Help with better GD in interactions between toddler and baby

[mmfoote]

I feel at a loss....I just don't know really how to handle my toddler when it comes to interactions with the baby. Everything I say has conditions attached to it, "If you are not going to be gentle, we don't want to play." "If you're going to take toys away, we're going to a different room." It just really gets my blood boiling when DS1 does something hurtful to DS2. I know that DS1 still needs a lot of my love and attention, too, as well as the baby, and I feel like I'm not giving either of them what they need. I can't seem to help DS1 to understand about being gentle and loving and I can't keep DS2 from getting hurt. As I type all of this, it seems like its probably very normal behaviour for a 29 month old, but I am just looking for suggestions or help you can give. I sometimes end up not saying anything when I know I should because I'm afraid he will do it on purpose to try to upset me (for example, I've never asked him to be quiet while the baby is nursing or asleep) When I look at that, it seems really crazy of me not to introduce being considerate for others. He certainly could understand it right? Anyway, what do you mamas say and do when interacting with a baby and toddler? Hope this all makes sense..we just had a horrible morning where DS1 kicked the baby at a picnic. Then tried to run off and I grabbed him and held him in my lap (kicking and screaming) until he was ready to say sorry: I've never even done that before with him. I try to avoid the whole time-out issue, but I knowing I am just getting more exasperated with his behaviour and I am not enjoying being with him as much. I hate that! I want to love being with my kids. Anyway, thanks in advance with any help you can give.

[marsupial*mama]

I think your expectations for his conduct/consideration with others may be too high for your 29 mth old and my impression is that you assume that your toddler won't/cannot learn from his own experience.

My approach may be a little controversial for some but it has worked in my family three times over without any negative repercussions.

I have always let them touch the baby in whatever manner comes naturally to them. I suppose my approach is very 'continuum concept' if I am to define it generally. I have never put conditions on how they touch the baby or when. Sleeping or awake, feeding or diaper changing, they have free access.

Naturally I supervise but I work hard to keep my protective instinct suppressed and my reactions demure and free of conditions. While there have been times when their interactions have been unsafe (coffee cup over baby's face, or putting food or objects in baby's mouth) or have made the baby cry, I have always been quick to intervene then offer attention and comfort to the baby. Because I have let them learn in this fashion, they have quickly become very safe and trustworthy with the baby. There has never been jealousy or resentment, even when baby is constantly on my person.

Since you have some conditioning to overcome with your little boy, you may find he doesn't have clear internal boundaries for interacting with the baby and it may take him a bit longer to learn how gentle to be or how rough he can be before the baby will cry rather than waiting for your cue to stop/alter his contact.

If my approach appeals to you I recommend you let it happen in controlled stages so that he can gradually define his own boundaries about acceptable and unacceptable touch with his sibling. In this way you nip a lot of other sibling issues (jealousy, competition, etc) in the bud because his sense of personal power is unthreatened - in my opinion anyhow.

Hope this helps,

[mmfoote]

Thanks for clearly explaining your technique marsupial mama. It is interesting. I definitely seem to not know what he can or cannot understand at this point. On one hand,I know he can understand a lot (we have been reading chapter books like Charlotte's Web at bedtime),but on the other hand, you're right I don't seem to think he will or could learn from his interactions. I need to re-read your post, so my weary brain can really wrap around it, but naptime is over, so I'll have to come back later:

[Best Feeling]

Originally Posted by marsupial*mama

I have always let them touch the baby in whatever manner comes naturally to them. I suppose my approach is very 'continuum concept' if I am to define it generally. I have never put conditions on how they touch the baby or when. Sleeping or awake, feeding or diaper changing, they have free access.

I so wish I had read this when DD2 was an infant. DD1 wasn't much interested in her but when she was, I know I hovered. I'd like to pick your brain some time on toddler-toddler interactions (DDs are 2.75 y.o. and 16 mos).

[marsupial*mama]

Please, feel free. I have a boy (6), girl (4.5), boy (2.5) and girl (7m). We have assorted age and gender dynamics. Ask me anything you want.

[mmfoote]

Marsupial mama - you mentioned that I should start with controlled stages should I decide to try this approach. Could you recommend some stages for me? I admit I am a little nervous to let him touch the baby however he wants. Sometimes when I am cooking, I will leave the two of them in the playroom. Sometimes DS1 does well with DS2, sometimes he takes toys from him, hits him, lays on him etc. Then I get worried and either stay in there with him or put DS2 back in the MT. Also, I have heard the term continuum concept, but I don't really know it. Is it a book? A Philosophy? Could you explain it further? Thanks for your help.I would love to hear any specific examples or experiences you have. I trust my DS1 in so many areas, but this one is hard for me. Thanks again.

[Fuamami]

This is hard, I agree! I tried to show trust in my dd, but she would intentionally hurt the baby, and then I would lose it. So I had to break the cycle, and the way I did that was by never letting her be alone or within striking distance of her brother. I didn't mention what I was doing, I didn't bring it up, but if she tried to get to close, I would distract her or make up an excuse to move him.

I like Marsupial Mom's idea, but my dd was mad about her brother. She was mad at us, too, and while I think she felt some good feelings toward him, she was mostly very resentful and angry towards him. I didn't think that letting her intentionally hurt him was making anyone feel better, least of all her.

Now that he's older and stronger I'm able to be much more hands off, and they do work things out a lot on their own. Oh, and also, I wouldn't ask him to be quiet. I think it is a lot to ask, and I don't think toddlers are capable of maintaining quiet, so it's just setting him up for failure. Good luck!