AP adoption books, help please.

[Peppermint]

My brother and sister in law are adopting two little boys, one is going to be turning 5 a few days after they "get" him (he's in another country). The other will be 6 months or so, when they adopt him.

So, I need some suggestions about APing older adopted kids. I know BFing won't be an option, but I would like to see them raise their sons as AP as possible, not that they'll care what I think. I want to get them some books to try to "convince" them that AP is the way to go, especially with an older adopted child, IMHO.

Any suggestions?

Thanks in advance.
Patty (new Auntie to 2 beautiful boys)
mom to mary and danny

[Laurel]

I can't think of any titles, since we adopted an infant and it's been months since I read any books about older child adoption. But if my memory serves me right, alot of the literature out there about adopting older kids advocates principles that are essentially AP. A really good website to check out is www.tapestrybooks.com

I just reread your post and noticed one child is 6 months. In that case, I'd suggest both "Launching a Baby's Adoption" by Patricia Irwin Johnston and "Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft".

[EFmom]

There is one called "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah Gray that's supposed to be fairly good. It gives ideas on how to foster bonding through daily interactions and it's aimed at somewhat older kids.

There is also Martha Welch's "Holding Time" that deals with one specific route to encouraging attachment. It's a little controversial, but some people report very good results. I find it a little sexist, but we have used the basic technique with excellent results.

International adoption comes with its own set of parenting issues. I would not try to necessarily rely on the standard AP techniques with older IA children. They come with their own set of life experiences that need to be understood. I've found that I get the best information from other parents of internationally adopted children. It sounds from your post that the children are probably from Eastern Europe? If so, your relatives might try Families for Ukrainian and Russian Adoption www.frua.org or Eastern European Adoption Coalition www.eeadopt.org to find some other people who have been down this road.

[OnTheFence]

I wanted to make a few comments.

I think first of all that when you adopt, especially an older child, you need to get some of the standard "AP" ideas out of your head. AP to me is about meeting the childs needs, making them feel comfortable and developing healthy relationships with one another. This can be facilitated with breastfeeding, cosleeping, sling wearing etc. but sometimes these things just do not work out or baby doesnt take to them. With an older child I think they are going to have to listen and watch for cues with this child. After being in an orphanage he may be thrilled to have his own room or he may be frightened. He may want to sleep where everyone else does, or he may not. At first he may be sensitive to touch and to his surroundings in general.

We adopted Dylan at birth. I tried to get him to cosleep. He just didnt like it. Was very restless and would cry. He would sleep in a crib with no problems. Dylan tolerated the sling a few times, but over all didnt care for it. I just had to get a lot of things out of my head on what "should" be happening or he "should" be taking to and do what worked best for him.

[Dakota's Mom]

I find that most AP techniques work fine with our son. He loved the sling. He does okay with cosleeping but he is all over the bed. We have compromised with putting a small crib right beside our bed. He always goes to sleep in this crib. But if he wakes up in the night we cuddle for a while in our bed and then he goes back to sleep in the little crib in our room. I did not try to BF him as I work fulltime and he was almost 6 monhs old when we brought him home. But like smeone else said, you have to do what feels right for the child. I think that's true if they are adopted or homegrown.

Kathi

[geekmom]

Depending on which country they're getting the kids from and how good their early care was they may be attachment disordered. In that case I'd have them read some of the books on dealing with attachment disordered kids. Books by Richard Delaney are especially good.

I've had a number of attachment disordered children and it's hard because they often freak out with soem of the normal AP methods, holding, cuddling, eye contact, etc. I worked with each of them very slowly, doing as much as each could handle, talking directly to them to eye contact to holding a hand to short hugs to holding and more.

Now my kids with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) are 5 1/2 and 2 years old and are completely and intensely attached.

[Peppermint]

Oh, I am so thankful for alll of your responses. Their first child is home with them for the last 9 weeks and they are all adjusting beautifully, their next is coming home to them sometime this month

I really appreciate all the responses, as luck would have it, some AP instincts have surfaced and they are doing so well.

Thanks Again,
Patty