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I dont know if I can do this (long)

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
Please do not flame me, I am struggling excruciatingly, and am crying as I type.

As I posted a few days ago, I just learned that I am pregnant with twins. We were *trying* for a third/last, and as with all pregs, used clomid, as I do not ovulate (or menstruate) on my own. We had been trying since january, and just this month I became at peace with having 2, and this being our last month of ttc. I actually started to look forward to all the things that would be easier about having 2. Then the stick said +. I subsequntly had some severe ovarian pain, so went in for an u/s where they saw two huge cysts. I went in two days ago for an u/s to see if that indeed meant 2 implantations, and there are. I am 6 wks (4 wks post conception). The twins will be fraternal.

I have been heartsick, sleepless, filled with dread, regretul, and devastated by what I would lose both if I keep the pregnancy and if I terminate. I do NOT want 4 (then why did we try for 3 with clomid? b/c I did not imagine feeling this way. I did not sit down and make lists of what I would gain/lose, I just thought; we can handle 4 if it happens). Turns out, I dont want to handle 4. I dont want to be swamped by kids for the next three years. Im scared to death of that first 12 mos, given how hard the first year was with the two I have (bad ppd), Im scared of how much more our lives will be consumed with the kids for the rest of my life, and what will happen to me. Im scared of being less of a parent than I want, and I think I have oretty high standards; I just dont know if I could meet those standards with 4, and if I did, would I resent that I was giving all of me away. I know that raising kids is *for me*, but its not all I want, and with 4 somehow I imagine it being much more of all I get. I hope this doesnt sound selfish, I am trying to be true to what I know about myself (one wise thing Dh always says is people make bad decisions when they dont know themselves well, and I fear that is how I got here, so Im trying to be baldly honest with myself).

I will be 37 shortly after the twins arrive. Dh is a resident, and will finish when the twins are 18mos. He works at least 80 hrs/week. I have raised dd and ds mostly on my own through med school and now residency. We have NEVER shared night duties (I think he' gotten up twice in the 4 years of having these two), becuase he cant. He works alot and then he needs to study. He is an amazing father!!! Incredibly present and joyous with the kids, and a great back-up to me, so when the med training is over, it will be MUCH better. Our families both live 1500 miles away, and we make very little money (thinking about hiring *help*) until that 18 mos.

On one hand I think *I can do it*. Just buckle down, do WHATEVER I need to do to get through those 18 mos. These are our babies. We would have a big messy family, and each pair of kids would have a buddy. The love for them is already growing. On the other hand, HOW can I do it. Ive read the other threads about ppd, and getting 2 hrs sleep, and neglecting older sibs. I foresee having NO time or energy to be present for the two I have, for that first year certainly. I will MISS them terribly. I will miss myself - I just got myself back two months ago (ds is 18 mos) and Im enjoying it ! I just feel so overwhelmed, I cant keep one consistent feeling for 2 minutes. Not to mention I have m/s already so feel like hell. This whole thing has just been miserable, and it should be such a great joy.

Dh wants to keep the preg, but more importantly, wants to keep my sanity and happiness. We dont believe that life technically begins this early, but the life you project onto the little ones sure does, so no answer is comforting. I feel trapppppped, and imagine feeling this way at least until the twins are 3. Maybe always?

Has anyone been here? Did any of you struggle with this? Everyone says *doble blessing* but that means very little to me. I feel double burdened, and double guilty, and double stupid, and double sad : Thanks for listenbing and understanding and your thoughts, if you have any
post #2 of 29
I don't have much time, but wanted to respond to you briefly. I found out only at 30 weeks pg that I was going to have twins. I definitely felt some of what you are feeling....I don't want this, I can't do this, etc. Pg hormones always make me flip flop emotions anyway. Even for the first month or so after I had the boys I kept saying, this is hard, this is not what I wanted, not what I planned, I did not ask for this! And it is hard. And my dd has been hurt by their arrival. But it would have been hard to add one child, as well. Different, I'm sure, but still a challenge.

