"Well that's a great way to traumatize a child!"

[blissful_maia]

Last night I was over at my parents' place and we were talking about the upcoming birth. We will be living five hours away at that time but they are planning on hopefully making it for the birth. My mom and sister are planning to actually be present at the birth while my dad is planning on checking into the hotel, and spending time with my other dd Ayla (i.e. taking her to the park, out for dinner etc). This was what I had hoped would happen, during my labour. If Ayla wants to stay I fully want her to be able to stay, and I also hope she will be interested in being there when the baby is actually born. She has a really good understanding of birth, we've watched videos, she talks about Mommy "pushing the baby out the yoni" etc.

Well, last night when we were chatting my dad said something to the effect of "one day the baby won't be there and then one day you'll come home and she'll be there!" and Ayla said "my watch my sister come out!". I said "Oh yes, Ayla will probably want to watch the birth, she's fascinated by it". and then they said "Well that's a great way to traumatize a child!". I didn't really know what to say cause I was so shocked that my parents would say that, I think I mumbled something to the effect of having a family-centred birth and giving her a healthy image of what birth is, blah blah blah. It wasn't very coherent in any case. Not sure how I should approach this now, since they are planning on being around on the birth day. I really do need and want their help during my labour (especially if I have another marathon as I did with Ayla), but now I'm sort of hoping they can't arrive in time....

Any advice/experience/wise words? I really want to have a good experience without worrying about making them uncomfortable. I know what I want comes first and foremost.... sigh. :

[the_lissa]

I think her not being there and then coming back and a baby there is way more traumatizing.

If she is doing well at the labour (and my midwife said she has never seen even a young toddler get upset at the birth, she will not be traumatized.

[pigpokey]

No but this is funny. My kids ages 1 and 2 like to watch Mindy's Psalm and Zoya video. My husband came home (not crunchy guy) and walked by the TV and there Mindy is either giving birth to Zoya or she is about to be born. He tells me to turn this off because "What are you trying to do, make them bloodthirsty maniacs?"
:LOL

[blissful_maia]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

I think her not being there and then coming back and a baby there is way more traumatizing.

These are my feelings too. I know pretty certainly she would be just fine, but I don't want them to think I'm being irresponsible or even selfish. I just wish I could explain it to them in a way they could understand, kwim?

[the_lissa]

Yeah I understand. I just don';t know of a way to explain it to people who don't get it.

[Mama Dragon]

Re:

Originally Posted by the_lissa

I think her not being there and then coming back and a baby there is way more traumatizing.

I think whatever the child is prepared for, they'll be fine with. I don't have a problem with children seeing birth, but I don't want my other kids anywhere near me because I get mean and grumpy when I'm in pain, among other reasons. None of them will be traumatized

As for the OP, explain that human birth is as traumatizing as watching kittens being born and I don't know of anyone who wouldn't let a little one watch that!

[dnr3301]

my dd wasn't traumatized by it at all. She was about the same age as your dd will be (mine had just turned 3). I gave her a disposable camera and she shot pictures the whole time. I love that role of film. I think I'll give her a digital next time so as to not limit the number of pics she takes. There is a beautiful shot of dd feeding me a strawberry, and another of her holding a sippy cup up for me to drink. Ummm, yah, pretty traumatic, I'd say. She loves loves loves her little brother, still refers to him as her baby, he's 2, and he adores her as well.

[eco_mama]

My sister basically said that same thing when I was talking to her about the birth a couple weeks ago. She asked where/what Marley will be doing when we have the baby, since it's only going to be us, my mw's, and doula. I told her that if she's awake then she'll be there to watch. I could feel her mouth drop over the phone and she goes, "Um, don't you think that'll be a little traumatizing or something?!" (In her snotty valley girl type voice) I just told her that I've been preparing Marley for a while now what to expect and women (mothers) have been giving birth for centuries w/ their other children there. It's a part of life. Of course if Marley feels uncomfortable for any reason DH will help her and it's not like she has to be in the room the entire time throughout my labor but she is more than welcome to if she wishes. My mw said that children usually do really well. It's like they 'know' exactly what's happening and are in 'awe', so to speak. I really want her to watch the baby being born..I think that'll be so fascinating to her and she prolly won't stop talking about it forever!

