Am I a mean Mom?

[trinity6232000]

I didn't want to hijack the birthday party thread with an issue I
had today.

So the last two years I have passed out invitations to dd's birthday
party on the last day of school, and I invited the whole class. This
year her class is larger and although the cost would be a little much
for me, I still was planning on going ahead with the same plan.
Last night my printer ran out of ink so I was unable to print out the
invites. I thought about it, took it as a sign that I should mail them
out next week.
Today they had a picnic for the last day of school. I volunteered
to help with games. There is a certain little girl in dd's class who
has made it known she isn't a fan of dd's. Dd is unfazed by this.
They were in line for a relay race, and on the same team. They
are in line, waiting their turns, dd is standing behind lg (little girl).
Lg kept turning around and she would push dd and tell her she didn't
want dd on her team. Dd ignored her (one of dd's best qualities).
Since dd was handling it quite well I didn't intervene until it happened
three times and I knelled down and said "lg please don't push dd,
you wouldn't like it if she pushed you. Would you?". To which she
rolled her eyes at me and turned around. She didn't push dd again.

Now as I stood up I thought to myself "Thank God I didn't bring
invitations to school today, cause I do not want that child in my
house".

I'm mean to think such a thing about a little 5yo girl huh?

[Brigianna]

Nope! I wouldn't want her in my house either. It's your dd's party; why should she have to invite someone who antagonizes her?

[RedWine]

I defintely would not invite her. And if her Mom asks, tell her why.

[anhaga]

I definitely wouldn't invite her. I wouldn't feel guilty. A birthday party is a celebration of the special day for someone. Why invite someone who has no desire to help celebrate the birthday child's day?

I'm the "invite 6-or-less-friends" type of mom. I have no desire to host big parties and for my children it gets overwhelming. The only time our parties get big are when we're inviting several families with lots of children. But in that case the parents are there and are friends of mine.

Good luck!

[IansMommy]

Originally Posted by RedWine

I defintely would not invite her. And if her Mom asks, tell her why.

I agree!

[lindberg99]

I wouldn't want to invite her either. And honestly, I can't see why she would want to come if she isn't friends with your DD but who knows, she might come anyway.

But I don't think you should invite the whole class *except* for her. Maybe just have your DD pick out 5 or 10 or whatever number of friends to invite and mail them the invites. Since you've invited the whole class the past few years, you might want to tell the parents who call to RSVP that you couldn't have the whole class this year due to budget restrictions (or whatever) just so they don't inadvertently mention the party to other kids.

[babibelli]

I think you're doing the right thing. After all, its your dd's birthday and it is no fun if someone attends who is giving her a hard time.

[3boysmom]

Are you kidding? Do not invite her - birthdays should be spent celebrating with people you enjoy.

[mommy68]

I wouldn't invite her either. I wouldn't even invite the whole class. I would just invite those children that really get along with your child and are her true friends. Nothing says you have to invite the "whole" class anyway. My oldest is 11 and I got to where he could only invite 4-5 of his closest friends because I just couldn't afford more than that, plus most people don't RSVP and it makes it so complicated when I have to guess on goodie bags in the end.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

But I don't think you should invite the whole class *except* for her.

Oh I wouldn't do that. That would really be mean. I think we'll invite
about 4-5 kids from class, + 2-3 out of school friends. In a class of
22 I think if another parent found out, and they weren't invited they
would understand by the small number of kids from the class. Plus
most of the parents don't socialize together, and school is out, so I
think the odds of them knowing there was a party are slim.

Maybe I should have titled my thread "Am I a mean person" instead
of Mom. I can see how some kids wouldn't like other kids. But to
show it so blatant I was just shocked by the behavior of this lg.
It's the first child I have felt repulsed by. She's 5, I mean she has
to have learned it, I shouldn't be so judgmental of her. My blood
has already boiled on this issue. But watching her push dd part of
me wanted to see dd push back. Thank goodness that isn't dd's
style, and I wouldn't teach her to react like that. But I can't say
I didn't wish it for that moment.

[mamalisa]

It's always hard when you first realize that you don't enjoy all children. Not liking a child made me feel like the worst person ever. Ds has a little friend that drive me nutso. He's a sweet kid, but has an "interesting" personality. Ds of course, adores him

[kama'aina mama]

Good point! I think a huge part of AP and respecting children has to do with acknowledging that they are people, individuals... just like grown ups. We embrace this when it means that we are more comfortable encouraging our daughters to play with trucks if they want to, or helping our sons care for their long hair.... but the next step... that some of them may be individuals we don't much care for and don't want to spend time with.... that's a harder aspect of it.

Gee Trinity... did ya ever think you'd be glad your printer ran out of ink?

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by kama'aina mama

Gee Trinity... did ya ever think you'd be glad your printer ran out of ink?

Exactly Lisa. It is hard to realize that you don't enjoy all children.

And Kama, yeah I am taking the printer being out of ink as a sign.

[MOM2ANSLEY]

Originally Posted by RedWine

I defintely would not invite her. And if her Mom asks, tell her why.

