Just a quick background- this person I will be talking about is a friend I have known for about 6 months. He is a friend of a friend, but we have never met (he's a couple states away). He is/was (I'm a little iffy on whether it's worth it now.... hence my post) going to come up and visit this summer and see if we hit it off. We've talked a LOT in the past 6 months and have gotten to know each other fairly well.
I just recently learned he was raised in a spanking family and plans to raise his kids (future kids- he has no kids right now) that way too
I told him flat out I could never be with someone that would hit his kids. He was a bit shocked I was that bold about it, but said he'd definately be willing to talk about it and try to understand my side. So we did, last night. We talked and talked and talked about it. And at the end he was still not convinced and left it at "I don't know, I can't see a child growing up to be a well adjusted, respectable person if someone doesn't keep him in line" I asked him if it would ever be okay for him to hit a woman (he knows my feelings on this also and knows I would NEVER under any circumstance stay with someone who hit me, even once) and he said he would never hit another adult (unless, in his words, someone hit him first then he'd defend himself.... only if it's a guy though. He still claims he'd never hit a girl). He just didn't seem to get my logic that children need to be treated with respect too. So I asked what would a child have to do to make him spank him/her. I wanted an example. The one he came up with was if you took them out to dinner and they insisted on being too loud or trying to get down and walk around. He says he would take them in the bathroom and spank them. I asked what he would do if he and I were out and I was too loud for him. He answered with he would ask me to tone it down. So why the heck wouldn't you just ask your child?? So then he asked if I would ever, under any circumstance, consider a spanking okay. I said no. He started naming examples and asking what I would do in that situation. I answered them as best I could (some of them were things that would happen with older kids and my DS is only 2 so I'd have to cross that bridge when I got there, kwim?).
It did seem that he was at least thinking about alternatives though. One of his examples to me was what would I do if my kid stole something (he says he'd spank and send them to their room until the next day). My answer was to give dc money to pay for whatever he stole, take him to the store/person he stole from and have him explain what happened and pay for what he took. Then I'd probably have him donate whatever he stole to goodwill/salvation army/homeless shelter/whatever. Depending on his age I might make him work off the money to pay for stolen item. (Again- ds is only 2 so I had to pull that answer out of the air as I hope not to have to deal with anything like this for a while!). He did agree that my answer on that was better than his, but is not convinced that there is no need to spank, ever.
So what do you think? Is it a lost cause and a waste of my time? Should I keep trying to convince him? I really don't want to fall for him, only to have this one issue stand in the way (it's a major thing for me- I seriously would never be with anyone who would spank his/my kids).
I just recently learned he was raised in a spanking family and plans to raise his kids (future kids- he has no kids right now) that way too
I told him flat out I could never be with someone that would hit his kids. He was a bit shocked I was that bold about it, but said he'd definately be willing to talk about it and try to understand my side. So we did, last night. We talked and talked and talked about it. And at the end he was still not convinced and left it at "I don't know, I can't see a child growing up to be a well adjusted, respectable person if someone doesn't keep him in line" I asked him if it would ever be okay for him to hit a woman (he knows my feelings on this also and knows I would NEVER under any circumstance stay with someone who hit me, even once) and he said he would never hit another adult (unless, in his words, someone hit him first then he'd defend himself.... only if it's a guy though. He still claims he'd never hit a girl). He just didn't seem to get my logic that children need to be treated with respect too. So I asked what would a child have to do to make him spank him/her. I wanted an example. The one he came up with was if you took them out to dinner and they insisted on being too loud or trying to get down and walk around. He says he would take them in the bathroom and spank them. I asked what he would do if he and I were out and I was too loud for him. He answered with he would ask me to tone it down. So why the heck wouldn't you just ask your child?? So then he asked if I would ever, under any circumstance, consider a spanking okay. I said no. He started naming examples and asking what I would do in that situation. I answered them as best I could (some of them were things that would happen with older kids and my DS is only 2 so I'd have to cross that bridge when I got there, kwim?).It did seem that he was at least thinking about alternatives though. One of his examples to me was what would I do if my kid stole something (he says he'd spank and send them to their room until the next day). My answer was to give dc money to pay for whatever he stole, take him to the store/person he stole from and have him explain what happened and pay for what he took. Then I'd probably have him donate whatever he stole to goodwill/salvation army/homeless shelter/whatever. Depending on his age I might make him work off the money to pay for stolen item. (Again- ds is only 2 so I had to pull that answer out of the air as I hope not to have to deal with anything like this for a while!). He did agree that my answer on that was better than his, but is not convinced that there is no need to spank, ever.
So what do you think? Is it a lost cause and a waste of my time? Should I keep trying to convince him? I really don't want to fall for him, only to have this one issue stand in the way (it's a major thing for me- I seriously would never be with anyone who would spank his/my kids).
See where he stands on things, and if there is a foundation to build on. If your basic beliefs are extremely divergent, then it will be much harder.
