Need perspective / help / encouragement

[Fiddlemom]

I've been considering homeschooling for some time. [imagine long explanation of thought processes here, or go look at the considering homeschooling thread...] We have to make some decisions quickly now b/c deadlines are upon us for private school apps (our local ps has been ruled out). My dh, who was once fully supportive of the idea, is now not totally on board.

This morning I realized that partly I want to homeschool because I've dreamed about doing it since I was 20, and now I'm 38, and now my first is about to be school age, so here we are. This is probably the best reason to do it of all. If I don't try it I will always wonder whether it would've been the better direction for my family.

But I am so AFRAID. School no matter how good (and the kids have been in a great little preschool this year) is demoralizing to me as a person and a parent, so I've lost a lot of confidence in the last year. I'm afraid I won't be able to go back if it turns out to be the wrong lifestyle for our family. I'm afraid of telling the family and of "those" conversations with other people. I'm afraid I'll regret the various things that will need to go by the wayside in order to spend more time with my kids--esp my career. Since my dh and I differ somewhat at this point about what hs is/isn't, I'm afraid about working through those conflicts. I'm afraid of being socially isolated [totally unfounded, as long as I connect with my local hs community and go outside--we live in the city]. I'm afraid my kids won't have lasting friendships. Fear, fear, fear.

Can anyone speak to any of these? I feel very alone inside of my little (wayyyy too busy) brain.

TIA,

Jenny

[Monda]

I am a firm believer that in a two parent home, it is important for both parents to be on board for Sing to work. I don't mean that Dad has to help with the actual process (thought I am sure that would be sooo nice) but they have to think it is a good idea and worth the work.

Next, you can always put your kids back in school if needed...that option does not go away. Third, you taught them more yourself in their first years of life than you can probably remember, you can teach them school work.

If you worry about them being too isolated, or you never having a break, then you can look into co-ops or occasional classes to add some variety to your homeschool lifestyle.

In most cases, you will save money homeschooling over private schooling.

[oceanbaby]

I can address this specifically but I have to run right now. I will get back to you on this later today.

[oceanbaby]

Okay, I first wanted to give you a little excerpt from a book that I read that really helped me:

"Remember these two things: (1) having doubts and lots of questions is normal, and (2) don't let your doubts stop you from exploring this incredible option for you and your children. Most likely, you attended conventional school as a child, and not having your children go to school is different. Different can be confusing and scary even when it feels right and makes sense." (Taken from Homeschooling for Success)

I had gotten myself wound up to the point where I was convinced that having doubts and being afraid meant that I shouldn't homeschool. That paragraph just really let me get it into perspective, and back into my usual mode of trying not to make decisions based on fear, especially when it goes against what I feel in my heart is right. When my first son was born, it felt right in my heart to give birth in the hospital even though everything I knew about natural birth warned against hospitals. And I had a natural birth in the hospital. When I decided to have a homebirth with my second son, it felt right in my heart even though everyone around me was freaking me out with scary "what if" doubts and stories. And again, it turned out fine. In fact, when I look back on various decisions I've made in my life, almost every single one that turned out to be a good decision was the one where I followed my instinct, and the ones that turned out to be bad were the ones I made based on "well, that's what I'm SUPPOSED to do."

I was in exactly your situation, and in many ways still am as the only difference is that we have already decided to homeschool, but have yet to officially start. We too were looking at homeschool vs. private school, not public, and since almost everything you read about homeschooling compares it to public school, I started to have doubts about it really being better than private school. I even went ahead and applied to a private school that I liked better than others, but still wasn't perfect. And doing the playdate interview was very revealing. They sold themselves as sooooo progressive. And the interview consisted of circle time, and every child given a piece of paper on which to write their name, draw a picture of their family, and cut out a star. Yeah, really progressive. What a way to really get to know a child.: And I could get all this, in an albeit beautiful school, for the bargain price of $16,000/year. When we were waitlisted I just told them to take me off the list (even though they were very positive that we would get a spot). We had decided by then to homeschool.

One thing I do when I start to freak out is pretend that ds is starting Kindergarten at school in 3 months. How would I be feeling? I would be pretty freaked. I would be scared about how he was going to handle being gone 30 hours a week. I would be worried about whether we chose the right school. I would be stressed about how to pay for it. I would be scared about him being able to handle the pressures of the classroom. I would be worried about other kids being mean to him. I would worry about losing the connection I have with him. I would be concerned about the relationship between him and his brother. I would be stressed about how I was going to get everyone up, dressed, fed and out of the house on time. I would be irritated about how we couldn't take vacations when we wanted to or do things during the week. I would be worried he was missing out on visiting his grandpa in Costa Rica, playing golf with his other aging grandpa on Tuesday mornings, or getting to visit the museum and exploring a particular painting for as long as he wanted to, not having to keep moving because the group had to stay together (this became apparent during a preschool field trip). I would be concerned about the lack of free time he was going to have to just relax and be a kid. My point is that by deciding to put him into school I am not automatially absolved of any fears or worries. They are just different ones.

I also remind myself that I am not deciding his entire educational future right now. I am just deciding what's going to happen this next year. I can revisit the decision any time I want to. And, I also had to remind myself that as wonderful as ds's preschool is, that is NOT what we would be looking at for next year. We would not come and go as we please, he could not choose to ride the bikes outside all day if he wanted, he could not play airplane for hours, he could not read instead of join in at circle - you get the idea. As much as he likes preschool, don't convince yourself that that's what you are depriving him of. I have said many times that if elementary school were based on the preschool model we'd be there in a heartbeat. But it's not, and even if you find the most wonderful part time play based kindergarten, by first grade it's all business, and it's full time.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble. I've got to run again, but please post or PM with any other thoughts/questions. This is my favorite subject to talk about right now, as I'm still working through it myself.

Oh, one more thing: I printed this out, and when I start to panic I read it again: http://www.nhen.org/media/default.asp?id=362

[Fiddlemom]

Oceanbaby,
you completely rock. you spoke to so many of the things that are on my mind right now. Interestingly today / tonight as well as while reading your post I was reminded of other times in my life when I made a decision that was initially unpopular or questioned by influential people in my life, and how right on those decisions usually were (when not done out of rebellion...[[ahem]]). And on another occasion at a major crossroads in my life (where to go to college) I did not follow and be strong in what I knew was the right direction. I allowed the voices of others to override and blot out what I wanted and to confuse my thinking. Big mistake. I should have gone after what I knew I wanted even though my dad was not supportive (eg, wouldn't pay for it).

Monda,
thank you for the reminder about all I've taught them so far.

you guys rock, thank you!

J.
[edited for grammar...ugh]