Spinoff from consensual family + bedtime

[gaialice]

OK I really hit a wall now.: I have always told my dd that on weekdays she needs to go to bed early because we need to wake up early the next morning and also that after she goes to sleep it is "mommy's time".

If she is not asleep she creeps out of bed every so often and I do not feel like I can do my own thing uninterrupted. I really need time to myself. I wake up in the morning, I get ready for work, prepare breakfast, wake the kids, help them get ready to pre-K, drive them to preK, drive to work, work all day, drive home, fix kids dinner, play with kids, get them ready for bed, read to them, snuggle with them (we co-sleep) and then finally I have some time to me. I so long for that time of the day.

But then, in one of the posts in the "consensual" thread I read the following

Saying I need "my time"

It's like telling kids "OK, I have done my duty being with you. Now I deserve to have some time to rest" - i.e "you guys are a burden" or "time with you is no fun"

I am very guilty of saying this (OK in different words) to my dds!

As usual, the consensual parenting threads are eye-openers for me in that - although I do not think it is the right approach at this point with my family - at the same time I strive to find compromise and consensual solution wherever possible.

I am not sure anymore. I am really afraid giving up my alone time would backfire because I know if I do not get it and a lot of it (2 hours or so) I get nervous the next day.... but I do not want my kids to feel they are a burden to me... they are not...

[irinam]

I said that

Now, as an adult I completely understand the desire, no, acually NEED for "alone" time and crave it myself. After all we go through during the day you bet we deserve time alone (or with DH).

However, I don't think it's fair? realistic? to expect kids (until certain age of course) to understand that. I mean *fully* understand and empathize, not just "succumb to the higher power" and think "oh, well, I am *just* a kid. No wonder adults get tired of me"

As I said in the other thread, I found what "works" for me/us:

We go to bed together. It takes DD between 15 to sometimes 45 minutes to fall asleep (depending on the happenings during the day, etc.,)

After that I get up and have my "down" time. Though it's mostly cleaning, cooking and laundry (I WOH, so no time during the day)

Sometimes (very rare lately) DH and I would spend the whole evening together or with friends that came over.

Another "sometimes" I simply fall asleep. No biggie, my body probably needed it.

[gaialice]

I also do lay down in bed with my dds, and as I said we co-sleep. But for the eldest it is difficult to go to sleep if someone is with her and she will go to sleep within one minute on her own listening to Mozart or Vivaldi or any operas! I think she also likes that time of the day herself.
But the point I am trying to make is more general. Both the 3 yo and the 5 yo are well aware that we do things when they sleep. So they resent even starting the bedtime routine and having to go to bed in the first place. They would like to be with us grown-ups. They do not want to miss on mommy and daddy's time. Why blame them, really, since obviously I am working full time and have been since they were very very little
I feel very guilty of saying things like "I am there for you the whole day, but at 21:15 it is my time". I don't know. I am torn now. On the one hand, I feel it is better to be sincere but then I really do not want her to feel I reject her. KWIM?

[bellona]

This is exactly how my ds felt, climaxing when he was about your dd's age. Keep in mind, I'm not 100% consensual (like some of my idols on this board : ), but I try.

My kids have a bed time. 'Bed time' is just a fancy word for when you need to go to bed to be at your best. Mine is about 10 but that rarely happens . We have a bedtime routine and I say stuff like "it's bathtime now!" but if they refuse it's no big deal. Then when it's time I say "lets go tuck you in". If they refuse, I offer again in 5 minutes. Usually works, but with my ds at that age it wasn't flying. I explained to him that I put off alot of stuff until he goes to bed so that I can spend as much time as I can with them. If he stays up the stuff still has to get done. So I told him that he could stay up, but I wasn't able to play a whole lot until I got this stuff done and that I would like him to help me if he was going to stay up. He agreed. We spent a week this way and he was tired out after 30 minutes and I got help with the house work. That meant more 'me' time

[gaialice]

Bellona, I like this idea. In fact, that's what ended up happening on Wednesday night. She came out of her bedroom (again...) and I told her she could help me but I could no longer play or read stories and stuff. So off we went to clean the kitchen, pick up toys, prepare breakfast, feed the pets, and while I headed to folding laundry, she said she was tired. She was really tired the next day for school and last night of course she fell fast asleep 2 min after I turned the lights off. But, we'll see tonight. I think the language you use is more gentle, I'll try that...