stealing?? :-(

[houseofstrauss]

Oh dear. I'm really not sure how to handle this one, so could use some advice.

I was in a garden centre with dd today (she's 5), when we went in she asked if it was the shop that sold the toys (it has a small selection) and I told her it was, but that I was only going in to buy some seeds for the garden.

She's a typical 5 year old I guess - always asks just to see if she can get (!) but I have never been the sort of parent to buy her whatever she wants, I don't buy her cheap gimmicky things that fall apart after one use and support the sweat shops, but I can sense if there is something she really would like and we usually come to some sort of arrangement over it.

Anyhow, I got her back to the car and mama intuition cut in. I just *knew* that she had taken something. I didn't confront it there because tbh, i didn't know what to say / how to act.

We drove home, I stopped the car and said 'is there anything you would like to tell me about being in the shop just then?' - She's a smart girl and gave me a 'have I been rumbled' look and said No.

We got in the house, by this stage I had heard the sound of a plastic wrapper in her pocket and she went upstairs very quietly to her room. I figured she was going to either hide her treasure or just play with it.

I went upstairs a few moments later and heard her hiding it away under her bedclothes, so I sat on the sofa and asked her gently to come to me. She asked me why and I said 'just come to me honey'. She asked if it was for a cuddle and I said yes, and that I needed to talk to her about something.

Anyway, I asked her outright if she had taken something from the shop. She said she had and I asked her why. 'Would you have bought it for me if I had asked?' she replied.
I asked her to show me what she got - it was a 49p plastic kaleidoscope type thing and a 1.99 wooden chicken. So I told her that it was wrong to take things that didn't belong to us, no matter how much we wanted them.

She kind of didn't take this as very serious and asked if she could take them to show her friends at school tomorrow. I said 'No' they don't belong to you because we didn't pay for them.

So anyway, long story shortish; I'm not sure i handled it well. She asked me if I was going to get angry and I said no. And the outcome is that I said we needed to return to the store tomorrow; she needed to go to the man and say she was sorry and pay for the toys. That money would be the money I would have spent on her Friday night treat for the next two weeks (which is her choice of chocolate bar and crisps) so she has to go without the Friday night goodies for a fortnight.

I feel good I didn't get mad or humiliate her, but i don't think she understand the seriousness of what she did. Dh, although supportive and has said nothing in front of her thinks I might have messed up a little by saying we had to go back to pay - I should have made her take them back and leave them there..........
The biggest issue I think, is that she was clearly, being quite calculating in the whole affair - she KNEW she had done something wrong but did not admit it to me when I asked her if there was something she wanted to tell me. On reflection, perhaps that is adult language and I should have asked outright if she had taken anything........

<sigh>
Any thoughts on how to deal with this if it comes up again - I rather sense the Univsere IS going to send it to me again :-D

Rae x

[Joannarachel]

Firstly, I think you handled it splendidly, in keeping your temper and not 'punishing'. You've made it so that she knows you are safe to come to, even when she has done something you oughtn't to do.

I will agree with your husband in one respect. I would have made her return the items. By allowing her to pay for and keep them, it sends the message that the next time she wants something she knows you won't allow her to have, if she steals it, she will be allowed to ultimately have it.

My solution would to be either to return them with a sincere apology, or pay for them with a sincere apology and donate them to a homeless shelter. Either way, I would not reward her for stealing them by keeping them.

When I was seven I stole potpourri from a craft store. I did NOT turn into a career criminal, so no worries, mama

[rmzbm]

I think you did great!

[mamaduck]

I think you did very well too. The one caution I have is that you should probably call the store ahead of time to give the manager a head's up, and try to get a feel for how he will react. It would be awful if he was cruel to her. Sometimes store clerks will think you expect them to "put the fear of god" into your child. I assume that isn't what you want. So you may want to speak to him in private first and clarify that you don't expect anything in particular from him.

As for keeping the toys -- she is going without treats in order to pay for the toys -- in a sense she is buying them. I suppose you could give her the option of dontating them and keeping the treats? I dunno. I think going and talking to the man is the thing that will make the biggest impression. She's probably not going to have good feelings associated with the toys now anyway, and probably won't enjoy having them.

[St. Margaret]

Dr. Sears has a good article on his web site about raising moral children, with a whole section on stealing. It goes over where kids are, developmentally, regarding possessions, which may help you feel better about her attitude about it all. I think you handled it really well-- ditto what's been said above.