13 month old hitting - WWYD?

[Fuamami]

I never had this problem with my dd at this age - I suppose because she didn't have an older sibling to teach her, but my ds has begun hitting.

My dh and I have just been ignoring it or helping him pat a little more gently and saying "Thank you for the pats!" But today he thwacked my dd on the head with a serving spoon. I took the spoon, which I wasn't really comfortable with him toddling around with anyway and told him not to hit, but I'm not really sure he got it. AND, he got such a good reaction that he immediately picked up a toy and tried it again before I'd finished comforting her.

Any suggestions? I kind of feel like making a big deal out of it is just going to make it worse, but I can't stop my dd from screeching.

[mountainskymama]

sarah,

i am amongst two kiddos who hit - who have never been hit by me or dh (Ok, that's not entirely true - i spanked once and realized it was not the way for us and have never done that again!), and it is a struggle to figure out how to deal with it. with dd, a lot of it is for reaction, and we try as much as possible not to give her one, though it is hard presently - she is almost 4 now and it's actually starting to hurt. we simply tell her how it makes us feel when she hits, like "I don't like it when you hit me. it hurts my body and my feelings" we also ask that if she has feelings of negativity or anger and really feels like hitting something, she hit a pillow. sometimes we ask her to take her negative energy outside and scream it out or jump it out and let the the earth take that energy and put it where it might be needed.

as for dd, who is closer to your dd's age, we simply do what you do, show him how to be gentle and ask him to do the same, take away the hitting object if there was one, and give him a pillow to hit. a friend who was having the same issue got a punching bag and i'd like to do that too. (for myself and my kids!)

ds started hitting at the age of 12 months, and we still deal with it. but we have been consistent with our methods and it has gotten better with time and patience, and of course, without us "spanking" her to reenforce that hitting is ok. ( i can't tell you how many people have given us the advice to spank her for hitting us...hmmmm...that doesn't sound hypocritical, does it?)

well, hope things work out for you.....time and patience....time and patience....

[DevaMajka]

Why did he hit her?
My ds thinks it is great fun to hit stuff with spoons, sticks, anything like that. It's a big experiment/game to him. Of course, there have been a few times he's hit people and animals. When he'd hit someone, we'd tell him "don't hit, dog doesn't like to be hit" and tell him that if he wants to hit with the stick, he can hit the floor, the couch, the wall, etc. Then, to take it even further (especially when he was younger) we'd make a game out of it. "What does it sound like if you hit the floor? How about the door? The couch?"

If ds had hit because the dog was in his face, and he wanted her to leave him alone, I'd tell him "If you want brooke out of your face, hold your hand up and tell her 'back off!' and if she won't, yell for me." Now, he still can't talk, but that was enough.

I think one part of why it helps is that it helps ds know that his impulse is ok
(frustration, wanting to experiment, etc). He/we just need to find a socially acceptable way for him to express that impulse.
And even at a very young age (1 yo?) I found that redirection worked best the more closely it was related to his original impulse.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Deva33mommy

Why did he hit her?
My ds thinks it is great fun to hit stuff with spoons, sticks, anything like that. It's a big experiment/game to him.

Yes, it's a game. He's definitely experimenting, and mimicking. He sometimes comes to me with his "mad" face on and hits me. He's not really mad, he's just doing what his sister does. It's actually very cute, he furrows his brow and tries to look mad and says, "Aaaghh!" and then he laughs.

I've never yet seen him hit when he's mad, so that's why I'm not sure the hitting a pillow or punching bag would work, at least not yet.

The only problem with the redirection/distraction is when he hits his sister. I guess I feel like I shouldn't have a double standard, and I don't want her to think he's "getting away with it". But I'm also pretty sure that if I told him firmly and seriously not to hit, he'd like the reaction and try it about 75 more times, just because that's his personality.

[BamBam'sMom]

My son started doing it at the same age. At first I tried just showing him to "be gentle," but it wasn't really working. Now I either say "We don't hit" or "no hitting." I try to watch my "nos," but hitting is one thing i sometimes use it for. I keep my voice calm so he doesn't do it again for a reaction.

Sometimes he just keeps doing it. At that point, he usually needs to be redirected to something else to take his mind off it.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by natensarah

I've never yet seen him hit when he's mad, so that's why I'm not sure the hitting a pillow or punching bag would work, at least not yet.

Ds doesn't hit out of anger. Redirecting to a pillow or other surface has always worked for experimental/fun hitting. He just needed a way to express that impulse. Its too hard to just *stop* doing something that's fun! lol
Perhaps you could talk to your dd about WHY ds is hitting, and explain to her that he just doesn't know the acceptable ways to express certain impulses. So, its your job to teach him better ways of expressing them. That way, she may see it less as him getting away with it, and more that he needs to be taught what is not ok, and what to do instead.

If I tell ds "don't hit" it does just about nothing to stop the hitting. But if I redirect in a way that honors the impulse, it helps in all ways- he stops in the moment, and he learns that hitting is not ok, AND he learns ways to redirect his hitting (ie- it helps with impulse control). I've seen him do that already- Say, if he has a stick and he's hitting stuff with it. He'll be all ready to hit a dog, then stop, shake his head "no" and hit the couch instead.
Imo, redirecting and explaining teaches better than just saying no and explaining, because there is no power struggle for the lesson to get lost in. kwim?

[mountainskymama]

i think you all have such great thoughts. i think the impulse needs to be validated and redirected. one thing i do whe ds hits dd or if dd hits ds or anyone else for that matter, is, instead of directing my attention to the hitter, i direct my attention to the one being hit. i go to that person (human, dog or otherwise) and place my hand on the spot they got hit and give hugs and say something like "i'm sorry you got hit, so-and-so, it doesn't feel good when our friends do things to hurt us." it seems to work quite well. it re-enforces that hitting is not acceptable, while exemplifying compassion. i do admit that many times i am simply impatient and my first impulse is to focus on the hitter. but i've found this to be the most effective approach. when i model this behavior, ds goes right up to so-and-so and hugs and says sorry in his really cute 20-month-old way. with dd, who is just about 4, she doesn't get the attention that she is looking for by hitting - the other child gets it. hope this helps. blessings...