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So frustrated..NEVERMIND.....REPOSTS #9

post #1 of 48
Thread Starter 
:

Ok, I went ahead and reposted but just copied and pasted from another similar group I joined this weekend elsewhere....So, they are somewhat long but it's a look into what a VERY typical weekend with dsd is like.....
I think in the last one, there are replies to some mama's from the board that I just didn't edit out...gives a tad more info....

Yesterday wasn't much better......better, but only slightly and her mother came to pick her up early.....I chatted with her about how she needed to give me a ring and let me know about what time she was coming and not just an I'm here bc I do in home childcare for 2 little girls and a little boy and I am not going to disrupt my day with them (she came at 2 naptimes so naps ended up a bit late) bc she can't give me the courtesy to call and say hey, I'm on my way....she said she'd think about it but I told her you do that...but I will not bend MY day around YOUR schedule bc you won't just leave sd here on our days (it's summer now) and insist on taking her for 6 hours leaving DH with dinner and bed and that's it on the mon and tues we have her...(**they don't have a court order..they did shared parenting with a magistrate**)

Thanks mamas.....
post #2 of 48

I just saw this post for the first time.
I hate it when people read my posts and don't reply. I'm sorry it happened to you.
post #3 of 48
sorry that happened....i know it doesnt feel good but there are others who will do more than read if you feel like expressing yourself again.
for whatever is bothering you and i hope your family is not falling apart.
post #4 of 48
sorry to miss it
post #5 of 48
I'm typing because I just want to say that sometimes I read a post & I don't know how to respond or I don't have any experience with the situation.

I didn't read your original post, but I feel badly that you didn't get the kind of response that you were hoping for. Personally, I've noticed that as a general rule of thumb, most threads get less than 10% of viewers responding. (and that's what I've noticed on another board... I suspect that a board as big as this one; here, it might even be less.)

Sorry that your family situation is not going well. I can relate to that feeling.
post #6 of 48
Don't be offended because your post was viewed and you didn't get a response right away. That happens all over mothering. Especially if your thread title is not specific. I've opened thread that I thought I could offer some insight on, only to find out that the thread was not about what I thought it was. Usually I'll offer a hug or just not reply at all.

This forum in particular does not get much traffic so threads sometimes sit around for days before getting a response. Try again if you need a response.
post #7 of 48
Look at my thread on "what do your DC call their step-parents" it was viewed 356 times with only 26 replies. Please repost your question mama. There are so many great mamas here that may be able to offer you advice, but we can't help you if you don't post your question/situation.
post #8 of 48
I'm so sorry you didn't get any responses, and even more sorry that your family is having such a hard time.

We really, really do want to help! Like a PP said, this board tends to be a bit slower than some of the others, and weekends are the slowest of all (I haven't been on MDC since last week). If you can stand to post it again, I can tell you that I've gotten some good advice here.
post #9 of 48
Thread Starter 
ORIGINAL POST.....

OK, this is more of a mini vent and complaint but I am so...just....argh...

How does he expect us to start acting like the family we are when everytime we get dsd for visitation he lets her stay in her room 90% of the time she's here bc she doens't feel like being out with her sister or I (she's 6.5 and I've been in her life since she was 2) or whatever and THEN, he goes into join her for the rest of the evening.....

I had suggested a game or something out here, as a family......

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT????

She came out to eat dinner and then went and brushed her teeth and got ready for bed and went in her room and he went in there and played games with her and I thought she was all done and in bed and he just went back in bc he's going to read her a few short poems/stories an hour after her bedtime....and got all huffy with me when I asked "isn't she in bed yet???" He's been in there with her for almost 3 hours now....what gives??

DD has ventured in a few times only to be met with go see mommy's and one of the child proof doorknob thingys put on the outside of the door (she learned to open doors last week).....What the heck...so now, she's out her crying.....what am I supposed to tell her???? Daddy doesn't want you in there?? Your sister doesn't want to see you tonight?????

I would say something to him right now but I don't want to make a scene.....at least not tonight...I'm just too tired...DD has had the stomach flu for 5.5 days now and I"m just exhausted from cleaning up vomit and runny poo to want to cause a stink about it...

