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Do you know anyone who spanks? - Page 3

post #41 of 154
I don't know anyone who spanks or thinks it is okay. From what I've read, less parents here psank than in the U.S. Unfortunately, spanking is still legal here, but there are narrow parameters on it.
post #42 of 154
Most of the people I know spank. it seems to unfortunately be the "norm" here. I also hear people verbally abusing their kids just about every time I go to the grocery store.
post #43 of 154
I don't really have friends with kids old enough to spank (just babies), so I don't actually know their philosophies on this issue. I was shocked recently, though, when two different friends told me nonchalantly that their parents had hit them WITH A BELT when they were kids. These are both people from otherwise happy, healthy, loving families, who had never said anything negative to me about their parents before.

Both the sets of parents are a little older than the norm for my generation ... like in their 70s. I guess that's just what was considered normal when they were growing up. But I was still totally shocked.
post #44 of 154
i think everyone i know really well spanks. Certainly everyone in my family does. I am trying hard to break the cycle , but it is so hard. I have a rambunctious two yr old, and sometimes she pushes me to the limit.
post #45 of 154
no one in my circle of friends (the ones that i see all the time) spank, but i do know people who do, and it makes me so
post #46 of 154
The only people I know who spank are my cousins who live in...you guessed it, the South. There really are different norms in different parts of the country. That said, some of my cousins rarely spank and are really pretty GD, while my one male cousin "pops" his kids for anything and has been doing it since they were babies. It is so sad. So there is a big range among spankers, too.

Re the biting thing, my mom (who is also from the South, incidentally) said that when I was 1 or so and got into a biting phase, she bit me back and I never did it again. This is totally the common way to deal with biting in our extended family. My mom and dad both spanked us, and my mom also slapped us a few times and once threw a phone at me but I have to say that the SHAMING and emotional/verbal abuse I received in childhood (mostly from my dad, but from my mom too) was in general more traumatic than the hitting. And they never hit us with an implement, just their hands - and never made us remove our pants for a spanking, although I remember my dad threatening to do so at least once.

Yikes, just writing about it makes me feel sick - no wonder I still have such bitterness about my childhood even though I have a pretty good relationship with my parents now and think they are both good people. It's just so sad that it is culturally "normal" to hit, shame and humiliate your children.
post #47 of 154
just wanted to add to my earlier post.

they ignore their kids misbehaving at first, they don't nip things in the bud, and then when the kid is over the top and acting really inappropriately the parents go from ignoring to "it's whoopin' time".
this is where i as a spanker mess up. its when i am trying to give dd (6yo) an opportunity to correct her own behavior and fail to intervene in a timely enough fashion to keep myself from losing it.

heres an example:
dd gets hyper yelling running aroung getting too in my face for comfort. i ignore it. she gets worse. i ignore it. finally "dd please settle down." ...and then when she doesn't comply b/c she's already all wound up and i am insane from the noise/motion/proximity i end up spanking

or i ask her to do something she refuses it becomes a battle of wills and i forget the the important thing is for x to happen not for me to "win" and i end up spanking.

i guess i really am starting to change my behaviour b/c dh said to me the other night during example one (before it had progressed too far) well if you're not going to spank her you should send her to her room. and we did send her to her room. and she did come out calmer.

it is a journey progrees figuring out what to do instead of spanking though
post #48 of 154
Originally Posted by hellyaellen
it is a journey progrees figuring out what to do instead of spanking though
Well, I see it as being akin to deciding not to do CIO. You just make the decision and that's it. It is not an option, it is not on the table, so you just have to find alternatives even if they are hard to find. As long as spanking is still an option for you you will find a way to rationalize it and it will keep happening. Just tell yourself that from this day going forward, it doesn't matter what happens, how stressed you are or what DD's behavior is like, spanking is not an option. You will find alternatives.

(this is the mindset I used to quit smoking, btw, and if it works with an entrenched addiction like smoking, I have no doubt it can work with anything that is important to you - but it does have to be important to you!)
post #49 of 154
There are pillars of AP in my view. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing and gentle discipline being those pillars.

Now, I accept that some cases warrant ff.
Some parents cannot comfortably sleep with thier child but find things so that the child can be in thier room with them.
Babywearing...once again, there were times when mine were so big and we were walking that I would use a stroller at times...

