my mother's voice...

[MsGrizzle]

Ugh. I don't post here often but you are all so great - I need to be amongst those who understand. On a thread here a few weeks ago we discussed family members who are OB nurses and how they react to homebirth. I was quick to say that I'd never tell my mother until after because I was sure she would freak out (she's been an L&D nurse for close to 40 years). Unfortunately, I was correct.

She started talking today about how I should be getting my cervix checked to see if I'm dilated - I'm just about 37 weeks. I told her that I was never checked last time and won't this time and besides, it doesn't mean anything anyway!! She gave me one of her patented "she thinks she knows more than me" sighs. Then she said I need to go to the hospital the second I have a contraction (my first labor was 3 hours start to finish) and that I need to call 911 if dh is not here when it happens. I kind of avoided the conversation with something like, "Oh whatever happens, happens, it will all work out" and she said, in a very loud, angry voice, "YOU BETTER NOT BE HAVING THIS BABY AT HOME. DO. NOT. DO. IT." I just said, "Oh don't worry about me, everything is all ready to go" and I quickly switched topics. I don't think she believes I would do it - and she probably is mostly worried about a UC which would completely put her over the edge.

Now I'm afraid I'll have her voice in my head the whole time. I can't let her ruin this plan for me! I need to start doing some affirmations and pick of my Ina May books and start reading. Thanks for listening.

[DuckyTate]

May I suggest having your Mom join you at home so that she can know first hand that your safe and sound and that your plan is safe workable and healthy.

Talk to her again to get her voice out of your head. Trust me it will be worth the effort.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Sounds like if ur mom was there she would more than likely call 911 I wish she could be more supportive. :

[laohaire]

I disagree. A birth needs to be attended by supportive, calm people. If mom comes, she'll be panicking about everything - "She hasn't progressed fast enough," "The baby is probably in distress," "She's pushed for 30 minutes, she's almost out of time, we have to take her to the ER," etc.

That's not a good situation to give birth in.

I had a question for the OP - what is your mom's voice saying in your head? I mean, is her voice making you doubt yourself, or making you angry, or what?

[MsGrizzle]

May I suggest having your Mom join you at home so that she can know first hand that your safe and sound and that your plan is safe workable and healthy.

Talk to her again to get her voice out of your head. Trust me it will be worth the effort.

Unfortunately, no. First of all, my mother is a huge "the sky is falling" type of person - I wouldn't want her there even if she supported homebirth! She will never-ever believe it will be okay. I can't even convince her that half the chain emails she forwards to me are frauds! When she's right, she's right!

I had a question for the OP - what is your mom's voice saying in your head? I mean, is her voice making you doubt yourself, or making you angry, or what?

Good question. I think it is making me doubt, even though I know I am doing the right thing. I'm not sure how I feel - uneasy comes to mind.

[Attached Mama]

So sorry your mom is being a .......

Remember the truth!! There is a saying that goes "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

The truth is that homebirth is far safer than hsptl birth and your body as a woman is made to give birth! You will have a wonderful successful birth! I know it's hard when people who should believe in and support us are ignorant. Just keep the truth in mind!

[laohaire]

I can totally relate. My mom (a nurse! but not L&D thank god) was actually supportive and present at my home birth, but I had some moments of doubt (not from my mom though). I had PROM and after hours and even days went by I had to keep reassuring myself.

I wish I knew about MDC then so I could have gotten reassurance.

Here's my suggestion:

1) Get a folder.

2) Make a list of why you decided on home birth - why you feel it is the safest and best option for you. Print it out and put it in the a folder.

3) Make copies of any pages in any homebirth book(s) that are inspirational to you - such as a section that really made sense to you or maybe even convinced you about something you weren't sure about before. Put it in the folder.

4) Start as many threads on MDC that you need to to get reassurance on any nagging issue you're still stuck with. Plenty of mamas here that are thrilled to keep your spirits up and tell you you're doing the right thing. Print out those threads and . . . you guessed it, put it in the folder.

5) Put the folder near the john or next to your bed or wherever you like. Either read it only when your mom's voice is loud, or maybe read it every day on the throne or before bed until you have it memorized.

There! Hope that might help.

[mamabain]

you can do it. homebirth is what you have chosen to do and your mom's doubts aren't relevant. do what you decided is best for your family and especially this baby. maybe avoid talking to mom about birth at all?

sending peaceful, "i know my body knows what to do" vibes to you.

[heidi_m]

cori - i just got some really great homebirth statistics if you want to try to give your mom any positive literature (if you think she'll even read it!). one of the awesome mamas here sent it to me, so PM me if you want me to email them to you.

i'm so sorry you're dealing with that negative crap - as my hbac draws closer with our latest little one i have been trying to be really protective of trusting my body, etc and also trying to help my pregnant cousin to not be exposed to any reading materials that will undermine her trust in her own body...

you will have a GREAT home birth!! sending you lots of good vibes and a

heidi

[MamaTaraX]

On the one hand, I'd suggest talking to yourmom and telling her what's up so she can get her whatever she has to say over and done. On the other, that could put a lot of stress on you when what you need to do is be calm and give birth. That sounds really tough. I was thinking that by talking toyour mom and letting her blabber on and on it could be "over and done" at least a little. but the more I think aboutit, the more i think that perhaps you should just avoid your mom at all costs until thebaby is here. Wait as long as possible after the birth to contact her and plug your ears when she starts with the "So glad it went well. It could have beenmuch worse! Thank God nothing BAD happened!!" speaches.

