One a lot of us struggle with

[Mama8]

I thought that since I have seen this mentioned a lot and I struggle with it myself that I would start a post for suggestions here.

How do you handle bedtime with your children. Especially if you co-sleep that also incorperates uc parenting. For example you would really like some down time and your children do not want to go to bed it is late and you they keep bouncing up and down out of bed or fussing for you. Do you

Go to bed with them at the same time and forget about your down time for the evening?

Have hubby go to bed with them if the children will accept this substitute when they really want mama?

Start a better nighttime routine. Give advance notice "Bed in 10 minutes...5 min.....1 min....", read stories and tuck into bed?

Make it one of your very few times you need to stand firm and not bend, "Mama is tired and needs sometime to relax. I will be up to bed with you in 30 minutes. I know you want me there now. I will be there in 30 minutes" and keep gently putting the children back to bed dispite protests?

Asking the children for their ideas for staying in bed until mom arrives?



I am going to try and institute a more reliable bedtime routine and explaining that Mama needs a little down time before joining them in bed. My dh is not really on option 1 the children do not want him and he is not that willing.
Making this one of the areas I decide to stand firm on doesn't sit well for me because it's too much like CIO for me. Since this really upsets the children and they are popping in and out of bed until I get there anyway. So for me it is establish a better bedtime routine and lots of trying to explain why I am coming to bed later than then them. Oh and asking them if they have any ideas on having them stay in bed until I get there.



What are your methods?

Could we please brainstorm ideas here?

[pianojazzgirl]

I think asking them if they have any ideas is a great idea! Maybe they would be happy to look at some books or play with some certain special bedtime toys?

Hope you find something that works for you!

[Fuamami]

Well, we don't cosleep, so it's a little easier for me. I do snuggle with my dd about 50% of the time until she either is asleep or almost. Other nights she's tired enough that she doesn't want me to.

What's worked is to put her to bed and then I respond immediately if she calls me. Our house is small, so there's nowhere I can be and not hear her. I think since she knows I'll come, she doesn't get out of bed. And the few times she does get out, I put her right back.

I think it's hard for her because she like to jabber and sing to herself to help wind down, but she shares a room with her brother who goes to sleep first. So she has to be fairly quiet. I have white noise cranked up as loud as it'll go, but he still wakes up sometimes.

I agree, down time is important. It's very important for me, that's one reason we don't co-sleep. I have finally just admitted that I am a person who gets very, very irritable if I don't ever have time to myself. I work on this, but I think I'm only going to be able to do so much.

[irinam]

We go to bed together. It takes DD between 15 to sometimes 45 minutes to fall asleep (depending on the happenings during the day, etc.,)

After that I get up and have my "down" time. Though it's mostly cleaning, cooking and laundry (I WOH, so no time during the day)

Sometimes (very rare lately) DH and I would spend the whole evening together or with friends that came over.

Another "sometimes" I simply fall asleep. No biggie, my body probably needed it.

[AngieB]

First, How old are your DC's? The Older they are the more likely this might work.
OK, this is my theory on bedtime. Bedtime is not about the kids needing to go to sleep because they are tired its about the parents needing them to go to sleep because mom and dad need down time. That said, I don't care if my kids go to sleep when I put them to bed. All I care about is that they stay there. I tell them "you don't have to fall asleep, you just have to stay in your bed and play quitely or read a book." If they get out of bed and are playing quitely in the room I leave them alone. If they come out of the room I walk them back to bed and remind them that it is time to stay in bed and play or read. I think they like the control of falling asleep when they choose to. They are almost always alseep within a half hour. I started this when they were around 2 & 4. Now at 5 & 7 they are in their own beds and they can tell time I put them to bed and tell them that they can read until a given time and then need to turn off the light.

