No, it's not any term I got from anywhere else - it's more a concept of how I try to parent (try being the operative word - it is a daily pursuit in personal growth).
The thing about Zen is that it's all about process. To focus on the outcome is to become attached and try to manipulate a situation for our own benefit. There are times when this is entirely appropriate - we are guardians of our children after all - safety and hygiene are pretty essential to health and well being.
But in terms of 'discipline' I think cultivating a healthy sense of detachment from obtaining a specific outcome can be very liberating for parents and empowering for children. This is what I mean by having a process focus. Reading here I see others share this philosophy but refer to it by many other terms (none of which are coming to me in this moment - sorry!). I notice a lot of discussion about expectations and that is getting into the territory I describe here, but not all the way.
And it doesn't mean that household tasks and children's chores don't get done. In fact, being process focused in our household very well guarantees that they do, because theyare part of our daily routine and the children have come to be very familiar with them! Yet, it's all a part of being 'in the NOW' and savouring the moment we're in. Adopting a more process focus has permitted me a more spontaneous and creative approach to parenting that my children (and husband) appreciate. OK, I'm not perfect and I lapse into having expectations and making demands just about every day. But the important thing is I keep working on it. That's what process is all about.
Without writing a novel, I'll try to summarise my philosophy by pointing out that none of us became parents for the sake of having a healthy well adjusted child as an outcome. We became parents because we wanted the learning that comes with having baby-chaos in our lives. We wanted the process of becoming a parent, the process of watching our baby grow and become gradually more independent, the process of transformation that comes with such an ongoing, life-changing experience. You cannot obtain an outcome without giving due consideration to the process. Parenting is about the journey.
Sounds all waffley and air-fairy now that I write it. But some examples of it in functional terms:
Outcome: Potty training
Process: Elimination communication
Outcome: Healthy eating
Process: Modelling and provision of healthy choices
Outcome: Tidy home
Process: Daily domestic ritual
Outcome: Sibling harmony
Process: Permitting space for psycho-social learning and mistake-making
.... the list goes on. I suppose when I think of the word 'discipline' I interpret it as applying to myself rather than to my children. I know I'm not the only one here who sees it this way. Can we start a discussion here that might help to articulate the difference between process and outcome? I realise I'm using language that is foreign to this forum and might be hard to understand.
The thing about Zen is that it's all about process. To focus on the outcome is to become attached and try to manipulate a situation for our own benefit. There are times when this is entirely appropriate - we are guardians of our children after all - safety and hygiene are pretty essential to health and well being.
But in terms of 'discipline' I think cultivating a healthy sense of detachment from obtaining a specific outcome can be very liberating for parents and empowering for children. This is what I mean by having a process focus. Reading here I see others share this philosophy but refer to it by many other terms (none of which are coming to me in this moment - sorry!). I notice a lot of discussion about expectations and that is getting into the territory I describe here, but not all the way.
And it doesn't mean that household tasks and children's chores don't get done. In fact, being process focused in our household very well guarantees that they do, because theyare part of our daily routine and the children have come to be very familiar with them! Yet, it's all a part of being 'in the NOW' and savouring the moment we're in. Adopting a more process focus has permitted me a more spontaneous and creative approach to parenting that my children (and husband) appreciate. OK, I'm not perfect and I lapse into having expectations and making demands just about every day. But the important thing is I keep working on it. That's what process is all about.
Without writing a novel, I'll try to summarise my philosophy by pointing out that none of us became parents for the sake of having a healthy well adjusted child as an outcome. We became parents because we wanted the learning that comes with having baby-chaos in our lives. We wanted the process of becoming a parent, the process of watching our baby grow and become gradually more independent, the process of transformation that comes with such an ongoing, life-changing experience. You cannot obtain an outcome without giving due consideration to the process. Parenting is about the journey.
Sounds all waffley and air-fairy now that I write it. But some examples of it in functional terms:
Outcome: Potty training
Process: Elimination communication
Outcome: Healthy eating
Process: Modelling and provision of healthy choices
Outcome: Tidy home
Process: Daily domestic ritual
Outcome: Sibling harmony
Process: Permitting space for psycho-social learning and mistake-making
.... the list goes on. I suppose when I think of the word 'discipline' I interpret it as applying to myself rather than to my children. I know I'm not the only one here who sees it this way. Can we start a discussion here that might help to articulate the difference between process and outcome? I realise I'm using language that is foreign to this forum and might be hard to understand.
From a zen perspective I just wanted to share that it took me hours to formulate the post above - with constant interruption from the children for toileting, painting set up and clean up, fixing lunch, cleaning up lego, putting baby to bed and sweeping play doh from the floor. 
:
Hey, wow! My husband and I were just talking about this, in just this language, last night. He's an improv instructor and performer, and he often spends time teaching kids in schools to value the process of creating rather than the product of the scene.
It was much scarier than I thought it would be. Somehow I was prepared for ds to see a stranger hitting, but I think it shook us both up to see our dear toddler friend being hit. And for ds it seemed like the first realization that parents hit kids. I was so sad about this, for all of us, and was processing it with dh. His theory was that mainstream discipline teaches parents that they have to mold the familiy into the "good" end of the spectrum and away from the "bad" end of the spectrum (using parent's needs, not kids' needs, to decide what's 'good' and 'bad'), when really it's about developing a relationship to support each other no matter where on the spectrum we are, whether it's a good day or bad day, whether we're happy or upset. In short, it's about the process of encountering each other rather than trying to control results. Just what you were describing, right? I think this is really important.
Of course, sometimes I serve frozen pizza. And sometimes I lose my temper.
Or, in my own case, the occasional parental meltdown doesn't over-ride the majority of good parenting I have managed to provide. I don't beat myself up too much about it. Tomorrow is another day.