My sons are only 3 months old, so I have not been doing this too long still. But the main thing I wanted to say to you is that if you do decide to continue on, I am sure that you are going to love those babies!! Will it be hard? yes Will it be a huge adjustment for your entire family? yes Will it be worth it in the long run? I think so. But you need to come to peace with what you want for your family.
post #3 of 29
I had two children 4 and 2 when I had my twins. We were planning for one last child too. And during the early stage of that pregnancy, my older two who were 3 and 1 during the pregnancy started getting more challenging. Dh and I actually said if something were to happen to that pregnancy, we may not try again and just be happy with our two.

Then we found out we were having twins. For us, we were shocked and worried, etc but were also elated.

So i did not go to the point you are, but did have many doubts, still do. But I also want to share that I LOVE having my four. And i am now very happy with having four vs three (obviously not a slam to those with three). I worried less about my older two not having as much of my attention because of the babies, because they had each other. It was amazing to see them bond and entertain each other so much. And i do not worry about them feeling too left out of the twin bond the boys have because they have a 'partner' of sorts as well.

There are drawbacks, challenges, and rough times. Sure, the hard things would be cut by two if we didn't have the twins, but the good things are doubled and somehow multiplied further by having them

You must do what is right for your family. But I wanted to share the perspective of someone with two kids, planning only a third, who was surprised by twins and am happy with the results.
post #4 of 29
I want to share a ((HUG))

Like you, we had to resort to infertily treatmenst to have kids (at first) and as a result had our twins. They were our first, so I didn't have anything to compare it to, though. Of course after spending years and all that $$ at the RE clinic, we'd take all we got.

BUT I remember feeling overwhelmed and terrified. It is a big unknown and in the early preggo stages feels awful..

I will say that having twins has been the most challenging and rewarding thing I've done. They are the best of friends and watching them grow and develop has been a privilege to do. I can say although I would never intentionally hope for twins again, I would do it again in a heartbeat.
post #5 of 29
I have also four. Two boys and twin girls. We were not done with two and did want two more being girls and we got it so i cant relate there. But I can say for us its like having two and two not really four. the two girls play together and the two boys. It was difficult in the first year but I would do it again in a heartbeat. It so totally is double blessings. I hope you find the encouragement that you need. If you are great at having two you will be great at having four. Four is just a number. Look at it as four lives you are impacting. Dwell on the positive not the negatives. You are Blessed.
post #6 of 29
I will come back and post more later as I need to get back to my twins I was also not happy to find out I was having twins. I did not want twins and did not think I could handle twins. I cried a lot when I found out. Now, as hard as it is, I could not imagine my life without these guys. They are so wonderful and funny and watching the 2 of them interact with eachother is the best thing ever. I often look and then and think "what would I have done with only 1 baby, I would be missing out on so much" and things like that. It really is an amazing thing to watch twins grow and I am looking forward to the future when I can send them outside to play and they can keep eachother entertained and always have a friend to play with.
post #7 of 29
Originally Posted by saskiasmom
Has anyone been here? Did any of you struggle with this? Everyone says *doble blessing* but that means very little to me. I feel double burdened, and double guilty, and double stupid, and double sad : Thanks for listenbing and understanding and your thoughts, if you have any
This is exactly how I felt, on and off, for a lot of my pregnancy.

My reasons for not being "ready" were different from yours: my DH and I were not married long, and we were/are in India. 10,000 miles from my family, including my dad who's a neonatologist and my mom who's awesome in every way. It was terrible! I felt I had botched everything and this was not how I wanted to have kids, not how I wanted to do this with DH, etc. etc. I had to miss my sister's wedding b/c it was when i was 34 weeks pregnant.

I LOVE Kalpana and Amrita so much, and I can't even put into words what an amazing kind of privilege and good fortune it is to be their mom. But I still wish I had had a more "conscious" sort of beginning to the whole thing, instead of one where I was in dread a lot.

