Help me with my disappearing 5 year old!

[Moochie Mamma]

Dh and I don't know what to do. DS is friends with the girls who live next door who are 8 and 9. He loves to play with them so much that as soon as he sees them in the yard he wants to play with them and often will just leave our backyard and go over there (they also come over here uninvited all the time and take him back to their house). It scares the crap out of me when he just disappears! He's done it several times when playing in our back yard but left again tonight when I was putting baby to bed and Dh was on the phone. After I got out of the bedroom Dh says he heard the front door open and do I know where DS is?- Uh honey? I was just nursing the baby in the bedroom, I thought you were watching him. Dh went next door and there DS was. We've both talked to him several times about the importance of asking before leaving our house or yard, making sure it's OK with the grown-ups next door that he is there (making sure there are even adults home) etc. The parents next door don't supervise their own kids much and let them wander the neighborhood alone : . Of course DS wants to join them (I've actually found him a block away with one of the girls once).

Anyway, what would you do?? I'm tempted to tell him he can't play with them but that would seem like punishment. Talking to him just isn't getting the point across. BTW our yard is fenced but there are no fences leading from the front to the back yard so the back is open to the front, and there's a broken slat that leads to the girls' house that they all climb through. We're in a rental so we can't add fencing to block off the back yard. We've talked to the parents about how DS isn't allowed over there without asking us so if he shows up they need to bring him back or at least make sure he's OK to be there.

[mamaduck]

I would talk to the girls in front of your ds. I would ask them to please "remind" ds to check with his parents before he leaves with them. Impress upon all three of them the importance. Maybe the whole scene will make an impression on him.

[straighthaircurly]

This is a little hard for me to answer since my ds isn't to that age yet. Since the other kids are older can you enlist there help? If they come over and then take him back to their house, they have to come tell you first. Also try role playing with your son how to come tell you that he hears them out playing and wants to go over. I'm assuming that you don't mind him playing over there but you need to know where he is. And just keep repeating that if he is to have the privilege of going over to friend's houses without you, that he has to be responsible for always keeping you updated on where he is, otherwise he will lose that privilege. Then it becomes his responsibility to follow through or he has a logical consequence of not being allowed to go over there without you.

So much of your comfort with this arrangement though has to do with the neighborhood and the kids. I know my SIL lets her 4 and 5 yo cruise all around their block with the slightly older kids keeping an eye on them, but she knows all the parents at the various houses are keeping an eye on them too. It is just that kind of neighborhood.

[MissRubyandKen]

What if you or dh are outside watching ds every time he goes out? That way your eyes are on him and he can't just disappear. Explain to him you or dh needs to be with him so that you can know where he is. Then if he goes to go next door you can intervene and talk to him about where he is going to set the habit of talking with you about it first BEFORE he goes over?

[PikkuMyy]

If he understands that he can't go over without asking you but also can't stop himself from doing it, then I'd say that he isn't mature enough to play outside alone. Tell him that until he can always ask you when he wants to go somewhere else, he'll have to play outside with one of you watching him.