He just goes on and on how she and I need to get along better (she's a very manipulative child and he has seen some of it) but I love her to death despite that but she has these moments where I don't want her in our house...it's just wrong...but how are we supposed to get along better (her mother told her 2 years ago that she only had to listen to her mother and her father and that was that, her teacher when she started school and nobody else...said that to our faces...) when he allows her to sequester herself in her room the entire time she's here......and then goes IN HER ROOM to spend all the time with her in there (now, I don't have a problem with him spending time with her but not to the exclusion of myself or our daughter which is what happens 99% of the time..)....and the few times he does make her come out she just sits and pouts and I'd rather her just go back to her room....

IDK>..I have tried talking to him about this so many times but I just get met with it's all my fault crap and I'm tired of it.....it's not all my fault....I'm not saying NONE of it is, just not 100% like he would like me to believe....
post #10 of 48
Thread Starter 
Today is no different...

This morning when she woke up I offered her a few choices for breakfast and she put her hands on her hips and said that HER mom said she didn't have to eat breakfast here and I said well, as long as she was in my house, she was going to have something to eat so she started a tantrum and I told her fine, I wasn't going to spend my morning arguing with her about food (her mom is bulemic....or so dh thinks after being with her for 10 years). SO, dh got home and I told him what happened and he asked her in front of me and she pnce again did the hands on the hips thing and said "no, she didn't, she told me that she didn't want to deal with me" and I opened my mouth and WAS SHUSSHED.......so I quietly fumed...He finally got the truth out of her but she wasn't asked to aplogize to me for the behavior and I asked her to tell him she was sorry for lying to him and she halfheartedly said it and he walked over and said I forgive you and that was that..NO consequences for her actions......they are now playing Playstation and have been for 2 hours now....He said, I'm gonna play some games with the girls (dd is just 2) but dd can't play playstation nor do I want her playing them at 2 even if she could...DD is trying to interject herself in and DSD is just complaining up a storm about it bc dd wants to play with her so DH put her in a time out....I went and took her out of time out and she is queitly playing with her farm next to me....

I don't know how to go about talking to him...again....bc it keeps coming out that it's my fault and SHE'S JUST 6 (I've been hearing she's just a certain age since she was 4...)...Well, she's a smart 6 year old who has been masterlly taught the parent game by her mother (divorced child) and DH is just enabling the behavior....There isn't any understanding or compromise from him right now and it's hurting our relationship.....what's left to hurt that is....

I've thought about counseling but it's just not in our budget right now...money is VERY tight as it is....

I just hate feeling so alone in MY house and dd having to fight for attention from anyone other than me......

We just came back from a family vacation but it was more a him and her vacation and a me and dd vacation bc so much was focused on keeping dsd occupied and happy.....

I don't know...I am so not a complainer....but last night and today, make me want to complain and just vent and cry....it's just not right....I come from a divorced family with a stepmother....a stepmother who THREW her own children down the stairs if they didn't obey...I've talked to dsd about my stepmother and how she treated her kids and just ignored my sister and I and would she like me to just ignore her and she said NO (all snotty..lol)....and I talked about how what ppl do sometimes hurts others feelings and how would you feel if someone treated you the way you treat me or your sister and she said she wouldn't like it but there isn't any remorse that comes from her about anything wrong. And that's just sad....in more ways than one.....

I don't have a problem with one on one time, I encourage it most of the time but I do have a problem with all day and most of the night one on one time with both of them practically ignoring dd even if she's in the same room.....right now he's frustrated bc they can't hear the game person saying something...suck it up, it's a game....your child is more important than that....listen to her, pause the freakin game....geez......



Off to play with dd......
post #11 of 48
Thread Starter 
Morning..

Things aren't any better this morning and I just removed myself from the situation....

It was a disaster at the breakfast table and I said something to DH about it and he told me that if I didn't like the behavior that I could just get up and go eat elsewhere (dd was moaning about being asked to eat the waffle she asked for) so I got up and sat on the sofa to cries of dd and then he came over and tossed my waffle on my plate and set the syrup down next to me like I was some poor child....SO I got myself up and sat back at the table...I felt that was inappropriate and childish....and told him so....

I just don't want dd to learn any of this behavior that he is letting happen....there aren't any conseqences for it..