I wish youmuch peace and a beautiful birth. Meditate, journal, do whatever you need to turn your mother's negative words in your head into positive ones that you can hear over and over again. You need positivity..you are about to welcome a new person to the world! I'm so sorry that your mom has brought you down so. Mother's should be supportive of their birthing daughters. Period.

Namaste, Tara

[TurboClaudia]

sending you peace and wisdom, mama...

and some beautiful labor vibes...

~claudia

[Mama Poot]

My own mom is an RN of 30 years. She isn't an L&D nurse, but still thinks she knows everything about it. DH and I are not telling her anything about our UC homebirth plans because her attitude is just TOXIC when it comes to these things. I know your mom is your mom, but if her voice and her words cause you that much distress, I would avoid her until the baby is born. If you have caller ID and she is calling, don't even pick up that phone. This is a time for you to be happy and be supported 1000%. Anyone who can't do that for you doesn't need to be involved.

[MsGrizzle]

Thanks so much everyone - your words are so helpful!

I also really like the idea of printing things out to read everyday. I already created a folder with some of the recent homebirth studies to show her after when she asks how I could do such a thing - I'm always looking for more so I PM'd you Heidi.

I appreciate the idea of getting it all talked over now, but knowing the way she works, she'd be calling everyday to tell me I'm going to die or the baby will. She always been like this my whole life - trying to undermine my confidence and convince me I'm wrong - so I think it is best to avoid her at this point!

Thanks so much!

[heidi_m]

Originally Posted by soapdiva

she'd be calling everyday to tell me I'm going to die or the baby will.

Sister, that's what Caller ID is for - how do you think I avoid talking to my in-laws on the RARE occasions when they actually call?

[katt]

I don't know if it will help, but we have a friend who is a nurse, not necessarily an OB nurse, but i'm sure she's made the rounds.
Anyway, she is very supportive of my Homebirth plans and all my choices regarding baby and birth so far. She's seen too many mistakes and sad/uninformed choices at hospitals to believe that they are best for everyone.

Good Luck

[MsGrizzle]

Sister, that's what Caller ID is for - how do you think I avoid talking to my in-laws on the RARE occasions when they actually call?

My mother lives close enough that she'd be driving over if I don't answer the phone...(she's done that in the past)

[LoveChild421]

OMG SoapDiva I think we have the same mother! My mom called every single day from 37 weeks on to see if I was having contractions or if I thought it might be soon. It really stressed me out but I had to make a very focused effort to just tune that energy and all of the negativity that has gone on for years between me and my mom out. There is something about a mom's disapproval that cuts straight to the heart- even if I intellectually don't give a flip what she thinks there is a part of me that still seeks her understanding and approval. I did a lot of journaling about it and a lot of ignoring her and necessary lying about the birth plans.

It's funny because she called a few hours before ds was born and dp just told her that I was starting to have some contractions and couldn't talk and then we called her back 5 hours later and I told her to come on over (the birth high totally wiped out all the anxiety I had about how she would react) and you know what? She wasn't bitchy at all!!! She was just overjoyed to have a grandchild and came over right away- it was one of the most beautiful moments my mom and I have ever had. All of her usual bs just dropped away and all of my resentment left for that moment and as she helped me care for ds during those first weeks of his life I felt as if finally we weren't at odds with each other.

So just focus on you and your baby and having a beautiful birth. She may even surprise you and not react like her usual self when you tell her after the fact.

[ColoradoMama]

What a stressful thing for you to have to deal with. A dear friend had a very stressful situation surrounding her birth a couple of years ago. One thing she did was take all the affirmations from her Blessingway - mount them on paper - and put them up all over her bedroom. I remember that I took her oldest daughter for the afternoon and another friend helped her hang them. It was a pretty powerful room and it was where she gave birth. If you need some affirmations - ask your friends - or us. I'm sure we could give you lots! Good luck - you're going to be great!

[Mrs_Hos]

Any chance you can book a room at Ina May's FARM? Your mom won't find you there!

[ericswifey27]

Originally Posted by soapdiva

I appreciate the idea of getting it all talked over now, but knowing the way she works, she'd be calling everyday to tell me I'm going to die or the baby will. She always been like this my whole life - trying to undermine my confidence and convince me I'm wrong - so I think it is best to avoid her at this point!

Thanks so much!

Sounds familiar...

Originally Posted by soapdiva

My mother lives close enough that she'd be driving over if I don't answer the phone...(she's done that in the past)

When you go into labor can you have DH call your mom and let her know that you would like to enjoy the birthing experience alone as a couple, that she'll be the first to be called when the baby is born. That way she won't freak out and call 911 when you don't answer the door or her phone calls. Don't say whether you are the hospital or your house, just park your car in the garage or somewhere where mom can't see it, tell the midwife to do the same, draw the blinds, dismantle the doorbell, whatever you need to do...

Good luck and good vibes!