My two year old wants to smoke.

[kayabrink]

That's right. I mean, he wants it like he wants cookies. We live 8 months with my parents, and 4 months with dh's every year. We just moved back in with the inlaws. mil smokes a ton, in the house, while we're eating etc. There is nothing I can do about the smoking. mil's house, her rules. no we can't live anywhere else. But ds has decided it is the best thing in the world to smoke. He's figured out how to work lighters and I'm actually following him around 24/7 in case he finds a cigarette (mil has several packs around at all times).
I want to have a serious talk with ds about smoking, but have no idea how to approach it. "Cigarettes can kill you". Great. Like a two year old gets death. And even if he does, he'll assume his grand mother is going to die. What should I do? I don't want to lie or freak him out too much. but I used to smoke and I know how hard it is to quit. Yeah, I also realize that it's not because he thinks it's cool at two that he'll smoke as an adult, but if you saw your two year old running around with a cigarette (not lit! just to be clear) in his mouth, you'd probably freak too.

[chfriend]

I'd treat it like a choking hazard. "not for your mouth, honey." I wouldn't get into the cancer stuff until later on.

[boongirl]

Your choices are to tell your son the medical truth about smoking cigarettes and risk offending your mother or hide the truth and risk your son viewing smoking as acceptable. I would chose the first one. Tell him truthfully that cigarettes are dried up tobacco leaves, rolled into a little piece of paper and when lit on fire people inhale the smoke which causes them to feel a little better. The cigarettes are full of nasty stuff like heavy metals. They cause lung disease, among other health problems. I could go on and on. Tell your son the truth and don't worry about him repeating the facts to your mil. If you really cannot move, then trying to get your mil to stop smoking or at least smoke only when outside will be one of the greatest gifts you can give your son. She is exposing him to toxins that are known to cause cancer. So what if he repeats what he knows to her - maybe it will get her to stop. And, cigarettes don't kill you - the effects of smoking are what kills you. Tell your son that grandma is damaging her lungs and heart. Repeating that is truthful and easy for a 2 year old to understand. Grandma is doing something that makes her feel good but is actually hurting her insides. Kind of like bouncing on the bed is fun but could lead to broken bones if you fall. There are all sorts of things in life that make us feel good but are actually dangerous to do.

There are TONS of anti-smoking websites out there. Here is one from WA state, where I live. The cost of smoking part is interesting as it will definitely open your mil's eyes to how much she has been spending.


Additional resources to help her quit:

Tobacco Free Nurses - the first national program focused on helping nurses and student nurses to stop smoking
www.tobaccofreenurses.org/

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention - Tobacco Information and Prevention Source
www.cdc.gov/tobacco/

Surgeon General - 'You Can Quit Smoking' Consumer Guide
www.surgeongeneral.gov/tobacco/default.htm

American Lung Association - Tobacco Control
www.lungusa.org/tobacco/

American Cancer Society - Guide to Quitting Smoking
www.cancer.org

Quitnet.com - Savings Calculator
www.quitnet.com

Smokefree.gov - Dictionary
www.smokefree.gov/dictionary.html

Quitnet.com - 'Quitticisms' (Quitting terms & phrases)
www.quitnet.com/library/quitticisms.jtml

[kayabrink]

I've been saying "not for babies", but he'll say things like (standing on a stool) " Now I'm grown up because I'm big, so now I'm gonna have my cigarette"
I'll try Not for your mouth, you cant really argue with that one. Well, actually, whenever I do say not to do something he says "no, I do it because I like it". Ahh, nothing like trying to reason with a two year old. They have their own rules of logic.

[kayabrink]

I can only say about mil quitting that she doesn't give a f... about anything. Her daughter was rendered temporarily deaf due to repeated ear infections (like, one every two weeks), which resulted in her being severly speech delayed. Did mil quit smoking? no. Dh and mil are fighting like cats and dogs about it. Mil's ultimate logic is "you have to die of something" I cannot tolerate having discussions with her as she does not respond to reason or logic.
Also, i'm not worried about offending her- I speak english to ds and she speaks only french. but ds is sensitive to issues of illness and death (I once had to attempt to save a fly caught in a spider's web because "The fly is saying help help I don't want to be ate". ) I don't want ds to think (even though, yes, I know it's probably the truth) that mil is gonna die off soon.

[fromscatteredtribe]

my mom smokes A LOT and smoked around me when I was little but not around the grandbabies now. she's been smoking for almost 40 years and she knows it is terrible but she won't quit. we can't always escape the smoke when she visits, but she does not smoke inside around us.

the kids have had the don't pretend smoke talk and asked granma why she does it, etc. i tell them it it terrible.

this is my gut reaction. this is what i would do:
YOU AND YOUR SON, day or night, cold or hot, in the middle of a conversation or in your beds or playing a a game or eating (whatever) GET UP AND WALK OUTSIDE every SINGLE time she lights up. say the same thing every single time. something like , "the air is not safe when there is smoke, let's go baby" with or wothout shoes or clothes on....you get up and go. maybe she won't quit but she will ALWAYS be ALONE when she smokes!

just my thought! it would be hard, but effective at least!

[sadie_sabot]

I like that idea; it would also model for your son how dangerous it is...and that you are protecting him and yourself...and it's not being judgemental of your MIL, evne though she may take it that way.

