How do Dads feel about being in the delivery room?

[SaraBravo]

this is directed to any dads out there.

how did you feel about being in the room when your wife/gf/significant other was giving birth to your child?
my fiance says that he doesnt want to be in the room because he is afraid that it will "mess him up sexually". how do we get around that, because i really do need him to be with me to support me? can we get beyond that feeling? how normal is it? i mean im not asking him to watch it actually come out or anything i just need him to encourage me, hold my hand,etc.

plz, any suggestions will help.

- a desparate 1st time mom

[Moose]

Dude!

If he doesnt what to watch thats fine. They can put up a screen so it doesnt freak him out. But he needs to be there by your side thru this if you want him there. They will even put him in a chair so he sit there next to your head and just hold your hand. Discuss it with your Doc and they will make all the arangements.

But ("mess him up sexually") This isnt about him, its about you and your new born. The less stress on you the less stress on the baby. BE A MAN! :


SIDE NOTE:
I WISH I could have assisted with the delivery of my girls. They were both by c-section. I'm an EMT and saving a life is pretty awesome however it would be earth shaking to help bring a new life into this world. The doctors were cool with letting me stand in and assist but my wife needed me by her head and holding her hand and that my friends is where I was.

[tessamami]

It sounds like you've got a leg up on this

because you know in advance that he is chicken. Can you get a girlfriend, mother, mother-in-law, sister or doula to be there with you? That way your dear husband can be as involved as he can be, and both you and he can be supported?

[Sweetiemommy]

My husband was very enthusiastic about being present for the birth, but he didn't feel comfortable with watching the baby come out (it is very crazy looking!!) and some men do report feeling strange about their wives vaginas after the baby is born (this happens without even seeing the birth, for some men it is just the idea that your body gave birth to a real baby). But I think that if he is just near your head, holding your hand or even sitting behind you propping you up and supporting you - he won't be able to see anything graphic, but will still be able to be there for you. My husband did end up seeing the baby come out and it wasn't as bad as he thought. He just thought it was amazing that my body could do that! Of course, my husband is also comfortable with menstruation and other womanly things, so maybe your partner is a little different. I still think most men are fine with being in the room - it is just the idea of seeing the vagina at full dialation that is scary.

[SaraBravo]

new circumstances

Originally Posted by tessamami

because you know in advance that he is chicken. Can you get a girlfriend, mother, mother-in-law, sister or doula to be there with you? That way your dear husband can be as involved as he can be, and both you and he can be supported?

well my mom is defineltly going to be there, im not sure if my sister will make it or not because she if lying in from cali. and i don't know if i could handel my mother-in-law being with me (no offense because she is a wonderufl woman).

i just recently found out that the birthing center where i wanted to have our child can't take my insurance. ( i want a water birth). so the only 2 other places i could find are soo far away. one is in savanah (which is about 2 hrs north of me) and the other is in metro atl (which is 5-6 hrs north west of me). we have decided that i will go to metro atlanta becuase my mother lives there and i could stay with her and she will be my coach. the only bad thing is that we may not have enough money for him to come up there and wait for the baby to be born you know. i am going up there once i am a little over 8 months. i want him to come up around the baby's due date but we don't have enough money for him to miss that much work and pay for that much gas. we both know that it would be best me being with my mom cause there will always be someone with me incase i go into labor early at an unexpected time. and the method and doctors are the best! he agrees that it would be best for the baby. we have decided that we will show the birth on a web cam so he and his family down here can see her be born. we aren't going to show her actually comeing out cause i know his whole family doesn't want to see that much lol. i'm not sure how i would feel about everyone seeing all that much of me.
he is a little sad becuase he said he does want to be there(just not in the room) when the baby is born. he says that he thinks it would be the best thing for the baby and i.
i am still going to try to find a way to get him up there around when the baby is due. maybe have my mom bye him a plane ticket or something .
i feel kinds selfish for going so far a way from him. it really makes me sad because i really really want him to be there, but it really is going to be the best thing for the baby and i.
he says sending me off pregnant and me coming home with his baby is kinda exciting.
i still feel really guilty but at the same time i want this really really badly.

[EVC]

Well, Im not a dad, but I'm married to one

Dh did NOT want to be in that delivery room--he was afraid that he would pass out :

Eventually he agreed and although he wasn't really involved in the delivery, he has no regrets about being there

[Incubator]

I'm sorry that you are struggling with this. I wish more men would post for you, so you can have their opinion. My husband was with me all the way, and I coudn't have imagined him being anywhere else. Let yours know how important this is to you, and what a momentous occasion it is in BOTH your lives. Chances are, once he's in there, the emotions and excitement will be so high, he'll never know what hit him.

Good luck, dear. and I wish all the best for you and your family.

[Sharlla]

My DH demanded to be there, he even refused to sign the paper stating that he will leave the room in the event of an emergency. He's extremely paranoid about something happening to me or the baby. Honestly I'd rather just have the baby with no one there.

[Fafyrd]

I was in there and it was an experience I wouldn't have missed. My daughter came out with so much hair on her head I thought she wasn't human! But it was great when she grabbed and squeezed my finger while she was being weighed.

[SaraBravo]

my thats what my dad said about me

my dad said he was watching them weigh me and i stuck out my finger pointing at him and he did the same and when our fingers met we shocked each other. he said it was like that painting in that chaple by michael angelo

[MyNameIsBen]

Can you expand on what you think he meant when he said that it would "mess him up sexually"? That sounds a tad self-centered to me.

