What would you do if your 5 yr old was...

[ilex]

standing outside of the bedroom door screaming and banging a toy piano while you tried to put her 20 month old brother back to sleep? Me? I jumped up after it wouldn't end and ds was NOT going back to sleep, and completely lost it. Which I DO realize was wrong but I was furious (not that I am justifying it, I just was furious). She is five. There is absolutely no way she didn't know that was completely wrong. I still don't get it. As I was lying there listening to her yell and pound incessantly and PRAYING that she would stop I was trying to think of ways to deal with it, but I just exploded when it happened. bah.

She was preoccupied, she was on studydog, we had just been working together for the last hour, so she wasn't desperate for time with me.

After I cooled down we talked a good talk about respecting the other people in our house and how important it was to let her brother have his nap, and that when he is sleeping we can have our one on one time together so it is important to let me try to put him back to sleep when he wakes up...and on...and she seemed to understand...BUT I am still shocked that she did this and I am wondering how anyone else may have dealt with it. And this seems to be a recurring problem with his naps. If I don't have something completely talking up her attention (like tv) she will come in the room ten times or be loud and disruptive. Not as bad as today, but it is still a problem. I know she doesn't like being *by herself* but she knows I will be out in a minute, it happens every day!!!

Help.

[marsupial*mama]

If it reaches the point of frustration I will often just let the older child be there in the room doing a quiet activity like reading a book or just listening. So long as s/he can show me how quiet s/he can be, I'm fine with that - although, unless it's something you habitually do, it might be a distraction for the 20mth old. I do recall a time when this didn't work for us.

I will often set older child/ren up with a platter of food or playdoh, or a DVD and warn that I need 30 minutes of quiet time to get toddler to sleep.

The most essential part is prior warning that they must entertain themselves for that period of time and not interrupt. It still happens - to tattletale, to ask for something (immediate gratification) or just to hide out from the other children if one isn't getting his/her way. If I do a surprise disappearance to do the bedtime routine, I'm more likely to be interrupted unintentionally. So I give warning, about 10 minutes in advance, then 5, then 2 then tell them where I'm going and what I'm doing and what I need from them.


Don't feel bad about using whatever tactics work for you at these times. In a perfect world, there would be other adults in our community to help out.

[chfriend]

My 5.8 year old has no idea how loud she is. And she tends to be louder and more in need of attention *after* computer time. This is why dd2 goes down on the couch while dd1 is read to or talked to...all in the same room.

Would that work for you...or does dd2 need one-on-one and quiet to get to sleep?

[ilex]

Thanks for your responses

marsupial*mom, thank you for the suggestions. I have tried having her in the same room with me and I do prefer that, but she often gets rowdy and can't sit still long enough and is longing to go and play, so it often doesn't work. I do prepare her ahead of time, it is just that my ds sometimes wakes up after 45 min or an hour and needs to be put back to sleep and that is when she often acts up. Usually I guess because his waking up has interrupted whatever we are doing, BUT she is five, isn't this old enough to know that such an action as she did is unacceptable and wrong? Am I expecting too much?

chfriend, no this would never work. My ds needs complete time away and quiet to go to sleep, always has. That is interesting about your dd though. Sometimes I just can't figure it out. If she should be able to understand one thing and not another, or does sometimes and not other times...It is difficult at this age because I think I expect a lot from her , when maybe I shouldn't.

[Piglet68]

Just the other day DS had fallen asleep in the car and we were at our destination, and I was so happy when I got him transferred to the stroller without waking him. Then a few feet from the car I realized I'd left something in it, so I left DD with DS and as I get to the car I hear screeching and see DD screeching right in his face while he's asleep.

Before I could stop myself I yelled "DD! Stop that right now!" and then proceeded to lecture her all the way inside.

I really hate that I did that. That is so NOT how I want to parent. But I tell ya, the idea of someone deliberately waking your sleeping babe seems to raise as much mama bear in me as babe being hurt. So I totally understand how crazy mad it must have made you.

I have found that the best way to handle these things is to not let the child see you upset, but rather be calm and then tell them short and sweet that you need them to be quiet when you are putting the younger one to bed and next time you expect there to be no piano banging, etc. Later on bring it up and talk about it as you say you did.

I know it's really really hard to stay calm during such things, but I have found that if I react in anger, either scolding, lecturing angrily, etc...then it becomes this "tool" she has and she will use it to get a reaction from me rather than seeking more effective means of communicating with me. If I don't overreact, then it loses its "power" that way.

[oceanbaby]

Been there, done that. Some days I managed to be totally cool and calm and in control, and others, well, not. It just took a lot of calm talking to come to the point where ds1 now almost always is respectful and quiet while I am trying to put ds2 down. Ds1 decided he likes to be in the room while I'm putting ds2 down, and usually reads books or just stares at the ceiling for awhile. Otherwise I make sure to explain to him that I am going to put ds2 down for a nap now, and ask ds1 if there is anything he needs before I go into the bedroom for awhile, reminding him that we need to be quiet until I am done.

[ilex]

Piglet...that is so very true, and you know I hadn't thought of it in the way you described, about her using my anger as a tool, but of course she would! And I KNOW that whenever I speak angrily to her or scold her or chastise her about something, it isn't sinking in, it really isn't. She is just hearing with a few words thrown in, and usually not the ones I want her to take in... And when I speak calmly, intelligently, and respectfully it almost always has a positive effect, almost always she remembers so much better than if I was to yell it at her. Funny I fully comprehend and KNOW that, and yet here I am...anger makes me forget. Thank you for the reminder. Sometimes we all lose our heads, and maybe she did in that moment(as did I), maybe I am expecting too much from her and not enough from myself. And I do realize that my reaction is the most important aspect to consider here, not why she did what she did, but how I can change the way I am reacting which will perhaps change the way she is reacting in the future.

oceanbaby, I think I may try that again. Maybe set her up with a book or book on tape that she can listen to while I am putting him to sleep. And if not then I will remind her clearly that she needs to be quiet. I really need to find a better solution than the current fiasco.

[Ruthla]

I just want to offer you a and let you know that I'd probably have reacted the same way that you did today! Plus I'd probably confiscate the noisy toy!

Good luck in figuring out a gentler solution.

[ilex]

[QUOTE=Ruthla]I just want to offer you a and let you know that I'd probably have reacted the same way that you did today! Plus I'd probably confiscate the noisy toy!/QUOTE]

I put it in the closet. Thanks for the hug.

[mamaduck]

This was the hardest thing *ever* when my 2nd child was a baby! Older ds was 4 though. Still old enough that I really believed he should know better.

The thing that finally worked (sorry, I know I have posted this before) was to have him make a "sign" for my bedroom door. We bought a wooden door knob hanger from the craft store, and he chose paint colors and little things to glue on it. I told him that one side of the hanger needed to be a reminder that it was time to be quiet, and stay out of the room. The other side needed to tell him that it was okay to come in and be loud. So he painted one side dark with stars, and the other side light with a sunshine and clouds. When I was tending baby brother, I turned the sign around. More than once I would hear the pounding of big brother's feet come to a sudden halt outside the door, then a long pause, then tip-toeing quietly away again....

[straighthaircurly]

Mamaduck, very cool idea! I only have one child but I am sure to think of some other way to use this.