Krissy: They do shared parenting and all the custody and such was done through a mediator/magistrate...We have her EOW and monday/tues/wed am and then her mom has her...so for 5 days she's with us and vise versa...I think *maybe* I would understand the seperating behavior a bit more IF he only saw her EOW like I did my dad but she's here for 5 days straight and it's the same all 5 days....

Sh@un: I have backed up a bit and given them time..I am not against them spending any time together...it's just that when I have backed off (I am not on him constantly about it if that's the impression you get) I don't see him all weekend and he doens't spend time with dd...dsd demands 100% of the time and she will get it if I don't say something and even then, she gets it....

It's not so much buttons perse, it's just that we, both of us, have been trying to get her to act the same when he is here than when he is not here bc I am just tired of saying the same things over and over and over about how her behavior changes like the flick of a lightswitch...he's seen it this weekend so hoepfully a lightbulb is going off....I think I saw a flicker that I"m not the one full of it, as he has originally thought all this time...



It just sucks....it sucks that every weekend she is here it's like this....and it's not getting better bc he isn't listening to any suggestions..I'm not telling him he HAS to do them, just take them under consideration and try.....that's all I'm asking....

He wants us to be this family he keeps talking about but he thinks I should be doing all the work with no compromise from him....it's my fault, I'm being mean.....I could be and have thought about it but that wouldn't do any good....that's not who I am...

As for jumping through hoops, I let her father deal with that...we do let her go hungry if she causes an issue about food and such but dh has to then a few hours later practically force her to eat or she will go 12 hours without eating..and that's not healthy.....but that's part of her mother's eating disorders creeping in and until DH decides to grow some you know what and talk to the PED about it then that aspect will continue....

Just a big mess...I just hope we can navigate our way thought it bc I love this man and I love his little girl...I never wanted children before I met her and she was the sweetest thing (2) and we had a great time together and she loved me.....and I loved her....and now I have dd, whom I also love.....but when you have an ex telling a child that the only ppl she needs to listen to are her mother, father and her teacher now that she's in school it's a constant uphill run.....her stepfather stays out of things 100% and now that they have their own child, I think he will have to pop in things here and there bc he hates the behavior just as much as I do but you can't complain if you just take a backseat bc when the time comes and it will, for you to take a role in her life besides buddy buddy it will be harder....at least that's my opinion.....IDK....

Off to MIL's...fun fun fun...
post #12 of 48
i read your posts but am confused about the ages of the kids. not that that really matters. your dd (with dh) is 2 right? how old is dsd???
i am in a similar situation right now except that dsd doesn't come here anymore other than every month or so to see her brother and hten only for an hour or so. i went through the same things that you are describing and was considered a b*tch b/c i wanted "family time" and didn't want dh spending all his time with dsd each time she came over (don't get me wrong...but they did the same thing...she would be on the computer or in her room the entire time she was here...no interaction or anything). now dh goes to see her every Sunday and tuesday. he doesnt have any interest in changing the schedule (he says he does but does not use ANY opportunity to do so). like, dsd wants to see her baby brother. i think this is the perfect opportunity to bring dsd up for the weekend visit he should have. well, no...and we get into a fight about how he will not take ds3 to dsd's home to "play". duh..NO!!!! i know this may sound selfish to some but i am NOT going to have my son in dsd's mother's house...she (the mom) attempted on more than one occassion to destroy my marriage and my life (TMI)...so...i really feel for you. If dh doesnt' stand up to the plate and play ball with you, its really tough!!!!
and what do you mean that you have removed yourself?
its really unfair to treat his other dd like that too IMHO>

rach
post #13 of 48
Goosy

Btdt! I so relate to what you are talking about.

What I did was disengage totally from the kid. She wants no breakfast? Fine. She wants to stay in her room? Fine. But your dh is the problem. Him abandoning the rest of his family is NOT fine.

So here is what I did. I would bring my babes in to the room and say cheerily- hey dad boys want to play with you and I have to run an errand...be back soon. And hand them off- despite his objections.

Then when I am back I would send them off to be with dad as much as I could. Basically I won't let my dh be oblivious to the hurt he causes our kids when he turns off of them for his prior kids.

I hold my dh responsible for ensuring our family gets some family time- when he allows it to be them and us then I start acting like it is them and us and when he complains I remind him that HE picked this- he usually then puts together a family night.

