Hey papas 
I posted this on another board, but thought it would be particularly beneficial to look for some insight here, as well.
A bit of background: Dh and I have had quite the rocky relationship. We were wonderful friends for about a year-and-a-half before we married. We dated for a few months before we married, then broke up because of some breaches of trust on both our parts (no cheating, per se, but there were some other issues). About a month after we broke up (we were still talking occasionally, trying to get our friendship back together), I found out I was pregnant. It was a whirlwind from there... we married, moved 2 hours away, he took a new job, I went back to school a year after our son was born. Fast forward to almost 3 years into marriage, and the same trust issues are surfacing again, along with a severe doubt on my part that we ever should have married in the first place. We attended marriage counseling for a few months after we were first married and have both attended individual counseling of varying sorts. None of it has made a difference.
About a month ago we decided to split... things have never gotten extremely ugly, but we have just basically been really unhappy together for the entire three years. He has said that he loves me but doesn't feel as though he will ever be able to get past our trust issues. This is not surprising to me - he has had trust issues with women all of his life (going back to his mother leaving him when he was a toddler and his first wife cheating on him) and some of my behavior in the past has done little to help. And I've come to the determination that I don't really want to "work things out" in the marriage sense - particularly if it means having to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life or explaining everything that I do and say umpteen times just in case he might consider it a personal affront. (That may sound petty, but the problem is that this is so *easy* to do - he is more sensitive than any person I have ever known and, after four years together, still does not understand my method of communication or my sense of humour - both of which I have amended greatly to accommodate him... so much so that I don't even recognize myself sometimes. Of course, I think he feels the same about himself).
So, to finally get to the issue of the day: We still live together, for financial reasons and because of ds. This is absolutely fine with me, though a little hard for him I think, as he professes to still love me. We sleep separately, there is very little affection (apart from what you might expect from very good friends), and we have been getting along phenomenally well - better than the entire time we have been married. We're even joking together... it seems to be much healthier for both of us (and for our son) to have the pressure of trying to be the "happy married couple" removed from the situation.
He has said that he will be looking for a place this summer once we get some financial issues worked out and I have shifted pretty fully into separation mode. I thought he had as well until about a week ago when, out of the blue, he tried to initiate sex . I asked him what was going on and he said that he just wanted to be close to a woman (understandable) and that he thought as friends we could enjoy sex together. I explained to him that I understood his perspective but that would really screw with my emotional "stuff". He's tried again once since then, and we've had a similar conversation.
Then, this morning before he left for work, he planted a big fat kiss on my lips - the first semblance of affection we've had in months and definitely *not* the sort of kiss you'd give a mere friend
: . I'm completely baffled... and concerned... and don't know how to deal with this. As I said, he's extremely sensitive and I love him and care about him and certainly don't want to hurt him... but I can just see what's coming (another trip on another roller coaster) and it has my stomach in knots. I just don't understand why he would make this sort of move knowing where my mind is and considering our past conversations about our situation....
If you've made it this far, I am incredibly impressed and grateful
If anyone has any insight, I would be sooooo happy to hear it...
I posted this on another board, but thought it would be particularly beneficial to look for some insight here, as well.
A bit of background: Dh and I have had quite the rocky relationship. We were wonderful friends for about a year-and-a-half before we married. We dated for a few months before we married, then broke up because of some breaches of trust on both our parts (no cheating, per se, but there were some other issues). About a month after we broke up (we were still talking occasionally, trying to get our friendship back together), I found out I was pregnant. It was a whirlwind from there... we married, moved 2 hours away, he took a new job, I went back to school a year after our son was born. Fast forward to almost 3 years into marriage, and the same trust issues are surfacing again, along with a severe doubt on my part that we ever should have married in the first place. We attended marriage counseling for a few months after we were first married and have both attended individual counseling of varying sorts. None of it has made a difference.
About a month ago we decided to split... things have never gotten extremely ugly, but we have just basically been really unhappy together for the entire three years. He has said that he loves me but doesn't feel as though he will ever be able to get past our trust issues. This is not surprising to me - he has had trust issues with women all of his life (going back to his mother leaving him when he was a toddler and his first wife cheating on him) and some of my behavior in the past has done little to help. And I've come to the determination that I don't really want to "work things out" in the marriage sense - particularly if it means having to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life or explaining everything that I do and say umpteen times just in case he might consider it a personal affront. (That may sound petty, but the problem is that this is so *easy* to do - he is more sensitive than any person I have ever known and, after four years together, still does not understand my method of communication or my sense of humour - both of which I have amended greatly to accommodate him... so much so that I don't even recognize myself sometimes. Of course, I think he feels the same about himself).
So, to finally get to the issue of the day: We still live together, for financial reasons and because of ds. This is absolutely fine with me, though a little hard for him I think, as he professes to still love me. We sleep separately, there is very little affection (apart from what you might expect from very good friends), and we have been getting along phenomenally well - better than the entire time we have been married. We're even joking together... it seems to be much healthier for both of us (and for our son) to have the pressure of trying to be the "happy married couple" removed from the situation.
He has said that he will be looking for a place this summer once we get some financial issues worked out and I have shifted pretty fully into separation mode. I thought he had as well until about a week ago when, out of the blue, he tried to initiate sex . I asked him what was going on and he said that he just wanted to be close to a woman (understandable) and that he thought as friends we could enjoy sex together. I explained to him that I understood his perspective but that would really screw with my emotional "stuff". He's tried again once since then, and we've had a similar conversation.
Then, this morning before he left for work, he planted a big fat kiss on my lips - the first semblance of affection we've had in months and definitely *not* the sort of kiss you'd give a mere friend
: . I'm completely baffled... and concerned... and don't know how to deal with this. As I said, he's extremely sensitive and I love him and care about him and certainly don't want to hurt him... but I can just see what's coming (another trip on another roller coaster) and it has my stomach in knots. I just don't understand why he would make this sort of move knowing where my mind is and considering our past conversations about our situation....If you've made it this far, I am incredibly impressed and grateful
If anyone has any insight, I would be sooooo happy to hear it...
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