3 year old hitting

[merrick]

We have been having a lot of issues with ds hitting dh or me when he is angry. He gets mad when we tell him he can't do/have something and usually resorts to hitting or throwing things. I've tried talking to him calmly and telling him that hitting is not ok, hurts people, etc. I've talked with him about different things he can do when he is angry- leave the room, count to 10, take deep breaths, scream into or hit a pillow. I'll ask him what are some things we can do when angry instead of hitting and he'll repeat them back to me. Then 10 seconds later get angry and hit. He has a ton of toy cars that he plays with all the time. He loves these cars so I thought taking a few away (5 at a time-he has tons!) every time he hits or throws something in anger would make an impact. Nope. I have a huge bucket of confiscated cars and he still hits.He even happily brings me the cars as though it was worth losign them to be able to hit me! I really don't know what else to do. Any advice?

[marincarrie]

Hi--we also have had a lot of issues with hitting, my son will be 3 in August. In my quest for the answer, I just finished "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves." I've read so many books, and walked away feeling good about what I read, but not feeling that I've been helped by the info.

So the section on aggression says that kids hit because they feel helpless. She says that when they are controlled a lot, this is the outcome. She also says that there are lots of occasions where your child attempts to "control" situations in play with his/her parents, and most of the time we miss the cue. An example is running away when you're trying to dress them, throwing things on the floor, etc. She says that if you can play these games with them until they tire of them, they can feel like they have some control, and the need to dominate others will be lessened. I get frustrated when he does this, and we usually end up in some kind of power struggle. Not the best thing to do!

I'm describing this as best I can, but reading it really made me realize we've been going about this in the wrong way!! We have also tried removing things, removing him from situations, etc. all of which, according to the author, create more helplessness, and therefore aggression. Which in my experience, is true--things have definitely not gotten better.

So I'm going to try it, and see if it helps. It makes perfect sense, and I've tried everything else, so why not?!? No real answer for you, just thought I'd share what I've learned!!

Good luck...
Carrie & Boden (8-19-03)

[Flor]

marincarrie- please explain further. My poor babe is in a time out becaues I just don't know what else to do. He kicked a boy at the park today. He smacked his older brother for reading over his shoulder. I try to talk to him calmly about how it hurts, and he doesn't care at this point, or tells me "I hit." He'll be 3 in August. I am so sad and frustrated. I don't know what's "normal." (Older bro is my stepson so I didn't have him when he was this age.):

[marincarrie]

Sorry it took me so long--I really wanted to sit down with the book so I could quote it for you!

So basically she says that "the most common way a child expresses helplessness is by negating and violating others." She says that if we take the childs power away, and they are continually being controlled, they will begin to feel powerless and helpless, and that they often will resort to aggression.

So the point is to restore their sense of power. An example she gives in the book is when they run away from you while getting dressed. It seems like this makes everything long and drawn out, which it does in the short term, but she said that eventually the child will tire of the game on their own and will have satisfied his need to feel powerful. She said that the parents should play along, as a player in his drama. Other examples--when your child dumps legos on the floor for the 3rd time, say "Oh no, what are we going to do?" as you collapse on the floor. When tofu is turned into play-doh "Oh no, what a mess!" She says that "Oh no" expressed dramatically and playfully signals your participation in the game. She says not to direct the "game" in any way, or you are again controlling. She says there are lots of opportunities every day that most parents miss.

Bear in mind she is an advocate of no punishments--so you may have to see how this fits into your own philosophy. I can tell you that I've been dealing with hitting for over a year--time outs did not work, removal did not work. I think it's about impulse control and addressing what drives the impulse.

This book has opened my eyes to so many things that I hadn't even thought of. Even if you are not on board with no punishments, it's so worth reading!

Good luck to you...
Carrie & Boden (8-19-03)

[straighthaircurly]

I also have had to deal with this aggression. First when my ds was almost 2 yo and was still in daycare. He didn't get along well with the lead teachers style and was acting out a lot. We quit day care because of it. It got better after a month of intense calm and attention from me. But now a year later it is rearing its ugly head again, hitting and other destructive behavior. I agree that it seems to come out when he feels powerless for whatever reason. We are working on the things others have listed but we are also using 2 other techniques: identifying feelings and working to put words to what he is feeling and mirroring which is a communication technique where you mirror back exactly what someone says and then validate their feelings and empathize. Example: ds screams that he wants his meatballs whole, not cut up (they are already cut because I didn't know it would matter this time), so I say "you want your meatballs whole not cut up, is that right?" "I can see why that might bother you" "I can imagine that you are feeling frustrated" I usually have to repeat the whole thing about three times but it seems to help him to know that he has been heard even if the actual situation isn't going to be different.

Good luck.

[Flor]

ds is quite verbal but I see that verbalizing his feelings is somewhat helpful. I saw that he was going to hit me the other day and I whispered (for attention) that I knew he was mad and he could tell me when he's mad he doesn't have to hit, and he stopped. Later, as he was about to hit, he stopped and said, "I feel mad" and I was so happy until he followed it up with, "so I'm going to hit you!" Hey, a start.

I know he feels helpless and controlled, but he's not quite 3 yet and often has to be helped (and sometimes controlled!) so it is hard. I do recognize his need to feel in controll, and I try to honor that, but with a small child still developing muscle control, manners, knowledge of the world, there are times that he needs someone else to be invovled (for example, he tells me he can stay home alone while I go to the store, or he can walk by himself to grandma's house!), and this is our struggle.

I am very interested in that book, and I will check it out.