I would forget her sass talk- you shouldn't have engaged on the breakfast thing- you don't have enough "credit" with her due to your dh to push a meal choice. Instead just let it go. What you can do instead is say "well that is fine but we don't eat again until noon so I hope you don't get hungry" and then don't affer any more food...if she gets hungry remind her that this was her choice and empathise with how sad it is that she is hungry. the following day she will eat. If she isn't hungry well than that is fine.

You can make this but you have stop talking to dh and start just acting. And when dh bails you have to hold him accountable...for example what chores didn't he do while he was in for three hours?
post #14 of 48
It sounds like a very difficult situation, with the real problem having more to do with how things are playing out with your husband, than with your stepdaughter.

He's right - you do all need to recognize that she's only 6.5 - but he's NOT recognizing it from the sounds of it, and is probably not doing her long-term development any favors by catering to her to this degree. She shouldn't have to miss out on a great relationship with her stepmom and her baby sister just because, at 6.5, she has the notion that it's not worthwhile!

MommyMine has some good ideas. I don't know, though: would he end up integrating your dd into the activity if you physically left the house, or would he ignore her/put her in time-out? I hate to be so negative, but the dynamic sounds not-so-good, and I understand you not wanting to see your 2 year old hurt.

Wish I could help...
post #15 of 48
I hope I understood what you were describing enough to give some helpful advice. It sounds like your husband feels guilty and over parents the older daughter and is defensive so doesnt listen to you at all. I hear your frustration and sadness. I am in a blended family and it took me almost a year to realize how defensive i was regarding my dd. A lot of it was in my head - I felt like my husband didnt understand me or my dd - it is a long story of why and how, but looking back I feel i overcompensated with my daughter - would go into her room a lot alone, etc..I think the key hear is to find a way to get close to the daughter - the husband will see the effort and let his gaurd down enough to listen to good advice. Not that you havent been trying, but I have 3 dss with my dh and being their friend first was imperative and slowly they would like me or trust me enough to where I could bring in some discipline. the majority of the discipline is done by their bio-dad though. So I would just let go of some things like making her eat breakfast - offer, but no need to insist, would you make a friend? That is her dads responsibility. Show an interest in things she likes. Get her a cd. It will take time, but slowly squeeze your way into her heart if you can and then the dd will loosen up. He is being overprotective of her and unfortunately it is not doing dsd any good, just spoiling her. A mothers work is never done!
post #16 of 48
I didn't see your OP (haven't been reading here as much recently) but in this situation, MommyMine's advice makes sense. I would say though, 6 is a horrible age (I'm going through this twice at the moment.) It's nearly a big kid, but that sudden growth both physically and in maturity is really hard and scary for a child, so I think your dh is right to cut her a little slack on it.

There is a great post somewhere around here about MAKING errant father/husbands get their act into gear by refusing to enable their behaviour: but I can't remember who wrote it. I'll have a look and post it for you. All of this is stuff that he should be doing.
post #17 of 48
I have a little bit of a different take. If your dh and you have been together since your dsd was 2, then that's 4 years. In most cases that would have given you plenty of time to have bonded and got you in the door early enough that your dsd would not object to receiving instruction from you.

That said, a post or two can't contain everything that's gone on in the last 4 years. My first question is what's going on new at her mom's? When my daughter has attitude with me at my house(she just turned 7) it's always, always, always due to a change at her dad's. I think maybe she feels more comfortable to express herself at my house and hence the attitude comes out because she is frustrated and doesn't really know how to communicate it.

I do sympathize. Try to remeber that you are the adult. This will pass. You have to know that and let that keep you sain. Some disconnect would be appropriate at this point. If you would just stop reacting then maybe she would stop with the attitude a little and you could start to see what's really bothering her. Maybe her role model(her mom) hasn't set a good example for her on how to be close to you.

If she is with you for 5 days don't you have time alone. How does she act during the day while your dh is at work? Can't you find something she likes to do to do with her that might ease the tention? Sorry if you are already doing that, just asking out of curiosity.
post #18 of 48
Thread Starter 
Morning...