[IncaMama]

well, we've changed with the wind on this it seems. we rearrange and revise all the time. so here are some permutations of what's worked for us.

when we had 1 child:
1. until around 18mo, we'd let rowan stay up until he wanted to sleep, by nursing on my lap. we watched movies/tv with him down here in the family room, though never anything violent or anything obviously.

2. after 18mo or so it became harder to do that because he became more interested in what we were doing, so we'd have him go to sleep in our bed before we got there. i'd nurse him to sleep and then leave the bed, then join him later. sometimes he'd last a couple of hours before waking, sometimes 20 minutes. on those nights we'd either decide to let him come down with us until he was sleepy again or i'd stay up there with him until he fell back asleep (he was luckily pretty easy to get BACK asleep, though falling asleep for the first time took a while). this is pretty much how we did it up until we had ava...though as he got older we tried to have him be upstairs for bedtime rather than down here. but again, on any given night if it didn't look like it was gonna pan out, we'd go with the flow. sometimes i'm not tired, and sometimes he's not tired. it's just how it is. rowan has his own rhythm, and when we have the most success (aka least amount of stress) is when we just try to respect and follow that rhythm.

now that we have 2:

1. on days when rowan doesn't nap (about 50/50 at this point), he'll go to bed early at around 7:30. how we do this is dh goes upstairs with him and either gives him a bath or just stays with him in bed until i'm done with ava. "done with ava" = get her down to sleep and put her in her moses basket downstairs in the family room. she's usually ready for bed for the night at around 7:30. so ava goes down, usually it takes about 10 minutes...then i go upstairs and nurse rowan to sleep in the family bed (on no-nap days this takes anywhere from 5-20 minutes).

2. on days when rowan has an early nap (is awake before 2), we try to push back bedtime to around 8:30 or so...and follow the same pattern. this sometimes works, and sometimes he's just not tired yet. so then we do #3...

3. for days when he's napped late or just isn't tired, i get ava to bed upstairs in the family bed and keep rowan downstairs. we either watch a movie for him or play or watch a "boring" movie (talk talk talk instead of action). about 1/2 of the time he'll just get bored and fall asleep on the couch. the other 1/2 of the time he's in it for the long haul and stays up until we go to bed.


going to bed for us means that dh is upstairs in the family bed with ds. i'm downstairs in the recliner with dd in the moses basket. i can't sleep in a flat bed yet bc of my back...but ava is outgrowing the basket so we'll be revising this soon.

i hope this has helped a bit!

[RootBeerFloat]

Originally Posted by irinam

We go to bed together. It takes DD between 15 to sometimes 45 minutes to fall asleep (depending on the happenings during the day, etc.,)

After that I get up and have my "down" time. Though it's mostly cleaning, cooking and laundry (I WOH, so no time during the day)

This is us exactly, except I SAH and I still don't get anything done during the day (dd is pretty high needs).

I watch for early signs of tiredness from dd, which usually happen around the same time every night (she's a pretty regular kid, tempermentally). We take a bath, then dd, dh, and I all get into bed. We have a massage, some play time, tell stories, whatever she's in the mood for. She pretty quickly settles into nursing and drifts off to sleep. It also takes 15-45 mins for us, usually on the 45 side but not always.

After she goes to sleep, I do chores, work (I WAH part time), and dh have quiet time. DD is prone to frequent nightwakings, so I stay close to the bedroom, often right next to her on the bed with the laptop.

[alegna]

DD goes to bed when we do. It's never been a struggle. But I refuse to make sleep (or food- my two issues ) a fight. I figure they'll sleep when they're tired and eat when they're hungry.

-Angela

[Mama8]

Originally Posted by alegna

DD goes to bed when we do. It's never been a struggle. But I refuse to make sleep (or food- my two issues ) a fight. I figure they'll sleep when they're tired and eat when they're hungry.

