Expecting #2, DH NOT HAPPY

[Mother Mel]

Hi, just wondering if anyone out there is/has experienced this. Our DD is 3 1/2 years old and still BF'ing and I sleep with her. I have been charting as both a birth control method and for TTC. Only, I was sure I wanted another child and DH - who's 46 this year (I'm 11 years younger) - wasn't sure. Though he made NO steps to prevent anything. He'd ask me if I thought I was safe, and I'd say, possibly, but possibly not. Only 1 way to be sure, and that's not to do it, I'd tell him. Well I guess he finally lost at russian roulette and is now saying I trapped him (!) : and is barely speaking to me. I'm to keep this a secret b/c he doesn't want anyone to bug him about being an old dad. I'm sure he'll eventually snap out of it, but all the secrets - as if I'm not going to tell my mom or my closest girlfriends!! - are just ridiculous. I think maybe he's partly bummed b/c he's not as bonded with DD as he probably figured he would be, but IMO, it's b/c he works all the time and is "too tired" to put in much effort with her when he gets home. Understandably then, she is very attached to me but can take or leave daddy. I mean, he can't even put her to bed. Sad.

[NCMomworld]

I am so sorry he's being so unreasonable! My dh wasn't as connected with my first dd, but after baby number 2 (ds) he got *much* better. He had to take over a lot of dd #1's care for those first weeks - that helped a lot with their relationship. He also has a very strong bond with our ds. I attribute it to the fact that I had a rough delivery with him, so dh took him and walked him around (we were at a free standing birth center) for over an hour right after he was born so I could nap. It was a very bonding situation for them and he really stepped up when things were tough for me. There's hope!

As far as not telling anyone - Maybe you could just tell him that you need someone to be happy about this pregnancy with you and if he won't do it then you're going to find other people to support you.

I hope everything works out quickly

[Gray's Mommy]

I'm sorry that he is adding to your stress right now. Maybe it is just too much for him to take in at this time...he will be a dad of 2!! I say, if you want to share your news, then share it. He'll just have to face up to being an older dad soon enough-I would rather get it out of the way than deal with it later on

We use NFP also & co slept with our son for about 4 years. He was ready to move into his own bed, so we let him. Now, I normally do the bedtime routine since DH's job has him working graveyards...I am home & he isn't. It is just normal for us now. I also told my DH the same thing about my charts-

I hope you DH will be able to enjoy your joy for the pregnancy pretty quickly. This is a special time for you!!!

[octobermom]

Well we deffiently have much in common I have a 3.5 year old (oct 02) she actually JUST recently self weaned at 3 years 7 months but it was on her own she also sleeps in her own room (but is welcomed in ours) DH and I are 13 years apart I'm 29 hes 42 We have been activitly TC for almost 3 years. My DH is thrilled though I'm pregant. Hes looking foaward to colspping witha little one again I be having a new nursing to beig the proud older daddy..

[velveeta]

Oh, Sweetie! It is so hard! I hope I am not crashing. I normally post in January, but am due on the 25th, so I hope I can come here, too.

I want to offer you *C*O*N*G*R*A*T*U*L*A*T*I*O*N*S*! on your pregnancy. I hope it is fun and healthy for you. Your emotions go up and down, and hopefully your DH's will, too, and he will come to accept this pregnancy.

Your DH knew the score and he could have used a condom or pulled out. YOU DID NOT TRAP HIM!!! And BTW, "trap" him into what, marriage? Our baby was a surprise for us, and we both have experienced a big range of emotions.

We are like you, sleeping with our 3 yo DS. Please hang in there. And post here as much as you can for support. We think you are doing great!

And about the older dad -- what is more virile and young than a fertile older man who can get his young wife pregnant? Yeah, Baby!

[ollineeba]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!! That is something to be celebrated!
I hope your DH comes around.. maybe it will just take a little time for it to sink in. It will be a great chance for him to bond with your older daughter~ there are going to be times when you will need to be with the baby and maybe he will be able to help out more.

Definitely tell your friends, though, (or family) you need the support!

[ekblad9]

Big hugs and congratulations! My dh freaks out every time! He acts like he has no idea how this could have happened. He does the charting! Hello! I just think it's hard for guys to get excited about it. It's not in their body so they're not completely attached yet, KWIM? And you must tell your friends and mother! I tell dh that he can tell/not tell whomever he wishes my friends and parents will know.

Good luck!

[Mother Mel]

thank you, everyone for your kind words and congratulations! We talked more about it last night and he's being even more unreasonable now. He actually wanted me to wait till I'm 12 weeks before I tell my Mom. Right! (I told her last night, she's very excited!!) Now, after a very healthy/happy midwife/homebirth for DD, he actually wants a doctor and hospital treatment for #2!!!!! WHAT?! He says he doesn't want some man-hating lesbian treating our family. WHAT?! He says that I wouldn't have noticed the way the midwife treated him b/c I'm a woman and I'm not sensitive to that. Up until *yesterday* I was under the impression that he was SO happy with our care with DD. He still talks about how much love was in the room when she was born. Unfortunately, there are only 2 midwives in town, and the other one also has a "questionable" lifestyle. The only other midwife option is driving 1 hour to the next town for midwife care. But still, he figures midwives are of the alternate lifestyle and he wants a dr. this time. Well, I told him, it's my body and I want a midwife. He'll just have to deal with it.
I don't need this stress right now!!!!:

[ekblad9]

Wow! He's a tough one! I'm so sorry! My dh freaked about the m/w we had last time but only because we had to pay out of pocket. A hospital birth would have been covered by insurance. I told him too bad and that I would either have an unassisted or a midwife homebirth but I would not be going to the hospital. He got over it after a while. Is money an issue for your dh? It sounds like there's underlying issues here that he's not telling you. Instead he's just taking it out on you and that's not fair. Is he the sole provider? Sometimes men freak out about a new baby when they are worried about their job or money. I know my dh is like that.

[Mother Mel]

No, it's not a money issue about the midwife, as they're covered by medical where I live, lucky us! He's making it an issue about money in the larger sense, but we own our business which we both work at. So he'll have to pay someone for the 20 hours/week that I work, big deal. The maternity leave paymts will more than cover any loss we'll feel there. He just likes to panic about stuff, always worried about something. He thinks we're heading into 3 more years of fretting over babe's health and 3 more years of no adult relationship for us. Well. My rebuttal to that is that if it wasn't for his ridiculous schedule, we would have a relationship. He's up at 4 am and asleep by 8 or 9 pm, usually before I get DD to sleep. If he takes an afternoon nap, he does it after DD's nap, and still falls asleep early. Sorry, but I'm not getting up at 4 am!! Man, i'm really ranting here, aren't I? Sorry everyone. I'm just really frustrated!!:

[ekblad9]

I'm so sorry I wish I could help in some way. Maybe as time goes on he will lighten up. Big hugs to you!