But Gentle Discipline is a deal breaker with AP in my opinion. You simply cannot AP if you can defend spanking as a choice in your parenting tool box. There is NOTHING attachment forming in hitting another person.

To me AP is recognizing that breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing and gentle discipline are the way it should be.
post #50 of 154
I have removed some posts from this thread relating to advocating spanking, and moved it from Toddlers to GD.
post #51 of 154
Yup. My neighbor spanks. A lot.
She takes spoons and sticks in to threaten with. I haven't ever seen her USE them.. but still...
post #52 of 154
A guy I used to work with had a DS that was exactly a month younger than my DS. When his baby was about 11 months old, they took him to the doc, and she told him that they should use spanking to discipline their baby. He said, "She said to tell DS not to do something once, and if he didn't stop, then you spank him." The reason I know this is because he'd confessed that he'd, "given DS his first spanking" that day. When I questioned him on why he would feel the need to do that to such a young baby, he told me about the doctor. The offense? Getting into the dog's food and water... which was on the floor, of course. I told him his doctor was full of crap, and that if he was interested in a more effective way of dealing with his son, I would be glad to help. I did end up sending him a ton of info on GD.

That being said, I live in TX, the land of "I'm gonna give you a whoopin'." : Most parents do it out of ignorance because, "that's what you're supposed to do." I was lucky (oh so lucky) to be raised by parents who went from spankers to non-spankers and are now paragons of GD. I think there is one other parent at work who doesn't spank, but he does make endless use of time outs.
post #53 of 154
I don't know of anyone who spanks and haven't seen it done in public either. Like a few other posters, I also find it suprising when I hear about others' feeling of loneliness regarding their parenting options. But then I don't see why there'd be a separate forum on circumcision, for example, it's just not done around here so you just assume people don't do it. Some very sad stories on this thread...
post #54 of 154
Around here, most people seem to keep spanking in their "discipline kit" but don't use it exclusively.

I recently had a friend venting to me about her kids, and feeling overwhelmed, and explained how "sometimes I have to spank" and "I threaten to spank much more often than I actually do it- just the threat is enough." I forget exactly what I said, but I tried to be non-judgemental while saying that I don't discipline the exact same way.

I've never felt like a "weirdo" for not spanking- most of the spanking around here is done in private.
post #55 of 154
its not uncommon to see someone doing it in walmart or the grocery store....
post #56 of 154
Originally Posted by limabean
Seriously? That's awful. I guess I should count my blessings that I'm able to parent the way I want to *and* don't have to deal with having to explain myself to everyone around me. Around here, the mother who spanks her child in public is the one to get the glares.
Yep, here too. I know two families who spank, my MIL and BIL, who are pretty dysfunctional, and an old friend of mine, but she doesn't live around here. I would imagine that if she did she wouldn't, because it's just not very acceptable. Lots and lots of people use reward charts, time-outs, and privelege removal, but I think it's a good sign that it's so unacceptable to hit your kids. Progress!
post #57 of 154
There is only one other couple I know that do not spank their children. When Oscar was younger and wasn't as verbal, he used to ask for things by whinning/fussing. Almost all of my friends that were parents told me that I had to get him out of that stage by pinching or spanking him everytime he did it. I tried to explain that was the only way he could communicate with me.

Spanking is still the norm over here. My small town isn't so up to date. People here believe in the "Do it or else". Common phrases for spilling milk on the floor or shutting cubboard drawers are "do it again and you'll get a stinger or Do you want a smack?". This is to children as young as one year. Its a real great place to watch children be raised.

I used to socialise with these people when Oscar was quite young. Now, I don't have the patients or the stomach.

Sara & Oscar (04/11/26)
post #58 of 154
Even one of the "ap" moms I know do. I only know a few moms, and 2 consider themselves AP. One of them used to spank... and now she doesn't spank, but she swats.
post #59 of 154
Man, I just can't believe this thread! I didn't consider myself living in a particularly progressive area (Reno), but I am going to remember to be more grateful that I am.
post #60 of 154
Originally Posted by Shaunam

I think here in the bible belt, spanking is not only considered ok, but a necessary part of raising a child. You constantly see it in public. And strangers are real quick to offer up advice on how "a good 'pop' will teach him..."

Oh man, I'm gonna be moving to the south soon. I would FREAK if some stranger said that to me. :
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