[sapphire_chan]

Maybe you could point out that homebirths aren't like what they show on those baby tv shows? I mean, *I'd* be traumatized if I was at one of those and I'm an adult, so I can see where people would be concerned at a child having problems if that's the sort of birth they are used to thinking of.

[boscopup]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Maybe you could point out that homebirths aren't like what they show on those baby tv shows? I mean, *I'd* be traumatized if I was at one of those and I'm an adult, so I can see where people would be concerned at a child having problems if that's the sort of birth they are used to thinking of.

:

I know I'm traumatized everytime I watch any of those baby shows on Discovery or TLC.

If a child is prepared for birth by watching videos and talking with mom, etc... I don't see any reason that they should be traumatized, as long as they're not forced to be there when they're uncomfortable, and obviously no one here is going to do that. Hard to make someone understand that if they don't understand natural birth though, I guess?

[MamaTaraX]

direct them to the countless threads around here about children at births My oldest has attended both younger brothers'births, my middle attending the last one's birth. Neither is traumatized. in fact, they "give birth" all the time now. It's as normal to them as playing hide-and-seek. They give birth in various positions and make noiseand moveand take turns being the midwife. They're certainly not traumatized children.

Childrenwill let you konw ifthey do not want to be at a birth. just make sure that if your daughter is there that someone is there for her only, in case she changes her mind at the last minute. I'm sorry your family seems so skeptical about children attending births. It's healthy and normal forthem. And I wanted to add too abou tthe transition of children present atbirths to becoming siblings. I truly believe that having my firstbon at my secondborn's birth provided a completely effortless transition to siblinghood. There was no disruption. I did not go away and come back with no belly *and* a new baby. Instead, he came with me to the birth centre and was a part of the entire time. Same with the seondborn and thirdborn. The secondborn was here as the third entered the world nd there was again no disruption. I think this lack of disruption was pivotal and key to their siblinghood.
I hope all goes well for ]you!

Namaste, Tara

[midwifetx]

Yea, she might be so traumatized that she becomes a midwife....hey, it happened to me. I saw my brother be born and I was 'done-for'

[Emilie]

i wish i hadf let my son be there- he did wake up and we had a close friend come over and watch him in the downstairs he fell asleep. he did see me in labor tho till she got there and he was fine. totally totally fine. they know i think.

when i was pg with dd i wanted to show ds his video- not actually giving birthbut the before and after- in a hospital all hooked up to machines and drugs... he did not like it and ran away.

while at at an appt with my mw we watched a homebirth- very graphic and upclose he sat and watched the whole thing. no problem.

you must remember young children are not burdened by what society insists is the right way.

[kawa kamuri]

It's sad. I don't think a lot of people want to learn or care to be enlightened but are comfortable with old and outdated ideas, misconceptions and willfully ignorant viewpoints. Sharing in the birth of a new sibling - their baby too! - is one of the most beautiful things I can think to share with a child.

[mamamilkers]

Do you think he really meant to say that? It struck me as something one of my parents might off-handedly say or if they are trying to be funny or are uncomfortable or something. Were other people in the room? Maybe he was just looking for a laugh?

Not that that would excuse such a thoughtless remark, but it is just such a wierd thing to say without any discussion or reasoning, KWIM?

Hopefully you guys will work it all out before the birth.