I don't know if all that is helpful. Finding out you're going to have twins is really really scary.
post #8 of 29
I'm sorry you are struggling, mama! I think it is very normal to be feeling the way are. It is very hard having newborn twins as well as other young kids to take care of. I can't put into words how unbelievable it is, though. I think moms of twins are so lucky. We all have been given such an amazing gift, actually 2 of them! Yes, it is hard but so worth it. The mamas here are wonderful and we can all lean on each other for support, to vent and to get advice. You CAN do it and I don't believe you will regret for a second having these babies. I know you are scared and panicked and overwhelmed right now. That is ok and we are here for you. Even though it will be hard, you won't be able to imagine life without them. I am not sure if you were asking advice or just needed to vent but I really hope you choose to keep your precious babies.
post #9 of 29
This is my first post here ~ been a lurker for a long time....

Ohhh....I am so sorry you are in so much turmoil right now. That breaks my heart, even though I don't know you.

All I can say is that you are already a momma to those sweet babies - even if you think their lives haven't started yet - those little babies already have their unique dna that will never again be repeated. So if you choose not to carry them, then you'll never meet them on this earth again. They are YOUR children - and no one else's, and, as I said, they will never be repeated.

And they lie there, snug and nestled in your womb, waiting to meet you. PPD is a terrible struggle, I acknowledge that, but it lasts a short while in comparison to the lifetime of joy these children will give you.

I've never yet met a woman who regretted having her child/children. But I know many who live day after day regretting choosing to abort her child/children.

My prayers are with you ~ When you have a hard time wondering what to do, perhaps look at your two other children and imagine as though the tables were reversed - what if THEY were the ones in your womb now? What if you forever gave up the chance to know them?
post #10 of 29
First and foremost, you are not a bad person or mother for thinking any of the things you are thinking. I don't have other children besides my twins, but I have thought nearly everything you are thinking now.

My dh and tried for a child (ONE) child for a long time. On my first cycle of Clomid I conceived twins. My first words were: "OH SH*T!" Not a great start to be an attached parent huh?

I had (okay, sometimes I still have) the "I'm not going to do this unless I can do it perfectly" attitude. What I know is is that if I had to do it again, I would have asked/demanded for all the help I could beg, borrow or steal. I would not have martyred myself b/c my husband was unable to help for the first year or so. I would have gotten on drugs a lot sooner for my severe PPD. I would have gotten them to take a bottle, even if that meant introducing formula :

If you've made it through my rambling, my main point is that it doesn't have to be perfect and you don't have to lose yourself. You will have moments of clarity in the coming months (between the nausea and hormones) where you will be able to figure out ways to make things work for you and your family - those ways can be messy, imperfect, less than ideal - and still be okay.

Hang in there.
post #11 of 29
to you mama! I am so sorry you are struggling like this. I wouldn't dream of trying to give advice or preach at you. THis is going to be a very difficult decision for you, but I can tell you how I felt.
I have one dd, and we did not use any fertility treatments to concieve, but when we found out at 12 weeks it was TWINS I was in shock. I had even suspected for weeks there were 2 in there, but it didn't matter. Finding out you are carrying multiples is a shock for all of us I think. I spent the next 3 weeks in denial or saying things like. "OMG I will have to tandem nurse these babies, now I have to wean dd!" "OMG! DH won't be home with me like he was last time. How can I handle night duties alone with 2 babies and dd to take care of?" I felt SOOO overwhelmed. I am still intimidated by the idea of going from 1 child to 3. I am a planner and I can't get my brain around the logistics of 2 more. OTOH I am no longer feeling sick (the first trimester was HORRIBLE beyond words) and I am excited about welcoming my 2 boys into our home. It will be hard, but I will cope. I only had about a week of depression with dd, noting compared to your situation, but lots of other twin moms have, and I know if I need it they will support me through it, and I will be here to support you when your time comes.
I know you feel burdened right now, and overwhelmed, but you have given birth twice before. Once is hard enough, but choosing to become a mother again is an intentional act of courage and caring. If you could not handle twins, I really don't think they would have been given to you to raise. Best wishes to you and your family. If you need anything let us know mama.
post #12 of 29

: : :

Okay, I'm going to summarize what I said.

