help with 4 YO and new baby issues.

[luckylady]

Not sure if this should be here or baby forum...

DD is 4 and we have always been very close - she has always been very attached to me until she got to be around 3-1/2 and became very independent. Even still we are together all of the time and she is really my little "pal". She is used to me playing with her, doing art with her, etc etc etc...

Enter new baby. He is only almost 3 weeks old mind you - but since his arrival, DD sometimes is fine and other times is so whiney, contrary, and mean to me. She has wet her pants 4 times (she's been potty trained since 2-1/2 with NO issues like this) - today we went for a walk and she walked right over to a rock and peed her pants. I was so angry at her... She has taken to sucking a pacifier, which she has never taken in her life (I am trying to get the baby to take one to avoid being a human pacifier like I was for her). She is pouty and just seems depressed - never wants to do anything except "watch a show" and TV is VERY limited in our house so this escalates into a HUGE battle of her crying and begging to watch tv, with me holding the baby and telling her NO over and over, making a thousand suggestions for other things we can do and it ends up with me yelling at her to just go to her room...

I am hoping this will pass. I need advice because I think I have been doing all of the wrong things - telling her she's the "big" girl, getting so angry and fed up that I snap at her and tell her she is NOT a baby - STOP whining, STOP this STOP that - it seems like everything I am saying to her is negative and it's making it worse. I really try to be patient and loving but her behavior is just making me frustrated. Of course I feel momma guilt on top of it...not giving her what I once did and not giving the baby what I gave her.

She is definitely the kind of kid who probably should have been an only child because she is that demanding of both DH and I's time and energy (read high needs). Thankfully DS so far is pretty mellow - he just wants to be held alllllll dayyyyyy long - as a 3 week old SHOULD. Thank heaven for slings...

anyway - any advice on how to get her (((and I))) though this is much appreciated- and books or websites too.

Thanks from a pooped - physically, emotionally and psychologically - momma.

[Astoria]

Siblings Without Rivalry is a good book. I'd read or reread it. Even if you just get one thing from it. Do you have a partner, DH, spouse? Is he giving you breaks, allowing you to spend time alone and time alone with each child? Is he spending time alone with each child? Maybe you need a mother's helper or your mother or sister or best friend to come by once a week and help you?

I'm guessing that maybe "big girl" and "not a baby" are, as you are suggesting, probably not the best right now. One thing that helped me was to make as many positive statements as possible, even if they weren't quite true. So I'd offhandedly comment to my older son that he's a wonderful brother and a great sharer and all these things -- not overtly praise him for doing something, cause that's controlling and they see through that, but just make gentle postive comments from time to time. Then when he did something "wrong" I'd act mildly surprised, and comment that he's such a gentle person or such a kind brother, this must have just been a mistake. I'd play down the problem, and reinforce that I see him as loving and gentle. And if he'd act out or cry, I'd try to find words for him but be really careful not to put words or ideas into his head, which is a tricky balance. But I'd offer, do you need some snuggle time after DS2 nurses? Are you feeling frustrated right now?

By the way, the regressing to diapers, wanting a paci, wanting to nurse again, etc... are so typical they're textbook. So she's being exactly what she is, a little girl with a new sibling.

[bjewelled]

Hang in there!

Oh I send you the biggest hug and a hug to the big sister. Reading your post makes me think I wrote it several months ago. My ds now 4.5 went through the same thing. He wet pants, pooped, and even began using this as a tool for my attention. Fortunately it only took about 8 months for it all to pass. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...lies/dizzy.gif

My son as well became dilligent about TV. So, we sat aside a time when he could watch each day. Often this time was when I needed to put dd to sleep (after she got so big she didn't want to fall asleep in the sling.) When she was napping I made sure I put her down so I could focus solely on him. (Totally opposite of when he was an infant.) When there's two there's just not enough to go around the same way as when you only had one. This in no way means less love. It just means balancing that love for your sanity and theirs.

My ds initiated dolls during this period. I would give him a cloth diaper which he would put on his bear. He would nurse it, put it in a sling, etc. (I know a boy shouldn't nurse...but at the time it was what he needed.) Now he turns into a baby animal and comes to me with this soft baby voice. I know when I hear it that I need to stop what I'm doing and carress him like a babe. It seems to give him the nurturing balance he needs.

My biggest regret was that I became negative also. So bitter he would be in time out ALOT. I realized when I let go a little of my expectations...like letting him watch a little TV, or not getting angry when he wet himself, but simply change him and going on, life seemed better. He was more adjusted. He knew that he didn't have to "do" things to get my attention.

When DD was around 6 months I put him in a little MMO program (Something I never thought I would do!) This was amazing for him. It took a few times for adjustment, but him being with big kids made all the difference. He no longer wanted to suck from ds's pacifier or wet himself. He recognized not only was he older, but he wanted to be older.

Dd is now 10 months and I feel like my ds is back. Our loving bond grows and I make it a point to take him on a Mommie & dd adventure each week. Bear through the pain. Laugh, don't yell. She's just struggling to find her place, just as everyone else is with the new baby. And except that sometimes our strict plans aren't always what works or what is best.http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ilies/duck.gif

in peace...

