally, developmentally, mentally... That said, I have even more in common with my children than any adult, because we are so close genetically and I have shared my body with them since they were conceived, and has similar life experiences since they were born. They are like me in many ways, having come from me, so I understand them. We have a deep, visceral connection that I don't have with anyone else. So I am more comfortable and find them more compelling than anyone else.
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