How to handle a strong-headed toddler?

[MamiMaren]

Hi Everybody!

I need some help. I feel like my son's behavior (3 1/2) is getting out of control. He is a wonderful child but he doesn't handle it well when things don't go his way. Either he starts whining or throwing a huge tantrum. And then he can really get out of control. I know I am to blame for his behavior; I am not the best role model when it comes to patience and I, unfortunately, often resort to yelling. I am really trying to work on myself.
But do you have any suggestions what I should do next time my son doesn't get his way and starts kicking and screaming? I don't really believe in time-outs or sending a kid to his/her room (and definitely not in spanking), but what is a good, gentle way of disciplining?
Thanks for your advice!

A tired mommy of two sweet troublemakers (21 months and 3 1/2 years)

[marincarrie]

I wish I had good advice for you--we have many, many problems, but I guess fortunately for us, tantrums really aren't one of them. Well, I guess my son tantrums, but only when he's tired, and usually if I just say, "is it ok if I hold you" he'll come over and curl up in my lap.

I know there are people out there who will have some really good advice for you, but there were a lot of posts today, and I think yours got overlooked.

So...bump!!

Good luck!
Carrie

[mbravebird]

I don't have much time right now (about to put ds to bed), but wanted say that the only thing I have found helpful with tantrums is empathy. Really, any reasoning at all just escalates it with us. Empathy alone, even if you're making yourself do it, will help. Tantrums can make us feel helpless and like we have to "do" something more than empathy, but really that's what they need most at that point.

I've gotta run, but maybe someone can jump in and give some examples of empathic reflecting of feelings during a tantrum? I've only had to experience a few tantrums with ds so far, so maybe others have some other ideas, too.

[Llyra]

My patented tantrum-strategy

I have a child who tantrums often. She's not even 2 yet, so it's a bit different, but she's the sort who really doesn't want to be held when she's upset. If I try to hold her, she'll push me away, and if I resist, she'll hit.

Here's what I do:

I've found that the first thing to do is to sit down, nearby the child. If he'll let you hold him, do so. Just sit down and count to 5 inside your head. Then quietly (quiet is important, because yelling escalates the child's yelling, which in turn escalates yours) state in simple appropriate language what the problem is, and verbalize what you believe the child is feeling. As in, "I know, baby, you want to bring that sand in the house. You're mad, mad, mad because mama said no. Mad, mad, mad." Put a little oomph into it; your child has strong feelings that need verbalizing. Then wait a minute. Count to 5 again.

Then calmly state your point of view: "The sand hurts the floor, so you can't bring it in. Sand has to stay outside." (Sand takes the finish off my hardwood, BTW!!!)

Then just sit and wait until the tantrum runs its course. Don't placate, don't beg, don't threaten. Just wait. If your child will accept physical comforting, go for it. If not, just stay nearby. If it goes on for awhile, try more empathy, more verbalizing, but realize that you can't stop it. Only the child can stop himself. This also gives you the chance to reflect on solutions, and reflect on how important you think the issue is. Are you willing to negotiate, or do you really mean what you say? Make a decision now, while your waiting, about what you are willing to offer in terms of help, distraction, solutions. This gives you something to think about besides how frustrated you are.

When it stops, you can offer comfort, distraction, or an alternative to whatever was wanted. You can also offer help, if the child was frustrated over a difficult task. Offer some suggestions that are acceptable to you-- not too many, or it's overwhelming. As in, "why don't I come out and play in the sand WITH you?" or "how about we put the sand outside and go read a book?" Now is the time for negotiating, but avoid the temptation to just give in. If you really meant what you said, stick to your guns. Don't criticize or punish or impose consequences for the tantrum.

If your ideas set up another fit, repeat as necessary.

If at any time your child becomes physically aggressive to you, put a bit of physical distance between the two of you, then calmly say, "that hurt. I don't want you to hurt me. I'll sit over here, and if you want to be close to me, you can come over here."

In my experience, this method won't stop tantrums. Nothing but maturity, and greater facility with language, will do that. But it does do wonders for your level of calm. I like to think it communicates to DD that her strong feelings are okay, that it's okay with me for her to express them, and that I understand her point of view. At the same time, it communicates to her that tantrums aren't a method of solving a problem-- talking is. Tantrums aren't going to change my mind when my mind is made up. And tantrums aren't going to get a rise out of me.

[marsupial*mama]

It doesn't sound like out of control tantrum behaviour. How often do you have these outbursts? The frequency would give a better indication if this is 'normal' or not. The previous poster offered some wonderful suggestions.

I just wanted to add that prevention is the most powerful tactic for dealing with tantrums and aggression. If you know the kinds of situations that set off your DS, then you can take measures to avoid or reduce them. Planning ahead, avoiding certain challenges at fragile times, keeping up with food, drink, sleep requirements can all help to keep him level and avoid challenging him at vulnerable times.

And I also think tantrums are often caused by our own inconsistencies, or expectations in any given moment. Toddlers tantrum because they are frustrated or confused. We can do a lot to reduce these challenges by paying attention to where they're at and how they're engaged in what they're doing so that our own communication with them has a better chance of being well received. Flow with the current rather than swim against it, yk?