I'm not a dad yet, but I have little to no qualms about being in the room at the birth center when my baby is born. What is it like at the birth center you are going to? I'm wondering if maybe your husband is put-off by medical settings, and he may not know what this birth center is like.

I'm a little nervous about some fluids, but I wouldn't be anywhere else but right in the thick of things when my first child is brought into the world.

[Tata]

"Mess him up sexually"? What is up with that? He has some issues to work through. It doesn't sound like he's chicken. It sounds like he has a preconcieved notion of what women are to him as far being sexual objects. If he sees you give birth, he won't be able to think/look at you in the same way? Is that his issue? He needs to get over it and start to see women in a different way. He can also look at birth in a different way. And, if he simply can't, then as Moose pointed out, he can be behind a screen and hold your hand.

But, what do you think he needs to do?

[jen6]

I'm not a man, but.......my DH was there for our 1st which ended up in an emergency c-section. I remember laying there waiting for him while he scrubbed in and thinking, oh no, he is going to pass out.....when he came in he was wearing one of those little hats and a gown and looked like a deer in headlights, but he was with me through it and those moments forever change things. It is a constant negotiation. Everyone has their limits and I do think it is best to respect them, but it is also really important for your partner to be clear on why he can't be there for you, because again, these decisions change things. This time around I am doing a VBAC and I asked my DH to receive the baby. He is not sure he can do this, but we are discussing it.

As far as the sexual issue goes, a really good thing to read is "Ida May Gaskins Guide to Childbirth", she mentions a lot of concrete ways in which birth are tied into our sexuality. Besides the obvious regarding the way te baby came into being, she mostly focuses on how the woman's physical responses in labor can be augmented by physical contact with her partner--kissing, etc.---because the outlets to our bodies are all connected. If you think about it, this intuitively makes sense. Also, without going into too much detail , you may have experiences that confirm relaxation or stimulation of one outlet is tied to another. He needs to think about and articulate what is going on for him. This may not be his strongsuit, but it is the least he can do.

[eminer]

It sounds like you are both happy with your new plan, which is all that matters! It's ok not to want the "textbook" ideal birth. This is *your* birth. However, if he does want to be there, and you want him there, he would probably have a good chance of making it even with a 5-6 hour drive. Most first labors start out relatively slowly. My mom drove 5 hours to be at my first birth and made it before I was even ready to head for the hospital. She missed the second birth (at home) by about an hour.

[eminer]

Oops, I'm not a dad either. But here is my dh's birth story (you have to scroll down): http://www.mothering.com/discussions...birthday+story

[darkpear]

I feel that if I'm going to go through the discomfort, risk and colossal physical, mental and emotional exertion of pregnancy and birth, the least my partner can do is be there to support me throughout. Fortunately, he agrees Our youngest was a home waterbirth and he caught the baby; it was so magical to birth her straight into her father's waiting hands, and it's a memory we will both treasure forever.

I would make an exception if he had a serious, insurmountable issue with the things one is likely to see at a birth, such as if he were the sort to pass out at the sight of blood etc., or if it were otherwise impossible for him to be there.

This

he doesnt want to be in the room because he is afraid that it will "mess him up sexually"

and this

men celebrating the birth thier way, like being at the pub with thier mates

would both piss me off in a big way.

[wende]

Originally Posted by damedame

some women would prefer thier well meaning clumsy partner to be out of the way.

While that may be true, it doesn't sound like the OP is one of them.

My dh said recently "I can't imagine not wanting to be in the delivery room. It was the most awsome, surreal thing that I've ever been through." He's not a man who usually says things like that so it took me by suprise.

[~Megan~]

I'm not sure why we insist that men be in delivery rooms. Its really a women's world in there. Men don't and really can't ever understand birth. Most men have a fix it attitude and birth can't be fixed (at least not without potentially creating new problems).

If he is uncomfortable you will pick up on that and it will not help you because you will pick up on it. You need someone who can offer complete, calm support.

Hire a doula to be your main support person and come up with a compromise for your fiance. Perhaps he can try being with you but give him the option to take breaks.
I know birth is hard for women, I've been there however for men its hard too. Let's not belittle their experience. They see the woman they love most in pain and they can do nothing about it. Birth is not something common in our world, its hidden and medicalized and sterile. Its new and scary for him. And he doesn't get all those great birth hormones to deal with it!

So come up with something you can both be happy with. Perhaps he will feel better being there if he knows there is a doula to attend to your needs both emotional and physcial.

[andisunshine]

My son's father caught him as he was born in our apartment at 6:27 in the morning. He cut the cord and I know he wouldn't have missed all that for anything in the world. He talks about how he instantly felt love for our son the moment he laid hands on him and it amazed him that he could feel that way. This was after rubbing my back at every contraction through the night (while I napped in between) so he was a very tired papa! My own father never even went to the hospital with my mother when she birthed his three children and I absolutely cannot fathom this from a man who can gut and skin a deer without batting an eye. I'm glad my son's father wanted a homebirth (his idea) and that our son's entrance into this world was a special bonding for the three of us. DS just turned 1 on 6/08/06 and I've really been reflecting on that beginning of our family.

[changa]

I was there, and I'm glad I was. It's hard work supporting someone during a birth (though moms will always remind you their part is much harder ) and perhaps it's not for everyone. Definately I'd say get a doula, someone you like and trust, and encourage him to be there, but without worrying about it.