My surprise twins were my first kids. I was a single mom. I had just graduated from college. I was working as a waitress. I had no idea who or what I was. (You may ask, well then why not use birth control? My answer would be because I was young and stupid and didn't think it would happen to me. Ha.)

I never thought of terminating, so I can't relate to that feeling.

I felt sorry for myself, and sorry for my twins, because I felt that bringing them into the world without a father figure (and with just a totally inexperienced single mom) would really suck for them. I was really freaked out.

I did ask for a lot of help, and I received it. I would go to the place I practiced my religion and people were practically falling over themselves to help me. People usually want to help when they see someone is struggling. So, maybe ask for help?

Yes, I was exhausted the first year -- but I barely remember it. That's the good news. I have a lot of pictures, so I know it happened, but I barely had time to do anything, much less THINK. I was on auto-mom. I just DID. I maintain that I did not experience any ppd because I didn't have time. (I'm not being flip; I really did not have time.)

One thing that helped me keep my SANITY was that I was NOT worried about being an AP mom. (Please, no flaming.) Ideally I WANTED to be an AP mom, but ideally I also wanted to have a partner in the parenting and only have one child at a time. So, you've got idealism in one hand... as they say.

I formula-fed, I gave pacifiers, I put them in a crib in another room, I lugged them around in their "buckets," and they each spend a lot of time in the swing or the bouncy seat. And, even though those are things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing with my dd (who I had when they were 2.5yo; I'm married now and my dh adopted my twins) I did them with my twins and I don't feel guilty at all, and I kept my sanity. I decided a sane mom was a priority, and if I wasn't going to sleep, eat, relax, shower, or brush my teeth for a year, then darn it, I wasn't going to stress about AP.

At any rate, I relate to many of your feelings. Finding out you are having twins when you are not expecting them is a huge shock. It can be done, but so can scaling Mt. Everest, and I wouldn't ever want to do that. You know you are a good parent, because you already have 2 kids. Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope this helped.
post #13 of 29
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by doula and mom
It can be done, but so can scaling Mt. Everest, and I wouldn't ever want to do that
Yes, that's definitely a factor.

Thank you all soooooooo much for your thoughts and kind words. It is a life-line to see how people have done it and are doing it. I am having more days of being ok with it (i joke to Dh that its 60/40 now ) - this has really helped. I am trying to decide something by the end of this week. Kids need juice... thanks again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post #14 of 29
I just wanted to add my own {{{HUGS}}}

and I can kind of understand; having twins (finding out) is shocking - it really takes a while (a LONG while to adjust), but it's SOOOOOOOO worth it in the long run. So, I'm exhausted, but I'd rather have my babies than sleep .
My other thought was, I have incredibly difficult pregnancies and I believe that I was intended to have x number of kids. Dh and I thought 4 would be a nice number for our family - I got pregnant --- and then we found out that there were two. FIVE kids, FIVE. I think that G-d intended for us to have a family wtih five kids, but He was merciful to me and gave me two of them at once - so only 4 pregancies. I am so blessed.
Being pregnant is hard, really difficult and if you want to complain all day to me about it or anything else; I'm here to listen. You can pm me if you want. I'm a great listener.
post #15 of 29
's Momma. I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time.