[MistyB]

Btdt...

and the best advice I can give is to shower the older kiddo with dates and one and one time (even 5 minutes here and there) sans the baby. I have always tried to take my son on quicky dates (to the grocery, to run a short errand). When he is acting up most is often when he needs focused time with his sister not around.

[MOM2ANSLEY]

My dd is 3 1/2 and ds is almost 5 wks.
Family support has been my lifesaver. Currently dd is at a movie with sil.... a new experience for dd, so she did not mind leaving mom.
I am more lax with tv now but actually she watches less b/c g-ma or aunts or cousins are visiting or taking dd onshort outings.
She also has begun to mother her dolls. My heart melted when I first saw her nurse her doll.
She loves ds and wants to hold him often. I sit her up with a boppy on her lap and lay ds on boppy. she gets to "hold" ds and is very happy.
For Mommy time I have sil or dh watch babe and we go out for a swim, a swing, walk etc.
I read to her when nursing ds, or set her up with an art project....watercolors or play doh.
Basically when I have someone help out I make it something so appealing to dd she would rather be there than with me

[nancy926]

We've BTDT too - and it DOES get better.

Don't be angry with your 4 YO (if you can help it, lol). They are experiencing a huge change in their lives and don't know how to articulate their feelings. My older DD peed on the couch a couple of times, right in front of us, just peed her pants (and she'd been potty learned for months). She also had a lot of screaming fits. She never exhibited any aggression toward the baby, or toward us.

I spent as much one-on-one time with her as I could, and sometimes would say things like "it must be hard sharing me and Dad with Binky now", etc. I didn't do much of the "you're a big girl so you can do X, Y and Z, and the baby can't". I just spent time with her and did what she wanted to do.

My baby is almost 10 months old (time flies!) and there are still issues sometimes...I guess there always will be, lol. But the classic new-baby behaviors (acting "depressed", peeing in the pants, etc) are gone ,and have been gone for about 5 months now.

HTH!
Nancy

[MellowMama]

I wish I had advice for you, but we're having huge behavioral issues here too since I was pregnant and now with the baby here it is worse. Today was a bad day for us, and it seems like there have been more bad days than good ones lately. I've already been in tears tonight because of my 4 1/2 YO's atrocious behavior. I will be paying attention to this thread...

[Starflower]

Hugs to you and the other PP who are having troubles right now with this. I'm mostly just looking here because we're thinking about having another baby and DD would be almost 4 when that happens if we were to conceive right away.

Maybe I'll checkout "Siblings Without Rivalry" before we make our final decision - and regardless, I know it will be a worthy read.

Good luck, mamas. Hang in there.

[MamaFern]

im so glad someone esle is going through this. i was beginning to think its just me or us or something. not that i want you to be unhappy - i know how hard it is with an unhappy older child and demanding younger one.. but just to know that it isnt because im a bad mom. i am so into gentle discipline and AP but sometimes i just feel like screaming and crying and not seeing my son because he is always whining and always unhappy it seems. there are sweet moments but they diolve into whining within a short time. i get so mad and i just feel like i cant cope. my ears hurt from the high pitched sound and nothing i do is ever good enuff it seems.

i guess i just wanted to let you know that it isnt you and that there are other folks out there going through the same thing. i definitly feel like i need an extra reserve of patience these days.. but im not sure where to find it:.:

[mommy68]

If you were like me when I had a newborn and a 6 yr old in my house, something you don't have time to do - READ A BOOK! So I will give you some advice as to what I did:

Just make sure to give your oldest child attention whenever the baby is sleeping or having downtime himself. That's important this early on. She is reacting to these early weeks of him being in the house. She just needs to be included more in the daily tasks of caring for the infant AND given her own undivided attention too. Make sure she knows that he is someone that she can be close to as well as you being close to him. She would probably get a lot of out just handing you a diaper or a bottle during the day. I would just really hone in on giving her lots and lots of attention for a while until she seems to feel more comfortable with sharing her mommy with this new little person.

You have to remember that you've been all her's for so long now and it's probably hard for her to welcome this other strange baby in to HER home and somehow be expected to just deal with it. I would call the pediatrician and get some advice as well.

[luckylady]

Thanks Mommas - it's so hard! to the other mommas dealing with this too! It IS comforting to know I am not alone in this overwhelmed feeling of there is not enough of me to go around right now.

She has been better this past few days but of course has her moments. The baby wants to be held all of the time, which I have come to accept and just keep him in the sling rather than keep trying to lay him down, then he cries, and I have to sooth him all over again so my entire day is spent like that. Frustrating.:

I have been spending lots of time with her doing what she wants to do, and actually even made it out yesterday to a storytime and carousel ride, which was lots of fun for DD. Frankly it's exhausting because when DS is sleeping peacefully, I want to take a nap too! Or do a pile of laundry or some other chore that needs to be done - but they can wait.

DH has actually been GREAT about taking her and doing things with her, and I have had some friends come pick her up too.

I have been having her get more involved with baby- STOPPED saying to be careful etc etc - and she actually laid down with him and was playing with him, which was precious - and the first time SHE really initiated spending time with him on her own. She told me she loves the baby.

We'll see. hopefully it stays this way.