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Moving Beyond Birth Experience? - Page 2

post #21 of 26
Jen6- thanks for the words of wisdom and I wish you all the best for your upcoming birth. I am so grateful that the only seperation I had with dd was in the OR. She was next to me but I couldn't hold her because of the drugs. It must have been really hard for you to be separated. Right back at you with the YOU CAN DO IT!
Misseks- I think you're right about talking to DD about the experience. Even though DD is only 2 months, I have had talks with her and told her how I tried really hard to get her out and that I know she tried hard to. It sounds silly, but it makes me feel better to let her know that she did a good job.

Just writing has made me feel much better about my birth. It's easy to succumb to fear. I realize that I can't lose focus on what I did accomplish in my birth. I think anything less than what I already experienced will feel like a piece of cake. I just need to find the fire within me that I had going into birth last time. I think the confidence will come with time and by researching and educating to make sure I do everything I can to make my next birth as smooth as possible.
post #22 of 26
I am so glad for this post, I am really good at ignoring my feelings, but this time I can't if I want to have another baby.

I too started at home then transferred for a c/s. I luckily was treated fantasticly during the c/s and have zero complaints about the hospital. We drove an extra 20 minutes to a small town hospital that my mid-wife has a good working relationship with.

my guilt is with myself and how I contributed to the c/s. When the contractions started everything went so fast and I was so out of it, I was a total zombie. I think I panicked and maybe started to push to soon and it is my fault baby girl moved into an anterior and asynclitic position. My midwife was ready to transfer because baby was starting to develop a huge caput and she was just not moving no matter what we tried.

I just can't stop beating myself up...I am not mad at having the c/s I really feel like it is my fault baby got stuck, I really feel like I might have rushed the pushing. The CNM (who is a former mid-wife) at the hospital who assisted in the c/s told me she was really, really stuck they even had a hard time getting her out.

I just really feel like it is my fault and I want re-do.
post #23 of 26
ICAN meetings! Seriously, nothing better than a room full of women who feel the same way.

Ditto what others have said: writing & talking talking talking about it.
post #24 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by jen6

Some areas that were helpful for me to think about were:

1) insensitve comments and how to not internalize them.....
2) learning from the experience, taking charge of the next birth, but not taking on all the blame/responsibility/guilt for what happened
3)seeing each birth as its own event
4)breaking the experience down into parts and looking at the areas that were most distressing (drawing really helped me to do this)---e.g., for me, it was kind of surprising that when I dug deeper, the fact they took my son away unnecessarily to the NICU was the single most traumatic part of the whole experience, and not the physical torture they put me through on the pitocin. Oddly enough, once I realized I could and would prevent this from happening next time, my grief lessened. There are lots of things that you can do the 2nd time to make it different, this is an absolute!!
5) question the "dramatized" birth experience that we are steeped in from little on...whether it is the screaming woman or the woman bathed in golden light with her baby sliding out into the waiting arms of her partner You birthed a baby, and did it under incredibly difficult circumstances, don't let other people take that away from you, and don't take it away from yourself.
This is a very helpful thread. I have been reading and writing tons and it surprises me how much I haven't thought about yet and still need to work on. These are especially helpful and I wonder how you do take insensitive comments and not internalize them? Or "question the "dramatized" birth experience that we are steeped in from little on...whether it is the screaming woman or the woman bathed in golden light with her baby sliding out into the waiting arms of her partner You birthed a baby, and did it under incredibly difficult circumstances, don't let other people take that away from you, and don't take it away from yourself."? How have other people found peace with insensitive comments or peace with not letting others take away from your birthing a baby?
post #25 of 26
This thread is so appropriate and timely. I think I need to write more to process mine, too.

I was soooooo convinced I'd never end up with a section. I was going around pregnant telling everyone that it just wasn't an option for me, that I'd never consent to it, that we already knew the baby wasn't breech so that was that. I had hired a doula and was seeing a DO and a MW at the group practice (the only game in town, as it turns out) that delivers at the local hospital. I had a library of natural-birth books to inspire me. I was going for prenatal massage, doing my kegels, eating very well, exercising, in short, doing everything right.

Then 41 weeks hit and they started talking induction. Which upset me. When I was scheduled to go in, I thought I could get the cervical ripening gel, go home and then just not come back in if I decided I didn't want pitocin. Turns out they don't allow that, which they didn't tell me until I was already in! I should have just left on the spot and never returned, but I didn't, and then when the gel didn't work and they rescheduled me, I stupidly went back. At that point I'd been in labor (slow, early labor) almost 48 hours. I didn't think pit augmentation would hurt. But my labor never progressed after two days on pit. Some was due to baby's positioning, and I'm sure some was due to stress. At the end of the second day in the hospital, when an exam showed me stuck at 1cm, we tearfully agreed to a c-section.