[Mrs_Hos]

I'm in the same boat as you....my folks think I am just crazy to have a home birth--and they wanted to take my dd for me so that she wouldn't be upset watching mommy in pain. First, I'm having a home birth this time and I am not planning on 'pain' like that--I'm planning on challenging 'rushes' that aren't a picnic, but that are workable and that after it is over I can be 'normal' for another minute (sorry--my own rant there...)
Second...I am 'practicing' making labor sounds with my dd...sometimes she asks me to make the sounds cuz she thinks it is funny! I've also told her that I may say things like "I can't" or "it hurts" but that this is all part of getting the baby out and that it is a good hurt--like a really tight squeezing hug that kinda hurts but you know it is LOVE so you still like it. I also have shown her videos (online, and dvd) that show people making scary noises, but then the baby comes out and everyone is happy and cheering...so she knows there is a 'happy ending'...
I agree 100% with the pp on the transition from single kid to siblings...I really think it eases the transition and may make for an easier time for mom too when the child really thinks he/she is part of this whole birth thing and that the baby is also HIS/HER baby!
I love the idea of the child taking pictures! And of actively helping with giving water, rubbing a foot, or telling mom jokes! My dd is actually going to cut 'my string' as she calls it. DH will be deployed, so she will take his spot with this responsibility. I hope I AM creating a midwife in training!
You probably won't convince your parents...just make sure they are on the same page though BEFORE labor day--or else the stress of the matter may affect you...especially if 'they think it's best' to take your dd away and NOT bring her back for the birth because of what THEY feel is best...I would be TICKED...
Anyways, sorry to ramble...good luck to you!

[HeatherKae]

My daughter was 23 mos old when I gave birth to my son (midwife attended hospital birth and I went home a couple of hours afterward). She held my hand on the drive in and for the few minutes I labored before pushing (I have the coolest picture of her and I holding hands while my midwife looked on -- my friend did some artsy digital stuff to it and entitled it "The Littlest Doula").

I screeched out while pushing, but I had talked to her before hand a lot about how it hurts the mommy when a baby comes out the yoni. But it's a good hurt and nothing to be scared of. She wasn't scared in the least. My doula put Dora on tv just in case it got too intense, she had something to draw her attention away. She flitted back and forth and then when I reached down to pull my son out, she asked my mom to lift her up so she could see it all.

She hasn't stopped talking about it since. She'll tell you, to this day, all about my labor and my son's birth. She's now 4.5. With this next one, I know she'll be a good support for me. Even at 5 yrs old.

[PancakeGoddess]

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=465548
Here's another thread about this you might find interesting.

I think that was in insanely rude comment. However, I think it *can* be traumatizing and probably for a lot more kids than most mdc mamas would like to think. But if you want more of my blathering on that, click the link

[blissful_maia]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their replies (and keep them coming!). I think my dad was being serious, considering his ignorance about birth (the only birth he ever witnessed was the C/S of my brother!), I have to take it with a grain of salt. But my own mother, who has given birth vaginally, said that Ayla would be disturbed by seeing me "crying or screaming". She has never seen a home birth, so obviously is unaware of the different energy, but still thinks it would be a little too intense for Ayla to handle.

That said, I am still planning on having Ayla in the house when the baby is born. There will be people there to play with her, take her for a walk, make her snacks, etc. But I just want to clear up with my parents that if she decides to wander into the room (especially for the birth), I want her to be free to do that. And I have a feeling she will.

[AllisonR]

Perhaps part of the real issue is your dad not wanting to be there. Fair enough. As you said, all he saw was one c section. That may not be part of his generation, culture, upbringing or in his comfort level. Let your dad stay in the hotel or watch football, whatever. Find another person who will be there for your daughter, wherever that may be.

I think you should be flexible about the birth itself. Maybe now, and at the time, your daughter will be curious/fascinated/excited.... and she should be there. Maybe you will be relaxed and happy she is there. Maybe she will change her mind and become frightened or confused. Maybe she will be fine but in the middle of contractions you will start worrying about how she is reacting to your noises, behaviour, and you will not be able to concentrate on what you need to do, birth your next child.

Leave the possibilities open. Giver her her own full-time "baby-sitter." Allow her full access, but if it becomes problematic for either of you, her "baby-sitter" is in charge of taking her to the park, to a friends house....

Allison R