Ditto, and do not feel guilty

[1xmom]

I would probably feel the same ways. Also, my dd is only 6 and I really have no intention on inviting her whole class to her birthday party. Most if not all parents that I have talked to tell me when they do that only 3-4 may show up anyways. Since this was my dd's 1st birthday since being in school and making true friends we did invite 4 of her friends from school, in addition to the family. We just had a small thing at our local pottery place and everyone had a good time.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by 3boysmom

Are you kidding? Do not invite her - birthdays should be spent celebrating with people you enjoy.

But, she would have to invite her if the rest of the class is invited. It would be best to just not invite any of the class at all or just 4 friends or something to keep the costs down and use that as the excuse.

I was thinking more about this. There may be some silly reason this other little girl is mean to her daughter. She may really like her. A lot of bullying is derived from jealousy and people are most likely to bully someone who has something they wish they had. Being mean to the other child just because she is a mean little girl isn't right at all. I've seen cases where kids that dislike eachother actually get older and become friends one day.

[3boysmom]

I believe we do our children a disservice if we teach them that no matter how someone treats us, we still have to let them into our lives. I would certainly not advertise the fact that others were invited in front of the "mean girl" (that would be mean!), but I would encourage my child to spend her time (especially special celebrations) with those that she enjoys and who treat her with kindness and respect.

[KatyMom]

Originally Posted by 3boysmom

I believe we do our children a disservice if we teach them that no matter how someone treats us, we still have to let them into our lives. I would certainly not advertise the fact that others were invited in front of the "mean girl" (that would be mean!), but I would encourage my child to spend her time (especially special celebrations) with those that she enjoys and who treat her with kindness and respect.

Beautifully said, 3boysmom.

I agree with the PP and I wouldn't feel bad about not wanting to invite this child. I hope your dd's party goes smoothly. I know it's hard when their birthdays are at the end of the school year.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by mommy68

I was thinking more about this. There may be some silly reason this other little girl is mean to her daughter. She may really like her. A lot of bullying is derived from jealousy and people are most likely to bully someone who has something they wish they had. Being mean to the other child just because she is a mean little girl isn't right at all. I've seen cases where kids that dislike eachother actually get older and become friends one day.

I'm sure there is a silly reason that lg doesn't like dd. They were in
the same class last year, and although they weren't close, they also
didn't bother one another. This year lg has made it known, to dd
and others (including teachers, one being her Mother) that she isn't
a fan of dd. This wasn't the first encounter with lg, it was just the
first one I got to witness myself.
I've taught dd that it's okay to share her feelings. That not everyone
is going to be nice to us and it's okay to avoid them. Dd's response
was "but she is my friend". My dd is not perfect by any means but
she is very well liked in her class. She is friends with everybody.
For real. Many of the boys have crushes on her and have made their
love known. Lg and several of the other girls dress up for school, have
made fun of dd for playing with the boys, told her she couldn't play
with them on the days she didn't wear a dress, and made fun of her for
wanting to be a firefighter (which is dd's DREAM).

So part of me understands the dynamics between the girls. Especially
since dd is SO unaffected by it, I am sure that drives lg up the wall.

I wasn't really upset about the inviting the whole class when I posted.
I was feeling really low as a human for the feelings I had for this lg when
she pushed my dd 3 times, and her words. I seriously wanted to smack
her back or see dd smack her. I have never felt that emotion toward a
child before. It's been easy to see the good in even the most challenging
of children, but that day I was seeing red. I mean dd's best friend in the
class who is a CHALLENGE!! to a T and I love her to death. Maybe it
was the Mama bear in me wanting to protect my cub.

Thanks Mama's for all the replies it's helped me sort out my feelings
on the issue.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by trinity6232000

I'm sure there is a silly reason that lg doesn't like dd. They were in
the same class last year, and although they weren't close, they also
didn't bother one another. This year lg has made it known, to dd
and others (including teachers, one being her Mother) that she isn't
a fan of dd. This wasn't the first encounter with lg, it was just the
first one I got to witness myself.

But they are still very young. And as a mom you can't deal with your child's own issues. They will have to do it for themselves. You will probably never know what is going on in that other little girls mind for her little friend to shun her like that. It may be something really, really petty and silly. Why worry about it? I remember when my oldest was back in 2nd grade. Even then the boys were picking different friends like every other week. They would be friends for a while and then one kid wouldn't be cool enough for them and so on and so on.

It ain't nothing but a thing and our children need to be taught that their selfworth doesn't depend on what a single person thinks about them, especially a 5/6 yr old child. They really have no concept of real friendships at that age anyway. IMO it's just a part of their growing phase at that age and they all have to get through it without making such a big deal out of it. It may seem like a big deal at that time but it isn't later on when looking back at it.

Let's face it, once kids get in to middle/high school it will be very different when it comes to how kids treat each other once they start forming little cliques. That's when they are old enough to -know- better and they still treat others nasty. I dread it, especially high school.