Lets see if I can ans some things brought up by ya"ll..

aisrael: dd is 2 and sd is 6.5 if that helps ya. and by removing myself, I removed myself from the food issue but only to a degree.....I just can't let dd learn that not eating and pretending you are ill to get out of eating is an acceptable behavior...she is just at the age where mimicing is golden and is already starting to mimic her older sister in those behaviors and it scares dh and I so he's agreed with me....Sd doesn't feel like eating anymore bc suddenly her throat hurts (only when asked to eat healthy things mind you) or her tummy hurts so DH called her on it and made a doctors appt....she was given the all clear and told it was a behavior issue (which we've known all along and we didnt[ have a problem with it yesterday at all...)...:

mommymine: at the moment I don't drive..I was in a car accident a bit ago and lost my peripheal vision which is not condusive to being able to drive. So, I would love to just hand off dd for a bit and go out and get some things done but I can't.....and even if I did, time would not be spent with her...around her yes, but not with her (this is evident when I go and get a long bath to relax and all I can hear is him yelling NO, stop, don't instead of why don't we do something else......) it is spent doing things for a hobby that he knows he shouldn't do while she is awake bc he just goes in circles with her about not touching things etc......or is spent with SD doing things to the exclusion of dd....It isn't as bad when SD as he will spend time with her but not the amt of time a father should...it's more out of I'll be upset if he doesn't so he does....does that help ya???? I only engaged the breakfast thing bc DH asked me offer her a few things...I did'nt know (neither did he) that I would be met with what I was met with....she did go hungry....and her mother didn't feed her, so she didn't eat until 7pm for dinner ...a full 24 hours AFTER her last meal...that's not healthy and I can't just sit and let her do that....her mother has eating disorders and this child has been aloud to vomit up whatever food she doesn't like or want bc once it hits your stomach you have all the nutrients for it....or you can chew it for as long as you want (turkey sometimes turned into paste) and then you can spit it out bc you at least got the flavor.....and granted, this isn't sd's fault her mother is/was like this but she knows it's not acceptable behavior at our house....told to her by her FATHER and then me.....he always go first and then will back me up..sometimes.....It's just that dd has started to do some of the same things bc she sees SD get away with it and that is not going to happen.....SO, yes, I do get upset about it and it's in those instances that I will not disengage myself from the situation....other times, she can eat whatever and whenever she wants.....her father can deal with the food issues unless they start affecting OUR daughter and then I get involved....

mammaster: I belive the problem is mostly with DH but it's also with sd...she's learned from her parents that this is acceptable behavior.....and it's not.....she's a very selfish child (bc of what she is allowed to get away with and do) and has learned from a very young age how to play the divorced parents game without any kind of conseqences....We don't spank, punish etc...we set guidelines....and I know from experience how hard it is to go back and forth from homes with NO guidelines to a few common sense, very reasonable ones.....but it's not like this is new to her.....the guidelines have been the same the whole time....bedtime is the only thing that changed since she's older now....but SD KNOWS when she is being wrong yet does it bc there are no conseqences for the wrong actions, no redirection from anyone but me, so I am the bad guy but I have dd to think about and learning those behaviors isn't what I would like....does that make sense???? I understand completly that she is 6.5 and I remember what being 6 was like for me (that's how old I was when my parents split and remember visiting him and this mysterious very pregnant woman) but when "she's only 6" is used for every behavior, it gets old and just becomes an excuse to me.....some of the things she does ARE age appropriate, but alot AREN'T and they aren't good.

Flap: there is just too much slack...plain and simple...I am not the only one that thinks this....old childcare providers, mutual friends.......but to her parents they are all just overexaggerating the behaviors.....it's not SD, it's them.