-Angela

Thanks for this light bulb moment! I usually feel this way too. Sometimes I get caught up in the situation that I forget what I truly feel. Make sense? You are right they will sleep when they are tired. If I need down time I will go into the bedroom for a breather. How much more simple. It doesn't matter if they sleep in the livingroom or bedroom. If they sleep from 9pm to 7am or from 12am to 9am (which is what they tend to do). If I truly look at my motives it was that old "What would people think if they knew how my children approach sleep?"
Sometimes the simplest relpies hit the hardest. Thanks.

[alegna]

:

Glad it helped. I have to remind myself often these days.... (right up there with the- does it REALLY matter? always important with a toddler... sigh....)

Now mind you, plenty of evenings I send dd off with daddy (like right now) so I can have a half hour without her attached.....

-Angela

[kmecke]

Has anyone ever heard of the book Starbright by Maureen Garth? Its a book on doing night meditations with your children. My dd is only 13 months old so shes not old enough for me to start doing them with her but I can't wait till she is old enought to start. I thinking about calling a friend who has a 5 year old and trying it out on him. It's a very cool book and soothing just to read and could really help your child's imagination grow and depending on how descriptive and the word usage you use could help their writing skills also. I found it on ebay but im sure you can find it anywhere.

[TeaBag]

I struggle with bedtimes, mostly because it's just me and all three of them. I try really hard to follow the "They'll sleep when they are tired" mentality, but some nights, I really just need some me time. Of course, this is usually when they've been extrememly high needs during the day, and that isn't going to change because the sun went down. I am lucky that dd1 is so easy to put to bed, a glass of milk (now that she's weaned, just this month!) and her stories and a song, and she'll lay there and put herself to bed. Ds still struggles, he doesn't like going to sleep alone yet and he's 7. Dd2 still nurses to sleep, and so usually, she's relatively easy, but she's in the process of giving up her naps, so it's one day she naps and then she's up until 11 or 12, and the next day she doesn't, so she's exhausted by 6pm.

I try, as in all things, to remember Jan Hunt's advise. Trust........and wait. They'll sleep alone and all night long when they are ready, and I"m not about to force it.

[BusyMommy]

Go to bed with them at the same time and forget about your down time for the evening?

:
I do struggle w/this but I guess I have to accept that childhood is very short and soon enough they'll want lots of space from me. Then, I can sit and contemplate my navel in peace & solitude.

[Piglet68]

While I know how wonderful it is to have evening time, we have always firmly believed in no sleep training or pushing sleep time. How we do bedtime has changed as DD went from infant to preschooler, and then changed again when DS came into the picture.

DD was a nightowl from birth. There were times when she was a toddler that she was asleep by 8 every night and only woke once or twice to nurse. That was a wonderful time, when DH and I would have date nights at home, or watch our fave shows together, and we rented movies alot. These days DD is up very late, and rarely goes to bed before I do (she has her own bed, but it's in our room and I lay with her until she goes to sleep). DS doesn't nurse to sleep, and DH has been in charge of putting him down for ages (which is a problem for me when he's not around, but that's another subject, lol) and DS has always gone to bed relatively early (by 8 pm) until lately when daylight hours are so long.

Once I tried a routine and set bedtime for DD. The darned routine took so long and such planning that it ate up my whole evening. I found if I dropped the routine and bedtime I still get some quiet time to myself and then our "routine" (jammies, teeth, bed) gets done in five minutes because she is tired and ready and doesn't fight it at all.

I don't force my kids to go to bed at a set time. They go when they are ready to go. Yeah, it sucks not to have evenings alone but then they are old enough for grandma to come babysit so we have dates every now and then. So I guess my choice is "forget about down time". You'll get it one day, I promise!

[PatchyMama]

I am seriously struggling with this right now. I have a 5 year old and an 18 month old. I would love to say "forget the down time" for the evening... but I can't help but feel a bit overused and frustrated right now. I really need some refreshment time...

