So frustrated..NEVERMIND.....REPOSTS #9 - Page 3

[MommyMine]

I don't aim to have a nuclear family, I am to have a functioning step family- and I do now. They are not my kids. They are my dh's kids (my skids). I don't see any issue in acknowledging the obvious.

My oldest (teen) gets the same "it might be sad for you" I don't say it mean...more sorrowful...and it has worked well for me. I think there are a TON of other things you can do but the key is to use as consequences things YOU can control and the problem with being an unsupported step parent is you can only control things YOU do- not say ground them. So you can't come up with an immediate consequences usually. But life is like that often too-consequenses come from our action and usually later on. and sometimes the fear of what it could be motivates changes when often I have no idea how it might be sad for them until time tells me. Honestly at this point skids and rarely need to have an Uh Oh moment. They get it. I get it, we have an understanding.

[flapjack]

Originally Posted by mammastar2

And hey, the end result you're going for is a functioning family unit that includes everyone in it on fair and equal terms, so it's probably a good idea to watch the "MY kid" vs "skid" distinctions.

Is it???
I've never made that assumption that my family has to involve everyone on fair and equal terms, and all the kids in my house are mine biologically. Their needs are met, but at different times children have different needs. The thing is, goosysmom's needs aren't being met, her dd's needs aren't being met, her sd's needs (particularly for stability and firm boundaries) aren't being met- it's not a good place for anyone.

[mammastar2]

Originally Posted by flapjack

Is it???
I've never made that assumption that my family has to involve everyone on fair and equal terms, and all the kids in my house are mine biologically. Their needs are met, but at different times children have different needs. The thing is, goosysmom's needs aren't being met, her dd's needs aren't being met, her sd's needs (particularly for stability and firm boundaries) aren't being met- it's not a good place for anyone.

I've never assumed "fair and equal" to mean "the same."

[aisraeltax]

how are things? did you speak to your dh?

do you have a plan for what happens if he doesnt acknowledge whats going on?

i hope you have some support IRL b/c i believe your dd is being treated unfairly and perhaps your dh just needs a wake up call to realize the severity of the situation.

let us know how you are doing.

[jennaIL]

Gianna,

I got your PM and didn't respond right away because I really wanted to think about this. As you know, I don't agree with the total disengaging method. Also, I haven't been in a situation exactly like yours, but I have been just as frustrated with different issues. I hope things are going better now, but if not, here are a few suggestions. Take them as you please!

Based on your posts, it appears you are very frustrated with the way your family dynamics are when your dsd is in your home. Sounds like things are comfortable for the three of you when she is at her mom's. It also sounds like there is friction between the expectations of you and your dh. Am I right so far??

If so, this is what I suggest...

First, RELAX. Try not to stress over what's going to happen when your dsd has time in your home. Just go with the flow and try to accept whatever happens during this time in stride.

Second, EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T AGREE with the way your husband is parenting, try doing things his way for one week that your dsd is in your home. Give it a week. Occupy your bio child and make your own fun. After all, if you expect him to try things your way, you might as well give his way a try. This is defenitely not an idea situation, but I think doing this may cause the type of changes you are hoping to see. If you just don't stress over it for a few days, I think you and your dh can have a civil conversation about things once dsd is back at her mom's. Your dh will probably respect you more because you haven't been grumpy about the situation. He'll probably be much more likely to listen to your point of view.

Third, Once your dsd is at her mom's... have a grown up conversation with your dh (if he'll cooperate!). Let him know that you were happy with the lack of arguing and overall frustrating that had been happening, but missed him because he didn't spend much time with you and your bio child. Maybe the two of you can plan ways to incorporate a combination of alone time for dh and dsd and then family time for the four of you. I think "weaning" him from his behavior is going to be more productive than just expecting him to change overnight. This is obviously going to be an adjustment for all of you.

Like I said, take my suggestions or leave them. Unlike what SuperNanny believes, no answer will work for everyone or every family.

Good luck and let us know how things work out!
Take care,

[Wugmama]

s Sorry things are so tough for all of you at home!

I just wanted to invite you over to the Gentle Discipline forum. I don't see why only us without dsc should benefit from that great forum! I've learned so much over there - some stuff has been pretty helpful! Check it out sometime!

Best wishes for all four of you,
Tracy

[mammastar2]

How's it going?

[luckycherry25]

Originally Posted by 777

I hope I understood what you were describing enough to give some helpful advice. It sounds like your husband feels guilty and over parents the older daughter and is defensive so doesnt listen to you at all. I hear your frustration and sadness. I am in a blended family and it took me almost a year to realize how defensive i was regarding my dd. A lot of it was in my head - I felt like my husband didnt understand me or my dd - it is a long story of why and how, but looking back I feel i overcompensated with my daughter - would go into her room a lot alone, etc..

My situation is similar. I have a 9.5 DSS, a 6.5 DS and a 7m/o DD. He has "dad guilt" and treats the boys differently. DSS recognizes they're treated differently and uses this to his advantage. when there's a comotion, DH bolts into the room to rectify the problem, looks right at my DS and punishes, no questions asked. DSS sits and smirks, he was doing the same thing. This has become a terrible pattern.
I see my DS trying to get the affection and attention he craves from DH but he feels guilty. My DS resorts to neg. behavior to get SOME attention,any attention. It's so hertbreaking! I've brought it up SOOOO many times to DH.
Just last night he came home,kissed the baby and said nothing to me. I keep asking what's wrong and he says"I don't know". He left to work on one of our apartments. he's been doing this for the past 2 weeks. he's invited me to come help him. This morning, he left w/out kissing me. I called his cell and asked what was up. He said we have some serious issues, namely we don't like the way we're raising our respective children. I asked for specifics and he said he didn't really have any. I asked what we could do about this, he wasn't sure we couyld and didn't have time to talk about it. I asked if we were doomed, he didn't know. I think his son is mean and very manipulitive, he thinks mine is annoying. he doesn't want my DS to grow up to be a loser like his father and " doesn't want to be his parent when he gets older. DS doesn't really see his dad and looks to DH as the dad figure. DH just can't seem to be what DS wants him to be , although he sees him being that way to his own son. I calmly explain how DS is feeling and how it hurts him. He just can't get around his own Dad Guilt. DSS has this house and his mom 5 minutes away. he's here and there at will, mostly weekends. DH has all 3 kids while I work and he plays "super Dad".He's not a Bad guy,or father. He just has these problems on some days.