kyangel80: I completly agree...sometime just before she turned 4 things changed...DH blames me but I didn't do anything different around then....we still colored, played dolls, normal things a parent does with a child and then whammo, she came back after a short extended vacay with mom and things were different...she didn't chat with me, didn't want to play anything I suggested, so I let her suggest and it was I just want to be in my room....I wasn't gonna force her to play with me so I just let it be for a bit.....ya can't make a kid like ya again.....esp since you have no idea what her mom is spewing behind your back...the you don't have to listen to or respect anyone but your parents (this was told directly to DH and he thinks it's bullhonkey but doesn't back up the fact that he thinks it's bullhonkey...: Her mom changed jobs last year making it so she was home in the daytime with her instead of gone all day....True, a few posts don't get a whole lot of insight into the past 4 years but it's pretty much been the same save a few times here or there every time SD is here, I become and now DD and I become somewhat invisible, an afterthought. I didnt even delve into how SD treated dd when she was new....pinching, poking, I asked her not to rock the cradle with dd in it until we showed her how and she said ok but would go and ask dh and even though he knew how I felt, he would let her overriding me and sd would rock it like she was rocking a stuffed animal.....hard and fast and I would catch the end of it and dd crying and DH oblivious to it all....SD would just smile at me and go play in her room......or dd would end up with little red pinch marks all over her from sd going over and pinching her until she cried (i would be in the bathroom showering or putting away laundry thinking I had left her with DH who then just plopped her in a swing and would sit at the computer or play a playstation game and that's when it would happen..oblivious....I brought this up over and over and was just shussed.....It finally came out that she was really doing it when something else happened to dd that was indirectly sd's fault (to hear dh say it) and I brought up "kinda like when you pinched her in her swing when she was a baby" and sd got really quiet and said "Yeah, like that.....i just felt like doing it so I did it" and DH almost smacked into the car in front of us at the realization I hadn't been lying....... ......

I don't know.....coming from a blended family, I knew how to play the game but I didn't learn until I was way way older.....I know when dd is older she will be exposed to hate, meaness, rudeness, behavior that is wrong but she's ONLY 2 and will only be 2 for such a short period of time I don't want her learning all that now.....she is a kind, compassoinate child, who I am told by many is wise beyond her years and I would like to keep her that way as long as possible.....but when she sees her sister doing all of this and getting away with it she's going to think it's ok....I talked with dh last night and told him that we needed to get on the same page about some things bc what was going on now wasn't working. And that he needed to stop talking to her when she's done something wrong like a 16yearold with his chats and such bc that doesn't always work with 6 year olds......sitting down and chatting with a 6yo about what they did wrong and how they could fix it is fine and dandy and if it works with that particular child, fantastic...but if that child ISN"T listening and just sitting there until you shut up and it's evident that they are doing that, you need to change your approach....Am I wrong in thinking this???

I just want us to be the family we were before all of this......and I don't think that's too much to ask.....
post #19 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by goosysmom

I just want us to be the family we were before all of this......and I don't think that's too much to ask.....
Well what i just read was "thanks for all the advice but I don't plan on changing anything and we will see if doing it the same helps"

I bet not...I bet if you keep on doing it the same you will keep getting the same result.

In which case I think that your wish- that it be like it was before...is not likely to come true.

But best of luck with it. Tell us how it goes.
post #20 of 48
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyMine
Well what i just read was "thanks for all the advice but I don't plan on changing anything and we will see if doing it the same helps"

I bet not...I bet if you keep on doing it the same you will keep getting the same result.

In which case I think that your wish- that it be like it was before...is not likely to come true.

But best of luck with it. Tell us how it goes.
WOW, that is NOT what I get by reading that or writing that and when I read your reply my heart just sunk!!! :

Where do I say that I won't be taking the advice??????

Where do I say that I don't plan on changing anything......?????

I am already doing alot of what was suggested....not all, but alot....but my main issue is getting DH on board with changing too bc I can't do all the change.....and be met with resistance.....I'm not asking him to be 100% different, just to try to help me, help us, get back to the family we once were before something went all wonky, haywire, whatever word you choose to use......AND NO, I DON'T THAT'S TOO MUCH TO ASK.....but I can't be the ONLY one to change....I stated that I do for the most part disengage except when my dd starts to mimic the behavior and then I step in if nothing is being down about it...I WILL not let my 2yo stop eating her food bc her sister does and then wait for her to eat again when her sister does 12 hours later.....I WILL not let my 2yo think it's ok to bully people, not be nice to them, slam doors in their faces bc her sister does it without so much of a you can't do that said to her......and I don't think I should...it's the only part of things that I have any support from DH from...

But nowhere in my post did I say I wouldn't try to incorportate anything that was suggested to me......I just can't do it alone...that's what I am doing now and THAT'S WHAT'S NOT WORKING.......
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