My dh goes to work at like 7 am... he usually doesnt get home til 8/9pm ... and then he is exhausted and useless at bedtime. So if I don't get them to bed I have NO break whatsoever until his day off. Its stressful.. add that to a 2 children at very tough stages and trying to be the AP parent I want during the day makes a very drained mama at night time. I just dont have it in me to wait it out til 12/1am for them to want to go to sleep so I can get a moment to shower by myself.

I obviously don't have any ideas tho cause I seriously want to cry tonight over this.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by alegna

I figure they'll sleep when they're tired and eat when they're hungry.

I hate to disagree with you (especially since I think you're cool), but I'm going to. A lot of kids (boys, especially, but sometimes girls too) will get HYPER when they are tired. They will not sleep. They will not sense that they are tired. They will act like they have ADHD on caffeine. I read about it in The Minds of Boys, and it makes perfect sense.

The book explains it like this: when you are tired and driving, what do you do? Turn the radio on full blast, roll down your windows, tap your fingers, sing, move as much as possible, etc. To someone else, it will look like you are wired! But that's just your brain trying to stay awake. Some kids fight the feeling of being tired, just like we fight sleep when driving.

When my son starts pulling books off bookshelves, I know he is exhausted.


To answer the OP: If I really need "me" time after my son goes to sleep, I will set my alarm to get up in a half hour or so (the alarm is quiet enough that it usually doesn't wake him up.) Or sometimes I tell him that I need to go potty and he falls asleep waiting for me. Or, I'll put him on the couch while I do things and then he often falls asleep there (this last one is his suggestion of how to deal with having to wait for mom). And yes, if your kids will accept the substitute of daddy, by all means utilize that.

[PatchyMama]

Originally Posted by A&A

I hate to disagree with you (especially since I think you're cool), but I'm going to. A lot of kids (boys, especially, but sometimes girls too) will get HYPER when they are tired. They will not sleep. They will not sense that they are tired. They will act like they have ADHD on caffeine. I read about it in The Minds of Boys, and it makes perfect sense.

The book explains it like this: when you are tired and driving, what do you do? Turn the radio on full blast, roll down your windows, tap your fingers, sing, move as much as possible, etc. To someone else, it will look like you are wired! But that's just your brain trying to stay awake. Some kids fight the feeling of being tired, just like we fight sleep when driving.

When my son starts pulling books off bookshelves, I know he is exhausted.

Both my girls are like this. I remember my older dd at 2 or 3 years old staying up til 2 am on more than once. She eventually passed out, but at what cost to her, kwim? she doesnt sleep in, she was cranky the next day, etc. She honestly does not always just fall asleep when she is tired.. she often winds herself up even more and can't go to sleep then. I have to catch her at the right time and I sometimes miss it trying to get the toddler to sleep. :

[katallen]

I lay in bed with dd and read with a flash light or listen to a book on tape when I want to stay awake to watch a movie after she falls asleep.

[boongirl]

I only have one and I recognize that one is easier, but I just let her go to bed with me and then, if I am still awake and really want some down time, I get back up. Or, I wake up early and have my downtime in the am, like I am doing right now. My dd, 3, does not really respond accordingly to " mama really needs you to do this."

[hellyaellen]

i usually just give up

dd is 6 and in her own bed now, but when i was still laying down w/ her to get her to sleep thats just how it was. and it usually took about 45 minutes. if i didn't have any particular plans i would somestimes fall asleep too.

ds is 8 mos and is starting to ease into a schedule i can often anticipate. he is one that will work himself up when he is tired. does most of his nursing at night b/c of me wohm-ing during the day. so that gives me an easy soother some of the time (he doesn't comfort nurse so it only works if hes actually hungry) he goes down about two hours before i'm ready but if he doesn't i just accept that i wont be mdc-ing (my usual downtime activity ) tonight.

when he is super tireed and needs me there with him in the family bed i will lay down and let him crawl all over the bedd bounce around and in 30 min. to an hour he will just drop from exhaustion.

i am loving summer and not having a 6:30 wake-up. it makes it easier to deal with late nights.