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by fromscatteredtribe

this is my gut reaction. this is what i would do:
YOU AND YOUR SON, day or night, cold or hot, in the middle of a conversation or in your beds or playing a a game or eating (whatever) GET UP AND WALK OUTSIDE every SINGLE time she lights up. say the same thing every single time. something like , "the air is not safe when there is smoke, let's go baby" with or wothout shoes or clothes on....you get up and go. maybe she won't quit but she will ALWAYS be ALONE when she smokes!

just my thought! it would be hard, but effective at least!

I like that idea too! In fact that is for sure what I would do. I get seriously anxious anytime dd is exposed to cigarette smoke. I couldn't imagine having to live with someone that smokes in the house. I feel for you.

[cuddleluvinma]

i like the going out side thing and the "it's noy for your mouth"thing. good luck.

[peilover010202]

I like the going outside idea too, or at minimum could you and ds go to your bedroom while she is smoking? Then you have the chance to tell him several times a day WHY smoking isn't safe.

We have several people on dh's side of the family who smoke (thankfully not in their homes and not in ours) but for awhile ds was fascinated with it. I told ds (he was 2 at the time) that smoking makes your lungs very sick. He got the "sick" part and now he tells his great-Aunt especially that " 'moke makes you sick." Now, if she could just get through her head :

[JoyofBirth]

I think the leaving thing sounds good. I ended up with terrible lung issues because my parents smoked when I was young. They quit when I was like 11, but the damage was done. As someone who has suffered the effects of seconod hand smoke, there's no way in H*** anyone will ever smoke around one of my babies. That's incredibly selfish that she wouldn't even consider her ownn child's health and now puttinng your child at risk. I would probably end up being dramatic about leaving, but that may nont be wise. But I would seriously grab my child like a train was coming at us and say we've gotta get outa here, this smoke is so bad for us. Also, tell him that he is only 2 and you get to make decisions for him about things like smoking. Tell him the law says he has to be 18 years old to smoke and he and you could go to jail for breakingn the law and at that point he can decide. It doesn't matter how big he is, it matters how many years old he is. That's what we told my 3-year-old niece who wants her belly pierced and says she can because her dad's a piercer.

[celrae]

My girls developed an interest in smoking and I caught them pretending to do so a couple of times. I called both grandma's (smokers) and told them that they needed to talk with the girls about the dangers of smoking. They were embarrassed, told me they were sorry for the bad influence and talked to the girls like I asked. The mimicking never happened again and the girls now tell me how bad smoking is every time they see someone doing it. I wish you luck -- this situation is even harder when you live with the person.

[the_queen]

Maybe you could also focus on the "icky" aspects? eg "it stinks" "it makes your fingers go yellow" "it give you bad breath" etc etc. All facts. Probably will insult the MIL but IMO smokers leave themselves open to this kind of "criticism". Don't like being told you stink? Don't smoke!

[IncaMama]

i agree, get up and leave...not just to make a point, though that is also a good reason in and of itself, but because it is obviously very dangerous to be around the smoke no matter what. i'm so sorry MIL is so uncaring re: her family members' and her own health.

[ColeysMama]

The going out thing is really good. Also, you could tell him that it's "yucky" or will make him sick. Go into some detail... "you'll cough, your throat will hurt, your eyes will hurt," etc.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by michelemiller

i agree, get up and leave...not just to make a point, though that is also a good reason in and of itself, but because it is obviously very dangerous to be around the smoke no matter what. i'm so sorry MIL is so uncaring re: her family members' and her own health.

My first thought was "Move. And then don't bring him around MIL when she's smoking." Maybe that's not realistic for you, though. I had trouble getting my mind past that point because even if he's not in the room when she's smoking, the smoke lingers and he gets the effect of it.

Walking outside every time and being very vocal about it is a good idea if moving isn't an option. He needs to know that this is absolutely not okay and, you're right, he's not going to get the enormity of it at 2 years old. Seriously, though, I'd be very vocal about my disapproval and wouldn't give a crap about offending MIL. She's putting your son in serious danger. Why should you care about offending her?

[Roar]

I think you've got a few different issues. I think the most pressing relates to the availability of lighters. They need to be kept your son can't get them. Period.

As far as his interest in smoking I would simply say "cigarettes make kids sick and you may not touch them" and then relocate him (or the cigarettes) everytime as needed.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Poor baby having to breath in all that second hand smoke I would get up and leave with him every time she lights one up and I would tell him how awfull it is and that it is nasty. I already do that with my 2 every time we pass a smoker.

I dont know how u do it honestly if I even see someone smoking outside of a store I will find a way to go past them without being close or I dont go in. That is how paranoid I am about my kids and cig. smoke :Puke I am sorry u r stuck in this situation were ur son is not really safe.

The last thing I would worry about is offending ur mil she is endangering ur childs life and long term health not to mention ur health as well. So what do her hurt feeling mean :

Honestly I would take my kids and live in a homeless shelter before I would live in a house with a smoker. I know that is extreme but the alternative could be far worse in the long run for them.

[tash11]

Originally Posted by kayabrink

....I'll try Not for your mouth, you cant really argue with that one. Well, actually, whenever I do say not to do something he says "no, I do it because I like it". Ahh, nothing like trying to reason with a two year old. They have their own rules of logic.

try that with your mil! you'll prolly get the same logic!

[manitoba_mommy]

If you can not move you are going to have to leave the house for most of the day. Cultivate friendships and live at the park. Anything other then that constant toxic exposure.

I know you said that you can not live anywhere else, but maybe you need to find something for the next time this time of year comes around. Even a bachelor appartment and you getting a part time job to fund it is better then that kind of enviroment.