Morning...
Lets see if I can ans some things brought up by ya"ll..
aisrael: dd is 2 and sd is 6.5 if that helps ya. and by removing myself, I removed myself from the food issue but only to a degree.....I just can't let dd learn that not eating and pretending you are ill to get out of eating is an acceptable behavior...she is just at the age where mimicing is golden and is already starting to mimic her older sister in those behaviors and it scares dh and I so he's agreed with me....Sd doesn't feel like eating anymore bc suddenly her throat hurts (only when asked to eat healthy things mind you) or her tummy hurts so DH called her on it and made a doctors appt....she was given the all clear and told it was a behavior issue (which we've known all along and we didnt[ have a problem with it yesterday at all...)...
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mommymine: at the moment I don't drive..I was in a car accident a bit ago and lost my peripheal vision which is not condusive to being able to drive. So, I would love to just hand off dd for a bit and go out and get some things done but I can't.....and even if I did, time would not be spent with her...around her yes, but not with her (this is evident when I go and get a long bath to relax and all I can hear is him yelling NO, stop, don't instead of why don't we do something else......) it is spent doing things for a hobby that he knows he shouldn't do while she is awake bc he just goes in circles with her about not touching things etc......or is spent with SD doing things to the exclusion of dd....It isn't as bad when SD as he will spend time with her but not the amt of time a father should...it's more out of I'll be upset if he doesn't so he does....does that help ya???? I only engaged the breakfast thing bc DH asked me offer her a few things...I did'nt know (neither did he) that I would be met with what I was met with....she did go hungry....and her mother didn't feed her, so she didn't eat until 7pm for dinner ...a full 24 hours AFTER her last meal...that's not healthy and I can't just sit and let her do that....her mother has eating disorders and this child has been aloud to vomit up whatever food she doesn't like or want bc once it hits your stomach you have all the nutrients for it....or you can chew it for as long as you want (turkey sometimes turned into paste) and then you can spit it out bc you at least got the flavor.....and granted, this isn't sd's fault her mother is/was like this but she knows it's not acceptable behavior at our house....told to her by her FATHER and then me.....he always go first and then will back me up..sometimes.....It's just that dd has started to do some of the same things bc she sees SD get away with it and that is not going to happen.....SO, yes, I do get upset about it and it's in those instances that I will not disengage myself from the situation....other times, she can eat whatever and whenever she wants.....her father can deal with the food issues unless they start affecting OUR daughter and then I get involved....
mammaster: I belive the problem is mostly with DH but it's also with sd...she's learned from her parents that this is acceptable behavior.....and it's not.....she's a very selfish child (bc of what she is allowed to get away with and do) and has learned from a very young age how to play the divorced parents game without any kind of conseqences....We don't spank, punish etc...we set guidelines....and I know from experience how hard it is to go back and forth from homes with NO guidelines to a few common sense, very reasonable ones.....but it's not like this is new to her.....the guidelines have been the same the whole time....bedtime is the only thing that changed since she's older now....but SD KNOWS when she is being wrong yet does it bc there are no conseqences for the wrong actions, no redirection from anyone but me, so I am the bad guy but I have dd to think about and learning those behaviors isn't what I would like....does that make sense???? I understand completly that she is 6.5 and I remember what being 6 was like for me (that's how old I was when my parents split and remember visiting him and this mysterious very pregnant woman) but when "she's only 6" is used for every behavior, it gets old and just becomes an excuse to me.....some of the things she does ARE age appropriate, but alot AREN'T and they aren't good.
Flap: there is just too much slack...plain and simple...I am not the only one that thinks this....old childcare providers, mutual friends.......but to her parents they are all just overexaggerating the behaviors.....it's not SD, it's them.
kyangel80: I completly agree...sometime just before she turned 4 things changed...DH blames me but I didn't do anything different around then....we still colored, played dolls, normal things a parent does with a child and then whammo, she came back after a short extended vacay with mom and things were different...she didn't chat with me, didn't want to play anything I suggested, so I let her suggest and it was I just want to be in my room....I wasn't gonna force her to play with me so I just let it be for a bit.....ya can't make a kid like ya again.....esp since you have no idea what her mom is spewing behind your back...the you don't have to listen to or respect anyone but your parents (this was told directly to DH and he thinks it's bullhonkey but doesn't back up the fact that he thinks it's bullhonkey...
: Her mom changed jobs last year making it so she was home in the daytime with her instead of gone all day....True, a few posts don't get a whole lot of insight into the past 4 years but it's pretty much been the same save a few times here or there every time SD is here, I become and now DD and I become somewhat invisible, an afterthought. I didnt even delve into how SD treated dd when she was new....pinching, poking, I asked her not to rock the cradle with dd in it until we showed her how and she said ok but would go and ask dh and even though he knew how I felt, he would let her overriding me and sd would rock it like she was rocking a stuffed animal.....hard and fast and I would catch the end of it and dd crying and DH oblivious to it all....SD would just smile at me and go play in her room......or dd would end up with little red pinch marks all over her from sd going over and pinching her until she cried (i would be in the bathroom showering or putting away laundry thinking I had left her with DH who then just plopped her in a swing and would sit at the computer or play a playstation game and that's when it would happen..oblivious....I brought this up over and over and was just shussed.....It finally came out that she was really doing it when something else happened to dd that was indirectly sd's fault (to hear dh say it) and I brought up "kinda like when you pinched her in her swing when she was a baby" and sd got really quiet and said "Yeah, like that.....i just felt like doing it so I did it" and DH almost smacked into the car in front of us at the realization I hadn't been lying.......
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I don't know.....coming from a blended family, I knew how to play the game but I didn't learn until I was way way older.....I know when dd is older she will be exposed to hate, meaness, rudeness, behavior that is wrong but she's ONLY 2 and will only be 2 for such a short period of time I don't want her learning all that now.....she is a kind, compassoinate child, who I am told by many is wise beyond her years and I would like to keep her that way as long as possible.....but when she sees her sister doing all of this and getting away with it she's going to think it's ok....I talked with dh last night and told him that we needed to get on the same page about some things bc what was going on now wasn't working. And that he needed to stop talking to her when she's done something wrong like a 16yearold with his chats and such bc that doesn't always work with 6 year olds......sitting down and chatting with a 6yo about what they did wrong and how they could fix it is fine and dandy and if it works with that particular child, fantastic...but if that child ISN"T listening and just sitting there until you shut up and it's evident that they are doing that, you need to change your approach....Am I wrong in thinking this???
I just want us to be the family we were before all of this......and I don't think that's too much to ask.....
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I'm so sorry you didn't get any responses, and even more sorry that your family is having such a hard time.
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