Of course it was medically unnecessary. No distress and the baby was only 6lbs 14oz, so not a case of CPD by any stretch. At the time I felt satisfied but now I'm not so sure, and I'm very angry at myself and the practice. I thought I was prepared, but in the end I went along with everything because I didn't want to make waves.

Next time around I'll be planning a HBAC but every time I get all psyched up for one, I get nervous about uterine rupture. I'm worried that I'm so bent on a VBAC that I'll put it on some kind of pedestal and be even more upset if I end up with a repeat section for whatever reason. It's become more of an issue lately because I had been totally numb in the scar area but now feeling is coming back, and it's pretty much all painful feeling

Sorry if that was somewhat thread-hijacking. You're certainly not alone in feeling bad about your birth experience. I really think talking and writing about it, over and over, helps immensely.
post #26 of 26
[QUOTE=Lkg4dmcrc]This is a very helpful thread. I have been reading and writing tons and it surprises me how much I haven't thought about yet and still need to work on. These are especially helpful and I wonder how you do take insensitive comments and not internalize them? Or "question the "dramatized" birth experience that we are steeped in from little on...whether it is the screaming woman or the woman bathed in golden light with her baby sliding out into the waiting arms of her partner

I can try and expand on what I mean, and maybe it will help. I should say that I dont' think c-sections have to be inherently traumatic. Sometimes they are necessary and are done sensitively. This just wasn't the case with me.....

Insensitive comments: Overtime, I just came to realize that the comments people make are about their agendas, not your experience. And that oftentimes, when something happens that is so upsetting to someone else, people just don't want to deal with it/hear about it. They feel the need to say something, but very seldom think about the underlying assumptions.

I remember an old friend saying upon hearing about my birth experience, "Well, maybe you were paying off some kharmic debt." What he meant by this was that I had done something awful in a prior life and therefore deserved to have to pay for it in this one with a horrible experience. Hmmmmm, um, no. At the time he said it, I was so steeped in thinking I somehow deserved what happened to me, that I was just a sucker for this kind of crap. I think this stemmed from really trying to have more control over what happened to me than I really did or could have, which translates into taking responsibility for things that were just not within my ability to impact, e.g., the midwife from hell was on and was pissed, I was delivering on a holiday, etc.

Or there was the woman I met while breastfeeding at a restaurant with my brand new baby. Agenda, she felt really isolated in the conservative community we were both living in at the time, and wanted desperately to bond with soemone she perceived to be "like her." She excitedly came up to me and said something along the lines of, "It is so great to see someone else breastfeeding in public. Don't you think natural babies do so much better. People who have drugs or c-sections, I just don't get it." Well actually strange woman I did have a c-section and am really struggling with it. She gave me her number, and I never called her.

Then there is the infamous, "Well you have a healthyl baby, that is all that matters." Because so many c-sections aren't really about the baby's health, this comment is just so infuriating. It is like having your foot cut off for a bunion, and someone saying, "Well at least you have the other foot." Well actually, I would have preferred both feet thanks. Well actually, I would have preferred a healthy baby and a healthy mind and body, thanks. Agenda, I guess I just think that people don't know how to handle the trauma of the topic and so say stupid things. If you stop expecting the average person to understand, you are less likely to take their stupid comments to heart.

As far as the romanticized birth thing.......I think an ecstatic birth is possible, but I question the wisdom of assuming that this is the only worthy outcome or way of getting to a "good" birth. For example, some people talk about how great/inspirational their partner was, this was not my experience. I think we both did the best we could, under very trying circumstances. If I hold him up to a romantic ideal, he falls short. If I see him as a poor guy that watched someone he loved be tortured and felt helpless, well, I think I can be a little more understanding. Or there is a good friend of mine who raved about her birth center experience, and I was soooo envious. Over time, it comes out that she had a lot of ups and downs in her birthing road as well, but didn't feel comfortable talking about it initially. This only came out later.

At the end of the day, you have to get from point A to point B, some people take the scenic road, some people take the highway. I think I've come to realize, I am just happy not to crash on this one. I know this may sound horrible to some people, but I just want my VBAC to be about feeling respected as a human being. This might seem like a low goal for people, but for me it is about setting a goal I think is possible, and feeling a sense of accomplishment based on that. Only you really ultimately know the best way to get there for you, the Birth Channel doesn't have a clue!!!

Don't know if any of this makes sense, but there ya' go.
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