AP and dependency

[Clarinet]

Today is my daughter's fourth birthday! I've been doing my own modified version of AP (I didn't know treating your children like this was normal!) her whole life and as a result, I really respect the independent child she has chosen to become. Here is my problem.

When she goes to visit my husband's mother, it's like she comes back with dependency issues. All of a sudden, she's terrified of the neighbor's dog and has to run to someone to be picked up. She can't ride her bike without someone physically pulling her along and at the first sign of trouble, she bails. She "forgets" how to put her velcro shoes on by herself. She can't take her own shirt off. She can't put her socks on. She is "too tired" to walk and has to be carried. She can't climb in the car by herself anymore. The list goes on and on and on.

Is this normal? It ONLY happens the day of and the day after she visits. Otherwise, she's quite capable and willing and rebukes my offers of help. Should I have a chat with her grandmother about encouraging (and in some cases, bringing up) this kind of behaviour? I mean, it's not going to cause problems later in my daughter's life, will it? Or is it me? Am I not AP enough so she loses her independence too easily?

[maya44]

YOu know I think at age four, maybe at any age, it feels good to sometimes be babied. To have someone protect you and dress you and take control.

Of course there are downsides to it too. Of course she also enjoys her independance, but being with Grandma makes her remember the joys of being babied a little.

So she comes home and is not quite ready to be independant for a day or two and then...she is.

Let her enjoy the feeling of being not independant that she gets from Grandma. If she is independant again within a day or two what is the harm? (and even if she wasn't...it's okay she is only four)

[4evermom]

She could find the visits stressful on some level (even if she looks forward to them) and needs some recovery time afterward. My ds reacts similarly after being sick or going to the dentist (even though he ASKED to go to the dentist).

[ibex67]

This seems totally normal to me. The whole process of growing up is this push-pull between wanting autonomy and independence and wanting security and connection. I think it continues to show up [in different ways of course] throughout a child's development.

If it lasted more than a few days each time -- I might question whether she was ready for these overnights. But the way you describe it seems absolutely normal to me.