When I found out I was pregnant with my twins, I was devastated. The pregnancy itself was an "accident" so finding out there were two babies was some days just too much for me to handle. Factor in that during my pregnancy I had to move myself and my other 2 kids (who were 8 & 1 at the time) in with my parents b/c I lost my husband. It was a rough road, but the longer I held out, the more I came to love those two babies inside of me. The first year was an experience, lol. My ds was sick and spent time in the hospital 2 hours from here. I had to leave his twin and my other two kids with my parents so that I could be with him. I didn't sleep, I lost an inordinate amount of weight (which I have unfortunately re-gained, lol), and I have a full-time job. But...I MADE IT. My four kids made it. And in December we moved out of my parent's home and into our own. Everyday I look at my kids and I am thankful beyond belief. Did I plan for this? No, can't say that I did. Being a single Momma is so hard, but my kids are so worth it. I watch them play together, and I honestly cannot imagine my life without them. I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. My kids are loved, and everything else is just not as important as that. I tell my parents all the time that my definition of "clean enough" when it comes to my house has definitely changed in the past couple of years.
I hope that you can find some peace, Momma, no matter what your decision. And please know that there are lots of wonderful Mommas here who have been right where you are, and we can all help you through this.
post #16 of 29
quote: "I will miss myself - I just got myself back two months ago (ds is 18 mos) and Im enjoying it ! I just feel so overwhelmed, I cant keep one consistent feeling for 2 minutes. Not to mention I have m/s already so feel like hell. This whole thing has just been miserable, and it should be such a great joy. "

(((HUGS! ))) I felt this way when I found out I was pg with my twins! My dd was 15 mos old, and I was finally able to leave the house for more than 30 minutes at a time.

I'd give you tips on how to manage the first year (my twins turned 1 in May!!), but I'm not sure that's what you really need right now. Maybe you just need to know that your thoughts/fears/concerns are normal, no matter how terrible or horrified you are at having them?

I never thought about terminating the pg, but I did horrify myself with thoughts (read: hopes) that maybe I'd miscarry one or both and what a relief it would be. I was angry at times for being pg with twins, elated the next minute, terrified the next, etc. so I think your mixed feelings are really normal! Every twin mom that I've ever really talked to admits to having some really "terrible" thoughts at some point about having more than one.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time emotionally now. I remember that all too well. I'll give you another offer to pm me any time.
post #17 of 29
Big time , mama!

My DH and I were originally planning on having only one baby and calling it quits afterward. Like you, I had to take clomid in order to get pregnant.

We found out at 5w5d that we were having twins and I was crushed. All DH was thinking was, 'please don't let there be three...' He's a school teacher, I'm an admin. Money was tight as is, we were thinking how in heck were we going to be able to afford two? Like you, what I thought should have been a joy was devastating to me. I didn't think I could handle it.

It took a lot out of me to even ask for help, but I'm glad that I did. Despite my best efforts in tandem breastfeeding, I was only able to do it for three months (I got physically sick from trying to keep up with the food intake and consequently dried up). Other aspects of Natural Parenting had to give way to a more rigorous form of parenting (i.e. supplemental formula on a strict feeding schedule, no co-sleeping in the family bed, etc.). The twins turned 2 yesterday and reflecting on those sleepless times and trial and error, I find that all in all we have done a good job so far. The twins are very happy, healthy, curious, normal 2yos.

Financially money is still tight, but we found that it did not take much for the twins to be happy, they have each other. We Freecycle what we can (I think the most we spent on clothing was no more than $100 over the last 2 years). We cut TV out of the home (save for Netflix for after the kids go to bed). The library has been a G-dsend!

Now for the advice/suggestions:

Check out the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs and find a local chapter, pronto. Most clubs have a 'Big Sister' program and it sounds like that along with your 'sisters' here in the Parenting Multiples board, you could use some moral support locally. It is a unique bond to be with other Mothers of Multiples as they have all been there, many with prior singletons.

It is OK to educate yourself the risks of a multiple pregnancy, but don't let it take over your life. I find that reading too many books and articles about twins preganacies just adds to the angst and therefore not healthy to you and the babies.

Seriously consider utilizing a midwife for your prenatal care instead of using a doctor. Drs treat multiple pregnancies like it is some code red alert. Midwives will take the extra time with you, listen to your concerns, and if necessary, work with your OB. If you choose to have a midwife deliver your babies, even better!

