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DD boyfriend over when parents not home

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
Do you let your son/daughter have their boy/girlfriends over when you are not home?
post #2 of 19
how old are they?
I would if they were over 18 and done with school.
post #3 of 19
I would hope that any boyfriend/girlfriend my kids would have would be someone we could both trust. It is not an issue at this point for me because my kids are not dating (they are 12 and not quite 15 yet), but I imagine it will be an issue at some point. We'd discuss it when it comes up...what we both feel about the situation, and what we both want etc.

I wonder what does being done with school have to do with it? Just curious. And at 18 they are an adult. A young one for sure, but still a legal adult. I wonder what that age really means beyond that. I mean so at 17 yrs and 4 months they can't have a boy/girlfriend over but as soon as they hit 18 it's all good?
post #4 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa
I would hope that any boyfriend/girlfriend my kids would have would be someone we could both trust. It is not an issue at this point for me because my kids are not dating (they are 12 and not quite 15 yet), but I imagine it will be an issue at some point. We'd discuss it when it comes up...what we both feel about the situation, and what we both want etc.

I wonder what does being done with school have to do with it? Just curious. And at 18 they are an adult. A young one for sure, but still a legal adult. I wonder what that age really means beyond that. I mean so at 17 yrs and 4 months they can't have a boy/girlfriend over but as soon as they hit 18 it's all good?
they can certainly have a boyfriend/girlfriend over before that, just not while we are not there. My parents let us have friends over that we were romantically involved with,when they were not home, and as I see it now it only led to sexual encounters (everytime). It is very hard at that age to find places to have these encounteres so when it is handed to you on a silver platter you will take advantage. I know that it will not stop it from happening completly. And as for being out of school. well I think if they are 18 they are:
1. more mature at this point and
2. if they have finished school (we homeschool ) I have to give them more respect as an adult and trust that they will do what they believe is right for them at that point. I wouln't feel like they could ruin their life at that point if they were to get pregnant or something. they would be old enough and been through enough to decide for themselves.
3. there has to be some starting point for that . I don't have an 18 year old yet so as time goes on I may change my mind and make it sooner who knows??
post #5 of 19
I am not the parent to live kids unsupervised for long periods of time. Even if its her and her girlfriends. I do not feel ok with leaving a person's child alone when they are supposed to be under my supervision. That being said, A boy would never be left alone with my daughter in my home. Maybe if she was closer to 17 or 18 and I knew the boy well and for sometime I might consider it. But to leave her with a boy I barely know, alone in my home... umm no way too much of a safety issue with me.
post #6 of 19
Umm.....that's precisely how I got pregnant at age 15 . I was the picture of a "good" and "responsible" kid. I had NEVER got into any significant trouble, no drugs, no drinking, had perfect grades, great friends, etc. But my boyfriend had parents who left us home alone. Nuff said. It'll never happen with my children if I can help it. I'm already educating my 10 yr old about sex and we are very open about it. But I'm not just gonna invite it to happen.
post #7 of 19
I'm extremely open about sex with my 10.5 year old, and I've already told her that she will not be alone with a boy, and I've explained why. I don't believe children should be sheltered... Quite the opposite... I want her to know why I won't leave her alone. Both my husband and I had our first children (Him 18 w/his HS girlfriend... Me 19 with a friend...), and both of us were seemingly responsible kids. It's not even about trust... It's about hormones, and how hard it is to control their hormones at that age...

I've been honest with her... That while she is the best thing that's ever happened to ME, I feel for HER, since her parents aren't together. I've had to work full time almost all her life to support her, and never got to be the mom to her that I wanted to be. I'm actually raising my babies now, since I'm married and a SAHM.

Oh, and I've told her what a wonderful thing sex is... But that I hope she waits until she finds the perfect man and marries him first. I know that's a foreign concept these days, but with teenage pregnancies, and various STD's going around, it shouldn't be.

So, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not, but y'know, I can't do any worse than my parents...
post #8 of 19
Excuse me for butting in... I saw this thread on the main page...

Kids home alone with their boyfriends/girlfriends doesn't lead to pregnancy. I think that education about how pregnancy (and STDs as well as emotional hurt and complications that come from sex) happens is much more important than saying, "I don't want you home alone with your boyfriend." If they want to have sex, they're going to find another place to do it.

I was allowed to have boyfriends over when my parents weren't home from the time I was a junior in high school (aged about 17). I didn't start having sex until I was over 18, towards the end of my senior year of high school. I knew how to avoid diseases and pregnancy. And I am grateful to the somewhat controversial health teacher who told my ninth grade class that if we didn't believe in abortion, we shouldn't be having sex in high school.
post #9 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by bhawkins
Umm.....that's precisely how I got pregnant at age 15 . I was the picture of a "good" and "responsible" kid. I had NEVER got into any significant trouble, no drugs, no drinking, had perfect grades, great friends, etc. But my boyfriend had parents who left us home alone. Nuff said. It'll never happen with my children if I can help it. I'm already educating my 10 yr old about sex and we are very open about it. But I'm not just gonna invite it to happen.

How funny, I got preganant at 14 the opposite way! (Well I imagine we got pregnant the same way but whatever... ) I had a mom who did not talk to me about it, or trust me. So I snuck around and lied to get a bit of freedom and autonomy, got myself into situations I wasn't ready for, and felt I couldn't tell my mom because she'd be mad. (I was right, she was.)

If I had been able to talk to her, and she'd discussed stuff with me about limits and such it could have gone so much better. I could have had boys/girls over and maybe I would have felt strong enough to stand up for those limits.
post #10 of 19
Not there yet as mine are too young to date, but when the time comes I am going to say the answer would be no.
post #11 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jefinner
It's not even about trust... It's about hormones, and how hard it is to control their hormones at that age...

