"bad guys" and other violent play - Page 3

[Pigpen]

That's great information, makes perfect sense...I'm going to try to copy it if you think that would be okay. Thanks Tiffany C.

[tlc4tots]

yes ok to copy

[glad2bhome]

Gosh, this is a long thread!! Anyway, my experience has been (as a former preschool teacher and now a mom of two beautiful girls--4 and 2 years old) that children need to "chase" away the bad and scary forces in their lives. I think it is useful to avoid toy guns, etc. but to allow children to pretend a stick is a sword or gun. When they put that stick back down, it is a stick again. (Put a gun down, and it's always a gun!). When they pick the stick back up, it can be anything! Just my two cents.

~Melissa

[Theo's Mama]

I liked the idea of needing another mama to mourn with, as I don't have anyone in quite my situation in my everyday life, at the moment. At the same time, talking to all of you helps me realize how normal this is and how I have to take a deep breath and learn along with my son.

I totally understand that this is all wrapped up for me with my feelings about the war. I don't let my son have ANY media exposure, which limits mine, which is ok, but he has been to peace marches, and thus knows something of what is going on. He has adopted my pin with "Justice, not Vengeance" as his own, which he translates as "Take the guys who do bad things to jail and don't fight with the people who didn't hurt anyone."

I have to wonder, just about the term "bad guys?" How often do you hear "bad girls" (ok, in the same context?) Does this fact that males commit most of the violence in our society have something to do with the need to fight evil in our "well raised AP sons"? I guess they have to struggle with the way to become a "good man".

Thank you so much to everyone who has shared in this thread, it has helped me so much.

[Ackermama]

I have struggled with the good guys/bad guys thing, too. I started without that language, but empasizing that there are people and people, all people, sometimes make bad choices and sometimes make good choices. I was very firm on this, but there were bad toys/good toys in our home, bad books/good books, bad/good blocks, socks, bubbles in the bathtub, etc. At the same time, I heard the same things from others on this website and began to wonder if bad versus good was important developmentally. Perhaps, as our boys struggle to become good men, they must first define what it is they don't want to be. To make things easier, they stereotype/villify/etc. Maybe I will try to reintegrate the complexity after he's solid on the simplified version of good and bad. It just seems too ubiquitous to be a matter of (mis)perception. Anyone agree (I'm open to support)? Anyone disagree (I am open to thoughts I have not thought of yet)?

[Theo's Mama]

I've come to agree that it is important developmentally (bad vs good) and that they need to simplify it to that extent, because of their age. Not only do they have to villify, I am convinced that they sometimes have to try out what they know you don't want them to be, or what they think they shouldn't be. My son gets a certain thrill from "being an outlaw" (my words, not his) As a feminist, I know it is not easy to be a woman in this world, but being a mama of a son has made me realize that it is awfully hard to be a good man, too.

Thank you to whoever recommended "Who's Calling the Shots?" by Carlsson-Paige. I second the recommendation. It made me realize how important and valid play is, how it is my child's work and I need to respect his need to play out certain themes, AND reconfirmed my decision to have no TV in our house, very very limited video, and no war toys. Great suggestions to encourage creative play and for books and resources. Check it out. I had to request it from another library, but worth the wait.