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step rivalry - fighting

post #1 of 10
6/2/06 at 4:04pm
Thread Starter 
new to this sight. Married 1.5 yrs. He has 3 boys (16, 14, 13). I have one girl (10). I knew blending would be difficult but some of the issues we have I never expected. The issue this month - attention. So my bio daughter was an only child and a bit spoiled, his children, pretty much raised only by dad. Our values are the same, but our daily parenting can be a little different. i'll give him credit - good dad, good at lessons that will affect them long term, good provider, good example, solid. I am more of the cant balance a checkbook, but loves that daily interaction, giggling, hangin with my daughter, mushy. So the issue now - is my bio daughter a mommys girl and too clingy. I guess the boys, one particularly seems to think my daughter takes up too much of my attention. Am I confused by that - overly. I feel the only time we really are alone is at night - when i go to her room, we read together, talk, pray. Now in the beginning did she seem clingy to me - yes (new city, new school, new family and less mom) made sense. Does she now - no. The boys dont have a relationship with their mom right now and I think the one boy is not being fair when he gives my daughter a hard time and tells my husband that she is too clingy. I think he is dealing with his own issues. My husband tends to believe the boy and will talk with my bio daughter about being clingy. I feel like we have to walk on eggshells just to hang around eachother because the boys are so sensitive. I definitely try to hang with them as well, do things with them, etc.. I have dione more with them in the last 4 yrs than their bio mom ever has. I know the boys like me which drives their need to hang with me , but i am tired of feeling confused - am i over parenting my bio child or are they trippen and driving a wedge between me and my bio daughter. Just want advice.
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post #2 of 10
6/2/06 at 6:12pm
I think it is neither thing.

It is more like your daughter and you are used to the time that you had together so your time now seems much less.

they are used to the time that one of three kids gets with one parent so comparativly the time your daughter gets with you seems like a lot. (since one of three probobly gets near no alone time with dad)

I think this is just growing pains. Everyone likes each other and they will all adjust.

Your daughter is going to have the hardest time here because she went from a birthorder of ONE and ONLY ONE to youngest of four.

They basically kept the same birth order and the youngest (he is the complainer right?) just got bumped from the baby spot. He maybe struggling to adapt to being a middle child (no one notices Mr. middle kid) from being the baby of the family.

time will sort this out...in the mean time just try to think about how their birth order has been screwed up.

The only book I know on this topic is "stranger in the house" by beers I think?
post #3 of 10
6/2/06 at 7:34pm
I'm a single parent, not a stepparent, so I know my advice will be
taken with a grain of salt. First I would talk to your dh, and ask him
not to discuss with dd about being "clingy". Like the above poster
said she has gone from being an only to being one of four, so you
have every right to give her every minute of time you both are free.
Without you and her feeling like your being judged, even in joking.
I would tell dh to talk to his son that has complained about dd being
clingy. It should be known to both of them that the complaining or
judging or even commenting about being clingy should stop.

Then I would find ways of spending time with just dss that complained.
Even if it's just a drive some where or something small. Most times
when people complain about somebody else, it explains something
lacking in them.

You said that your step sons Mother doesn't spend time with them.
Now that they live with you, and see how you are with dd, they
could crave some of that attention as well.
Even if your dss acts like he doesn't want your individual time, he
could very well be in need of some Mama love.

Big love to your family.
post #4 of 10
6/3/06 at 1:07am
Thread Starter 

feels good to be heard

gosh it almost brought tears to my eyes to read those replys and feel like i got some comments worth listening too. I wish me and my husband could communicate better. He thinks i am defensive which he is probably right and i think he is defensive and so sarcastic - I hate that. i really think he has done a good job with his boys, so I value his advice but sometimes i just feel like he cant understand me and my daughter and where we are coming from.
post #5 of 10
6/3/06 at 1:23am
I read this not long ago...maybe your dh should read it too?

http://abcnews.go.com/images/Primeti...lies%20ABC.pdf
post #6 of 10
6/4/06 at 2:36am
Quote:
Originally Posted by 777
gosh it almost brought tears to my eyes to read those replys and feel like i got some comments worth listening too. I wish me and my husband could communicate better. He thinks i am defensive which he is probably right and i think he is defensive and so sarcastic - I hate that. i really think he has done a good job with his boys, so I value his advice but sometimes i just feel like he cant understand me and my daughter and where we are coming from.

post #7 of 10
6/4/06 at 6:10pm
Thread Starter 

thankyou

thank mommy mine and trinity! (Trinity) Even tho your not in a blended family, being a parent, especially a single parent which I was for years before getting married certainly can give you insight. My daughters bio father hasnt seen her in years so i definitely feel protective of my daughter maybe a little out of guilt and want so badly for her to form a bond with dh.
post #8 of 10
6/4/06 at 6:25pm
I don't have a lot of help for your particular situation. I have stepchildren, but none of my 'own'. I just wanted to offer lots of

Being a stepmom is tough. Some aspects are great - but a lot of it is tough. The only thing you can do is love all your kids, love yourself, and remember that, whatever happens, you're doing the best you can.
post #9 of 10
6/7/06 at 2:26am
i am dealing with something similar and here is what i found that seems to help me out & keep my daughter from feeling like she has to share to much of me eith her new step/siblings.
we blended our 2 families wich includes 3 of mine, ages 8, 5 (special needs) & 3 with his 16, 9 & 3 yr olds. my situation differs as well as my step kids haver no bio mom in the picture as she died from breast cancer 2 yrs ago. i basically taken over as full time mom due to this. i love my stpe kids & i try to keep equal time with them all. easier said then done on somedays. i know when my 3 go with biodad i have great quality moments with my step kids & then during the week when my biokids are home i have private time with them so they do not have that you stole my mom resentment towards their step siblings. my 8 yr old has some issues but we are working them out. it seems to work for us as i am fulltime ONLY mom to 6. i think blending families is very tough snd you just have to keep working on it every chance you can to make everything peaceful, kids handle things way different then we do and somettimes just 10 min of alone time a day can make all the difference in the world.
post #10 of 10
6/7/06 at 1:42pm
Thread Starter 
mama2monkeys:
I am thinking I might be a little "overprotective". Sometimes I feel like my daughter feels alone because it was her and me for so long and my time is so stretched. Even tho i dont feel like i spend a considerable amount of time with her i feel like i am constantly thinking about should i spend more? I am curious what your husband feels and says about how things are going? Because even tho me and my dh can be on the same page, sometimes we cant even get on the same chapter.