...
EXACTLY!
It is very hard to not succumb to pressure from boys (and your own hormones!) as it is, so I feel that limiting the time alone or at least not making it so easy helps. I am grateful to my parents, especially my mom who was a virgin until she married my father (they are going on their 49th anniversary and still very much in love). I'm not saying thats the answer but waiting until you are in a commited loving relationship is what I was taught and when all the girls around me were having lots of sex with different guys, I still waited.
post #12 of 19
We talk about why we don't go into private/alone places with opposite sexes unless you know forsure you want sex. I have told my kids sex is pleasure if parterners are considerate of each other and when you are a teen your hormones take over at times. Also it is along the lines of "playing it safe" and preventing rape and/or regretted sex.
post #13 of 19
I have a funny story about this. No, we did not allow my dd to have her boyfriend in the house when we were not home - this was when she was 15 years old. One evening, my dh and I went out and my dd was home alone. When we arrived home, around 9 pm, we saw her boyfriend's bike parked out front of the house. My husband and I looked at each other conspiratorially, and, without a word, my dh started around the house to enter in the back door to the basement where my dd usually goes in the evening to watch tv. I went in the front door as normal.

When I got inside, my dd was breathlessly standing in the hallway, her elbow ever-so-casually resting on the hall table. She said, "Hi!" I said, "Hi". Meanwhile, the boyfriend had rushed out the basement door, right into my husband! It was priceless.
post #14 of 19
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all your replies.

I've always had the rule of no boys in the house when I am gone. My DD is now 18 but has special needs, her cognitive abilities are closer to a 12 year old (unfortunatly hormones don't care about your mental abilities...they just come raging along anyways!).

Lately I have started letting my DD have the guys from her group come to our house as well as the girls and I said as long as there are other friends here, she could have her boyfriend over as well (when I am not home). This has mostly gone fine, although the boyfriend is here WAY more than I like!

My DD has also started lying and sneaking around with her boyfriend (neither drive so it's not a real big deal...they can't go far) she'll go off to Target (her and her friends hang out there because it's closer than the mall! Cracks me up...what does one do at Target 4 times a week?!) Anyway, she'll tell me that she's meeting Amy and Jenn, then later when I ask if Denny was there too she'll say yes. Why can't she just tell me she's meeting Denny there? I wouldn't care! She does this all the time, make it sound as though it's just her and her the girls meeting somewhere or doing something and later I find out that Denny was there as well. For most of this I could care less that he's part of it, it just bothers me that she feels she has to hide it from me...or maybe in her mind it's more fun to 'sneak' doing something...even though it's something I'd allow anyways!

Anyway, my dd is getting to the point where she needs to spread her wings more while still under my protection and guidance...just not sure how to go about this!
post #15 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by momfirst
Do you let your son/daughter have their boy/girlfriends over when you are not home?
yes
post #16 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by nonconformnmom
I have a funny story about this. No, we did not allow my dd to have her boyfriend in the house when we were not home - this was when she was 15 years old. One evening, my dh and I went out and my dd was home alone. When we arrived home, around 9 pm, we saw her boyfriend's bike parked out front of the house. My husband and I looked at each other conspiratorially, and, without a word, my dh started around the house to enter in the back door to the basement where my dd usually goes in the evening to watch tv. I went in the front door as normal.

When I got inside, my dd was breathlessly standing in the hallway, her elbow ever-so-casually resting on the hall table. She said, "Hi!" I said, "Hi". Meanwhile, the boyfriend had rushed out the basement door, right into my husband! It was priceless.
ah! hilarious!
one time I had my boyfriend over at 3 o'clock in the morning while my parents were sleeping (yes I had a death wish)...he had parked his brand new truck, that his dad just bought him, parked on the street in front of the house. we were 16 at the time. we heard a loud BAM! and looked outside and saw lights,so we went went running outside to find a drunk driver had smashed into the truck head on(my parents always slept hard and it took alot to wake them). The person was bleeding and we had to call an ambulance. We had to wake up my parents and call his dad. It was so frightening and embarrassing. Needless to say he got his truck taken away. My parents believed me when I said we had an argument and we were just talking : so I did not get into trouble.: I was horrible at taking advantage of my parents trust. i love them all the more for it now and have apologized to them since then.
post #17 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by bhawkins
I was the picture of a "good" and "responsible" kid. I had NEVER got into any significant trouble, no drugs, no drinking, had perfect grades, great friends, etc. But my boyfriend had parents who left us home alone. Nuff said. It'll never happen with my children if I can help it. I'm already educating my 10 yr old about sex and we are very open about it. But I'm not just gonna invite it to happen.
I was the same way. My children are 8 & 10 and we are open with them, to some degree. We don't go into alot of detail at this point, but will when they get a little older.

To answer the question though, no i will not allow my children to have boyfriends/girlfriends over when DH and I are not home.
post #18 of 19
No way....I think that is just too much temptation for any teen to handle.
post #19 of 19
My son or daughter will not have friends over (not necessarily just G/B friends) when they are under 18 years of age and home alone. I believe that children can get in to more trouble when they are home alone with friends. I never made bad decisions as a teenager until I had one or two friends over helping me get ideas. So no, they won't stay alone until they are old enough, 18 or older.

I don't believe children should be sheltered either but I'm also not a naive parent that thinks a young teenager can't get in trouble if they have a girl/boyfriend in the house when I'm not home. I was a teen once. I remember it all like it was yesterday. I was just fine when home all alone, but add a friend in to the mix (any gender) and I was doing whatever I could to look cool even if I didn't want to do it.
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