"Well that's a great way to traumatize a child!" - Page 2

[boscopup]

Originally Posted by blissful_maia

I think my dad was being serious, considering his ignorance about birth (the only birth he ever witnessed was the C/S of my brother!), I have to take it with a grain of salt. But my own mother, who has given birth vaginally, said that Ayla would be disturbed by seeing me "crying or screaming". She has never seen a home birth, so obviously is unaware of the different energy, but still thinks it would be a little too intense for Ayla to handle.

Would your parents be willing to watch some natural birth videos so that THEY know what to expect? Maybe after watching those, they'll understand why Ayla wouldn't be traumatized?

[ntengwall]

I teach natural childbirth classes and had both of my boys at our third son's birth (they were 3 1/2 and 5 1/2). Whenever anyone said anything about them being there, I just replied, "Kids don't have all the fears and pre-conceived notions about how "horrible" birth is. They haven't been brought up hearing that birth is scary and traumatic." Then I always ended with, "I bet my boys know more about birth than you do!".. Which was probably true since they have been watching birth videos since I began teaching almost 7 years ago.
As long as a child is prepared for the mom to be making noise (I told my boys, "Moms make a lot of noise in labor because labor is hard work.") and knows what to expect, I find that they do great. My two boys were my biggest supporters at my birth..saying things like,"You're doing a great job mommy". Waaaaay more calm than my mother!
I did practice making birth sounds (my hubby calls it the dying cow sound!) in front of them to show them what I might sound like. This helped them to be prepared.
Plus, you need to remind your parents that your birth probably won't be anything like the births they have seen on tv and the other horror stories they have heard.
Good luck and happy birthing!!

[grace's voice]

After several months of preparation I just went ahead and asked my dd if she wants to be there (I figure she's a person and is old enough to have a say). She looked at me with the most offended expression and said, "yes, I want to help the baby be born!" She is completely convinced she's going to help daddy catch the baby, or, in her words, daddy is going to help HER catch the baby! And so long as she okay with it in the heat of the moment, that's just fine by me!

Kids are just naturally in to this stuff. If your dd expresses a want to be there, I say go for it. I do think its important to make sure someone is there to specifically attend to the needs of your child, I'm having my sister for that. People/family totally don't get why I'm letting her be there either. Strangers keep trying to give me advice on "introducing" the siblings... I just kindly say, "yes, well, we're having a homebirth and she will be there when the baby is born, infact she's planning to help catch the baby." The looks on their faces are priceless. I really don't care what people think, but family is deffinately harder, esp since they're planning to be involved in the birth. I wish I had more advice to offer, but really, just know that you ARE doing the right thing. Let her decided. Birth is a wonderful, family centered event.

[blissful_maia]

Thanks everyone again for all your awesome suggestions. For the record, my dad is totally not planning on being there... he will be in the city, but not at my place. My mom and sister will be there, as well as DH and Ayla, and my dad was going to come "rescue" Ayla if she needed a change of scenery... take her to the park, out to eat, etc.

I agree that birth should be a family-centered event! I think Ayla would feel completely left out if she couldn't attend the birth, we have been talking about it and preparing for it for a while now. She'll even make moaning and pushing sounds when we talk about what noises mommy may make. Although with her birth I was pretty quiet, so we'll see. I liked the suggestion about them watching a natural homebirth video with siblings to get the picture a little bit. We watched one on my first day of midwifery school called "A sister for Hugo"... I wonder if I can dig that one up!

[ntengwall]

Another great video with some siblings attending is "Birth Day". You can get it here- http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...lance&n=404272

I was able to meet Naoli (the mom on the tape) this spring at a midwifery conference---what an amazing woman!!!!

[emdeecee_sierra]

My DC#1 was much more traumatized by being left at home with grandparents than if I had had DC#2 at home. Just a few weeks ago, out of the blue, DC#2 (now 4) said that she didn't want me to have any other babies because she doesn't want me to leave. Uhhh, not sure where she picked that up, because DC#3 was born at home, so that's the only experience DC#2 has. So despite her real life experience and shielding, our culture has seeped in and she has the idea that mommies leave to have babies . I reminded all of them about DC#3 being born at home and that Mommy didn't leave at all, and that I'd do the same from now on.

[DreamsInDigital]

I'm sad my boys missed baby Winter's birth. They were asleep, he was born at 6 in the morning.
I'm hoping they'll be awake for the next. I can't see how that could possibly be traumatizing. Not anymore so than mom going away to the hospital for 3+ days!

[PerennialMom]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Maybe you could point out that homebirths aren't like what they show on those baby tv shows? I mean, *I'd* be traumatized if I was at one of those and I'm an adult, so I can see where people would be concerned at a child having problems if that's the sort of birth they are used to thinking of.

I was recently chastized on another board for 'allowing' my kids to be at this birth if they desire. Then again, this same woman used the word 'tootie' to describe her vagina. No wonder she didn't think children can handle it....she couldn't even TYPE the word vagina, I can't imagine she can explain how a uterus works to a child.

I haven't read the threads here on MDC yet (going there after this) but I read a great book called "Children At Birth" by Marjie Hathaway (I think that's the author). It was good for me because even though I KNEW how to prepare my child, I had trouble explaining to others who asked me questions about. Sometimes what's in our hearts can better be said through our mouths with the help of a good, informative book.

[mama_at_home]

I think her not being there and then coming back and a baby there is way more traumatizing.

I don't see how this would be traumatizing? My toddler knew that the babies would soon be coming out of mommy's tummy. He went next door to play with the neighbors and some relatives and then came back to meet the babies. He was very happy and excited.

I also don't think it would be traumatizing in the least to have toddlers there for the birth. I think it would be special if the mom feels comfortable. I am not good at comebacks at all, so I would probably would have just aked him "why?"

[hopefulfaith]

Would your father be distraught enough at the thought of dd attending the birth that he would take her out to distract her and not bring her back to the house until much later, when the baby had been born?

[blissful_maia]

I don't think so, I think he would bring her back if she expressed an interest in being there. He certainly wouldn't come in the door though . I Kind of wish he would though, so he could see a beautiful, real birth, kwim? Ah well... my mom will probably tell him all about it!

[coco4cloth]

My baby was born last Saturday and my 5 yr old and 3 yr old were right there as their sister came into the world. Didn't bother them one bit. I had prepared them with videos too and talked about what happens in labor. Best part was my 5 yr old ds rubbing my back during labor in the pool You know your child best.

[flapjack]

My daughter was born last November, and ds2 (who is asthmatic) knew as soon as labour started, although he was asleep at the time- and immediately started an asthma attack. I don't think the timing is coincidental, I think it was purely the stress of realising that he wasn't going to be the baby any more.
Becoming a big brother or sister is a rite of passage: for some, it happens before weaning, but it's the end of babyhood for most children. Most will take it calmly, but there'll always be one who doesn't.
What this means for a homebirth, though, I couldn't tell you.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

It freaked my parents out a bit when I told them I wanted dd there with me. I had a very hard time explaining to them (thru my mom since we dont talk about woman things in front of men ) They did keep dd but brought her in when I called so that she was able to come and go out of the room as she wanted to. She was thrilled with her new brother and I am so happy she could be there with us. She still remembers some of it she had just turned 4yo 12 days before.