Welcome to the Sisterhood!
post #18 of 29

I am going to answer you honestly because I respect you and what you are going through and think you deserve an honest answer. This isn't an "atta girl / you can do it" response so if that's what you're looking for (and I gathered from your OP it wasn't), please stop reading.

I have three children - my twins came first, then a 3rd singleton 2 yrs. 9 mos. later. I cannot imagine going the other direction, where you have 2 (or more!) YOUNG kids first, then twins. I now know what a vast, huge difference there is between mothering a singleton and mothering twins. It's apples and oranges. One of the things that was most striking to me was how much I had to compromise my AP ideals with my twins, while my 3rd baby got mothered in a much different, and more AP way. I could wear him all the time, be out and about earlier with him by my side, I could BF him all the time on demand with a bountiful milk supply, cosleeping was easy and do-able, one baby didn't have to cry while I tended the also urgent needs of their sibling... the list goes on. Sure I did the best I could and many mothers of twins ARE able to do some of those things (or all) but the truth is so many of us aren't. Even the most well intentioned, AP of us experience things that you can't necessarily control (BFing problems, preemies, medical issues, etc.) that put a big damper on your ability to mother your babies guilt free. In the early days, before I got a grip, I was wracked with guilt over whether I was doing a good enough job. And that was BEFORE I knew what it was like to mother just one baby at a time "the way nature intended" (I say this in quotes because even my twins were conceived naturally, it is so incredibly rare for a young woman to conceive twins naturally that it really did feel like I was an anomoly). With the benefit of hindsight, I look back and am even more proud of the job dh and I did with our twins, but I also have an added perspective that brings some sadness when I think about their infancy because I know how very different it was from my ideal. You already have two children and you will know instantly what your twins are missing. On the other hand, having children already means hopefully your milk will come in sooner and you'll be able to BF better if there are any issues. You might have better luck carrying them to term. And you might be more resourceful when it comes to problem solving.

So my advice, the advice I would give you if you were my sister, is, research what you are getting into and then make a decision about what you want to do and feel good about it. Whether you choose to continue the pregnancy (or with both twins) or not, from this point forward, you OWN this pregnancy and what happens to you. Make the decision you and dh are comfortable with and move on, empowered by your choice and knowing you are in control. This may have been a mistake, but how you handle it from this point forward should put YOU in charge. If you decide to have both babies, know that the first 12 months (+/-) will be really, really hard but that there are also sweet rewards in having twins. If you decide to terminate or selectively reduce, know that there are many, many women who have made the same choice and take comfort in the fact that you're not being selfish but considering the needs of your sanity, your older dc's, your marriage and finances, etc. This is an age-old problem and be glad that you now have the opportunity to buckle your seat belt and take the driver's seat, regardless of which road you take.
post #19 of 29
Thread Starter 
Thank you.

Everyone is so amazing, and what you have accomplished My friend just ripped me a new one about the thoughts IM having and it made me apprecitae so much what you have shared with me WITHOUT judgement. Thank you.
post #20 of 29
I am so sorry your friend did that to you You need people to talk through this with and support whatever YOUR decision is, not people to be judgmental of, at this point, your thoughts and concerns.

Some thoughts of mine from reading Periwinkle's post:

I had a singleton 1st and it has been very hard because I know what my twins are missing out on, but at the same time having already been through raising a child I know more of what to expect and am not learning how to parent on twins. I try my hardest not to treat my kids any different than if they were singletons. Of course, there are times when they have to cry for a minute while I tend to the other one and stuff, but it is always in my thoughts that I want them to be treated equal to my 1st baby. My standards had already been set with my 1st baby and I think in some ways it was easier to stick with them after already seeing the benefit that they had on my 1st. I think it also makes it a lot harder because you want to do things a certain way and sometimes it is not possible and maybe you feel more guilt over it and maybe it leads to ppd more too. I can not even imagine having twins 1st, it must have been so hard for you.
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